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Well not often. Bear in mind that people who manage an entire house full of toddlers all day would be reduced to rubble if this were the case. If a toddler was an explosive entity with completely unknown operating parameters, then these daycares would be chaos. But somehow they aren't.
People say every kid is different all the time. While they have their own personality and temperament, there is a lot of commonality as well. They are all humna beings with the same basic human needs. When they are behaving a certain way, they are often telling us what they need, if we have the outlook to hear it.
If it were me, which obviously it isn't, I would look into what areas of her life she can control.
You have to realize ONE THING: Most kids spend their days in daycares, so they are not taught "restaurant manners". Hell, few are taught proper manners these days anyways; they don't get one on one at daycares! So, they don't know, and I don't feel like spending money to have a nice time out while some other parents are out to restaurant train on my time!
Daycares are different, but most do teach manners during meals. For some, that means family style meals where the children pass the food to each other and serve themselves. For some, it just means having the children speak quietly and sit at the table without being disruptive. I never saw a daycare that taught no manners to toddlers and preschoolers though.
I do let her have control over as much as is reasonable,
You know how internet communication is. I could be missing the mark here. But you don't "let" someone have control. They really actually HAVE some. Within limits of course! Regular meetings are really helpful. Taking the dreaded store as an example. The meeting would go over how much is in her budget. If you have played store in the time leading up, great! Have her help make the list, whereby you are involving her in the decisions. Her choices on the list, within her budget and safety considerations are sacrosanct. That does not mean ownership of whatever she purchases allows her to do other things that she normally wouldn't. She can BUY the candy with her budget until she is purple. She can feed it to her stuffies. It can sit there colorfully decorating the table. But her buying it does not mean she can eat it at a higher rate than candy is ever purchased. No Drano purchases. No Drano in the house ever. (Ask me how I know about a kid actually really wanting to buy Drano.)
When at the store, what is her job? Is she in charge of identifying the products on the shelves that match the items on the list? Probably not as a toddler. Putting the items into the cart? Holding the list in between items? She needs a CRITICAL role in the shopping trip to vest her.
Side note: This author, whether in class or book, discusses family meeting and allowance and budgets really well. Toddler hood may be a little young for the first kid. But it is worth considering now. Vicki Hoefle | Parent Educator, Speaker and Author It is not just an allowance and a budget tool but an understanding of how different factors influence all the decisions we make in our lives. Instead of saying No you can't have that we can't afford it, she gets her own income and has her own outlays. She can begin to REALLY get what can't afford means. Who is going to fight against that compared to some thing that Mom says I can't have.
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I think its important for her to be able to make her own decisions but clearly its not enough right now, I think she'll do better when she gets a bit more independence from me (starting daycare).
Well I guess that is sad that the two of you cannot have the peace of a conflict free relationship YOURSELVES.
When my kids were little they went to kids only places like McDonald's that was their treat, no way, no how were they going out to dinner at night with me, at least not until they were older.That also went for movies, Sat afternoon matinee NEVER NEVER at night when they should have been in bed.
I don't understand why some parents, not all, have to drag their kids with them every where they go, don't you want some alone time without the kids?
You know how internet communication is. I could be missing the mark here. But you don't "let" someone have control. They really actually HAVE some. Within limits of course! Regular meetings are really helpful. Taking the dreaded store as an example. The meeting would go over how much is in her budget. If you have played store in the time leading up, great! Have her help make the list, whereby you are involving her in the decisions. Her choices on the list, within her budget and safety considerations are sacrosanct. That does not mean ownership of whatever she purchases allows her to do other things that she normally wouldn't. She can BUY the candy with her budget until she is purple. She can feed it to her stuffies. It can sit there colorfully decorating the table. But her buying it does not mean she can eat it at a higher rate than candy is ever purchased. No Drano purchases. No Drano in the house ever. (Ask me how I know about a kid actually really wanting to buy Drano.)
When at the store, what is her job? Is she in charge of identifying the products on the shelves that match the items on the list? Probably not as a toddler. Putting the items into the cart? Holding the list in between items? She needs a CRITICAL role in the shopping trip to vest her.
Side note: This author, whether in class or book, discusses family meeting and allowance and budgets really well. Toddler hood may be a little young for the first kid. But it is worth considering now. Vicki Hoefle | Parent Educator, Speaker and Author It is not just an allowance and a budget tool but an understanding of how different factors influence all the decisions we make in our lives. Instead of saying No you can't have that we can't afford it, she gets her own income and has her own outlays. She can begin to REALLY get what can't afford means. Who is going to fight against that compared to some thing that Mom says I can't have.
Well I guess that is sad that the two of you cannot have the peace of a conflict free relationship YOURSELVES.
Thanks for the suggestions Her job in the shop is to push the trolley (child-sized trolley) and to put the items into the trolley. She has to return the trolley to the trolley park while I pay for the shopping.
Seen that book mentioned a few times on this forum, I shall have to get it and see what the fuss is about.
Our relationship is about 85% of the time conflict free, she is generally a pretty good kid but its the 15% of the time that we're struggling with (mostly power struggles). I think going to daycare will help as she'll see how other children interact with each other and adults and also get used to being around other adults (which will hopefully ease the stranger freak out she does).
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Her job in the shop is to push the trolley (child-sized trolley) and to put the items into the trolley. She has to return the trolley to the trolley park while I pay for the shopping. 
