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Another example of a strange, food-related Momzilla. Does your mom know you're diabetic or is she in denial of that fact? Or does she simply not care if her demands could make you ill? If she's in denial or doesn't care, the question is: why? What's wrong with her? This sounds like a personality disorder.
I have a theory, that behind some men who have issues relating to women, i.e. potential partners, there's an overbearing mother. Not saying that describes your situation, Java, because I know nothing about you, but it's something I've observed on my path through life.
Definite Personality Disorder that the entire family treats like the proverbial elephant in the living room... for decade after decade. Yes, mom knew about the diabetes. So did everyone in the family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Oh, I don't think you are truly over it. Because you keep returning time after time.
I would never show up at an annual event I know will end in a fight. Who would? That seems insane.
I don't think we ever get over stuff like this.
However, I have not attended a family holiday meal in years, including Christmas. I refuse to submit myself to such disrespect. Mom passed on years ago. The "family" can go straight to ***.
I find it very interesting just from a "how humans behave and why" framework, how food is so connected to our whole psychology and cultural upbringing...it's never really just about food, is it? And it really illustrates not only those things on the levels of individuals, but where they stand on the scale from "live and let live" to "my way is right and other people are wrong" too.
@otterhere, about the relative who would fill up before a gathering... I kind of do this, but not to the extent of eating a LOT. I "pre game" just enough so that I won't be starving if I end up at someone's house and there's nothing there that I can eat, but I don't stuff myself to the gills, and that way if there's something I would like to eat then I can.
And I've never had a host get upset with me if I said, "I am so sorry, but I had a big lunch earlier and it is just sitting in my belly like a rock, I can't eat much right now, but this food looks incredible - how did you get X to come out like Y? Where did you get the recipe for Z?" I just frame it as an earlier meal either not digesting quite comfortably or maybe a work lunch (if it's later in a weekday) where I ate more than I should have. But I find if I am very polite and turn it around to focus on being complimentary of their efforts, this whole thing tends to go over just fine.
Fact is...sometimes it is a total fabrication on my part. But I am no stranger to using a bit of polite and harmless dishonesty to keep the energy groovy in a room with other people. I'm not obsessively married to the concept of absolute truth at all times. /shrug Main thing is...my restrictive diet is my problem, it's no one else's.
But someone who behaved in such a pushy way as to shove a plate of food in front of me and demand I eat it? Well, to me that really sounds like a person with no concept of boundaries whatsoever and I don't see myself wanting to continue to associate with them.
I actually love to host gatherings of friends, myself, or organize parties and events which often include food. But my thing is that either I'm inviting a small group to a dinner and I've told them what I'm making and collaborated to make sure everyone's dietary needs are considered...or I'm making it a potluck or buffet style situation where there are plenty of options. And I'm likely to prepare food or ask others to bring dishes that I personally won't eat...but I'm not the only one there!
I dunno, just... As someone who is intensely restrictive about foods (little or no veggies, seafood, condiments, a host of things I won't eat, don't drink alcohol, etc)... I see discussions where people seem really wound up about this stuff online, and you would think that I'd struggle socially and have lots of issues with other people. It sucked a lot when I was a kid, but since becoming an adult, it just really is not a big deal. I haven't encountered a ton of conflict about it, and nothing I couldn't manage.
Oh. You wrote in the present tense. Yes, you're definitely not over it! LOL.
Nope!! LOL.
Sometimes I write in the present tense because it's still with me, just like a body scar. LOL. It's been years, yet it feels like yesterday. Major holidays bring out the beast in me.
Definite Personality Disorder that the entire family treats like the proverbial elephant in the living room... for decade after decade. Yes, mom knew about the diabetes. So did everyone in the family.
I don't think we ever get over stuff like this.
However, I have not attended a family holiday meal in years, including Christmas. I refuse to submit myself to such disrespect. Mom passed on years ago. The "family" can go straight to ***.
Nope. I ain't over nothin'.
My experience is that in every family (mine included) there is one person whom everybody picks on, gaslights and defames. I happen to be that person in the family (origin and extended), thanks to the unfortunate situation with my mother. There are things I've gotten blamed for that were not my fault, there was denial about the severity of my health issues, there have been denials that I had the 30+ year career that I had! and much more. It's mind-blowing and infuriating.
It sounds like you, Javacoffee are that person in your family, and I feel for you. I can say that I know exactly what it feels like.
And you are not required to be over it. Those things stay with us forever. It might feel better at times, but then there are triggers. I refuse to see certain people in my family as a result. It is a shame how ego tears family apart. They care more about their ego than they do love.
I find it very interesting just from a "how humans behave and why" framework, how food is so connected to our whole psychology and cultural upbringing...it's never really just about food, is it? And it really illustrates not only those things on the levels of individuals, but where they stand on the scale from "live and let live" to "my way is right and other people are wrong" too.
<snipped>
If you look back in history, some of the offering of food was MUCH more a big deal. Even today, some cultures take hosting a meal to a stranger very seriously.
How to put this gently... Those who were poor and lived on the largess of those who would lop off heads for any sign of disrespect survived by obeisance. When a stranger arrived, there was a good chance that person had important connections. The choices were to lay out a feast, or suffer the wrath of someone later. It also made sense to offer the best at hand in a common meal where you got to eat some of it, if you knew the alternative was going to be your chicken or goat be taken by force.
Entire rituals developed over time, usually with some varying religious significance, and refusing food took on a whole negative connotation. Sometimes that didn't work out too well. The Buddha was offered food that was dodgy, and he died from eating it. The reclining pose seen in some statues is the pose where he was most comfortable while dying.
My experience is that in every family (mine included) there is one person whom everybody picks on, gaslights and defames. I happen to be that person in the family (origin and extended), thanks to the unfortunate situation with my mother. There are things I've gotten blamed for that were not my fault, there was denial about the severity of my health issues, there have been denials that I had the 30+ year career that I had! and much more. It's mind-blowing and infuriating.
It sounds like you, Javacoffee are that person in your family, and I feel for you. I can say that I know exactly what it feels like.
And you are not required to be over it. Those things stay with us forever. It might feel better at times, but then there are triggers. I refuse to see certain people in my family as a result. It is a shame how ego tears family apart. They care more about their ego than they do love.
Same here.
Maybe people do that to pump themselves up... to feel better about their miserable lives. I don't know. The only way to deal with it is to sever them completely. Had I done it years ago I might not have the major health problems I deal with today.
I could reveal stuff that would blow people's minds. I'd be accused of making **** up. I'll batcha you could too, pathrunner.
I can't help thinking, that overbearing mothers seem to be a cultural thing, in part. They seem somewhat prevalent in American society. I'm curious about your perspective; are you aware of pushy, or emotionally-abusive mothers where you come from? Other than a rare, fringe phenomenon? Maybe personality disorders in general are more prevalent here, IDK.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I've only ever seen this on TV or in apocryphal stories on C-D.
Oh, it happens all the time. When I was growing up, I was aware of a few mothers in my church who were driving their daughters crazy. They were the snippy, side-eyeing ones who believed my mother when she told them I was a "bad seed." Which was also told to my face. I've often wondered if those daughters have forgiven their mothers. I can say that I now understand my mother, and I took on the monumental task of being there for her in her final years, but forgiveness is a fluctuating thing. What I usually do when triggered is think of the fun times we had, and the nice things she did for me. She wasn't all bad. But some mothers are.
It's not just on TV or on C-D. Not by a long shot. A lot of people simply don't talk about it.
I do know that my mother was forced to eat things she didn't like by her own mother. Probably why she tried to do it with me. She never tried again after I didn't eat at 8pm.
Oh, it happens all the time. When I was growing up, I was aware of a few mothers in my church who were driving their daughters crazy. They were the snippy, side-eyeing ones who believed my mother when she told them I was a "bad seed." Which was also told to my face. I've often wondered if those daughters have forgiven their mothers. I can say that I now understand my mother, and I took on the monumental task of being there for her in her final years, but forgiveness is a fluctuating thing. What I usually do when triggered is think of the fun times we had, and the nice things she did for me. She wasn't all bad. But some mothers are.
It's not just on TV or on C-D. Not by a long shot. A lot of people simply don't talk about it.
I do know that my mother was forced to eat things she didn't like by her own mother. Probably why she tried to do it with me. She never tried again after I didn't eat at 8pm.
Yup. I understand fully. I was there for mom in her final years too. She had her nice moments ( I know her mother was cold and distant.)
Like you, sometimes I think I've forgiven her, but then something springs up to tell me I need more work in that department. I guess that's normal though, like a never-ending process. Forgiveness ain't easy, but it's something we need to strive for anyway.
The alcohol flowed in my home while growing up too. That's also a huge issue today. It was another "elephant in the living room" that all family members ignored. I was the bad seed for even whispering that bit of truth.
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LOL.
