Single Mothers..Are we doomed (separation, spouses, live together, boys)
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Well I have done plenty of dog training and a curt voice is sometimes what is needed, otherwise the dog is training you and not the other way around.
Same with children and all too often these days the child is the one running the parents. Back in my day if I couldn't behave myself in public, I got sent to the "little house on the prairie daycare center", which while was competent, was not a place you wanted to go to frequently. Hence I wised up quickly because I'd rather go to the rodeo.
So it's nice to have chats with your child, but they also need to understand positive and negative consequences and those consequences need to be allowed to happen.
Sometimes the parents give the child the negative consequence just to avoid confronting the issue.
It takes time and effort to raise a child.
I in no way meant to imply that there are no negative consequences, just that a kid who wants to go out for a meal or to a play date or to some amusement park should be deprived of that if he acts up.
He is not controlling you. You are just taking the time and making the effort to be a good parent, not just batting the kid because it is easy and quick for YOU.
Always, ALWAYS make sure the kid knows WHY what he did was wrong, which helps him to reason it out himself the next time, hopefully he will self-regulate the next time because you always tell him WHY the right thing is the right thing to do.
If a person does not have the time to parent, maybe they should not be a parent.
It really does seem that children are the end-all be-all these days. I've been around adults who have a kid or two tagging along, and the children keep interrupting our conversation. And of course, mom indulges them. I wouldn't have dreamed of interrupting an adult conversation when I was a kid! We had to stand there quietly until acknowledged and given the floor. I think that discipline is a reason why I have always been steadily employed and have excelled - I shudder to think what these kids growing up today will be like. The 20-somethings are already filled with self-entitlement.
Well, you seem to be speaking of an indulgent parent. Certainly kids should not interrupt, but wait their turn as everyone else does. Sometimes they are unsure of just when they should or should not speak. It is a skill of conversation that we understand but they are just learning.
On the other hand, some parents just tell their kid to shut up with the 'seen and not heard' attitude. That stops thought and curiosity and the need for intellectualizing with others. You don't want an unruly kid, but neither do you want a quiet scared and inhibited child. You can have three kids and each is different temperamentally. Some have to be tampered down but you also have to take time out to encourage others. It's not easy.
I too believe that the disciplinarian method is more effective than the pacifist method. I read in an article a few months ago that it has actually very recently been determined that corporal punishment is more effective in disciplining children than time outs, and giving them talking to's, and grounding etc.
Part of the problem in todays society imo is that we are all a little too equal. The tiers and hierarchies of status have been obfuscated to the degree that everyone is considered one in the same. Children are taken as seriously as adults. Little Jimmy's opinion is considered as important as a grown person's. Men are women and women are men. Androgony = equality. Good is the same as bad. Throw your life away and exercise poor decision making skills? No prob..you are exempt from consequences just because you are you. No one makes wrong decisions, rather we are all just wrong for judging them. The social commentary from actors, athletes and entertainers holds the same value as the writings from educated scholars. Yes, athletes, actors and entertainers should be our go to source for perspicaciousness and insight.
These sort of equivocations of good and bad behavior, or equivocation within social status are a little too freely deployed nowdays imo. some people are better than other people. Doing stupid things, making poor decisions, and being a burden to society should disbar a person from being considered one of the better people.
I agree with everything you say, unless the discipline is whacking the kid OR screaming your brains out most of the time. There is nothing wrong with raising your voice ONCE IN A WHILE, but it (like hitting) loses effectiveness quickly and unless you are explaining to the child where/why what he is doing/thinking is wrong he will end up not being able to control himself for the right reasons and may very well go wild when you are not around because he is just afraid of you whacking him and not afraid at all of doing bad things. Hitting a kid is quick and easy. It is usually an adult who knows little about parenting, or doesn't think his kid is worth the extra time and effort. Why have them, then?
You'll also notice that women will have their longest relationships with the ones they think are the biggest jerks, or even abusive ones, because there's more drama involved. "Decent guys" are boring to the average woman.
Who cares, as long as no child will ever come from that relationship.
Years ago there were women you dated and women you married - the Madonna complex - the women you date are for a good time, the woman you marry is for a good life.
Well, women can have a version of that, too. There are guys (often like their overbearing dad) who are exciting to date, but you'd never live with them. The last study of the sort of man women marry that I read said the husband had more mental traits similar to her mother's.
Again, opposites attract, but it's easier to stay with someone who's more like yourself.
Because during the dating phase and even into the first few years of marriage, people have their best foot forward and are on their best behavior. Some even down right decptive. You never really know a person until you have lived with them for awhile. Not only that, but people change over time. After investing years in a marriage and possibly having kids, it is just not so easy to walk out. There are considerations, and usually changes in behavior and personality are gradual so a person will look over little changes until it becomes too big. Its really not that hard to comprehend.
Thank you for posting this. I get so tired of people who say you wouldn't have ended up with the wrong person if you had just done your homework. It's easy to say when you're on the outside looking in, but the fact is that people can and do change over time. You could marry someone today and be 100% confident in who he is. Problem is that who he is today won't be who he is 20 years from now. Yes, there are some red flags people should be able to spot early and yes, too many people overlook these red flags hoping that they'll go away or that they'll be able to fix them. But there are plenty of people out there who've had failed relationships that don't fall into this category. They did their due diligence on the person and were 100% sure the person would never lie or betray them. But life has a way of changing how people think, what their priorities are, how they view others, and relationships in general. The guy at 25 may be 100% faithful to his wife. But at 45, he might be having a mid-life crisis and look over at his 45 year old wife who's put on a little weight, has some wrinkles and some gray in her hair and think to himself, "I should be with a young hottie." At 25 when he took his vows, he had no problem growing old together with his wife. But now that he's seeing it firsthand, he's realized that he can't handle it. Hearing the way some guys on here talk, it's his wife's fault for not predicting that 20 years down the road, he would ditch her for someone younger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by betamanlet
When you hear women say "I know I can change him!" does that come after the threat to her or her family? or could it just possibly be able the drama/challenge he presents that keeps her interest in keeping the relationship going?
I think you cling to this cause it's a convenient excuse. It falls in line nicely with your "women like bad boys" mantra. How true that is irrelevant. It's now just a coping mechanism that many guys come up with.
Thank you for posting this. I get so tired of people who say you wouldn't have ended up with the wrong person if you had just done your homework. It's easy to say when you're on the outside looking in, but the fact is that people can and do change over time. You could marry someone today and be 100% confident in who he is. Problem is that who he is today won't be who he is 20 years from now. Yes, there are some red flags people should be able to spot early and yes, too many people overlook these red flags hoping that they'll go away or that they'll be able to fix them. But there are plenty of people out there who've had failed relationships that don't fall into this category. They did their due diligence on the person and were 100% sure the person would never lie or betray them. But life has a way of changing how people think, what their priorities are, how they view others, and relationships in general. The guy at 25 may be 100% faithful to his wife. But at 45, he might be having a mid-life crisis and look over at his 45 year old wife who's put on a little weight, has some wrinkles and some gray in her hair and think to himself, "I should be with a young hottie." At 25 when he took his vows, he had no problem growing old together with his wife. But now that he's seeing it firsthand, he's realized that he can't handle it. Hearing the way some guys on here talk, it's his wife's fault for not predicting that 20 years down the road, he would ditch her for someone younger.
Great post Denny. Some of these posters just don't know how to think outside the box they insist on living in.
This is why I'm all for premarital sex, living together before marriage, etc. The old adage about how "you wouldn't buy a car you'll have for four years without test driving it; why would you commit to someone for the rest of your life without doing the same?" rings true.
On two occasions, I lived with girlfriends I was head-over-heels with. We moved in, it was neat, then... ker-boom. You discover that they have behaviours and vices that drive you up the wall. One was the slobbiest person I've met in my life, and coming from me, that's saying something. She moved her clothes in, and after they filled my closet, they made a 2-foot tall mound on the floor in front of it. She would cook using 4 or 5 pans for 1 meal (for herself), and wouldn't make any effort to wash any of them, and when I came home from work, I had to wash them to make my own food. She bought crap she didn't need - or even really want - because it was on sale and seemed like a good deal, and after two weeks, there were piles and piles of Macy's bags that had never been emptied near the door. It drove me nuts because while I am cluttered, I'm not a pack rat, and my clothes go into the wash after use and are ironed and hung after they're dry... I come from a military family and you maintain your stuff, you wash your dishes immedeately after use, etc.
Some things can be reconciled, but ugh. Sometimes, someone's domestic behaviours are what amounts to your incompatability.
Who cares, as long as no child will ever come from that relationship.
Years ago there were women you dated and women you married - the Madonna complex - the women you date are for a good time, the woman you marry is for a good life.
Well, women can have a version of that, too. There are guys (often like their overbearing dad) who are exciting to date, but you'd never live with them. The last study of the sort of man women marry that I read said the husband had more mental traits similar to her mother's.
Again, opposites attract, but it's easier to stay with someone who's more like yourself.
So women who like thuggish men, or always wind up with them for "some reason" are thugs themselves.
Thank you for posting this. I get so tired of people who say you wouldn't have ended up with the wrong person if you had just done your homework. It's easy to say when you're on the outside looking in, but the fact is that people can and do change over time. You could marry someone today and be 100% confident in who he is. Problem is that who he is today won't be who he is 20 years from now. Yes, there are some red flags people should be able to spot early and yes, too many people overlook these red flags hoping that they'll go away or that they'll be able to fix them. But there are plenty of people out there who've had failed relationships that don't fall into this category. They did their due diligence on the person and were 100% sure the person would never lie or betray them. But life has a way of changing how people think, what their priorities are, how they view others, and relationships in general. The guy at 25 may be 100% faithful to his wife. But at 45, he might be having a mid-life crisis and look over at his 45 year old wife who's put on a little weight, has some wrinkles and some gray in her hair and think to himself, "I should be with a young hottie." At 25 when he took his vows, he had no problem growing old together with his wife. But now that he's seeing it firsthand, he's realized that he can't handle it. Hearing the way some guys on here talk, it's his wife's fault for not predicting that 20 years down the road, he would ditch her for someone younger.
I think you cling to this cause it's a convenient excuse. It falls in line nicely with your "women like bad boys" mantra. How true that is irrelevant. It's now just a coping mechanism that many guys come up with.
Yes, because nobody has ever believed in the history of the world before this moment that many women are into drama, and drama can be found in relationships Gee, maybe I should write a book about this newfound discovery.
This is why I'm all for premarital sex, living together before marriage, etc. The old adage about how "you wouldn't buy a car you'll have for four years without test driving it; why would you commit to someone for the rest of your life without doing the same?" rings true.
On two occasions, I lived with girlfriends I was head-over-heels with. We moved in, it was neat, then... ker-boom. You discover that they have behaviours and vices that drive you up the wall. One was the slobbiest person I've met in my life, and coming from me, that's saying something. She moved her clothes in, and after they filled my closet, they made a 2-foot tall mound on the floor in front of it. She would cook using 4 or 5 pans for 1 meal (for herself), and wouldn't make any effort to wash any of them, and when I came home from work, I had to wash them to make my own food. She bought crap she didn't need - or even really want - because it was on sale and seemed like a good deal, and after two weeks, there were piles and piles of Macy's bags that had never been emptied near the door. It drove me nuts because while I am cluttered, I'm not a pack rat, and my clothes go into the wash after use and are ironed and hung after they're dry... I come from a military family and you maintain your stuff, you wash your dishes immedeately after use, etc.
Some things can be reconciled, but ugh. Sometimes, someone's domestic behaviours are what amounts to your incompatability.
Virtually no couples do not practice premarital sex, most live together before marriage as well, and we have the highest divorce rates.
Why?
Because we live in a me me me now now now, if things aren't always perfect then I'm gone, society. If there are any problems in a marriage, more typically than the guy, the woman will flee if things aren't perfect. It comes from unrealistic expectations and entitlement mentalities.
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Gee, maybe I should write a book about this newfound discovery. 
