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This is all very good advice and I thank you all. Jukesgrrl, the time line is correct. I though the was at least getting use to me having another woman in my life during the last 3 years. I talk to her on the phone in front of him; he has talked to her on the phone a few occasions, not huge conversations but something to initiate a dialogue. I’ve talked about her and her older children, her likes dislikes etc. Basically, everything short of meeting her. I thought we were on a good track. With1800 miles between my GF and myself, I thought it was a good buffer for myson. He knows of her, hears us talk as a couple, but she isn’t here dividing the time that I spend with him. Putting the brakes anymore on this long distance relationship will result in not even having a phone conversation.
I know his mother wants a reconciliation which makes this tough to figure out. Is she orchestrating this? Are these his feeling? Is he feeding off her feelings because she does confide in him? Which I never agreed that children should knowevery detail of a divorce or marital disputes. She feels that the children need to why. Anyway, she hasn’t really established a life. I assume some of it has to do with her expecting me to come home to the family and not accepting the marriage has been over. The "kids" part, I also have a 20 year old step son. He was 4 when my ex and I met and he still lives with his mom and brother. He and I are beginning to talk. We went through a similar situation because he hated me for so long for the things his mom confided in him about our marriage.
I will try counseling for myself. I went to marriage counseling by myself when our marriage was onthe rocks so why not this too. If I get to see my son, I don’t see why I can’t take him. We can do it together. As far as my ex taking him, or even agreeing to all of us going, much less allowing our son to go, it’s not going to happen. She just will not go to counseling and feels that our son doesn’t need someone to talk him into accepting the situation. He already knows how he feels. Maybe the councilor can give me tips.
As much as I am a firm believer in putting children's needs first, your ex is using your son to hold you hostage. She tells him you cheated, he gives you the cold shoulder, you respond by not seeing the girlfriend, She Wins!
I recommend counseling for you alone if they can't/won't go. I wouldn't drag him...I took my 13 year old and since she was not cooperative it did us no good. i also think you should continue in your attempts to spend time with your son AND continue your relationship with the GF.
You are an adult, you make adult decisions, and sometimes you have to demonstrate that to your children. Life is not fair. It is time he learned that...NOT that he can manipulate your behavior.
I am sure it will be possible for the son to "learn" that lesson. But how will that improve his relationship with his father? It won't. OP is living the consequences of his choices. Life is not fair after all.
LOL. OK apparently I have a different view on this. I've seen my kids used as tools to hurt me or make me do what an ex wanted. Sometimes its intentional, other times its just the ex "venting" to them.
Your ex is the issue here. Everyone going on about choosing your son over the new love are missing something. its not a choice, your ex is poisoning the well, and you are letting her. Even worse, its not going to get better. Your ex wants to reconcile, and obviously you dont or you would have. So lets look at some possibilities.
1. you ditch the long distance woman. Now either you find another woman, or you stay single and miserable. And there is no guarantee that the damage your ex has done to your relationship with your son will improve. Because with you there every week she is going to smack your sons emotions around like a handball. Even worse.....every single time you get a relationship your ex is going to hammer your relationship with your son.
2. you keep the long distance relationship, and move to be with this person. Your son will see you during the summers, and get to know that this other person is a good and caring person.
The bottom line is....this isn't a "pick your son or the love" relationship issue because im not hearing of any issue between them. This is a "ex wife is being controlling and manipulative, and is doing whats called parental alienation" issue.
Been there, done that. 9 years later my youngest two are now with me by court order as the state took them from the ex, and my oldest two now realize that the ex was being abusive and manipulating them with lies. I have kids who love me. ex...not as much. But not due to me, but due to her. Kids grow up, and learn.
If you have the relationship with the mother, and she values you being involved in her son's life then you really should get some counselling. He's got to come to terms with things. It sounds like he's holding out hope that you two will get back together and it very much isn't the case.
While your son is important, it's not fair for you to stay single forever for his sake. That's a volatile age and he's working through some things, but you really need to see if you can get some therapy together. Unless the woman you're dating has been abusive towards him, it's really not his call on who you date.
This is complicated and counselling is definitely a worthwhile consideration.
That said, I am loathe to believe that the son's perceptions will organically improve. Even without a conspiracy (real or not) of mom poisoning the well, it will be extremely unlikely that the son will see his father's GF as anything but the homewrecker that ruined his family and stained his childhood. Divorce takes a toll on all involved, but (wishy-washy mode engaged) sons have a special bond with their mothers. Woe unto anyone who interferes with the well being of either.
Also, I'd be hesitant to take the "kids don't understand" very far. This is the age of unabashed tv portrayals and ubiquitous internet access. Beyond that, children are more perceptive than we imagine and sadly more than incidentally influenced by conflict in the household. A 13 year old can count the years, draw conclusions, and google "cheating." The paradox of being legally separated yet living together will likely be lost, but I would find it an incredulous scenario that dad would live with mom while openly carrying on a relationship with the new GF.
I think you should seek counseling for yourself and insist your son get his own counseling. NOT to get used to the idea of this or any future GF or BF of mom's, but to process his own feelings about the divorce. He needs to see his own counselor - one that does not report to your or the mom.
Mom probably needs counseling too, but you can't make her go. That's her problem. If she is manipulating your son, then your son's counselor will begin to see through that in his therapy and give him the tools he needs to make his own decisions and own his own - not his mom's - feelings.
Just curious - have you ever met your GF in person and do you see her often?
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