Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Joshua
I can only assume by this paragraph that you either have intimate, first hand experience with gender identity disorder or you are a psychologist. So for the purpose of full disclosure would you mind telling us which one applies to you.
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Nope - neither. If you really want full disclosure, here's my story (as it relates to this issue):
I've never had any gender identity issues. I have a penis, and I've always been a very close reflection of our cultural standard of masculinity (currently as a 28 year old adult and as a child). I'm a man and have never even remotely felt otherwise. I love the outdoors - I'm an avid skier, camper, and hiker. You'll never find a more rabid or dedicated sports fan (Go Broncos, Nuggets, Avs and Rockies). I love ragging on women and the very strange things they do. And on and on and on.
I'm not a psychologist - I'm a chemist (thinking about law school though). I like to think of myself as an intellectual, and I've always surrounded myself with thoughtful, intelligent, professional (meaning advanced degree) people. I know several psychologists (earlier this year I spent a week copy editing my friend Amanda's psychology Ph.D. dissertation), and we regularly discuss and argue about a whole range of things. I briefly talked to two them about this particular topic over the last two days.
That said, I do know what it's like to be different in a society that largely doesn't accept differences. I'm gay. As a gay kid I was pretty lucky though. I had relatively accepting parents growing up (they're wonderfully accepting and supportive now). At 17 when I told my parents I was gay, my dad didn't react violently but instead just wanted me to see a doctor so I could get "fixed". I was never picked on or bullied at school - I was salutatorian of my high school class and a star athlete (I still hold swimming state records and was an All State runner).
Even given that, as a kid I considered myself an outcast. I tormented myself about my sexuality from 10-17. My last thought before going to bed every night for 7 years was hoping that I'd wake up "normal". I didn't have many "normal" friends. I saw how **** (the more feminine boys - whether gay or not) were tormented at school and I figured the best way to avoid such a fate was to never be discovered for who I actually was - and that the best way to never be discovered was to not interact with the "normal", or popular crowd. There came a point for me when I could no longer keep up the charade - it had to end. I was 17 and off at college and I either had to acknowledge and seek acceptance for my "difference", or I had to kill myself. I strongly considered both. If you ask any out gay person my age or older you'll find that essentially all of us at some point in our youth at least thought about suicide as a way out.
My parents have told me they first suspected I was gay when I was 6. Finding my Play
girl stash at 11 (I stole them from the local mall starting at age 10) and the gay porn I downloaded off the computer at 14 confirmed it. I was punished for those things - as I should have been for the stealing - but I was also told that my thinking was wrong; that it's wrong for men to be sexually attracted to men. Today, asking my dad why he said that, he tells me he never actually believed that homosexually was wrong (he's an atheist), he just knew that society didn't accept it and that he was trying to protect me by trying to get me to change. It didn't protect me. All my 11 year old mind processed was that my parents didn't love me. It only made me hate myself more.
Looking back, I wish to God my parents had told me "son, we know you're different, we know you're gay. We accept it and we love for who you are. If you want to come out at school we'll support you. If you want to keep it a secret we'll support you too". My parents have told me many times since that not doing just that is their biggest regret, not as parents, but in their lives period.
And I had it easy - lol. I can't imagine (well, I can - I know dozens of people who were in these situations) growing up as a "different" kid who could not hide his difference. I was a boy attracted to other boys. That's pretty easy to hide from classmates. I imagine it's impossible for a naturally feminine boy (princess boy) or a naturally masculine girl (tomboy) to hid that. I also can't imagine growing up in a truly close-minded, intolerant household. I've heard so many horror stories of 14 year old boys being thrown out of their house at gunpoint because they were discovered as gay by their parents (half of all homeless teens in the US are gay). Can you imagine being a kid in both those situations?
Enough of my story - back to this kid. Who knows if this kid is "different". Like has been pointed out many times (including by me) this could very easily just be a phase and he'll outgrow it tomorrow. It's also possible this is an expression of his true self, of his true personality. It's possible (even likely) that he is a feminine male - and there is
NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH THAT.
And again, I understand the practical situation. If it is just a phase, he'll grow out of it. What's the harm in allowing him a perfectly harmless phase for however long it lasts? However, if he really is a feminine boy, then his parents are pretty much in a lose-lose situation. If this really is his true personality, then it's going to shine through no matter if his parents accept and encourage it, or reject and try to suppress and change it. His parents realize this - that's why they are being proactive by writing this book and trying to put it into his school. For that, I think they deserve some sort of parent of the year award.
The worse case scenario for this boy is that he is a feminine male and is both rejected at home by his parents and picked on at school because he can't hide who he is. I bet that his parents pray every night that this is just a phase and when they wake up tomorrow their son has outgrown it. However, if it's not and this is his true self, then he's going to be picked on to some degree, but at least let his home be a sanctuary of love and acceptance.
I can tell you, with 100% certainly, that if he's truly a feminine boy and his parents send him the message that he is wrong, incorrect, and in need of changing, then he will grow up hating himself and feeling unloved by his own family. It doesn't matter if that message is truly what his parents believe or if they're sending it only in an effort to protect him from the "cruel world". Either way, it's just as damaging.
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