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He not just moody the first hour of the day but instead he won't say a word until he has been up for at least 3 hours.
Here is the other things he does:
Ask him a question, get a one word answer
Try to bring up topics of conversation about things he may be interested in and he gives very little feedback
Never brings up a topic of conversation himself Lots of eye rolling and grunts when we speak Negative body language and no positive reinforcement When he is in the car with us he spends 95% of his time on his smart phone.
My sister tells me he claims he has a great time when he is here and loves all the places we take him in the DC area and is looking forward to coming again in February.
Maybe it is just a case of people have different expectations of communication. Ever seen Wife Swap and how couples and families interact with each other so much.
In the final analysis I think he needs to defer to us as the ones who are putting him up, taking him to tourist attractions and paying for his food. But how to tell him he is not pleasing us in his conversational style without making it worse?
Juat a few random thoughts.
I wonder if that is how he treats his faculty advisor or favorite professor? If yes, he wouldn't stay in college very long.
Eye rolling and grunts are not acceptable behavior/responses towards anyone, esp. not your hosts. Perhaps that is how he treats his parents and he thinks that IS acceptable behavior? Ask your sister how he usually acts with her. It would be a favor to help him relate better to adults.
If he really enjoys coming why is he rolling his eyes when you talk to him? Maybe you should tell your sister that next vacation you have plans and since he doesn't seem that he enjoys being with you it shouldn't matter to him. He may not realize that he is giving the impression that he is unhappy to be with you (not talking, not talking, etc).
Your discussions on how to respond to people/bosses on the job was a good idea. Maybe expand on that.
Also, many families have a no cell phone/ no computer rule in the car. If that is important to you perhaps you may want to impliment that rule.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-26-2012 at 03:06 PM..
But how to tell him he is not pleasing us in his conversational style without making it worse?
And he's the rude one?
I'm an introvert. I turn it on in the office because I have to deal with lots of people, but by the end of the day, I am mentally exhausted and retreat to my room at home to recoup. One of my roommates is the same way. The other roommate, an extrovert, just moved out because she tried to change our personalities and would get INFURIATED that we didn't want to chat about TV while getting ready in the morning or swap gossip when we got home from work. That's just NOT my personality.
I take awhile to warm up to people, and the people I feel warm towards might not realize how much I enjoy their presence unless they are similarly introverted. As a result, I have few extrovert friends because they misinterpret my silence for rudeness and never see that DEMANDING that I interact on their wavelength means that they're the ones being rude. For example: My boyfriend and I are happiest sitting with our books silently - that's a way of bonding for us. Growing up, family time meant reading silently together or playing games like Risk where we really wouldn't talk much, just focus on the game. Others find that silence maddening and can't understand it, just like you probably can't understand why me wanting to spend most of my time alone is perfectly normal!
The reason I think your nephew is introverted is because he seems to enjoy spending time with you but you don't see it - that's pretty typical for an extrovert looking at an introvert. If I perceive someone as disliking me or being made uncomfortable by my personality, it's going to make me clam up more. Take my ex roommate. The first few months we lived together, we ate dinner together a few nights a week, watched tv a few nights a week together, etc. That didn't exhaust me, still gave me time to recharge, and felt like a good, normal amount. To her, it was not nearly enough and she called a house meeting to inform my other roommate and I that our introversion pushed her buttons and made her think that we hated her. From that moment further, I spent most of my time in my room - not avoiding her, but because that's where I feel most comfortable.
I wonder if he's not on a forum somewhere saying, "My uncle is so rude and moody. He hates me because I'm quiet."
Last edited by charolastra00; 11-26-2012 at 02:02 PM..
I have twin boys, almost 17, and one is Mr. Social. The other often behaves in the way you describe your nephew. It is just how they are wired because we definitely have the same expectations of them in the family and always have.
The eye-rolling could be in response to what he thinks are too many questions. He feels pressure to answer you, and that is his response to the pressure.
The phone time in the car is part of this generation. You can ask him to put the phone in his pocket when you ride, but it is like a pacifier to modern teens and 20s.
Most guys this age just don't sit down and chat with people. He is not likely to randomly ask your views on the Middle East, so you should stop expecting it.
You can ask for courteous behavior when he stays with you, and explain specifically what that is.
But you have to distinguish between behavior and character. Just because he does not do things the way you would does not make him a bad person.
He not just moody the first hour of the day but instead he won't say a word until he has been up for at least 3 hours.
Here is the other things he does:
Ask him a question, get a one word answer
Try to bring up topics of conversation about things he may be interested in and he gives very little feedback
Never brings up a topic of conversation himself
Lots of eye rolling and grunts when we speak
Negative body language and no positive reinforcement
When he is in the car with us he spends 95% of his time on his smart phone.
My sister tells me he claims he has a great time when he is here and loves all the places we take him in the DC area and is looking forward to coming again in February.
Maybe it is just a case of people have different expectations of communication. Ever seen Wife Swap and how couples and families interact with each other so much.
In the final analysis I think he needs to defer to us as the ones who are putting him up, taking him to tourist attractions and paying for his food. But how to tell him he is not pleasing us in his conversational style without making it worse?
It sounds to me as though you are really making an effort to show this kid a good time, maybe develop a relationship with him, and he is being pretty ungrateful/not interested - which you resent.
Your sister, not this kid, has told you what a wonderful time he is having. But does he really seem to be enjoying himself? It doesn't sound like it.
It does sound like your sister and your nephew are utilizing your home for purely economic reasons - your house is simply a place for him to stay. Your nephew isn't really trying to get to know you better (sorry!), he's just trying to save himself the expense of flying home for the holidays and/or the logistics of finding another place to stay during his school breaks. That might be disappointing but it is what it is.
It might also be that you are pushing a little too hard for a "relationship" with this kid. He might respond better to a little less poking. But in the end, it's your house and you do not need to put up with rude behavior - so your call.
Last edited by springfieldva; 11-26-2012 at 02:36 PM..
Interesting perspective below. But should I as the homeowner and older person and the one who pays for his meals and gasoline adopt to him and his style or should he adopt to my style? What do you think?
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00
And he's the rude one?
I'm an introvert. I turn it on in the office because I have to deal with lots of people, but by the end of the day, I am mentally exhausted and retreat to my room at home to recoup. One of my roommates is the same way. The other roommate, an extrovert, just moved out because she tried to change our personalities and would get INFURIATED that we didn't want to chat about TV while getting ready in the morning or swap gossip when we got home from work. That's just NOT my personality.
I take awhile to warm up to people, and the people I feel warm towards might not realize how much I enjoy their presence unless they are similarly introverted. As a result, I have few extrovert friends because they misinterpret my silence for rudeness and never see that DEMANDING that I interact on their wavelength means that they're the ones being rude. For example: My boyfriend and I are happiest sitting with our books silently - that's a way of bonding for us. Growing up, family time meant reading silently together or playing games like Risk where we really wouldn't talk much, just focus on the game. Others find that silence maddening and can't understand it, just like you probably can't understand why me wanting to spend most of my time alone is perfectly normal!
The reason I think your nephew is introverted is because he seems to enjoy spending time with you but you don't see it - that's pretty typical for an extrovert looking at an introvert. If I perceive someone as disliking me or being made uncomfortable by my personality, it's going to make me clam up more. Take my ex roommate. The first few months we lived together, we ate dinner together a few nights a week, watched tv a few nights a week together, etc. That didn't exhaust me, still gave me time to recharge, and felt like a good, normal amount. To her, it was not nearly enough and she called a house meeting to inform my other roommate and I that our introversion pushed her buttons and made her think that we hated her. From that moment further, I spent most of my time in my room - not avoiding her, but because that's where I feel most comfortable.
I wonder if he's not on a forum somewhere saying, "My uncle is so rude and moody. He hates me because I'm quiet."
It sounds as though your nephew feels close to you for some reason. Did you spend a lot of time together when he was younger? I'm just trying to understand the dynamics here and why your sister and nephew feel so entitled to impose upon your hospitality like that.
It's not all that unusual for a late teen/early 20's young man to be a bit on the moody side. Certainly your sister is aware of that...
But, when all is said and done, you are only talking about a few weeks out of the year that you are hosting this young man. If you want him to help out around the house during his stays with you, it's o.k. for you to ask him to do just that. Make a chore chart if you have to. I see no need reason for you to go out of your way to "entertain" him.
I visited a few of my aunts & uncles while in high school and college. Perhaps, it is just my family, but I always helped out around the house. In fact, sometimes my visits were specifically arranged to help an unmarried aunt with some heavy cleaning or major chores like painting. My relatives paid for my food but I would often volunteer to cook (usually they declined) and would always wash the dishes and other chores like that. If I didn't have money of my own my parents would always make sure that I had enough money with me to take the hosts out to dinner at least once and to pay for my own way if we went someplace that cost something (I would always offer but sometimes it was refused and sometimes accepted).
My relatives never felt that they had to "entertain" me and we usually just did simple leisure activities such as playing card games or table games or going for a drive. Sometimes we would go to an attraction or a historical site or museum but that was unusual. Most of our time was just spent chatting, baking cookies and enjoying each others company. Some nights we would just read or watch TV together---the typical things that you do with your family.
Is it possible that you built up sort of a non-stop "vacation" or "party" situation where you are the free hotel, free meals & free tour guide and not the loving uncle? During his weeks with you do you go to work as usual and do some of your usual activities (exercise, read, visit friends) or is your focus 100% on your nephew? Maybe he is just spoiled?
I'm really stumped by the "not talking for three hours" after he gets up. Unless he usually sleeps to 10 AM at college and the lawnmowers, birds, trucks, etc. wake him up at 6 AM and he just needs more sleep that is not the real world. If his after college job starts at 8 AM will he be getting up at 5 AM every morning just so that he is ready to talk to other people?
If you are a real early bird maybe you could meet him halfway. Do you insist that he eat breakfast with you at a certain time? Maybe, skip that or make sure he is awake (and getting ready to talk) while you quietly read the morning paper.
I'm 60 years old and I have always slept much later than my 87 year old age. What worked when I was 18 still works now 42 years later. She gets up at 6 AM and "lets me sleep until 7:30 AM" (even though I would rather sleep until 9 AM when I'm on vacation) and then good naturedly grumps about me "sleeping my life away", "the day is half over" etc. while we have breakfast together at 8 AM (1 1/2 hours late for her and 1 1/2 early for me).
That works for us. Perhaps you can find something that works for you and your nephew.
Interesting perspective below. But should I as the homeowner and older person and the one who pays for his meals and gasoline adopt to him and his style or should he adopt to my style? What do you think?
You should not be paying for his gasoline. Is there a chance your impression of your nephew is being colored by resentment towards your sister, in that she expects you to not only take him in, but also pay his way? If that's the case, I see your point. I don't really have a problem with uncommunicative teens, since as I said, I wasn't very talkative most of the time. I'm still not. And, I wouldn't even consider charging a niece or nephew for food at my house. But, gas? Entertainment on a regular basis? I think the person you need to level with is your sister. Let her know what you have planned for the breaks, and how much it will cost to include your nephew.
He not just moody the first hour of the day but instead he won't say a word until he has been up for at least 3 hours.
Here is the other things he does:
Ask him a question, get a one word answer
Try to bring up topics of conversation about things he may be interested in and he gives very little feedback
Never brings up a topic of conversation himself
Lots of eye rolling and grunts when we speak
Negative body language and no positive reinforcement
When he is in the car with us he spends 95% of his time on his smart phone.
My sister tells me he claims he has a great time when he is here and loves all the places we take him in the DC area and is looking forward to coming again in February.
Maybe it is just a case of people have different expectations of communication. Ever seen Wife Swap and how couples and families interact with each other so much.
In the final analysis I think he needs to defer to us as the ones who are putting him up, taking him to tourist attractions and paying for his food. But how to tell him he is not pleasing us in his conversational style without making it worse?
He's 19, stop trying to talk to him.
He's on break and away from friends and peers his own age.
I still don't talk to my older family members about things that interest me. Things that interest me are of no interest to them and it's not worth the argument. Stop taking him to places and attractions.
As long as he is helping out here and there and picking up after himself, then leave him be.
There should never be any requirement to be social when staying somewhere beyond being casually social. He is there on his school break and obviously spends sometime with them.
So he is moody, he has all right to be moody if that is how he feels, why should he put on a fake mood for everyone else?
He's 19, stop trying to talk to him.
He's on break and away from friends and peers his own age.
I still don't talk to my older family members about things that interest me. Things that interest me are of no interest to them and it's not worth the argument. Stop taking him to places and attractions.
As long as he is helping out here and there and picking up after himself, then leave him be.
There should never be any requirement to be social when staying somewhere beyond being casually social. He is there on his school break and obviously spends sometime with them.
So he is moody, he has all right to be moody if that is how he feels, why should he put on a fake mood for everyone else?
Manners. Once a person is 19 and in college, they should understand it's not all about them. Yep. Manners.
I agree that allowing him some time in the morning is reasonable, but it is reasonable to expect a person - an adult one at that - to understand the basic rules of polite society.
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