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You are making this all about your "hurt feelings."
This isn't about you and your hurt feelings.
This is about showing some respect to a person who has gone out of his way to do a LOT of parenting, it seems, for your daughter.
The fact that you are taking this sooooo personally, when it was YOUR DAUGHTER who precipitated this whole thing . . . making it into this drama about how your feelings have changed towards your BIL and how it has "changed how you look at him now," - WOW - that is all I have to say.
You have hurt feelings. Okay, we get that. WHY? Evidently b/c you don't have a built in babysitter any longer. Cause when it gets down to it, your own sister told you - NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Yet, you are clinging to this whole justification of how your child is now going to be cheated out of time with this great guy (or at least - a guy you USED TO THINK was a great guy, as long as he was doing things with your daughter that one typically would expect one's HUSBAND to do) - and how awful that is for her.
HELLO? You yourself said your sister went out of her way to explain that all this meant was no more after school pick up or time in their house without her (your sister) on the premises. No more alone time with BIL. That is very reasonable and how other folks handle it. Under typical circumstances, it would be momma's sister who was important in niece's life, NOT her opposite sex Uncle by marriage. You are being totally unrealistic.
Yet, you are still boo hooing cause you don't have your back up babysitter and daddy substitute and leaving out the most important part of this equation - some respect for your BIL and sister's decisions - and some gratitude that they are doing their best to make sure no situations arise where your daughter inadvertently either gets on a computer or accesses info she should not access - or says something that could put your whole family into a terrible situation with a criminal investigation, with BIL at the center as a possible pedophile.
I get what you are saying, but disagree. I would be upset too, if I were the OP...not because of being inconvenienced over a lack of a babysitter, but because would seem like my child is being punished twice over for simply being a kid and making a childlike error in judgment. I think, at least I HOPE, that the OP's concern is for her child's hurt feelings, not her own. And it seems like she has been appreciative of not just the BIL's favors, but of his relationship with his niece. If his picking up the kid after school or never spending time with her alone isn't noticeable or that big a deal to the little girl, I would say the mom should get over it. But if it's something that meant something to the child, and now it's being taken away, I would be upset as a parent also.
Yes, the kid should not have been googling urban legends or talking about sexual predators. The OP dealt with that and punished the child appropriately. The BIL is right to be concerned about what she may blurt out, and it seems reasonable, if he has the close relationship with her that the OP says, to sit down and explain to her the consequences of such talk, instead of distancing himself. His not picking her up from school everyday as he has been is not just an inconvenience to her mother...it is a routine that the child has grown to know and enjoy. For whatever reason, the BIL seems to be and have been important to her daughter, and now what you call "boundaries" may seem, to a little girl that for whatever reason looks up to him as a father figure, like rejection.
And I completely agree that the OP has been relying too much and depending too much on help and support from someone who is under no obligation to give it. All this guy did was marry her sister. He shouldn't have to be a stand in daddy, a babysitter, a taxi cab driver, or anything else. But for whatever reason, he took on that role and became a part of a child's life. Kids, especially kids that don't have dads around, need a man who is going to be consistent through thick and thin. The least he owes her is an explanation of why things have to change.
And yes, people can be and have been falsely accused of sexual abuse. I clearly remember the McMartin Preschool case, and the rash of other similar cases, and have heard about other stories where people have been accused and later found innocent. The difference is...usually these cases involve an accusation being made either by a child or a parent. And in the cases involving a child's statement, usually the child was young enough to have to have their words interpreted for them...not seven year olds who can sit and tell you about urban legends and explain in detail how they learned about them. If it is commonplace for people to be investigated over an accusation drawn out of thin air by a random stranger, I would like to know about it. Even if the kid is still young and clueless enough to go around blurting out urban legends about sexual predators, she is also savvy and intelligent enough to explain how she learned that term and to tell that she is not being abused. I hardly think the fact that she knows the terminology and the fact that she has an uncle is enough to cause an alarm, let alone a change of routine or feelings.
I am curious though, for men who agree with the BIL's decision, do they distance or monitor themselves around their own family and their own children? I understand that no one wants to be accused of something they didn't do, especially something as heinous as that, but is it that big of a threat and a fear that it affects your every day relationship with your own family and children? A lot of things MIGHT happen...but I don't understand basing your life around what might...and will probably never be.
I actually hope that he was just tired of being used as a babysitter. That makes a lot more sense to me.
All you have to do is Google cases of adults charged and cleared of sex abuse to realize the folly of saying the bolded. It doesn't matter that the risk is slight, it doesn't matter that people think it's a stupid stance to take. All that matters is that the BIL is uncomfortable with the unpredictability of a 7 yr old child who has been introduced to a concept beyond her maturity level.
For the same reason, I would never let my sons babysit, a topic that has come up on this forum in the past. It just ain't worth it.
Dexter? Really? Really? Don't be ridiculous (any other adjective would get me banned, but you know what I mean). Apples and oranges. No one said anything about the uncle "hanging out" with the kid. He's just trying to keep himself out of a situation that can be erroneously judged in a way that can be criminal, base on OTHER PEOPLE'S judgements. Are you 10 years old that you can't understand this?
Dexter is a serial killer who kills other serial killers. The very show is about a "bad guy" similar to this urban legend who is a "sexual predator".
The only thing is dexter, himself, is not a sexual predator but instead often is in a place to kill sexual predators.
The idea that is ludicrous here is that just because you find a story on Google it somehow you have a right to react to it and pretend its a even possible event. How many people has this happened to? 2 or 3 out of 300 million?
It is like arming a school to protect from a spree killer. What it is with the lack of ability for people to rationale judge risk. You can say "well i'm risk free, so its 100% okay for me to make that decision"
yet I just point out the person (BIL in this case) is stupid. He is far more likely that BIL would be killed by his car exploding on him (and thus avoid all automobile travel) than being randomly accused of something like this.
You might say thats bill choice, and for that agree
but it still makes Bil stupid for not being able to logically weigh risk and benefits
Cherry picking would have been if I posted links. Some are valid, and some aren't, but are you denying people have been falsely accused? Are you saying this man has no valid reason for not wanting to put himself in such a position? That is delusional.
Would the BIL have distanced himself from his own daughter if she did what the OP's daughter did? Why or why not?
( It does not say he has children, so hypothetical daughter)
Should the OP's husband, and father of the child, have no unsupervised contact with the child?
Do fathers not sexually abuse their children? Do fathers not get falsely accused of sexually abusing their children?
It does not make any sense to me. The child talked about a story with a sexual predator in it, she did not say or imply that anyone had inappropriately or otherwise touched her or made her feel uncomfortable. I still can not fathom the leap of a girl talking about a sexual predator in a story to the uncle picking the child up from school and bam he's arrested for molestation.
Im actually surprised by how many think the BIL was right in this situation. I think he and the sister overreacted. That being said, if that is how he feels then go with it OP. You dont want someone that scared of possibles and what if's watching your child anyway. If anything he has a greater risk of you suing his ass if your daughter got hurt on his property. I was employed in the social work field. Does anyone realize how overloaded that system is? Sure reports should be followed up on but the chances of someone connecting a small child using the proper term for a child molester and then immediately thinking..oh that uncle is up to no good, is a stretch.
Would the BIL have distanced himself from his own daughter if she did what the OP's daughter did? Why or why not?
( It does not say he has children, so hypothetical daughter)
Should the OP's husband, and father of the child, have no unsupervised contact with the child?
Do fathers not sexually abuse their children? Do fathers not get falsely accused of sexually abusing their children?
It does not make any sense to me. The child talked about a story with a sexual predator in it, she did not say or imply that anyone had inappropriately or otherwise touched her or made her feel uncomfortable. I still can not fathom the leap of a girl talking about a sexual predator in a story to the uncle picking the child up from school and bam he's arrested for molestation.
No they are not the issues, but I do not see why those questions would be answered differently by the people claiming the uncle is doing the right thing under the circumstances.
I posed them to show the ridiculousness of the argument that the uncle is protecting himself from some very real and probable threat of being hauled off to jail as a molester because his niece at 7 years old knows what a sexual predator is.
No they are not the issues, but I do not see why those questions would be answered differently by the people claiming the uncle is doing the right thing under the circumstances.
I posed them to show the ridiculousness of the argument that the uncle is protecting himself from some very real and probable threat of being hauled off to jail as a molester because his niece at 7 years old knows what a sexual predator is.
If I were the man whose seven year old niece started talking about sexual predators, I'd make sure I was never alone with this child, either, for a good long period of time.
For those who say people are seldom prosecuted under these laws, I don't think so! Especially if this child talks about this stuff at school, the teachers are very primed to pick up on it. You can bet that at least one of them will say, "If she's talking about this stuff, something is going on", b/c that is the prevailing mantra.
I also agree with the sister and BIL. Why take chances? Just to do someone an ongoing favor (not sure if the OP stated whether there was an end in sight for these pickups. Truly, this seems a like asking WAY too much from family).
Also, the fact that the social work/justice system is overloaded doesn't deny the horrible stigma for someone even when there are "rumors."
My daughter's neighbor friend (10-yrs-old) dropped by unannounced all the time. She also had stories about predators, rapists. She also was known for telling tall tales (lots of kids are). I made a mental note to never leave her alone in my house, as I have two sons and I'd hate for her to ever accuse them of anything.
I have four kids and I've seen stories circulate among all of them and their friends. Amazing how these stories grow and how parents have come to me and said "Johnny learned about such-and-such thing from your kid." Kids ALWAYS tell stories, even when you ask them not to - it's a given.
Your daughter did nothing wrong. She tells stories like all kids do. Your BIL is in his full right.
Make amends with your sister and don't lose any more sleep over this.
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I think he and the sister overreacted. That being said, if that is how he feels then go with it OP. You dont want someone that scared of possibles and what if's watching your child anyway. If anything he has a greater risk of you suing his ass if your daughter got hurt on his property. I was employed in the social work field. Does anyone realize how overloaded that system is? Sure reports should be followed up on but the chances of someone connecting a small child using the proper term for a child molester and then immediately thinking..oh that uncle is up to no good, is a stretch. 
