Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I do think my wife is enabling him. She cooks for him, does his laundry, brings his food to his room, take the garbage out of the room, and still does bedtime stories with him (no I'm not joking). When July comes, I'm still not sure my wife will allow her son to be kicked out regardless if he has shelter or not. She is kind of getting tired of him being so demanding. Constantly calling her to bring something such as a drink to his bedroom. He demands that we be quiet on the weekend so he can get some sleep.
How can you expect this young man to grow up and assume adult responsibilities when your wife is literally treating him like a toddler?! It's long past time to drop the bedtime stories and other such crap! Start showing him how to do various chores around the house, and insist he participate in them. Ditto with personal hygiene (if he doesn't like water in his eyes, he can take a bath instead of a shower, and use a washcloth to clean his face - there's no excuse for him stinking). And before you say he won't do these things - remember, you control all his money. Bad hygiene, no chores done = no money for Junior. (Oh, look - there's a real downside to not working and earning your own money! It puts you under the complete control of someone else!) Cut off all his privileges and make him EARN the things he enjoys.
And it's past time for family counseling. Your stepson may have depression and be on the spectrum, but your wife is an equally big part of the problem. She needs to be encouraging him to grow up, not holding him back.
I don't this is a case where kicking him out is the right thing. Sound to me like he needs help. A therapist is a good start. Unfortunately, that isn't something you can make him do either. Hopefully he understands that a therapist would be valuable to him and improving his life. At that age, not having a relationship would have been motivation enough for me.
Pack a duffel bag for him without him knowing about. Put a few bucks in it. Take him for a drive and drop him off in front of the YMCA with the bag.
It's the best thing you could do for him. He'll figure things out on his own and will feel good about himself for it. He might be angry with you for quite awhile but it is worth it to know you did the right thing for his growth. Yes there are risks but what you are currently doing isn't working.
Remember when you went out from home and worked things out for yourself? Your son will do it too. He's not clueless. He's avoiding what he knows is an eventual reality.
I don't this is a case where kicking him out is the right thing. Sound to me like he needs help. A therapist is a good start. Unfortunately, that isn't something you can make him do either.
If the OP's wife gets on board with the idea, it is something that can be forced. Go see a therapist and get some help, or be evicted. At 19, this "child" is a legal adult; as far as the law is concerned, Mom and Stepdad owe him nothing. That gives them real power over his behavior, if they are not afraid to use it.
Me and my wife gave our son the ultimatum to get a job by July or be kicked out. My wife's boss offered him a job but he refused to take the position. I will probably go to court to file an eviction so that it will be legal. If he does have a mental illness, I don't think he is so incapacitated that he can't work. In the meantime I will try to find a counselor for him and/or the family. I'm also looking for a program or home that will help adult children with mental disabilities if we do kick him out. I do think my wife is enabling him. She cooks for him, does his laundry, brings his food to his room, take the garbage out of the room, and still does bedtime stories with him (no I'm not joking). When July comes, I'm still not sure my wife will allow her son to be kicked out regardless if he has shelter or not. She is kind of getting tired of him being so demanding. Constantly calling her to bring something such as a drink to his bedroom. He demands that we be quiet on the weekend so he can get some sleep. I hope she gets so frustrated at the stench and demands that he eventually throws him out. I know I don't want to take care of him for life. I believe he just doesn't want to grow up. Thanks for the replies.
You believe, you believe..
I believe you and your wife have failed this kid. This type of behavior doesn't start at 19. If your wife refused to get him treatment as a child, where were you? It sounds like two children were raising a child, and now are looking to excise themselves of the responsibility of reaping what they sewed.
Moving solves nothing. The child will still have the mental health issue to deal with. This is just as cruel as abandoning a child because he or she is autistic. This is a mental health issue and needs to be dealt with by a professional. It doesn't have anything to do with biology vs. step-parents. Concerns for a blame game is a non-sequitur. There are plenty of people in blended families and their kids don't have these issues. The parents need to make an appoint to have him evaluated by a medical professional. But the vast majority of parents don't want to admit their child has a mental health problem, even though treatment could very well save their lives. Because they think this reflects badly on them, and the all too important concern over "What will the neighbors think?", which is just as meaningless about worrying who is going to be blamed.
I am rather confused reading this and other posts on the topic. I'm thinking most people commenting here have never been a stepparent because the reality of being a stepparent is that often the bio parent does not allow the step parent to take on a parental role.
Reading between the lines, I can see that OP's wife has not allowed him to discipline or parent her son. Not only has she she not prepared him for life, but she has probably rebuffed any constructive criticism and advice regarding her son over the years to the point where OP feels powerless. This is why OP is left hoping that one day his wife will become as fed up as he is with his stepson and give him what he needs. That is probably going to be his best bet. He should just lay low, not complain and hope that his wife one day smells the coffee.
I agree with you that moving won't help his stepson, but it will help OP immensely to not have to put up with the crap he's having to put up with. Unless OP has adopted his stepson, the stepson already has both a father and a mother, crappy as they may be. He has no authority whatsoever, legally,. morally or otherwise, to make this man's parents step up an do their jobs.
Your wife screwed this kid over by denying him treatment. How much did you fight that? Seriously, I don't see how he could succeed given what you're describing. He's depressed. He's likely neurologically atypical. And he has his mother doing everything but wiping his ass.
If you want anything to ever be right in your household, you will give your wife an ultimatum that she joins you in couples counseling or you're gone. And that's a precursor to your wife getting herself into therapy. Because here's the thing: Your wife's dysfunctional behaviors have warped your stepson's life, and if there's going to be any help for him or solution that doesn't end with him dead or homeless, his mother needs to get herself right first.
I am rather confused reading this and other posts on the topic. I'm thinking most people commenting here have never been a stepparent because the reality of being a stepparent is that often the bio parent does not allow the step parent to take on a parental role.
The lad here needs to be recused and it doesn't matter who does it, provided it gets done. The wife doesn't want to admit there is a problem and doesn't want him to have meds, so that's very bad. I'd make an appointment without her if needed and take him in myself. Then have a meeting with her about it afterwards and insist she be involved if needed. She is just going to have to deal with it, while the OP doesn't allow his children's life to be trashed.
Reading between the lines, I can see that OP's wife has not allowed him to discipline or parent her son. Not only has she she not prepared him for life, but she has probably rebuffed any constructive criticism and advice regarding her son over the years to the point where OP feels powerless. This is why OP is left hoping that one day his wife will become as fed up as he is with his stepson and give him what he needs. That is probably going to be his best bet. He should just lay low, not complain and hope that his wife one day smells the coffee.
I'd argue that ultimately he's probably going to need to divorce his wife (unless he wants to live with and financially support his stepson forever). Yes, it would be great if the OP's wife would wake up and accept that her smother-mothering has created a monster, but I suspect that she won't ultimately be willing to do so. Nor will she be willing to turn her completely dysfunctional son out of the house, ever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Your wife screwed this kid over by denying him treatment. How much did you fight that? Seriously, I don't see how he could succeed given what you're describing. He's depressed. He's likely neurologically atypical. And he has his mother doing everything but wiping his ass.
If you want anything to ever be right in your household, you will give your wife an ultimatum that she joins you in couples counseling or you're gone. And that's a precursor to your wife getting herself into therapy. Because here's the thing: Your wife's dysfunctional behaviors have warped your stepson's life, and if there's going to be any help for him or solution that doesn't end with him dead or homeless, his mother needs to get herself right first.
^^^Amen! Plus, there's another complicating factor: the OP's bio-daughter. Stepson is ultimately not his responsibility (at least not legally, unless the OP adopted him), but his biological daughter is. He needs to do right by her as well as himself. And this isn't a healthy household for her to be raised in.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
