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While this discussion is going to naturally include some references to religion due to the nature of the question, this is not the place to try to hash out which religion or lack thereof is better. Please stick to the topic, which is cohabitation and your feelings about it. Thanks.
"According to a new report being issued today by the government’s Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, most Americans share Lopes’ experience of moving in with a lover before marriage, and most couples — 51 percent according to the CDC data — who do move in together wind up married within three years, just like Lopes. About two-thirds of cohabiters get married within five years.
The report, "Marriage and Cohabitation in the United States," shows that more people than ever are living together without being married. And, it also shows that marriage itself is doing just fine, thanks. Contrary to past dogma, the study also shows that there is no longer a meaningful divorce gap between those who live together first and those who didn’t."
I knew he had video game systems. I knew he played them at times. Yes.
How am I supposed to know a guy is addicted to video games when I don't own one and we never spend time at his house? I learned my lesson. I WILL NOT marry another man that I haven't lived with for a least a year first.
I'm not even going to respond to cpg's comments which are so flawed but I can add to yours with one of my stories which I'll keep short as I simply MUST get on with my day's work!
I cohabited with a wonderful man. He was a brilliant computer programmer and worked a lot from home. He smoked pot regularly, I did so very occasionally and I knew this when he moved in with me. Alcohol was my "poison"!
After we'd lived together for a few months he asked me to marry him and I accepted. At the same time it was obvious that the pot-smoking was affecting his programming performance. He would spend hours into the night writing programs while toking and then the next day would spend hours and hours redoing programming which had seemed brilliant at the time but was very faulty in the cold light of day when the tokes had worn off. We talked about it but the pattern persisted. Our relationship eventually ended and we both moved on.
He lived with someone else for a while, as did I. He finally quit smoking pot, moved to another Caribbean island and I was thrilled to death when he emailed me and told me he'd found a woman he was going to marry. They both came here for a short visit and I met his wife who was absolutely delightful. I could not have been happier for them both.
Time flies by (I've always been bad about time spans!) but they've been married now for several years, are living stateside and are very happy. We remain in touch via email and he recently emailed me and said they would soon be coming for a visit and would keep me posted on their plans.
As far as my own cohabitation experiences are concerned, it can be good or not. I never was very good where marriage is concerned for a variety of reasons based on a messed-up childhood but cohabitation from my early 40s until now has saved me from subsequent divorces!
As far as marriages without cohabitation are concerned, they too can work out well or not. I have a few older or same-age friends (I'm now 65) who didn't cohabit, have successfully raised children and adore each other to this day but whose sexual relationship throughout the years has been perfunctory and unimaginative and who wonder to this day what might have been in that arena had they explored earlier outside the marital bed.
As a woman, I do not want to be encumbered by intermingled financial issues, or possessions, or my comings and goings until I am legally aligned with someone. Nor am I willing to clean up after someone I'm not married to.
Additionally, couples who cohabitate before marriage have been shown by many surveys to have a significantly higher divorce rates than those that do not shack up.
"Twenty or 25 years ago, if you were cohabiting and then married them, the marriage was more likely to dissolve and end in divorce," he says. "Today, that's not the case. You can cohabit with your spouse and not experience increased risk of divorce. We're making these finer distinctions that we didn't make before."
As for us, we lived together for 7 years before deciding to marry. We were happy with the status quo, but there were practical advantages to marriage at that time. Fortunately, the stigmas and stereotypes of marriage didn't come to pass and ruin things.
I am totally for living together before marriage with the thought of "try before you buy"....I think if more people would get to know each other very well before they married, we'd have a lot less divorce.
Doesn't breaking a long-term live-in arrangement work out pretty much the same way emotionally, financially, practically, and in whatever other way, short of the lack of paperwork and perhaps the shame (if one cares) of one more divorce?
As a woman, I do not want to be encumbered by intermingled financial issues, or possessions, or my comings and goings until I am legally aligned with someone. Nor am I willing to clean up after someone I'm not married to.
Cohabitation doesn't by definition include co-mingling of finances or personal possessions. And why would you assume that, "cleaning up after someone" is something which appears in cohabitation but miraculously not after marriage? As far as "comings and goings" are concerned, well that's a whole 'nother issue and hardly relevant to the debated question.
Cohabitation doesn't by definition include co-mingling of finances or personal possessions. And why would you assume that, "cleaning up after someone" is something which appears in cohabitation but miraculously not after marriage? As far as "comings and goings" are concerned, well that's a whole 'nother issue and hardly relevant to the debated question.
I hope I'm correct when I say this... By cleaning up after someone, I think she means that she would be willing to partake in cleaning up after that person if they were married but not at any point before then.
I do agree with the mingling of finances and possessions you say. I don't mingle finances even if cohabitating. I feel each person works hard for their money and it should be kept separate, even after marriage. I feel they should split the bills and possible have a joint account to put grocery money/extra cash for any unexpected bills or upkeep, but for the most part, money is the individuals.
This also has to do with the fact that I'm terrible with money and would hate to spend all my SO's money. I am very good at paying my bills first and making sure I have everything I need, then after that, it's balls to the walls! lol
So I'm just being responsible with the other person in mind. Not greedy or any of that crap.
No. It doesn't sound safe to me. MY gut is telling me that there's something wrong with this picture. There's no way I'm going to change my mind just to make him feel better if he believes in cohabiting and I don't.
Last edited by ho hey!; 03-03-2011 at 08:37 AM..
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