Wife pissed that my brother is having their second kid the same week as ours (son, grandpa)
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Some people really latch onto and seem to enjoy family drama. I have never understood this and, while I do not have sisters, I've never felt any type of competition with any of my three sisters-in-law. And as far as I know, they've never felt any competition with me.
I think that the less attention your wife gets for this absurdity, the better. If she doesn't want to visit your parents, then just take your child and go on your own. If she wants to avoid family holidays because she can't stand it that your sister and her husband decided to have a second child, then that's fine; she can stay home alone. I think treating her like a brooding teenager is probably the best bet, because that's how she's asking. You can't (nor should you try to) force her to go to your family's functions, but she can't stop you from going and enjoying yourself and bringing your children along. I suspect that she's gotten attention for this ridiculous behavior in the past, so stopping any and all discussion about the topic will likely work in stopping the behavior.
This problem could have easily been avoided if all adults in the family had signed an official and binding INTERCOURSE SCHEDULE AGREEMENT prior to engaging in any physical contact.
I'm sure if you Google it, you could find a lawyer somewhere willing to draw one up for you, for a price.
BTW, I am laughing so hard and so loudly at this preposterous thread, I woke my sleeping son and scared the dog.
i dont think this unusual.
i have seen it in some families. it is like a deep seated angry feud of sorts.
my son married into a family where his wife and her female cousin from the time they were toddlers have had a very intense hostility. They are competitive, they seek to undermine each other, they go out of their way to try and out do each other, they lie to each other constantly ("i told her my dress would be blue because i know she copies me and she did and blue is a horrible color on her thats why i told her blue so she would look ugly" that sort of thing). It is a vicious, visceral, hostility that is deep seated. So in answer to your question, yes it does happen. i have also seen this with two sisters in the same family, i was friends with one of them in high school.
your priority has to be peace in your home and harmony in your marriage. that means rather than condemning your wife, try to listen to her and understand her feelings, and allow her to express her feelings. your loyalty at some level has to be first and foremost to your wife and your marriage and your family that is your own children. that has to come first. it is very visceral and even if you disagree you have to listen and try to understand your wife and her feelings.
Whats done is done. The OP loves his wife, married her and decided to pro create with her. But the truth is, she's a narcissist. Its hard when your head over heels in love to always see the signs in the beginning. One can't change a narcissist though as they don't see they are or how they behave is wrong. You can try therapy but I doubt she will go to one on one. So maybe family therapy or even you go so you can learn how to deal with a narcissist. You can't keep living they way you are. It will be toxic for your children, you and your other family members. Please seriously do something about it, your children deserve the best remember that.
What's the actual back story between your wife and your sister-in-law, OP?
There doesn't need to be a back story at that level. Wife's issues probably go farther back...someone in her past loved conditionally or competitively, setting every one up as jockeying for position. If her own mother was petty or controlling, that would do it. Any sort of unmodulated insecurities would do it.
My mom, who is 82, has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she sounds very much like the wife. Her MIL always liked SIL better...my kids like my MIL better...her low self esteem set her up for years of making comparisons and feeling left out, and as a result she is often unpleasant to be around. I don't blame my grandmother for not feeling comfortable around her.
I suggest to OP...has it occurred to your wife that maybe your Mom likes SIL better because she's nicer and not so petty and controlling? If your mom is closer to your brothers child, maybe it is because she is allowed to be! Your wife is creating artificial barriers.
My MIL likes my SIL better. She is more relaxed than I, a more extroverted personality. She's fun to be around. Heck, I like her better than my MIL. I'm more like MIL, quiet and introspective. After years of observation and self reflection, I learned to communicate with MIL and I still consider her an important person in my life, even tho I am now divorced and my husband is remarried.
Yes, if this is happening then it would be a problem.
While, my in-laws were very good about many things they never could understand why it was not OK to tell our ten year son about taking their other ten year old grandson on an exciting vacation (when they did not take our son anywhere). Or telling our teenage son and daughter about the car that they bought for their other grandson's sixteenth birthday (when they only gave our children a card and a twenty dollar bill for their sixteenth birthday).
I was not upset that they treated their other grandson differently, but, IMHO, it was rude "to rub it in" in front of their other grandchildren.
This.
My MIL couldn't stand me. It had nothing to do with me, she would never like any person her son married. But she did play favorites with the grandkids just exactly like the above poster. Cars and all. It provided our family with many fun times driving home after Christmas. It got to be our standard holiday joke.
You mom and sister may be very nice to your wife around you, and treat her like chit when you are not around.
But, if it is plain ol jealousy regarding kids birthday, that weird.
My brother and his wife had their 3 kids each within 2 weeks of our three kids. The cousins are all close to this day even though they are on 2 different coasts.
There are family dynamics which are plain hard to deal with. Parents play favorites with their children. If they play favorites as parents, they will as grandparents.
What might upset your wife is seeing how her child will be treated vs her sister-in-law's child. With the children born at the same time, it might make the differences more apparently and harder to take.
My MIL wanted to raise all her grandchildren as her own children. When I was assertive and wanted to have boundaries, she was unhappy. Like not having her in the birthing room was an issue. When we didn't spend a holiday with them because FIL was sick was an issue. Spending a holiday with my family was an issue. Literally, there were hundreds of points of conflict.
Your wife might be protecting herself by limiting contact with your parents. My husband moved us 500 miles away to protect me from his parents.
It might be similar with your wife OR your wife could be sensitive because of issues in her own childhood or family. Without talking about it or therapy, you will not know.
Put the slacks on, Dude...your wife has no right to put restrictions on visits with your son's grandparents. Get counseling for yourself; I don't think your wife will be agreeable to it, and you will need it, if you care to keep dancing through this minefield. She seems oblivious to the problem in this whole dynamic (herself).
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