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That doesn't negate the BIL's fears. They are not irrational, unfortunately. It could, and has happened. I think the OP would be more sympathetic to her BIL's concerns if she were not being inconvenienced by them. And, nowhere did she say the BIL is cutting off contact with his niece, only that he was no longer willing to care for her as the only adult present.
I don't get why some people have such a hard time understanding the above. The BIL isn't afraid of what the niece might say, he's afraid how others will interpret it. Little kids go around talking about new things they learn, and it could reach the wrong ears. He did the smart thing. Who cares if it's the right thing, he did the smart thing.
For now, I think it was a pretty wise move on your BIL's part. Your daughter is chatting about sexual predators and your bother in law is a main male figure in her life. Combine that with some Gladys Kravitz type and everyone one of you could wind up with big problems. Hang in there, it will all blow over in a few weeks.
I don't get why some people have such a hard time understanding the above. The BIL isn't afraid of what the niece might say, he's afraid how others will interpret it. Little kids go around talking about new things they learn, and it could reach the wrong ears. He did the smart thing. Who cares if it's the right thing, he did the smart thing.
So if the 7 year old watches a episode of Dexter and talks about it, no opposite sex people should ever hang out with that kid?
Seriously?
WTF are you afraid of. Do you hunker in your house afraid that if anyone discusses any topic involving murder or sex that you will some how be associated with it.
When did irrational fears become the acceptable narative. Kids talk about things they read about watch. As they get older they will see thinks like violence on tv, rape, etc. The idea that you should stygmatize these kids because they are seeking to understand the world because you think these topics somehow impact you. . .or your life
Its just incredible, its almost entirley selfish. . .
and unconnected with any rationale or quantative thought. There is no "problem" in the US of adults being accused of crimes they aren't connected to by young children. . .
Talking about Dexter, Scary murer sexual predator guy, jason, the alien from predator - wtf cares. Its stories
If he/she starts saying that they don't want to go to BIL house because he is like that sexual predator guy in the story. . .well you have a different issue.
I for one think it is wrong to teach kids they can't talk about the very real bad guys that exist in this world.
So if the 7 year old watches a episode of Dexter and talks about it, no opposite sex people should ever hang out with that kid?
Seriously?
WTF are you afraid of. Do you hunker in your house afraid that if anyone discusses any topic involving murder or sex that you will some how be associated with it.
When did irrational fears become the acceptable narative. Kids talk about things they read about watch. As they get older they will see thinks like violence on tv, rape, etc. The idea that you should stygmatize these kids because they are seeking to understand the world because you think these topics somehow impact you. . .or your life
Its just incredible, its almost entirley selfish. . .
and unconnected with any rationale or quantative thought. There is no "problem" in the US of adults being accused of crimes they aren't connected to by young children. . .
Talking about Dexter, Scary murer sexual predator guy, jason, the alien from predator - wtf cares. Its stories
If he/she starts saying that they don't want to go to BIL house because he is like that sexual predator guy in the story. . .well you have a different issue.
I for one think it is wrong to teach kids they can't talk about the very real bad guys that exist in this world.
All you have to do is Google cases of adults charged and cleared of sex abuse to realize the folly of saying the bolded. It doesn't matter that the risk is slight, it doesn't matter that people think it's a stupid stance to take. All that matters is that the BIL is uncomfortable with the unpredictability of a 7 yr old child who has been introduced to a concept beyond her maturity level.
For the same reason, I would never let my sons babysit, a topic that has come up on this forum in the past. It just ain't worth it.
So if the 7 year old watches a episode of Dexter and talks about it, no opposite sex people should ever hang out with that kid?
Seriously?
WTF are you afraid of. Do you hunker in your house afraid that if anyone discusses any topic involving murder or sex that you will some how be associated with it.
When did irrational fears become the acceptable narative. Kids talk about things they read about watch. As they get older they will see thinks like violence on tv, rape, etc. The idea that you should stygmatize these kids because they are seeking to understand the world because you think these topics somehow impact you. . .or your life
Its just incredible, its almost entirley selfish. . .
and unconnected with any rationale or quantative thought. There is no "problem" in the US of adults being accused of crimes they aren't connected to by young children. . .
Talking about Dexter, Scary murer sexual predator guy, jason, the alien from predator - wtf cares. Its stories
If he/she starts saying that they don't want to go to BIL house because he is like that sexual predator guy in the story. . .well you have a different issue.
I for one think it is wrong to teach kids they can't talk about the very real bad guys that exist in this world.
Dexter? Really? Really? Don't be ridiculous (any other adjective would get me banned, but you know what I mean). Apples and oranges. No one said anything about the uncle "hanging out" with the kid. He's just trying to keep himself out of a situation that can be erroneously judged in a way that can be criminal, base on OTHER PEOPLE'S judgements. Are you 10 years old that you can't understand this?
All you have to do is Google cases of adults charged and cleared of sex abuse to realize the folly of saying the bolded. It doesn't matter that the risk is slight, it doesn't matter that people think it's a stupid stance to take. All that matters is that the BIL is uncomfortable with the unpredictability of a 7 yr old child who has been introduced to a concept beyond her maturity level.
For the same reason, I would never let my sons babysit, a topic that has come up on this forum in the past. It just ain't worth it.
Darn right. Google McMartin pre-school and see what a fiasco that ballooned into.
I am the OP. What a variety of responses. Thank you for replying even if we don;t see eye to eye.
Those of you who think this is all about free babysitting didn't get it at all.
Its about a relationship between my daughter and her uncle- not just the picking up from school part- he has been the one to teach her ice skating, taken her fishing etc since she was little. He watches her fav shows with her when she goes over to visit and plays hide and seek with her. I am a from a fairly close family, and I recently moved MY family back to my hometown so that my daughter could spend more time with extended family and my parents who are both getting up in age.
We celebrate the holidays with eachother, help eachother out when we can- whether financial, running errands , rides etc and yes, some babysitting when my husband travels for work. Her uncle is the school contact should my husband and I not be avail as he is around the corner and not working .He has the garage code for my home and he is someone I would call if I was in trouble and couldn;t reach my husband.
Maybe I don't think the way the rest of society does, at least when it comes to family members. I was surprised how many thought BIL is doing the right thing but I realize not everyone has great family relations in these times.
The thing is kids can overhear here these types of words on the 6 o'clock tv news or car radio- sexual assault, sex offender, sexual predator on the loose , caught etc. My daughter is VERY articulate and knows exactly the names of her private parts, what is appropriate touching vs not. We have been very open on that topic since she was a toddler so there would be no confusion as to what she means. She has a very loving and happy relationship with her uncle, like I said he is her FAVORITE uncle and she enjoys spending time with him.
Since this happened I have started talking to my daughter about what is appropriate talk in public vs private, and thank you to those who offered good suggestions to keep the lines of communication open with DD and letting her know I am available to answer her questions/curiousities instead of sneaking on the computer, which is no longer an option anyway
As for my BIL, it makes me sad he feels the need to do this, it changed the way I look at him now, but its his stuff/his reasons and I realize there isnt much I can do to change it. He and my sister are saying they know DD would never accuse him of anything but still they feel the need for this. At some point i will get over it but for now I am just trying to sort out my feelings of hurt and move on.
Wow. You still don't get it.
You are making this all about your "hurt feelings."
This isn't about you and your hurt feelings.
This is about showing some respect to a person who has gone out of his way to do a LOT of parenting, it seems, for your daughter.
The fact that you are taking this sooooo personally, when it was YOUR DAUGHTER who precipitated this whole thing . . . making it into this drama about how your feelings have changed towards your BIL and how it has "changed how you look at him now," - WOW - that is all I have to say.
You have hurt feelings. Okay, we get that. WHY? Evidently b/c you don't have a built in babysitter any longer. Cause when it gets down to it, your own sister told you - NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Yet, you are clinging to this whole justification of how your child is now going to be cheated out of time with this great guy (or at least - a guy you USED TO THINK was a great guy, as long as he was doing things with your daughter that one typically would expect one's HUSBAND to do) - and how awful that is for her.
HELLO? You yourself said your sister went out of her way to explain that all this meant was no more after school pick up or time in their house without her (your sister) on the premises. No more alone time with BIL. That is very reasonable and how other folks handle it. Under typical circumstances, it would be momma's sister who was important in niece's life, NOT her opposite sex Uncle by marriage. You are being totally unrealistic.
Yet, you are still boo hooing cause you don't have your back up babysitter and daddy substitute and leaving out the most important part of this equation - some respect for your BIL and sister's decisions - and some gratitude that they are doing their best to make sure no situations arise where your daughter inadvertently either gets on a computer or accesses info she should not access - or says something that could put your whole family into a terrible situation with a criminal investigation, with BIL at the center as a possible pedophile.
That doesn't negate the BIL's fears. They are not irrational, unfortunately. It could, and has happened. I think the OP would be more sympathetic to her BIL's concerns if she were not being inconvenienced by them. And, nowhere did she say the BIL is cutting off contact with his niece, only that he was no longer willing to care for her as the only adult present.
Exactly.
And for all we know, perhaps BIL has felt overburdened by the responsibilities that have been put on him and this was simply a good excuse to stop filling in for parents.
In any case, the man is not cutting off contact. He and his wife are just SETTING SOME BOUNDARIES.
You are making this all about your "hurt feelings."
This isn't about you and your hurt feelings.
This is about showing some respect to a person who has gone out of his way to do a LOT of parenting, it seems, for your daughter.
The fact that you are taking this sooooo personally, when it was YOUR DAUGHTER who precipitated this whole thing . . . making it into this drama about how your feelings have changed towards your BIL and how it has "changed how you look at him now," - WOW - that is all I have to say.
You have hurt feelings. Okay, we get that. WHY? Evidently b/c you don't have a built in babysitter any longer. Cause when it gets down to it, your own sister told you - NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Yet, you are clinging to this whole justification of how your child is now going to be cheated out of time with this great guy (or at least - a guy you USED TO THINK was a great guy, as long as he was doing things with your daughter that one typically would expect one's HUSBAND to do) - and how awful that is for her.
HELLO? You yourself said your sister went out of her way to explain that all this meant was no more after school pick up or time in their house without her (your sister) on the premises. No more alone time with BIL. That is very reasonable and how other folks handle it. Under typical circumstances, it would be momma's sister who was important in niece's life, NOT her opposite sex Uncle by marriage. You are being totally unrealistic.
Yet, you are still boo hooing cause you don't have your back up babysitter and daddy substitute and leaving out the most important part of this equation - some respect for your BIL and sister's decisions - and some gratitude that they are doing their best to make sure no situations arise where your daughter inadvertently either gets on a computer or accesses info she should not access - or says something that could put your whole family into a terrible situation with a criminal investigation, with BIL at the center as a possiblepedophile.
[quote=anifani821;28978141]Exactly.
And for all we know, perhaps BIL has felt overburdened by the responsibilities that have been put on him and this was simply a good excuse to stop filling in for parents.
In any case, the man is not cutting off contact. He and his wife are just SETTING SOME BOUNDARIES.[/quote]
Bravo. Very well said.
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