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I was having dinner. One person who helps a relative of mine came by with a big plate of high-fat food that I didn’t like anyway. She put it in front of me, told me that she made it for me and that I had to eat it, right then and there. I took a bit and told her that I wanted to save some for other family members and she got mad.
Why am I the rude one?
If you bring a bottle of wine to a party, it’s rude to expect the host to serve it then. Same for any food.
No, you're not rude. The relative was rude to assume you wanted their food and they were rude for the way in which they handled the situation.
I don't expect wine to be served if I bring it. I don't drink so I don't care what one does with a bottle of wine I give them just don't demand I drink it because I won't.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,730,129 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leastprime
Never, ever, refuse gratis food. {gratis = offer without expectations in return.}
Not "polite" to refuse offered food.
If I witness a person refuse food, my opinion drops a couple of notches of that person.
Second, biggest insult: "What is It?"
YFMV
I take it you have no one in your life who is:
- diabetic (no deserts)
- Muslim (no pork)
- Jewish or Old Testament Christian (no shellfish)
- sensitive to dairy (no or very limited amount of cheese and/or milk) (this is my own limitation)
- vegan or vegetarian (not always by choice, friend who had a baby was forced to go this route for intolerance to meat)
- insert your food allergy here
Otherwise, you would be well aware that it is perfectly legit to decline offered food for reasons that don’t have a thing to do with the chef.
My own mother would do that to me. After family holiday meals she'd slam a slice of sugar-laden pie or cake in front of me and loudly demand "just taste it!"... and "you're being rude to the hostess".
I'm diabetic. I won't eat pie, especially after I've politely eaten the hostesses stuffing, peas and potatoes, which all turns into sugar in the body.
Guess who the family supports when the fight breaks out? They support mother, not me. Every year, same dreaded thing.
I am so over this garbage. No means no. Never attempt to force me to eat something I say no to. I will not submit.
Difficult to believe your own mother doesn't know or believe you're diabetic.
Yup. I understand fully. I was there for mom in her final years too. She had her nice moments ( I know her mother was cold and distant.)
Like you, sometimes I think I've forgiven her, but then something springs up to tell me I need more work in that department. I guess that's normal though, like a never-ending process. Forgiveness ain't easy, but it's something we need to strive for anyway.
The alcohol flowed in my home while growing up too. That's also a huge issue today. It was another "elephant in the living room" that all family members ignored. I was the bad seed for even whispering that bit of truth.
I was fortunate that my mom mellowed a bit with age and terminal illness. Fortunately my parents were teetotalers so that wasn't an issue. I can only imagine...
I used to follow an LCSW/MSW on WordPress years ago. She's abandoned her blog but there is still a lot of really good information there. She did a post about scapegoats being very careful not to be a truthteller, or the truthteller. Usually it only aggravates things. https://www.kellevision.com/kellevis...the-truth.html
Anyway, I've drifted off the thread topic, apologies to the OP. Although, I can see where telling the truth about food forcing would be problematic in an already dysfunctional situation. Or pressing the issue (resisting).
I’ve only had that happen once with a friend who it turns out was having a schizophrenic delusion that I was starving myself and she must force me to eat. She had stopped her meds and at the time I didn’t know she had schizophrenia so I had no idea what was happening. I took her food, thanked her and said I’d save it for later.
I’m not sure you give off a vibe that allows others to overstep your boundaries or lack thereof but taking a bit was your first mistake, the second was stating you’ll give it to others ( which may have felt insulting to the food giver). A simple no thankyou, it looks delish and it was thoughtful but your appetite is not up to it and you will save it for later should suffice. It doesn’t sound like you have social skills and your reaction just makes it worse. If it were me I would have said it looked great and what a nice thing to do but it’s a shame she hadn’t asked as I’m under doctor ordered dietary restrictions.
Difficult to believe your own mother doesn't know or believe you're diabetic.
That's part of the power trip and gaslighting. "oh, it's not that bad, have a dish or a bowl or a serving." Etc. I know it's difficult to believe, but it happens.
That's part of the power trip and gaslighting. "oh, it's not that bad, have a dish or a bowl or a serving." Etc. I know it's difficult to believe, but it happens.
If you look back in history, some of the offering of food was MUCH more a big deal. Even today, some cultures take hosting a meal to a stranger very seriously.
How to put this gently... Those who were poor and lived on the largess of those who would lop off heads for any sign of disrespect survived by obeisance. When a stranger arrived, there was a good chance that person had important connections. The choices were to lay out a feast, or suffer the wrath of someone later. It also made sense to offer the best at hand in a common meal where you got to eat some of it, if you knew the alternative was going to be your chicken or goat be taken by force.
Entire rituals developed over time, usually with some varying religious significance, and refusing food took on a whole negative connotation. Sometimes that didn't work out too well. The Buddha was offered food that was dodgy, and he died from eating it. The reclining pose seen in some statues is the pose where he was most comfortable while dying.
There is also something psychologically interesting about people reaching for historical anecdotes to justify some sort of present day behavior, as though it's fine because of tradition... But maybe this is very American of me but I wasn't raised with any kind of traditions being so important that they were presented as inarguable absolutes. No religion, no roots, no stories of generations of family doing anything one very particular way or a sense that it held any kind of sacred gravity. I was very much allowed to believe as I pleased and make it all up as I went.
I also found it peculiar that my Mom would trot out the "starving children in Ethiopia" as an argument as to why I should force myself to eat all of the food on my plate. Like, I always thought, if this food goes into my stomach versus into the trash, will it change the circumstances of any poor or starving person anywhere else in the world? The fact that some experience scarcity does not mean, in my opinion, that I need to behave as though I personally cannot know if I'll ever get another meal. None of the food choices of our households will meaningfully have any impact at all on the lives of anyone on the other side of the world. And there is no need for me to behave as though I might at any moment experience famine. I live in the real world that is in front of me. Not stories out of history, and not a completely different culture and situation in a faraway land.
So the reality before me, is that I'm here in America...there is no NEED for me to force unwanted food into my stomach, it will only make me fatter which isn't good, I have access to abundant choices and none of these "well if you lived hundreds of years ago...or in another culture/country/situation..." stuff has any bearing on whether it is rude or polite to eat or not eat anything. And I'd even say, generally, that the diverse composition of America's population and the structure politically of what we're trying to do here, if anything, lends itself to more "live and let live" and less "my way or the highway" pushy behavior, in my opinion, along the vein of people doing whatever is somehow culturally expedient.
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