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Some things can be reconciled, but ugh. Sometimes, someone's domestic behaviours are what amounts to your incompatability.
I’m also of the opinion that seemingly small daily irritants piling up grate on your nerves a lot more than other incompatible views in areas affecting daily routine less.
I remember reading a book about 3 areas of compatibility – practical, sexual, and intellectual/emotional. The author was saying that being compatible in all 3 areas is pretty rare, so most people can hope to be compatible at least in 2. Even though it’s very difficult for a relationship to survive if the partners are compatible only in 1 area, I believe the author's opinion was that spouses being compatible only on practical level usually make it out of all marriages of this type (1 area of compatibility). I’m inclined to believe that. After all, you don’t discuss religion, politics, etc. potentially loaded topics every day and they don’t usually have such a huge impact on your life together, whereas the pans in the sink drive you nuts every friggin’ day!
Virtually no couples do not practice premarital sex, most live together before marriage as well, and we have the highest divorce rates.
Why?
Because we live in a me me me now now now, if things aren't always perfect then I'm gone, society. If there are any problems in a marriage, more typically than the guy, the woman will flee if things aren't perfect. It comes from unrealistic expectations and entitlement mentalities.
I definitely hear you there, on the one hand. Especially in their early-to-mid 20's, a lot of people (women especially, and in my experience, women who live in urban areas even moreso) are of the mindset that if a persom isn't 100% perfect by their list, he can be okay for now but ultimately will be left to the curb, and then a party in Vegas with girlfriends to "get over him" will ensue.
I'm 26 now, and over the last two years, I have had five exes and two friends whom I never dated who didn't consider me as a partner in my early 20's because I was "too nice" give me the whole, "well, maybe if neither of us are married by the time that we're 30..." spiel. Peoples' priorities change, and they realize that what they thought were maddening deal-breaker behaviours suddenly don't seem all that bad. The more that a person dates "their Mr./Ms. Right" and then discover their grievances with them, the more they realize they need to be more open minded.
And I, for one, would rather that happen before I marry her.
I think that most people do try to work through the problems in their marriage, they just a) don't know how, and b) don't fully grasp what constitutes a legit, irreconciliable problem, and what constitutes a minor personality conflict that would be recitified with dialogue and patience. These are things that many people won't discover until they've been around the block (trial and error).
Great post Denny. Some of these posters just don't know how to think outside the box they insist on living in.
It's not that they can't think outside the box (a phrase I detest BTW). It's that they're quick to pass judgment. Someone's marriage fails and there's no shortage of people ready to pile on saying it was their fault. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But you almost get the impression that some of these people love being able to point out someone else's mistakes. I see this attitude a lot on the employment forum. Someone's unemployed and can't find a job and it isn't long before someone else chimes in saying it's their fault.
Quote:
Originally Posted by betamanlet
Yes, because nobody has ever believed in the history of the world before this moment that many women are into drama, and drama can be found in relationships Gee, maybe I should write a book about this newfound discovery.
The issue isn't whether women are into drama or whether it's something new. The issue is the way you seem to generalize about women. You've talked about how the women you meet are all drawn to bad boys, how they all like drama, how they all want tall men, etc. Yes there are women who are like this, but there are also women who aren't, something you don't seem to allow much room for. I try to avoid generalizing about half the population like that. I find it makes me biased against them which in turn makes it harder to keep an open mind and give people a chance to prove that they're different. What you're doing is no different than the women who complain that all men want someone young and thin, that all men are threatened by a strong, successful woman, and that all men are incapable of remaining faithful. You find enough bad apples, it's easy to think the whole barrel is bad. But then you'd never notice the one or two good ones buried in the middle.
I’m also of the opinion that seemingly small daily irritants piling up grate on your nerves a lot more than other incompatible views in areas affecting daily routine less.
I remember reading a book about 3 areas of compatibility – practical, sexual, and intellectual/emotional. The author was saying that being compatible in all 3 areas is pretty rare, so most people can hope to be compatible at least in 2. Even though it’s very difficult for a relationship to survive if the partners are compatible only in 1 area, I believe the author's opinion was that spouses being compatible only on practical level usually make it out of all marriages of this type (1 area of compatibility). I’m inclined to believe that. After all, you don’t discuss religion, politics, etc. potentially loaded topics every day and they don’t usually have such a huge impact on your life together, whereas the pans in the sink drive you nuts every friggin’ day!
Hi sierraAZ,
That seems like an argument that appeals to hierarchy of needs. Day to day living is a more essential element. Sex is certainly more important than politics since good debating doesn't bring the madness to another generation. That is one reason I lampoon some of the ideas about what really make relationships work. They act like its all about intellectual compatibility. Some women in this forum have even stated that "I hope you wife likes <some outrageous and offensive philosophical idea>". I often tell my wife, and truth be told, she does not give a crap about it. She even chuckles at how I irritating I must have been. What do we fight over? Something I did not put away, or when I get on her case, because she bought two pounds of green beans when we have the same hanging off the vines.
In my opinion, if we met in person, we would probably not get along at all. Not because of the berry stains on this rag, but because you smoke like a trucker, and I eat too many damn beans. We would never make it past the fire marshal.
What do you guys think about single mothers and dating.
Day late and a dollar short, I know... but those that know me know that's how I am.
The best input I can give on this is that I think it depends on two things. First, your age. Secondly, who you are.
What I mean by your age is that if you are younger, there may be guys that aren't ready to start a family yet, so that may be a hinderance. But, then again, there may be guys who don't mind. My experience (at 45) is that the older you get, the less it becomes a factor (to an extent).
By "who you are" I am referring to who you are as a person and what your life is like. Some men will be attracted and some won't.
I married my current wife and she had a daughter from a previous relationship. But, I was older as was she (we got married 5 years ago, and she'd kill me to put her age.. but it's a few younger than me). My step-daughter (who I really call my daughter) is now 13.
Men are going to be jerks - some will run when you tell them that. Others will be understanding, and it won't bother them. The most important thing right now is you do what's right and take care of your daughter yourself. When the right guy comes along, you will both know it.
I'm 26 now, and over the last two years, I have had five exes and two friends whom I never dated who didn't consider me as a partner in my early 20's because I was "too nice" give me the whole, "well, maybe if neither of us are married by the time that we're 30..." spiel. Peoples' priorities change, and they realize that what they thought were maddening deal-breaker behaviours suddenly don't seem all that bad. The more that a person dates "their Mr./Ms. Right" and then discover their grievances with them, the more they realize they need to be more open minded.
What you're describing is something many of us experienced in our 20s. We'd meet women who had impossibly high standards that we had no chance of meeting. And there are a lot of men who were just as guilty of this. But like you pointed out, as people get older they realize that a lot of their requirements were just silly. Some will say these people are settling. That's a word that has a lot of negative connotations. When you say someone settled, what you're usually saying is that they compromised too much, perhaps out of desperation when what they should've done was continue having high standards. But to me, settling isn't a bad thing. It all depends on why you're doing it and the extent to which you're doing so.
Would we get along? I'll be honest, I don't agree with much of what you say. But I'll also admit that I find the way you write very humorous and interesting.
I am so sick and tired of all the single mother bashing and the MACHO types who feel it is their right to dictate on how to avoid choosing the wrong partner... damn but this is getting way beyond the point of the OP's discussion point.
However, many of these macho types are fortunate they were not equipped with female plumbing or I am sure we would have a more measured and less discriminatory attitude.....
Single mothers have my support...anyone can choose the wrong partner, or have their partner change over time where incompatibility dictates the separation of their ways, unfortunately kids are the result of the hoped for results in the initial stages of the relationship....and good on those mum's who have stepped forward and taken care of their responsibilities on child raising...keep up the good job.
Y'all aren't doomed, but you have to adjust expectations. You are asking a man to raise another mans kids -- and if you think otherwise you are in denial.
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Gee, maybe I should write a book about this newfound discovery. 
