Less than 2 weeks before wedding and having thoughts of break up (child, American)
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I spoke to my fiance as well as talking to my parents.
She promiesed me to change and to make us happy. i told her that that sounds silly and that she will not change since her personality is already fully developed and that i wouldn't want her to change anyway since it's not really her that's the problem. it's US.
her parents arrived tonight. it made things a million times more complicated.
My parents had two suggestions for me:
1. postpone the wedding until we get counseling
or
2. proceed with the marriage but have a prenuptial and a separate agreement that allows for a clean breakup within a six or twelve month period should you not be able to resolve your problems through counseling; this is given the fact that she seems so sincere to want to better our relationship and sincerely wanting us to work and be together.
choosing option 1 is extremely difficult, and i don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. i know that most of you are leaning towards option 1.
All right, you've done enough pussyfooting around even after you've come to realize what you need to do. Time to put an end to that. Grow a freaking spine and do what you need to do.
I frankly don't know why your fiancee would want to go ahead and marry you, if you've leveled with her about all of this, Sharpie. That does not bode well. If it were me, i'd not want a marriage to someone with doubts. No way. Why does she want this so badly? That's what i can't understand. It's almost as though she's desperate to go through with it, regardless of the truth. Which is that you do not want to get married.
There ya go. Your first problem has already reared its head.
I wouldn't make these assumptions unless you spoke with her directly. God knows the actual conversations that took place between the two.
IF he is being too "nice" in this matter, she might get the impresion he's just "cold feet" and trying to get him to come to his senses in time....
There's a lot of variables other than she is desperate and a problem.
I spoke to my fiance as well as talking to my parents.
She promiesed me to change and to make us happy. i told her that that sounds silly and that she will not change since her personality is already fully developed and that i wouldn't want her to change anyway since it's not really her that's the problem. it's US.
her parents arrived tonight. it made things a million times more complicated.
My parents had two suggestions for me:
1. postpone the wedding until we get counseling
or
2. proceed with the marriage but have a prenuptial and a separate agreement that allows for a clean breakup within a six or twelve month period should you not be able to resolve your problems through counseling; this is given the fact that she seems so sincere to want to better our relationship and sincerely wanting us to work and be together.
choosing option 1 is extremely difficult, and i don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. i know that most of you are leaning towards option 1.
Oh dear. Why would your parents suggest option 2? I don't understand getting married with an agreement like that. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment my dear not a lease/contract that you can renew or terminate. It's like you would be making her a car loan. You are just going to keep her til you can trade her in for something better or she breaks down or becomes too much of a pain with upkeep. Do you see foolish that is? How in God's name can you both stand up there before your family and friends and promise to love each other and support each other through "sickness and health, better and worse, til death do you part" with an agreement like that?
Sharpie, yes you are in very deep. BUT, if you get married now with all this pressure and baggage... you WILL only be digging the hole deeper no matter what frivolous contract you come up with. Getting married is supposed to be exciting, happy, fun, good good times. You should be optimistic, looking forward to a bright future together. How will your finance or you for that matter enjoy your "big day" with all this looming above you like a big thunder cloud. It doesn't matter if it is the most beautiful day of the year. In her shoes, it must feel like she is walking on egg shells. She must be a mess. You cannot do this to her. This agreement your parents suggest seems cruel imo.
There is no reason why you cannot postpone this wedding for 6 months, a year, 2 years, indefinitely. You are not ready to get married. It just gets harder. There will be babies, bills, job losses, home problems, medical issues, BIG BIG fights, temptation. Right now you will be getting married on weak weak foundation. It will collapse. Staying together is hard for people who get married with a strong foundation and it is the happiest day of their life. It isn't easy to be with the same person for the rest of your life. She will disappoint you. You WILL disappoint her. What happens then?
I can't help but project. I've been there. I am there. Living a lie.
Good luck Sharpie. I really wish the best for you.
Last edited by Toxiclove; 08-26-2010 at 07:35 AM..
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I get the feeling continuing with the wedding is what you want in spite of some of your posts, #2 IMO is the best option. Best Wishes on the journey.
it seems like the option with the least amount of immediate pain :-( I fully know and understand that it may not be the ideal thing to do given the circumstances, but i feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. -Sharpie
it seems like the option with the least amount of immediate pain :-( I fully know and understand that it may not be the ideal thing to do given the circumstances, but i feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. -Sharpie
If this is what you're going to do then please start counseling as soon as you can after the wedding (or before). I hope you both can learn that most things can be worked out without fighting and bickering. Not getting your way sometimes is not the end of the world. I hope you can discover what made you fall in love in the first place and refocus on the good stuff and not the bad.
Going with #2 is just asking for MORE trouble. If you do that, you should make sure to keep yourself double-wrapped to prevent any kids, at least until you two have had PROFESSIONAL help.
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