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Quit being selfish and at least tell you mother. Let her enjoy being a grandmother.
I think you know what you should do or you wouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers this question.
You should try to be apart of the child's life in one way or another. Your friends with benefits mother of your child will find someone else she sounds great. You may not be in the boys life for long when she finds another man which she will to take your place in her life and your son's life.
I would suggest that you try to be there for this child and show your father how it should have been in your childhood. You are going to find out one thing that no one can buy and with children if you give the child a chance you will find unconditional love. You can right the wrong of your childhood, watch, relive your childhood through this boy seeing Christmas in a loving child's eyes for the first time and making them laugh and love is something that no money can buy.
I don't want him to go through any difficulties. But I'm not sure I want anything else to do with him apart from sending the money.
Those 2 sentences don't go hand in hand. A child who doesn't know where they come from and has no idea who their father is is eventually GOING to have difficulties.
When they're the kid that can't go to the father/daughter dance with their dad, how much of that check is going to make that go away?
When they're the kid who goes to boy scout camp and all the rest of their kids have their dads camping with them, how much of that check is going to make that go away?
When they ask why their dad doesn't love them enough to want to know who they are, what amount of money is going to make that feel ok?
The young lady made the conscious decision to carry her pregnancy to term. The only thing that is obligated of you is to financially support the child assuming that the DNA test confirms it is indeed your biological child. Outside of that there is nothing expected of you in terms of being a presence in this child's life. The consequences of that choice are something you're going to have to live with.
That "nothing expected of you in terms of being a presence in this child's life" is one of the reason our society is disintegrating. From a moral perspective, YES, there ARE expectations. You create a life, then it's your responsibility and moral imperative to insure that that child is cared for in such a way as to promote its emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. Children need parental figures -- ideally, a mom and a dad, or two committed adults who can support each other through parenthood. Single moms start out at such a disadvantage, and only a small percentage of them end up being able to be everything to their child. And their kids end up being the ones who pay the price, because they grow up not knowing what is involved in a healthy, loving relationship.
I had been having this little fling with a woman, we were sleeping together occasionaly. Long story short, birth control failed and she's 21 weeks pregnant now. I left it up for her to decide if she wanted to keep the child. I accompanied her twice to an abortion clinic but she couldn't do it at the last minute. I'm not angry with her for that because I'm sure that isn't easy for a woman.
Well, she knows the first thing I'll do once the baby is born is to have a paternity test done so I'm pretty sure the child is mine.
I've never wanted to have children and there's nothing I value more than my personal freedom. I've got the job I want (engineering), I have a nice house, the car I wanted, I enjoy travelling to exotic places and not having to answer to anything or anyone besides my job.
Of course I'll sign the birth certificate if he's mine and I'll pay CS. I don't want him to go through any difficulties. But I'm not sure I want anything else to do with him apart from sending the money. It's a big responsability, I'm not good with children and I don't thing I would be that good to him.
I've discussed this with her and she just said it's my decision. However, she expects I won't come and go like the child is a toy. I assured her I won't if I decide to stay away.
I'm really not sure what to do...no one in my family knows about the baby.
I think you should wait until the baby is born to see how you feel then. Having a child opens up a world of love. You may like it more than you think.
This statement is the most important of anything in this post. You know what the right thing to do is. The fact that you know that you won't leave him if you look him in the eye means that you are a good person and are capable of being a good dad. Babies are very different in the abstract than seeing another person that is yours.
And I don't think you are a terrible person for making this post, just scared. But this is the thing, being a parent is scary. Every parent, no matter how planned the baby is, is scared and doesn't know what they are doing. We all think that we aren't going to be good enough. Parenting is huge love and that takes courage. What you are feeling about being scared is normal. However, not being a part of your child's life is wrong. But you don't let yourself make such a important decision based on fear. And as much as challenging as being a parent is, the rewards that you get are worth any sacrifice. I promise.
I try to live my life based on what I think I am going to regret when I am in the last few days of my life. I picture myself in a nursing home reflecting on my life. I am positive that you will not regret loving your son and knowing him. But I am positive that at the end of your life that you will regret leaving him and you will give anything to go back and fix this mistake.
You have the chance to make the right decision. And wait to make the decision until you hold him in your arms. Your son needs you.
I mean honestly how many of your guys parents actually wanted you? I know mine didn't and they have told me this. I've accomplished more than my family in my early 20's, with no help from parents. So if the kid wants to pay for child support and college than let him. Its a lot more than most parents that are involved in a child's life do.
I can't move this to parenting because it is the exact opposite.
Pay and leave. You are selfish (like you said, you don't want to be tied down), and should have a vasectomy so this does not happen again.
I can't see how you could provide anything of value as a parent.
I agree with this, draw up a contract with her, both of you sign and notarize it, so you can't decide against it later. You seem like a flight risk. Plus, leave her you and your families medical history, since that will be needed for the boy for genetic health reasons. I think it's good to not see him, once you do it will be hereditarily hard to ignore your flesh and blood. You will be drawn to him like you've never been drawn to another person before. We are made that way.
Get fixed, like a good dog, and don't have children all over the place, you're not a stud.
Leave open the possibility that your family will find out and as you get older you also might see things differently. You can't control her, nor will you be able to control your child as he grows older. You aren't around.
Plus, if you ever find the "one" then she'll have to be told you have other children.
I think you are intact because you might want children later with the right girl. That's what it really sounds like to me, you just don't want children right now. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made room for a "mistake."
So, be prepared to share your history with that girl in the future, since your sperms already been used. Plus, make sure you tell anyone you get serious with that you have a child. It doesn't matter if you don't acknowledge this, or take care of him, you need to be upfront. Some women don't want a man with children spread around, plus, some women will judge whether they want a man who left a mistake child without a dad. If you don't it will bite you in the arse later.
This statement is the most important of anything in this post. You know what the right thing to do is. The fact that you know that you won't leave him if you look him in the eye means that you are a good person and are capable of being a good dad. Babies are very different in the abstract than seeing another person that is yours.
And I don't think you are a terrible person for making this post, just scared. But this is the thing, being a parent is scary. Every parent, no matter how planned the baby is, is scared and doesn't know what they are doing. We all think that we aren't going to be good enough. Parenting is huge love and that takes courage. What you are feeling about being scared is normal. However, not being a part of your child's life is wrong. But you don't let yourself make such a important decision based on fear. And as much as challenging as being a parent is, the rewards that you get are worth any sacrifice. I promise.
I try to live my life based on what I think I am going to regret when I am in the last few days of my life. I picture myself in a nursing home reflecting on my life. I am positive that you will not regret loving your son and knowing him. But I am positive that at the end of your life that you will regret leaving him and you will give anything to go back and fix this mistake.
You have the chance to make the right decision. And wait to make the decision until you hold him in your arms. Your son needs you.
Beautiful post!
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