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We are on our second set of kids with 18years between the two sets. These girls are 7-four months apart. From the get go we decided to tone down Christmas and birthdays. One gift for the two to share at birthdays and one individual gift. No relatives. no parties with lots of useless presents.
Christmas this year means one big family Wii gift and about $100 per girl or combined presents which includes clothes.
We go to the library everry week so they love new books and think of the library as a source of new books. I can't see buying books at this age unless it is a special resource or picture book.
One new bird feeder and special bag of birdfood and new binoculars is also a family gift.
If you don't start them off with a house full of presents, they don't have to have their expectations toned down.
BTW wE we have saved almost all the toys from the grown kids and they love playing with them. They are new to them. We have a box of about 35lbs of legos and the instruction sheets.
And one thing is true. With our retirement savings in the toilet, one income and who knows what kind of job security- we will certainly NOT BE GOING INTO DEBT for Christmas.
none of us want to disappoint our kids but i think they should learn early that these are tight times and every one must pitch in with some type of realistic reduction in wants.
We have two children 4 and 10 and have been on a tight (getting tighter) budget for the last two years.
Throughout the year our children will ask for toys and we'll tell them, "no" unless they have their own money and we tell them the times they will receive toys from us are at Christmas and their birthdays.
What kind of stuff do they want throughout the year? Is it anything with certain character or is it expensive stuff like an ipod? Do you always tell them no because it is the wrong time or the wrong item? If you tell them you do not need that because you have x,y and z at home and you never play with it, then when they do not get it later they are not surprised.
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Originally Posted by onehappylady1
They have had some plentiful Christmases in the past but because of moving away from family, stuggling finances and death of a grandparent, our kids need to know that many toys they want at Christmas they will not get. How do you (or have you) helped your children accept less at Christmas (especially when they tend to compare their gifts to their friends'?) How do you make a permanent lowering of expectations among your children?
I have a 4yo and she has no idea of which toys are expensive and which aren't.
What kind of stuff does the 10yo want? Is it electronics? You may find some stuff used on craigslist.
If he/she want to have the latest giztmo then you just got to say something like it is not worth that much money and it will go down in price in a few months, etc...
Now with all that said, how much of this is your guilt at not being able to but everything they desire? You know if you overindulge them they will have problems later in life. A good parent says no to their kids.
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Originally Posted by Hopes
As for any kids who received EVERYTHING on their lists in the past, I'd say the parents were off their rockers even when they had the money!
We are on our second set of kids with 18years between the two sets. These girls are 7-four months apart. From the get go we decided to tone down Christmas and birthdays. One gift for the two to share at birthdays and one individual gift. No relatives. no parties with lots of useless presents.
Predicable is good for children. My mother would cook our favorite dinner.
Afterwards we'd have cake and there would be one gift. Period.
It was nice. Never felt unloved.
I have no idea how I turned into a parent who buys too much crap for her children.
The grandparents are a big source of our problems with the kids at christmas. They, by nature, seem to have lots more disposable income than we do. By disposable I mean money they can blow on crap. My finances are very lean....and I don't have much on the side to blow on crap. So I set a budget every year for christmas on how much I'm willing to spend on each kid. It's a graduated budget. I spend more on the oldest kid than the youngest simply because gifts for the older kids seem to be more expensive.
The grandparents know not what it means to budget for christmas and they just run out and buy tons of stuff for each kid....even stuff we wish they would not buy.
We also have to travel 6-7hrs to get home for xmas. What that means is we have a car load of kids, a dog, and suitcases....and very little room for much else. SO we always ask that the gifts that they do give be smaller in size or be prepared to ship it to our house. My parents are usually pretty good on that front. OTOH...my inlaws....well....my FIL takes that bit of information....ignores it...and buys HUGE toys for the kids. This usually leaves me being outside in the freezing cold on the day we have to travel home trying to figure out how to stuff all this crap in the car.
OK....with all of the above in mind guess what happens to a lot of these toys that were so much fun at christmas less than 6 months later. They become a huge messy pile on their bedroom floors. And ultimately...within 2-5 years....a lot of them end up broken and destined for a landfil. So if you happen to be a grandparent who loves to spoil your grandchildren you may want to consider what your lack of frugalness during the holidays is doing to the environment.
The grandparents are a big source of our problems with the kids at christmas. They, by nature, seem to have lots more disposable income than we do. By disposable I mean money they can blow on crap. My finances are very lean....and I don't have much on the side to blow on crap. So I set a budget every year for christmas on how much I'm willing to spend on each kid. It's a graduated budget. I spend more on the oldest kid than the youngest simply because gifts for the older kids seem to be more expensive.
The grandparents know not what it means to budget for christmas and they just run out and buy tons of stuff for each kid....even stuff we wish they would not buy.
We also have to travel 6-7hrs to get home for xmas. What that means is we have a car load of kids, a dog, and suitcases....and very little room for much else. SO we always ask that the gifts that they do give be smaller in size or be prepared to ship it to our house. My parents are usually pretty good on that front. OTOH...my inlaws....well....my FIL takes that bit of information....ignores it...and buys HUGE toys for the kids. This usually leaves me being outside in the freezing cold on the day we have to travel home trying to figure out how to stuff all this crap in the car.
OK....with all of the above in mind guess what happens to a lot of these toys that were so much fun at christmas less than 6 months later. They become a huge messy pile on their bedroom floors. And ultimately...within 2-5 years....a lot of them end up broken and destined for a landfil. So if you happen to be a grandparent who loves to spoil your grandchildren you may want to consider what your lack of frugalness during the holidays is doing to the environment.
Grandparents love to indulge their grandchildren. Perhaps you should just be grateful for their generosity rather than seeing it as a personal affront?
In the short term, I suggest loading the car with whatever will fit based on the kids' desires and then kindly asking the FIL to ship the remainder. If he is not inclined, then suggest that he keep the rest of the toys at his house for your next visit. This serves two purposes: it will lighten your load, and it will gently give him a clue about what gifts the kids could have done without, which will hopefully reign in his gift buying the following year. If not, rinse and repeat for as many holidays as necessary. Whatever you do, maintain a gracious attitude, because if you complain on the way home where your children can overhear it, I guarantee that those words will come back to bite you when you least expect it. Ask me how I know!
When you get home, consider putting aside some of the Christmas toys for a rainy day sometime later in the year. Anything that no longer holds your kids' interest after a few months can be donated. Let them choose what goes. If they participate in giving, they might be more inclined to keep their things in good condition. Toys need not go into the landfill unless they are irreparable.
Over the long term, I suggest talking openly to your children about the abundance of their lives. You can start the conversation by reading books like Too Many Toys or Children Just Like Me to younger kids. With older kids, look through the book, Material World. The difference between the American lifestyle and the rest of the world's is eye-opening even for adults. A visit to the landfill might also be in order. There's nothing like seeing a mountain of trash to make you question whether or not something you own still has a little life left in it.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 12-04-2009 at 11:19 AM..
^In addition to them having an abundance of toys we also have toys we've put up in the basement - for a rainy day if you will - because of the lack of available space in their rooms. The thing about it is it keeps growing. We needn't even open those totes because we know that more will come with each chirstmas and birthday.
The younger two kids don't really completely understand abundance. But I've been working on the oldest to try to get it across to her that we actually do live a charmed life compared to many others in this world. Every once in a while I hear her talking about so-and-so's new Ipod Touch and so-and-so's fancy clothes from Aeropostale. I remind her about the neighbors next door who's father became unemployed and how all their kid's clothes were donated to them by their church. I work for the same company he was laid off from.....and I remind her that if the tables were turned....she may be wearing those donated clothes.....
^In addition to them having an abundance of toys we also have toys we've put up in the basement - for a rainy day if you will - because of the lack of available space in their rooms. The thing about it is it keeps growing. We needn't even open those totes because we know that more will come with each chirstmas and birthday.
It's time to introduce your kids to the joy of sharing their abundance with those who are less fortunate. Giving is one of the great joys in life, which your in-laws definitely seem to understand! Now, it's your kids' chance to bless others. Start with the totes in the basement, since I doubt they're even missing the stuff, and then move on to their rooms. Make sure they're part of the process. You might be surprised at just how generous they can be.
The thing is that no matter how much or how little we have, our lives have limits. There is only so much closet space, etc. We have a one in, one out rule in our house. If I buy a new coat, an old one goes. If I buy a new paperback, one I've already read goes to the library donation bin. If the kids receive a new toy, an old one goes in the Goodwill box.
In the spirit of giving, we also celebrate Martinmas. St. Martin was a Roman soldier who cut his cloak in half to save a beggar from freezing during a snowstorm. Traditionally, St. Martins Day is recognized by many Catholics as a day to donate coats to those who need them. We've expanded it a little to include collecting toys, clothing & household goods that we no longer need in order to bless others and to open space in our home for the abundance of the holidays. You don't have to be Catholic to do something similar. Designate a day in the fall to go through the house as a family on a giving treasure hunt. Pack everything up and take it to Goodwill or a re-sale shop. Make it fun, and I bet your kids will really enjoy it.
Last edited by formercalifornian; 12-04-2009 at 12:55 PM..
^the thing about that is....if they knew we were just giving away toys that they bought they would be upset.
Something our kids need on a consistent basis that they don't ever seem to get enough of is clothes. I could shout this from the mountain tops every christmas and get 'boos'. Why? Because everyone in my family is under the impression that chirstmas is about giving kids toys and electronics.
So, they're upset. The world won't come to an end. Tell them that the kids' rooms were so crowded that they couldn't enjoy or take care of their toys. Tell them that the children decided what to donate and that you are so very proud of their generosity and you hope that they will be, too.
Being a parent is tough! If you want your kids to have values like generosity & gratitude, then you have to teach them what that means. I've given you several ideas and you've shot them all down with excuses. Stop blaming your in-laws and your kids. Learn to set limits and deal with the consequences. It takes backbone to stick to your convictions, but the end results are worth it.
As far as clothes go, you know what they need, so buy the stuff yourself. Let the in-laws give the toys, since they seem to enjoy it a great deal. Consider it your gift to them!
Last edited by formercalifornian; 12-04-2009 at 01:16 PM..
^I'm not shooting your ideas down. They are actually good ideas. Thanks.
I guess that's a good thing to say to them if they get bent out of shape about us giving away their gifts.
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