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I don't think the hair compliment was NOT a compliment. When people (over 25) have longer hair, it DOES make you look older. Cutting it shoulder length or shorter DOES take years off.
Now, the one about "oh I didn't know it was you -- you look so nice". RUDE
"You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you" RUDE
People are just rude. They think it's OK or think you're not smart enough to pick up on their dig at you.
I hate that. I hadn't seen my oldest sister in many years (and for good reason). I was at a party and they were having little contest things where you could win silly prizes. One was a polaroid photo. I won the photo, had it taken, and sent it to my sister. Her response? You got FAAAT!!!!!! Okay, I was dressed nice, my hair looked nice, I had a huge smile on my face. All she could see was that I gained weight since I last saw her 13 years prior. Like I said, there is a good reason I don't see her or talk to her or have anything to do with her. I sent that photo 21 years ago. I haven't spoken to or seen her since.
I (and YOU) don't need people like that in you life!
Just to be clear, this woman's remark didn't ruin my life or anything. I probably won't see her frequently in the future (but when I do I will remember her little remark, heh heh heh). I just would not say something like that to anyone, whether it was true or not. Also, I can't recall the last time I saw this woman (who has always had very short hair and is close to my age, too) so I don't even know what she remembers me looking like. I've been wearing my hair short for a few years now. I am WAY over 25. WAY WAY over, lol. But my thick, wavy hair was always my best feature, and I got a lot of compliments on it. I hadn't worn it really long in decades, though--just shoulder length.
The ones you marked above as rude--well, that's how that particular woman was. There are other reasons we aren't friends anymore--mostly that she and her husband babied and sympathized with my alkie husband after I threw his drunk ass out--but I used to just be amused when she said those things. I knew it was her own insecurity on full display.
I agree that we don't need people like that in our lives. As I got older, I learned more and more that sometimes it's best to just jettison the negative people and move on.
So your hair made you look great....younger...so what? Gee, this is small potata's.
People are thoughtless and dumb...so what's new.
Just don't be like them. Her intentions were good...and in the end she will probably burn in hell anyway.
Hahaha, you crack me up. Nah, don't wanna send anyone to hell, but I don't believe her intentions were good. People don't say things like that unless they have a little bit of hostility in them.
And it is small potatoes, but I suspected (and see that I am right) that others have dealt with this, so I figured it would be a good topic for the Psych forum.
As far as the dressing well one--I heard one years ago on TV that I'll say to a friend in jest because she knows I am kidding--"What a beautiful dress! Too bad they didn't have it in your size."
The clueless: these are not snide remarks, these people say how they really feel about you without noticing it. This is their thought process "that haircut looks cute" I'm gonna compliment her because I think my opinion would make her happy. "Oh she's older, she will love to hear she looks younger" All women love to hear they look younger.
The Negative These people are incapable for saying something nice without pointing out a negative aspect. They don't compliment very often because they don't feel comfortable so they suck when they do it. They would say things like "You look great with that dress unlike those ugly clothes you like to wear"(translations: you look good now but you have poor taste). "You are so pretty but you can't see it because you have self esteem issues". (Translation you have a pretty body but your are a messed up person). These people are the most sincere of the three groups.
The Haters: These individuals just hate the world and will throw a compliment sandwich to please their own ego "Hahaha, She thinks I was being nice but I really told her she sucks". "I'm outsmarting her" These people hate you and don't like anything related to you, including that thing they are complimenting you on. They are usually lying and have ulterior motives.
I agree. Sadly, I often fall into both giving and receiving in the first category. I really do not mean anything by it - and if called out by the receipient - will be clear that I meant no harm. When on the other end (in category 1), I often chuckly. I think you can often tell which of the motives accompany the comment and react accordingly. If the second or third - I usually ignore or give them a snarky response (sinking just as low, I know).
I have a co-worker at my company who I only see in-person about twice a year. The last 3 times she saw me, she said something along the lines of "You look great! Wow, you lost a ton of weight!"
First, I've never been fat (even when I've called myself fat for not being a size 4 anymore). I've never lost (or gained) more that 5-10 lbs. I've been the same size for years. How on earth could I have lost a "ton" of weight? I've known people who really were obese, who did lose a lot of weight, but I'd still never say "you lost a ton of weight." That implies they had a "ton" to lose.
She doesn't seem to be a mean-spirited person, and as far as I know, she has nothing against me. She's average weight herself, maybe a little heavier than me. I asked a few people, and she doesn't say this as a "stock" compliment to people in general. I have no idea what this means. All I can think of is that since we mostly communicate via e-mail, she must have been picturing me as someone else.
I have a co-worker at my company who I only see in-person about twice a year. The last 3 times she saw me, she said something along the lines of "You look great! Wow, you lost a ton of weight!"
First, I've never been fat (even when I've called myself fat for not being a size 4 anymore). I've never lost (or gained) more that 5-10 lbs. I've been the same size for years. How on earth could I have lost a "ton" of weight? I've known people who really were obese, who did lose a lot of weight, but I'd still never say "you lost a ton of weight." That implies they had a "ton" to lose.
She doesn't seem to be a mean-spirited person, and as far as I know, she has nothing against me. She's average weight herself, maybe a little heavier than me. I asked a few people, and she doesn't say this as a "stock" compliment to people in general. I have no idea what this means. All I can think of is that since we mostly communicate via e-mail, she must have been picturing me as someone else.
That's exactly it. The woman who made the "it took YEARS off you" remark was implying that I looked old before. There's no other way to take such a remark! And I know I didn't look old--people are usually surprised if they learn my age.
In retrospect, the woman who said this is the person who is taking the job of the woman who was retiring. The retirement woman was very popular, and there was a nice turnout of people all giving her attention, so I'm thinking maybe the snarky-remark woman was feeling a little insecure about stepping into the place of someone who her new coworkers all obviously love and how they would receive her. I don't work in that office, so I was an easy target to relieve her discomfort.
I think you're taking those compliments the wrong way.
Back in high school I remember this kid who was notorious for putting his foot in his mouth told this girl that he was surprised she "cleaned up so nicely" for prom. Now that could be taken a backhanded compliment, and it was. Of course the guy apologized because he genuinely didn't mean it in a mean way, and had no idea how insulting his comment was.
Anyway, if I were you, I'd take those compliments as friendly suggestions. You can look super amazing sometimes apparently, why not strive to make those looks your regular look?
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