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I vote for postponing it, not ending it. It sounds like the OP cares for his fiancee/ex, but they have major problems with communication and teamwork. I'm sure they both have issues, but unfortunately, he can only work on himself. I'm not a big fan of counseling as some magic panacea for life's problems, but the first step to teamwork is to both be facing the same direction, moving in the same direction, not struggling against one another. I think the relationship is salvageable. I also think the younger/prettier thing was poorly stated. It's just a different way of stating what people say here all the time: you don't deserve this.
hello everyone,
the "pretty/younger" statement may have been stated poorly, or taken out of context a bit. Right or wrong, it's a feeling that i have. a feeling that there's something better out there, and that i shouldn't be 'satisfied' with something i currently have, given the flaws and issues i'm having with it. come to think of it, it's not right or wrong....it's wrong.
it's the mentality that many of us have grown to know. It is the reason i want a better car, a lower mortgage rate, and a bigger/nicer house. and i'm the type of person who's constantly looking to get a better deal, a better upgrade. it's not really fair to want to do the same to someone i do love, but it's what's in my head and i'm not sure how to fix that.
i wish i could say that it's only that one thing in my head. it's many many things that complicate things. it's the fact that i feel unhappy overall, but only when we are in a fight. when we are ok, i feel happy and satisfied. it's the fact that i fear how we will be like 5 years from now. i keep picturing her bad attitude when she's upset being the norm in 5 years. granted, that's all in my head and may be completely false and inaccurate. it's the fact that i fear this commitment, because i feel like once married, i'm restricted, even though if i really think about it, nothing major will really change. i will still be doing the things i do now, because my world now revolves around her and the things we do together anyway.
her parents are arriving from out of the country today. they're staying at our house and don't speak a word of english. She kissed me this morning and told me that she will change, and that she will make sure we're happy. she said that she loves me and that she doesn't want me to do this. i asked how she can say that we'll be happy, when we are not right now, and she doesn't know what the future will be? she said that we'll go see someone and that she'll change and please please please.
i feel awefull about this as is, and hate to see her so desperate and obviously scared. it gives me no satisfaction. i think she's saying these things because she not only loves me, but also is very very afraid of the unknown; afraid of having to tell her parents; afraid of having to move and so on and on. Who can blame her. This would change her life completely, but who knows, maybe that will be the best given the circumstances.
i talked to my parents last night. they pretty much echoed what you all have been saying for the most part. that the fact that I can see myself with someone else if this doesn't work out, is proof enough that i don't love her. that going into a marriage with doubts will result in nothing positive, and that it'll result in me constantly wishing or wondering if i made the right decision.
how i feel is beyond words, and you have nothing more to go by but what i tell you and describe. but as i'm sure you all would agree, the relationship and the situation itself is different to some degree and you will never fully understand what it's really like being in our shoes, but i just wanted to thank you all again for caring enough to respond.
Yeah, screw the folks who are like "Feh! You're such a brute for ever having thought about having someone younger/prettier/whatever!" There isn't a hen-pecked male on Earth who hasn't at least daydreamed that something better is out there.
At the risk of playing internet psychologist, this bird sounds positively bi-polar. Seriously.
People are unhappy alone all the time. That may factor into a decision whether to marry at all or not, but it may have nothing to do with the other person.
She kissed me this morning and told me that she will change, and thatshe will make sure we're happy. she said that she loves me and that she doesn't want me to do this. i asked how she can say that we'll be happy, when we are not right now, and she doesn't know what the future will be? she said that we'll go see someone and that she'll change and please please please.
If this is how you feel and your still living there with her telling you everyday how shes going to change, you're living a lie and prolonging the inevitable. If you haven't made plans to move out, you really should...soon.
together for 4.5 years, and live together.
it's 2 weeks before the wedding. we have guests coming from out of country, and the west coast.
i'm thinking of calling it off and breaking up all together. i feel like it's not the right match personality wise, and although we've been together for this long, i just now have realized how difficult my life will be with her if we get married.
i'm at work right now, and can think of nothing but this. i don't know what to do. my head is about to explode.
Sharpie, to think logically you need to put aside the money spent, the deposits made on stuff and the people with plane tickets. If you feel this way, pull the plug now. My sister was in a similar situation but didn't call it off. She called me a week before the wedding with serious doubts and when I said "Get out now" she wailed "But it's so hard! Everything is paid for and everyone is coming." Long story short, silly girl went through with it. The marriage lasted 14 months - none of them pleasant. Save yourself the misery and the divorce lawyer fees later. Listen to your exploding head.
If this is how you feel and your still living there with her telling you everyday how shes going to change, you're living a lie and prolonging the inevitable. If you haven't made plans to move out, you really should...soon.
i wouldn't be moving out. she would. it's my house, halfway paid for.
unfortunately, I remodeled the basement and she's opened a successful home daycare from there too. so there goes not only the place she lives, but also her job.
i wouldn't be moving out. she would. it's my house, halfway paid for.
unfortunately, I remodeled the basement and she's opened a successful home daycare from there too. so there goes not only the place she lives, but also her job.
So even if you break it off, its impossible to make a swift clean break, you really are in a bind. Best Wishes.
i wouldn't be moving out. she would. it's my house, halfway paid for.
unfortunately, I remodeled the basement and she's opened a successful home daycare from there too. so there goes not only the place she lives, but also her job.
So you two are practically as entangled as if you were actually married. Sure is a custerfluck you two have managed to get yourselves into. I wish you the best of luck sorting it all out, but at this point I just don't think I can add anything remotely useful.
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