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Great idea. You need four years of college. Same with Americorps / vista.
People get on me on this forum because I push for at LEAST a four year degree. There isn't much one can do without one. Not even volunteer.
So that option is out unless she graduates.
There is one teeny loophole, but I don't think the OP's daughter would qualify:
Quote:
Do I need a college degree?
Opportunities are available for individuals with a combination of relative job experience and education, though most opportunities require a four-year degree.
I think you need some sort of third party intervention (e.g., a counselor); otherwise, you are all stuck in behavior ruts that will not change. Will she return to counseling? And will you and your wife go if need be? Some one has to step up and suggest a change.
They all need THAT too, besides academic, volunteer and trade advice.
This can be accomplished online, since they all don't seem to live together. Many family therapists will counsel online using Zoom or another online format.
Everyone in the family, including each parent, needs to take SOME responsibility for what has gone on.
Parenting just does NOT END @ 18. Or 21. And no, I do not care how old your parents had children. Or grandparents. It's irrelevant for young adults raised NOW.
If kids were ready for full adulthood at 16-21 - why is it that experts in social services agree that children "in the system" - Foster Care - still need to be adopted at those ages?
Kids who "age out" do not do well on average.
In fact, they do VERY POORLY.
Kicking a kid who is performing poorly in life who are kicked out and left to their own devices OR indulged and spoiled - do really badly.
This kid - and KID is what she is, has been both. INDULGED and NEGLECTED.
INDULGED and NEGLECTED is the most lethal combination when it comes to creating an entitled BRAT.
Am I being judgmental? NO. I am repeating facts and outcomes that psychological and social statistics show to be true.
not called just one time. This was a simple 6-7 yr old not wanting to eat food her grand made for her or playing with her dolls and not stopping for a bath. This is not uncommon behavior for a child.
I bought her a used car at age 17 because she needed it for work, musical practice and got "A" grades. This is a normal incentive from where I grew up in California. Yes, that's how my bros and sisters were raised is you give them the tools when earned, the right education, the right teen peers, guidance, and incentives to make good choices in life. We turned out fine. Which part is wrong here?
I became unhappy with all her decisions AFTER she got the car. She became worse after it was bought. She became a compulsive liar and lied about a car accident after each mechanic said no way it happened like she said. I was lied to a month ago about illegal possession.
So this hasn’t been ongoing since she was 13 as your post title suggests?
All the suggestions in the world won’t help if you refuse to acknowledge your part in what has happened here. You say you can’t change the past but you have to at least recognize the mistakes you have made if you want to change future outcomes.
I know exactly what your family is going through. You can start by Googling "personality disorders" and you will come up with a number of subjects such as: Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or BiPolar
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
Borderline Personality Disorder--really meaning they're borderline psychotic.
If you carefully study the characteristics of the above conditions, you will see your daughter time and time again. The chances are that your daughter is a mixture of a few disorders rather than just one.
Improvements may come with long term, hard core therapy, however most refuse to go to therapy because they refuse to admit there's a problem. And they won't admit that it's not okay to act the way they do. The only improvements come from hard core mental health hospital residential programs lasting a year or more. There are few such therapy facilities in the country, and they're unbelievably expensive--far above what health insurance will pay for. The internet says that the chances improving with some of these conditions are very, very unlikely.
Unfortunately, young adults cannot be held in a mental hospital against their will for more than a day or two. And they may be held only when deemed they're a danger to themselves or others around them.
People with these personalities will be like a magnet for Meth cookers, drug dealers, hard core drug users, thieves and those that spend much of their time in the local jail. Young people with personality disorders are easily swayed and take on the personalities of criminals--always looking for respect when it's not earned. And they're quick to be hard core drug addicts. If you let your daughter get too close to you, she'll bring all of these people into your family's lives and you will find yourself in a living Hell.
The only thing you can do as a parent is read about personality disorders and figure out what your daughter's problems are. Then go to therapy yourself to learn how to deal with her. We also went to ALANON to be educated further. And you and your family has to get on the same wave length to avoid being ENABLERS. Consistency of all family members is of the utmost importance.
Our daughter has been wallowing in a self induced Hell for the last 15 years. At 32 years old, she's only worked about 3 months in her life. She goes from boyfriend to boyfriend--all of which are ex-convicts. She talks about going to trade school, but every excuse is made not to go. She's now on ankle express after letting her last two boyfriends total out her cars. She has been couch surfing for the last 3 years, and the people she stays with are drug addicts and prostitutes. Liz has an attitude that she's "superior" to these people and brags about her family's big home, lake home and assets. I cannot tell you how many of our cars have been stolen and recovered wrecked with drug paraphernalia in them. We've been victims of burglaries too--and major items stolen. My car insurance and homeowners' insurance is now 2x that of normal policies. She has a 12 year old son and an 8 year old daughter who the courts have taken away her visitation rights. Attorneys to keep these kids out of foster care and in our lives has cost us a small fortune. We're permanently raising the 8 year old daughter who's an amazing person who understands her mother's shortcomings. She has been in jail 5 times in the last year--mostly for not showing up for court hearings for traffic court, possession of drug paraphernalia and not paying any of her $2000 fines.
I do pay for her health insurance and co-pays, but nothing else. If she goes to jail for any reason, we do not bail her out. My wife has an inexpensive cellphone so she can communicate, but our daughter only talks to people in low places and her friends call her constantly from prison.
We have never given up on our daughter, but realistically there's a very small chance that she will ever improve. We have felt guilty about her condition and some decisions we made, but she was raised right and she believes in God. But one day, something went "click" and she was suddenly where she's at now--extremely badly behaved.
We got tired of being hassled by the local police last year, packed up and moved 65 miles away. Life is much better without our daughter in our lives any more than she is. When she is allowed in our presence, she may be okay for a little while. But shortly she starts insulting my wife and acting without manners, etc. She's simply incapable of normal behavior, and we feel sorry for her. But my wife and I are no longer going to be miserable in our retirement years. It's bad enough that we'll be 80 years old when Brynley gets out of high school. But we must do what we've gotta do, and we keep a clear conscience.
We hope your daughter's outcome is going to be better than our daughter's turned out.
I know exactly what your family is going through. You can start by Googling "personality disorders" and you will come up with a number of subjects such as: Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or BiPolar
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
Borderline Personality Disorder--really meaning they're borderline psychotic.
If you carefully study the characteristics of the above conditions, you will see your daughter time and time again. The chances are that your daughter is a mixture of a few disorders rather than just one.
Improvements may come with long term, hard core therapy, however most refuse to go to therapy because they refuse to admit there's a problem. And they won't admit that it's not okay to act the way they do. The only improvements come from hard core mental health hospital residential programs lasting a year or more. There are few such therapy facilities in the country, and they're unbelievably expensive--far above what health insurance will pay for. The internet says that the chances improving with some of these conditions are very, very unlikely.
Unfortunately, young adults cannot be held in a mental hospital against their will for more than a day or two. And they may be held only when deemed they're a danger to themselves or others around them.
People with these personalities will be like a magnet for Meth cookers, drug dealers, hard core drug users, thieves and those that spend much of their time in the local jail. Young people with personality disorders are easily swayed and take on the personalities of criminals--always looking for respect when it's not earned. And they're quick to be hard core drug addicts. If you let your daughter get too close to you, she'll bring all of these people into your family's lives and you will find yourself in a living Hell.
The only thing you can do as a parent is read about personality disorders and figure out what your daughter's problems are. Then go to therapy yourself to learn how to deal with her. We also went to ALANON to be educated further. And you and your family has to get on the same wave length to avoid being ENABLERS. Consistency of all family members is of the utmost importance.
Our daughter has been wallowing in a self induced Hell for the last 15 years. At 32 years old, she's only worked about 3 months in her life. She goes from boyfriend to boyfriend--all of which are ex-convicts. She talks about going to trade school, but every excuse is made not to go. She's now on ankle express after letting her last two boyfriends total out her cars. She has been couch surfing for the last 3 years, and the people she stays with are drug addicts and prostitutes. Liz has an attitude that she's "superior" to these people and brags about her family's big home, lake home and assets. I cannot tell you how many of our cars have been stolen and recovered wrecked with drug paraphernalia in them. We've been victims of burglaries too--and major items stolen. My car insurance and homeowners' insurance is now 2x that of normal policies. She has a 12 year old son and an 8 year old daughter who the courts have taken away her visitation rights. Attorneys to keep these kids out of foster care and in our lives has cost us a small fortune. We're permanently raising the 8 year old daughter who's an amazing person who understands her mother's shortcomings. She has been in jail 5 times in the last year--mostly for not showing up for court hearings for traffic court, possession of drug paraphernalia and not paying any of her $2000 fines.
I do pay for her health insurance and co-pays, but nothing else. If she goes to jail for any reason, we do not bail her out. My wife has an inexpensive cellphone so she can communicate, but our daughter only talks to people in low places and her friends call her constantly from prison.
We have never given up on our daughter, but realistically there's a very small chance that she will ever improve. We have felt guilty about her condition and some decisions we made, but she was raised right and she believes in God. But one day, something went "click" and she was suddenly where she's at now--extremely badly behaved.
We got tired of being hassled by the local police last year, packed up and moved 65 miles away. Life is much better without our daughter in our lives any more than she is. When she is allowed in our presence, she may be okay for a little while. But shortly she starts insulting my wife and acting without manners, etc. She's simply incapable of normal behavior, and we feel sorry for her. But my wife and I are no longer going to be miserable in our retirement years. It's bad enough that we'll be 80 years old when Brynley gets out of high school. But we must do what we've gotta do, and we keep a clear conscience.
We hope your daughter's outcome is going to be better than our daughter's turned out.
yes, she is more receptive to rebellious type people who don't like their parents, musicians, basically those without professional aspirations. It really baffles me because she was close with two kids abroad from age 4-12 who also moved back to the states. Their mom and hers are still very close even today. All have a strong faith and the right mindset.
I'm not giving up on her because she has greater possibilities than me or her mother. I've told her that multiple times. Yet, I also recognize when eggshells are not stepped on carefully enough there may be a blow-up. I don't want any drama at my age and my nagging chronic health issues. Obviously, there are some things I could have done better too.
Last edited by allaboard19; 06-20-2020 at 05:51 AM..
So this hasn’t been ongoing since she was 13 as your post title suggests?
All the suggestions in the world won’t help if you refuse to acknowledge your part in what has happened here. You say you can’t change the past but you have to at least recognize the mistakes you have made if you want to change future outcomes.
Well, most teens are rebellious from 13. She became particularly annoyed & cold with me when I had to return to the US and get medical treatment. It was 6-months of physical therapy that was necessary because I was not able to walk or sit w/o excruciating pain.
Yes and it’s called brainwashed by liberal ideology. Most of the youths in this country has undergone that “liberal programming.”
I have a relative at a very competitive university.........kid is swinging way liberal after just 2 years. Of course it's easy to be liberal when you aren't working, you are having a good time at someone elses expense (parents) and are around others with the same mindset.
Of course that all crashes to an end when they graduate and take a "way below them" job and have to face reality.
Well, most teens are rebellious from 13. She became particularly annoyed & cold with me when I had to return to the US and get medical treatment. It was 6-months of physical therapy that was necessary because I was not able to walk or sit w/o excruciating pain.
Is this when you weren’t gone or absent? Your story has so many holes in it.
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