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Hey, OP, here's some things to think about, no matter what you decide.
You are no more responsible for what happened than she is. She is no less responsible for what happened that you are. Don't assume this is all on you, or is more on you than on her as an issue to solve. People here will remind you of your choices, but let's remember her choices in this. She chose to not practice sexual abstinence. She chose to have sex without the financial security of marriage. She took the same gamble as you did on whatever form of birth control was used. She chose to not have an abortion. She can choose adoption. In case you feel the pressure to rescue her, return to her the responsibility of all of her choices she made, and will make, as the adult she is, and do not feel you need to rescue her from herself. Or, at least, do not let anyone here treat you like it's on you to rescue her from her conscious choices.
Have you considered that she may have wanted to get pregnant? Was it a defective condom? Did she provide the condom or have access to it when you weren't looking? Some women poke holes in the condoms. Did she know you were an engineer thus had money? Professional athletes have to watch for women who will try to get pregnant by them in order to create a nice income stream through the courts. In today's feminism, you have to think about women like this. If you have already made her aware that you have good money for CS, she may be hearing from her girlfriends (and, later, her lawyer) how best to profit from this.
You had sex with her even though you had very strong feelings of independence for yourself. This is because you felt you had a certain control over things. Over variables. Over factors. You now see that you didn't have as much control as you thought. But yet, after reading some of what you wrote here, you continue to believe you can predict how certain things will play out, like in the courts, or how she can find another man, etc. You are still overconfident in your projections, and this can prevent you from protecting yourself legally. For instance, why sign the birth certificate even if you are the father? The courts will still make you pay, if DNA proves it, so why automatically sign? That signature may in turn invoke other facets of the law that will not be fair to you. The laws are a web of interdependent language. Point is, consult a lawyer before you sign anything.
You may wish to revoke your apparent statement that you waive any input to a decision to abort and leaving it all up to her. Don't be so accommodating to the implementation of the laws that bind you. If you want an abortion, say so, and say it to anyone involved. Even if the laws where you live ignore your input on that, go on record for saying it, if that's how you really feel. It's much more consistent to say you want an abortion because you do not want to be a father, than it is to concede or approve of the birth and then look like a douche because you do not want to be a parent.
Remember, if she had chosen to have an abortion, the women who are disgusted with you for your current attitude would never tell her that she is disgusting for aborting because she did not want to be a mother. Nope. Instead, they would rally around her for her "brave choice" and all of that sugar-coated language. I invite you to think with a little more sophistication and autonomy because the online public with whom you are depending for input are often rife with double standards. If you do not want a child, you have every right to insist on an abortion, even if society and the laws where you live have not caught up to the fact that you have equal input.
And yes, insist and obtain a DNA test (and a lawyer) before you consider signing anything.
Last edited by sylvianfisher; 11-02-2014 at 07:44 PM..
Reason: grammar
Hey, OP, here's some things to think about, no matter what you decide.
You are no more responsible for what happened than she is. She is no less responsible for what happened that you are. Don't assume this is all on you, or is more on you than on her as an issue to solve. People here will remind you of your choices, but let's remember her choices in this. She chose to not practice sexual abstinence. She chose to have sex without the financial security of marriage. She took the same gamble as you did on whatever form of birth control was used. She chose to not have an abortion. She can choose adoption. In case you feel the pressure to rescue her, return to her the responsibility all of her choices she made, and will make, as the adult she is, and do not feel you need to rescue her from herself. Or, at least, do not let anyone here treat you like it's on you to rescue her from her conscious choices.
Have you considered that she may have wanted to get pregnant? Was it a defective condom? Did she provide the condom or have access to it when you weren't looking? Some women poke holes in the condoms. Did she know you were an engineer thus had money? Professional athletes have to watch for women who will try to get pregnant by them in order to create a nice income stream through the courts. In today's feminism, you have to think about women like this. If you have already made her aware that you have good money for CS, she may be hearing from her girlfriends (and, later, her lawyer) how best to profit from this.
You had sex with her even though you had very strong feelings of independence for yourself. This is because you felt you had a certain control over things. Over variables. Over factors. You now see that didn't have as much control as you thought. But yet, after reading some of what you wrote here, you continue to believe you have control over how things will play out, like in the courts, or how she can find another man, etc. You are still overconfident in your projections, and this can prevent you from protecting yourself legally. For instance, why sign the birth certificate even if you are the father? The courts will still make you pay, if DNA proves it, so why automatically sign? That signature may in turn invoke other facets of the law that will not be fair to you. The laws are a web of interdependent language. Point is, consult a lawyer before you sign anything.
You may wish to revoke your apparent statement that you waive any input to a decision to abort and leaving it all up to her. Don't be so accommodating to the implementation of the laws that bind you. If you want an abortion, say so, and say it to anyone involved. Even if the laws where you live ignore your input on that, go on record for saying it, if that's how you really feel. It's much more consistent to say you want an abortion because you do not want to be a father, than it is to concede or approve of the birth and then look like a douche because you do not want to be a parent. Remember, if she had chosen to have an abortion, the women who are disgusted with you for your current attitude would never tell her that she is disgusting for aborting. Nope. Instead, they would rally around her for her "brave choice" and all of that sugar-coated language. I invite you to think with a little more sophistication and autonomy because the online public with whom you are depending for input are often rife with double standards. If you do not want a child, you have every right to insist on an abortion, even if society and the laws where you live have not caught up to the fact that you have equal input.
And yes, insist and obtain a DNA test before you sign anything.
Sylvianfisher, I 100% agree.
OP - take a position and own it. Research your rights and consult/invest in a lawyer if necessary. Best of luck to you!
Hey, OP, here's some things to think about, no matter what you decide.
You are no more responsible for what happened than she is. She is no less responsible for what happened that you are. Don't assume this is all on you, or is more on you than on her as an issue to solve. People here will remind you of your choices, but let's remember her choices in this. She chose to not practice sexual abstinence. She chose to have sex without the financial security of marriage. She took the same gamble as you did on whatever form of birth control was used. She chose to not have an abortion. She can choose adoption. In case you feel the pressure to rescue her, return to her the responsibility of all of her choices she made, and will make, as the adult she is, and do not feel you need to rescue her from herself. Or, at least, do not let anyone here treat you like it's on you to rescue her from her conscious choices.
Have you considered that she may have wanted to get pregnant? Was it a defective condom? Did she provide the condom or have access to it when you weren't looking? Some women poke holes in the condoms. Did she know you were an engineer thus had money? Professional athletes have to watch for women who will try to get pregnant by them in order to create a nice income stream through the courts. In today's feminism, you have to think about women like this. If you have already made her aware that you have good money for CS, she may be hearing from her girlfriends (and, later, her lawyer) how best to profit from this.
You had sex with her even though you had very strong feelings of independence for yourself. This is because you felt you had a certain control over things. Over variables. Over factors. You now see that you didn't have as much control as you thought. But yet, after reading some of what you wrote here, you continue to believe you can predict how certain things will play out, like in the courts, or how she can find another man, etc. You are still overconfident in your projections, and this can prevent you from protecting yourself legally. For instance, why sign the birth certificate even if you are the father? The courts will still make you pay, if DNA proves it, so why automatically sign? That signature may in turn invoke other facets of the law that will not be fair to you. The laws are a web of interdependent language. Point is, consult a lawyer before you sign anything.
You may wish to revoke your apparent statement that you waive any input to a decision to abort and leaving it all up to her. Don't be so accommodating to the implementation of the laws that bind you. If you want an abortion, say so, and say it to anyone involved. Even if the laws where you live ignore your input on that, go on record for saying it, if that's how you really feel. It's much more consistent to say you want an abortion because you do not want to be a father, than it is to concede or approve of the birth and then look like a douche because you do not want to be a parent.
Remember, if she had chosen to have an abortion, the women who are disgusted with you for your current attitude would never tell her that she is disgusting for aborting because she did not want to be a mother. Nope. Instead, they would rally around her for her "brave choice" and all of that sugar-coated language. I invite you to think with a little more sophistication and autonomy because the online public with whom you are depending for input are often rife with double standards. If you do not want a child, you have every right to insist on an abortion, even if society and the laws where you live have not caught up to the fact that you have equal input.
And yes, insist and obtain a DNA test (and a lawyer) before you consider signing anything.
Like I said, I value my personal freedom, I like to come and go as I please without commitment or family responsabilities. That doesn't along with having a child. I never had a good role model in my father so I could never be good to him (not talking about the abusive nature of my father of course).
I just think it's better to be honest now than to abandon him when he's old enough to remember it. It would be much worse then.
Saying you couldn't be a good father because your father wasn't one is nothing but a cop out. Based on your own experience, you know how not to behave. No one is saying that you have to be around like you and his mom are married. You will have plenty of time to travel, bang other women, and let the kid know that he has a dad.
I have to agree with what sylvianfisher said as well. In fact, I don't have much more to add other than my own take of growing up in a similar situation...
I grew up as the oldest of two children fathered by the same man. He wanted nothing to do with us (his child support payments were iffy though, it's good at least that yours won't be). Our mother, however, wanted us to 'have a daddy' so we were dragged to see him on sporadic occasions. Honestly, it was terrible, and we both would've preferred not to have a father involved at all. Having a father enter and exit and who obviously did not want to be a father did more harm than any good (my younger sister can attest to that). If she has a support system (which you stated she does have relatives nearby) then it might be best to let them be the family he'll have. I was very fine with only my mother's family, as well as the other children I knew growing up who were of a one-parent household.
Stay away if you don't want to be in the kid's life. However, make certain to pay your child support on time every month, and pay for the kid's health insurance if you have a company plan you can put him on, and at least half the cost of daycare.
I am raising my daughter without her father in her life (by his choice completely). He does the above regarding CS, health insurance, and daycare. It's a lot easier to parent her without him coming and going. People on here may tell you that it's your duty, but if your heart isn't in it, or if you see him as a burden, and you're constantly checking your watch until your day of visitation is over or you end up canceling visits at the last minute because you don't want to be there, that will, in my opinion, be more harmful to the boy than the kid figuring out that you don't actually like spending time with him.
Be open to seeing him when he's older (like a teenager) - he might want to know his father at that point, and it may be easier for you to do things with him by that age, as well (going to the game, whatever).
Again, I know people will disagree with me here, but if you're not going to love that boy and want to be in his life, then he will figure it out and likely be hurt by it. Be fair with your CS (don't pay the bare minimum), and start saving for college, because CS doesn't always end at the age of 18. And get the paternity test - you should pay for it, because you're the one with the questions, but getting one doesn't hurt. Do it before you sign the birth certificate.
Actually, it will probably be easier on the mom if you don't sign it (if you're not planning to be in the boy's life). If my daughter's father had signed her birth certificate, then I'd have had to have legal paperwork from him saying it's OK for my daughter to get a passport. Because his name wasn't listed, I could just get her a passport by myself. It would have been extremely annoying to get permission from a guy who has never even seen her (again, by his choice), and who had just signed her birth certificate years ago. Not signing the birth certificate does not mean anything legally in terms of being ordered to pay child support (the DNA will) - signing the birth certificate in some states, however, could cause you problems if the kid genetically isn't your's, however. So don't sign it, get the paternity test, and make your payments every month (on time) if the kid is your's.
Don't listen to these people who are reflexively calling you a douche bag and calling for your vasectomy. What is the point of the vasectomy now? I agree with what sylvianfisher wrote, but here are some additional thoughts:
It seems like you'd have a weirder relationship with the mom than the kid. It sounds to me like this woman wants a baby and doesn't really care about your relationship, or you in general. However, if you're the dad you are going to have to pay child support. You will be legally obligated. If you were actually married to the woman, you could just be a stay at home dad and not have to work. You could decide to become a tee ball coach, or struggling artist, or a personal trainer, or youth minister, or all of those things. It is strange because if you decided to marry the woman and then became a a broke idiot of a father, you wouldn't be a "douche bag" , you would just be a guy doing the right thing, with a big heart but maybe a small brain, and a smaller checkbook. However, it doesn't sound like that path is even an option.
Being a goof-off dad who is a bad provider wouldn't be against the law if you were married to the mother. However, if you aren't married, it is pretty much against the law. Thus, your freedom is going to be limited, anyway. You are always going to have to work, and send in child support checks. In this situation, since you are going to be paying for this kid anyway, and losing 'freedom' no matter what, I'd probably go with having some parental rights.
You're 34 and you'll be old pretty soon. You've really only got maybe about 4 good years left. After 40 it all goes downhill. 26 year old women want to sleep with 34 year olds, but they do not want to sleep with 40 year olds. If you're hella rich they will, but only begrudgingly. If you are George Clooney they will, but you are not George Clooney. After 38, the notion of sleeping with women your age will make you cringe. It's not a fun time. Maybe you were talking about other freedoms besides sex, but pretty much everything besides wine and cheese gets worse with age.
When you are really old (55+) it will probably be cooler to have a son that knows you and considers you his father, and can help you out in your old age instead of a spectre of a son that exists out in the world but you never were in contact with. Also, think of the kid. Kids like to have a cool dad. Even if you have a weird, non existent relationship with the mom, you could still be a cool dad to the kid when you are around.
If this is genuine.... I don't think people who really don't want to be parents should be parents. The child will pick up on the resentment and I think that would be a lot more damaging for a child than just having an absent father. But the OP should be there for the birth (if the mother wants) or after the birth to hold the child and decide then, not before.
You need to be a man and step up and take care of your child! Be the father that your father was not! Why should he be forced to grow up without a father?
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