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My wife is a Christian so she took me to see the paster before we married. The paster did give an education about how marriage is and this and that, not as elaborate as holding hands to act out how we deal with holidays, but I remember there was similar message. But my wife was a different person back then.
Some of our common work colleagues (we met at work place) had later wondered to me why I would marry her, because in their experience my wife was very demanding and hard to get along with. But at the time I did not feel that. I'll tell ya, my wife was like a cheerful little poodle to me during the 8 years we knew each other and 4 years we dated before getting married. Now she's like a full grown German shepherd.
Probably another topic for another day in the Psychology forum.
Does your wife know you have been thinking of her as a kind of dog for the last 12 years?
Apparently you didn't even read the post to which you responded above. Compromise? He stated that for 20 years they have resolved their issues by him yielding to her! So how is it you turn this around and say he needs to learn to compromise? Your post is jaw-dropping in its wrong-headedness.
News flash! It's the person who always get her way who needs to learn how to compromise.
News flash he did not say he was compromising. He said he was giving in. That's not the same thing.
He's already said he's accommodated her differences by yielding to her on pretty much everything. That's more than compromise. For there to be a compromise she'd have to bend a little to. It also sounds like he understands everything is not about him, because everything is about his wife and what she wants.
She seems to be saying to him "do everything my way and like it" and his response has been "I'll do everything your way but I won't like it" and now the expectation is that if he doesn't agree to like it he is not showing a willingness to compromise.
Arguing with women is brutal, I tell ya.
He's not compromising. He's yielding....giving in. There's a difference. According to him, he doesn't see value in many things that others do. Giving in to a child going to their friend's birthday party is not a compromise. Going on vacation to Hawaii isn't a compromise. He's getting on that plane. he's probably a miserable tool the whole trip.
I'm facepalming that the OP chose to see a marriage counselor in the first place. Especially considering how he's being treated: always giving in, neglecting his own wishes out of fear, etc. Marriage counselors almost always take the wife's side, anyway. So if anything, seeing one will make things even worse for him. But his life, his choice. <shrug>
Edited to add:
I read over the thread most closely. There are things I agree with the OP's wife on; he comes off as too much of a homebody. Even so, I stand by my opinion: marriage counselors take the wife's side. And the OP should have known that.
This has not been my experience. And certainly wasn't my mother's experience. What's the phone number of these marriage counselors who automatically favor the wife? We should start a list on this forum for folks!
That sounds like a cheap blow-off on the counselor's part. Any uneducated idiot off the street can tell two people to "speak to each other" and demand compliance. No psychology degree is needed for that. The OP and his wife paid the counselor a lot of money for their wisdom and knowledge. The counselors either refused to provide it or didn't have it to begin with.
Counseling doesn't take 45 minutes to fix a couple's problems. Their problems took far longer than 45 minutes to manifest especially for a couple who have been married for 20 years.
There's a difference between speaking at each other is probably what they do at home and speaking to each other which is what most counselors want. The counselor isn't their to play judge or referee. They're there to guide the couple. The couple needs to do the work. The counselor can't do it for them.
But when you decide to have a family (i.e. kids), that's what you do. You do what is best for them. That is your job - to raise them to be happy, well-adjusted adults. Honestly, these things ARE what's best for your kids. It's not about you. Do you want your kids to remember you as the grumpy guy who never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with them? Or do you want you kids to grow up with fond memories of their dad, birthday parties, vacations, etc.? If you are not paying $2000 for the party, what do you care? How can you consider things a "waste of time and energy" if they are making your kids feel loved and happy, which will help them be productive and happy adults? I just can't wrap my head around that.
I do a lot of things with my kids. We play ball in the park, we go to the beach, go fishing and boating; we hike in the coastal hills, every year I take the whole family to one overseas destination; we have been to Hong Kong, Beijing, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, etc. I'm not afraid of spending money; I just think there are wiser ways to spend money and get more out of it.
When we go to Hawaii, we spend half the time in the resort's water park. To me that's very unwise way to spend the money and the precious time there.
My wife is a Christian so she took me to see the paster before we married. The paster did give an education about how marriage is and this and that, not as elaborate as holding hands to act out how we deal with holidays, but I remember there was similar message. But my wife was a different person back then.
Some of our common work colleagues (we met at work place) had later wondered to me why I would marry her, because in their experience my wife was very demanding and hard to get along with. But at the time I did not feel that. I'll tell ya, my wife was like a cheerful little poodle to me during the 8 years we knew each other and 4 years we dated before getting married. Now she's like a full grown German shepherd.
Probably another topic for another day in the Psychology forum.
Yes, she has changed over time. So have you. Everyone changes over time. Add in marriage, children, work, family demands, sports, children's activities, yes people change. Life is constantly changing.
He's not compromising. He's yielding....giving in. There's a difference. According to him, he doesn't see value in many things that others do. Giving in to a child going to their friend's birthday party is not a compromise. Going on vacation to Hawaii isn't a compromise. He's getting on that plane. he's probably a miserable tool the whole trip.
Exactly, and it's probably why his wife suggested counseling in the first place. She can see that he's not engaged, he's not happy, he's not communicating--she's probably worried about the state of the union, so what's to be done?
I do a lot of things with my kids. We play ball in the park, we go to the beach, go fishing and boating; we hike in the coastal hills, every year I take the whole family to one overseas destination; we have been to Hong Kong, Beijing, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, etc. I'm not afraid of spending money; I just think there are wiser ways to spend money and get more out of it.
When we go to Hawaii, we spend half the time in the resort's water park. To me that's very unwise way to spend the money and the precious time there.
You have CHILDREN!!!! Of course they want to spend time at a water park! You need to loosen up. Seriously. LIGHTEN UP. Your children are only going to be children for a few years. Once they become teenagers, forget it. Family vacations will change. Once they graduate high school, they're be out of your lives for the most part. When they're at college, they won't be thinking about dad every day. They'll be busy living life. You should really learn to treasure the moments you have with them NOW. You may not have that chance tomorrow.
Exactly, and it's probably why his wife suggested counseling in the first place. She can see that he's not engaged, he's not happy, he's not communicating--what's to be done?
He has said several times that it was her idea to go to counseling. When one party wants to go to counseling, they feel that their marriage is in trouble. I see many issues in this marriage. And it's not all about his wife. He has many issues with her, his children, money, birthdays, money, vacations, money, etc. Who begrudges a child's birthday party?
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that the OP chose to see a marriage counselor in the first place. Especially considering how he's being treated: always giving in, neglecting his own wishes out of fear, etc. Marriage counselors almost always take the wife's side, anyway. So if anything, seeing one will make things even worse for him. But his life, his choice. <shrug>
