Compliments that aren't really compliments (feelings, passive, issues, weight)
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I went to a retirement party last night. I hadn't seen most of the people who were in attendance in four years or so.
One woman who I barely know came up to me and said, "I love your hair that length. It takes YEARS off of you." My immediate secret response was, "Die, b*tch."
I had a friend once who did this all the time. "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you." Or another time, as I walked up her front steps and she saw me, "Oh! I didn't know it was you--you look so nice." Ditched that "friend" long ago, for various reasons.
Does anyone else here ever get these types of backhanded insults? What makes people think it's OK to say such things to others? Do they think we are really so stupid that we think they are being nice?
I think it is a learned art by selfish, self-centered people. My mil was an expert. I recently discovered she had passed her skills down to her daughter, my sil. I take these little jabs as a compliment. Saves time from wiping up the bleeding from the pin, needles and knives they try to stick in you. I think they get some kind of sick joy from putting others down. Just say, "Thank you" and watch the smile leave their face.
Just think, If they didn't think you were better than they are they wouldn't try to irritate you. Yes, in their own sick way they really have paid you a compliment.
My mil didn't just do me that way she did others the same way. Once her daughter's college roommate came home with her and we were all sitting before a beautiful table of food that had been expertly prepared. I didn't know what she had done to this girl to upset her but the roommate was evidently doing a payback. She had her plate full of this wonderful food and said to my mil, "The tomatoes are really good." LOL. The tomatoes were just sliced tomatoes.
The best offhanded compliment was six months ago from a woman that hadn't seen me in a bit. I had lost some weight but always have had skinny legs. Her compliment:
"Wow, you really lost some weight. You still have the stomach but your legs look really skinny."
Then she proceeded to check me out for 5 minutes or so looking at my legs.
The non compliment that made me the maddest was directed at my son when he was about two.
We lived in central Texas and my poor little boy was having a very hard time with all the new pollens and allergens in the air. Consequently, he had a runny nose. I kept kleenexes with me constantly but it was an ongoing problem. He was under a doctor's care for this, by the way, and eventually we did get this taken care of. A friend of mine (who knew I'd been working with the doctor about my son's allergies) came over and my little boy ran up to her, wanting to give her a hug because he was so happy to see her, and she said, "Oh, _____, come give me a kiss - this is the first time I've ever seen you with a clean nose!"
Note to self - get rid of this "friend." I did so, as quickly as possible.
The clueless: these are not snide remarks, these people say how they really feel about you without noticing it. This is their thought process "that haircut looks cute" I'm gonna compliment her because I think my opinion would make her happy. "Oh she's older, she will love to hear she looks younger" All women love to hear they look younger.
The Negative These people are incapable for saying something nice without pointing out a negative aspect. They don't compliment very often because they don't feel comfortable so they suck when they do it. They would say things like "You look great with that dress unlike those ugly clothes you like to wear"(translations: you look good now but you have poor taste). "You are so pretty but you can't see it because you have self esteem issues". (Translation you have a pretty body but your are a messed up person). These people are the most sincere of the three groups.
The Haters: These individuals just hate the world and will throw a compliment sandwich to please their own ego "Hahaha, She thinks I was being nice but I really told her she sucks". "I'm outsmarting her" These people hate you and don't like anything related to you, including that thing they are complimenting you on. They are usually lying and have ulterior motives.
Well said. I think I fall into the clueless category myself.
I went to a retirement party last night. I hadn't seen most of the people who were in attendance in four years or so.
One woman who I barely know came up to me and said, "I love your hair that length. It takes YEARS off of you." My immediate secret response was, "Die, b*tch."
I had a friend once who did this all the time. "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you." Or another time, as I walked up her front steps and she saw me, "Oh! I didn't know it was you--you look so nice." Ditched that "friend" long ago, for various reasons.
Does anyone else here ever get these types of backhanded insults? What makes people think it's OK to say such things to others? Do they think we are really so stupid that we think they are being nice?
Could some of these been taken the wrong way? The bride thing and the I didn't know it was you thing, can it be seen as "I didn't recongnize you at first because or your new hairstyle/haircolor/makeup. You look great!"
Maybe it just came out wrong, but perhaps you truly look different (not better) and they are saying 'thumbs up! you have good taste (as usual)
A true backhanded insult- I got from a neighbor once. He said 'You're Dad is a great guy. Too bad none of his daughters took after him." Now that's intentional.
Not sure how the people in your life meant it, but hope this helps you in the future.
Could some of these been taken the wrong way? The bride thing and the I didn't know it was you thing, can it be seen as "I didn't recongnize you at first because or your new hairstyle/haircolor/makeup. You look great!"
Maybe it just came out wrong, but perhaps you truly look different (not better) and they are saying 'thumbs up! you have good taste (as usual)
A true backhanded insult- I got from a neighbor once. He said 'You're Dad is a great guy. Too bad none of his daughters took after him." Now that's intentional.
Not sure how the people in your life meant it, but hope this helps you in the future.
Note that the woman who said the bride thing was one of my bridesmaids. She was actually in the same room when my hair and makeup were being done, lol. She was just a b*tch, no two ways about it. At the time, the friendship worked because our husbands were friends, we lived in the same complex, and our kids were about the same age. There's no way "You looked beautiful--I couldn't believe it was YOU" was meant as something genuinely nice.
Then again, he wasn't really her husband. They had two kids and owned a house together, but he never married her. Maybe that was the problem, eh?
I remember bringing that one into work to share with my coworkers. We all had a good laugh.
I guess I'm just clueless. The so-called backhanded comments would not have offended me. I would have assumed the person meant well and moved on. The bride comment wouldn't have offended me either. Most women put some amount of care into their daily appearance. They do something different with their hair, nails, makeup, dress, cover tattoos, etc., to look extra special for their wedding day. I would expect most brides look better than their norm.
I generally give people the benefit of the doubt unless they show themselves to be jerks in other ways. I'm a big believer in actions speak louder than words. It's gotten to where people get so offended over anything and everything whether intentional or not. It's unpleasant. I don't think life is meant to be one big cat fight. For some women, that seems to be the only life they live.
It happens sometimes. Nobody's above a brain fart. Usually though, when this happens, you can tell from the reactions of both parties that the complimenter knows that s/he screwed up. Once when I was about 21, a man mentioned that he and his wife (who also worked in the office) were celebrating their 40th anniversary. Now, at 21, I couldn't imagine being 40 years OLD, much less being married for that long. So, stupid me said, "I can't imagine being that old!" Oops. That is not at all what I meant. I realized what came out of my mouth, but the horse had already left the barn, so to speak.
With some people, I truly think it's unintentional and that something just disengages between their brain and their mouth. They feel that they just have to fill the silence with something, and it often turns out awkward. Like "Great cake. Did you make it yourself?" "Are those nails fake?", or any number of things that just don't come out right. With others, they know exactly what they are saying, and it's intentionally catty. You have to just consider the source.
I went to a retirement party last night. I hadn't seen most of the people who were in attendance in four years or so.
One woman who I barely know came up to me and said, "I love your hair that length. It takes YEARS off of you." My immediate secret response was, "Die, b*tch."
I had a friend once who did this all the time. "You made such a beautiful bride. I couldn't believe it was you." Or another time, as I walked up her front steps and she saw me, "Oh! I didn't know it was you--you look so nice." Ditched that "friend" long ago, for various reasons.
Does anyone else here ever get these types of backhanded insults? What makes people think it's OK to say such things to others? Do they think we are really so stupid that we think they are being nice?
Yes. I've had "you're pretty for a black/dark skin girl" a lot. Typically those types of people are harboring some deep seating insecurities. I've found that a dead serious, what do you mean by that? Is a good way to get back at those people.
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She was actually in the same room when my hair and makeup were being done, lol. She was just a b*tch, no two ways about it. At the time, the friendship worked because our husbands were friends, we lived in the same complex, and our kids were about the same age. There's no way "You looked beautiful--I couldn't believe it was YOU" was meant as something genuinely nice.
