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Yes, these are good answers all. But what got you from saying, "No Way!" to "Hmmm, I think I'll try that..."?
You already know my story. I felt like I got bait and switched. After the wedding, his libido fell off the map. I didn't sign up for that! So, while I still loved him desperately, I wasn't ready to end my sex life.
Location: where the moss is taking over the villages
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So the questions are: what has led me to step out or swing?
At 18: ignorant & defiant against someone who was cheating on me.
At 42: The relationship was over. All the signs that it was over were there for at least a year & the divorce papers were in the works: sleeping in separate rooms. I admit I was looking for a place to jump to: unrealistic & it didn't work. I was a jerk about it, I admit.
Swinging: I had a blatant opportunity when I was 20 & passed it up because I was very unsophisticated & introverted. At this point: I think we're really just too shy & reserved, but not condemning.
I've cheated a couple of times - not on my husband. It was always at the very end of the relationship. I'm really bad at breaking up with people. It kills me to do it. I'm not proud of this - but it's the truth. Oh - and by cheating - I don't mean sex. I mean just hooking up with someone. I always told the guy right after it happened. I have the biggest guilt complex. But I think that once I cheated - I had to tell my boyfriend/fiance - and therefore, I had to break up with them. Both guys saw it coming. And I'm still on good terms with both of them. With my fiance - there were also other circumstances that contributed to all the stuff hitting the fan.
I don't think I made any sense at all here!!! Basically - I've cheated, told the person right away, felt horribly guilty about it, ended the relationship. I'm kind of an overlapper. Again, not something I'm proud of. I think I used to be really good at keeping relationships going far beyond their expiration date. It took me falling in love with someone new to realize that I was no longer in love with the person I was with. Until I met my husband - then I found out what true love really is and I'll never let it go!
This is fairly typical. I overlapped for the most part from 18-20 something. Finally got to the point where I just became a confirmed bachelor and I let that be known. Some woman won't date me because of that and others think they can convince me other wise. I can't see settling down for years.
I was raised in a religious environment, attending religious schools through high school. I realized, though, that religious morality can be unethical, and often limits individual growth and happiness by trying to enforce sameness. Not everyone is the same or should be. I also think that some aspects of western culture are unharmonious and create needless stress and dissatisfaction.
Eventually, I applied this thinking to sexuality as well, and came to think that any kind of consensual, ethical relationship is acceptable. And since then I've been in very long term monogamous relationships, long term polyamorous relationships, have tried swinging, and been in open relationships. ALL have been successful and I not only have no regrets, I am delighted with the course of those experiences. I'm in contact with most of the people involved in those past relationships, and they have no regrets either. I would do some of them again in the right circumstances and with the right people.
Bottom line: if you can do it ethically and skillfully, almost any kind of relationship can work well for some people. It's a matter of personal choice, personal beliefs, and personal ability - and that of your partner(s).
I cheated because I didn't like my husband very much and after staying too long in a marriage that had died, I met someone that turned my crank and I went for it.
I swang because I wanted to try it and see what it was like.
I regret both.
So, what went wrong with the Swinging?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude
I was raised in a religious environment, attending religious schools through high school. I realized, though, that religious morality can be unethical, and often limits individual growth and happiness by trying to enforce sameness. Not everyone is the same or should be. I also think that some aspects of western culture are unharmonious and create needless stress and dissatisfaction.
Eventually, I applied this thinking to sexuality as well, and came to think that any kind of consensual, ethical relationship is acceptable. And since then I've been in very long term monogamous relationships, long term polyamorous relationships, have tried swinging, and been in open relationships. ALL have been successful and I not only have no regrets, I am delighted with the course of those experiences. I'm in contact with most of the people involved in those past relationships, and they have no regrets either. I would do some of them again in the right circumstances and with the right people.
Bottom line: if you can do it ethically and skillfully, almost any kind of relationship can work well for some people. It's a matter of personal choice, personal beliefs, and personal ability - and that of your partner(s).
I have been faithful to my wife, 99% of the time...
Some years ago, one of our kids went through something pretty awful. Not going to say what it was, but trust me, it was nothing anyone here could imagine. It was off the map, and our child needed quite a lot of special love and hand holding. I was so worried and broken up, that for the first few nights afterwards, I slept on the floor of their bedroom. For months, it was the last thought I had every night, and the first I had every morning. It hit me square in the forehead as soon as I opened my eyes.
After a while, I realized that my wife started to fade on me; I felt she got back to normal way too fast. Felt she deserted both me and our child, and I started to resent her for it. And then came the anger. Never been a silent sufferer, besides, our kid needed her, and we had some real Pier 6 brawls over this one. Never in front of our child though. We both knew that was the last thing our child needed; then not only would they have the initial hurt do deal with, but also the guilt of thinking that they were the cause of our discord.
At that time I was in a business where I had "access" to a lot of beautiful women. It started with a few drinks, some hand holding, a kiss goodnight, but soon it escalated to sex. And after the first, there was a second and a third and so on. This went on for months, all with different women, was more like a rampage than a series of affairs. I'm not one for soulless sex, believe it or not. I get caught up and easily crossover to some kind of emotional attachment. But it was never love. I always loved my wife very much.
The problem was that we couldn't talk about the issue. Anytime we tried it always turned into an argument, and once that happens all logic goes out the window and you have no chance of understanding each others point of view. It was on my own that I finally realized that what had happened to our child was just too much for her to handle. She was hiding from it, just couldn't cope. She is stronger than I am in some ways. I think we all have our strong and weak spots. Once I got it, I easily forgave her and that anger was replaced with compassion. We were stronger for each other than ever, on a much deeper level, and all these years later I have never been unfaithful again.
I have been faithful to my wife, 99% of the time...
Some years ago, one of our kids went through something pretty awful. Not going to say what it was, but trust me, it was nothing anyone here could imagine. It was off the map, and our child needed quite a lot of special love and hand holding. I was so worried and broken up, that for the first few nights afterwards, I slept on the floor of their bedroom. For months, it was the last thought I had every night, and the first I had every morning. It hit me square in the forehead as soon as I opened my eyes.
After a while, I realized that my wife started to fade on me; I felt she got back to normal way too fast. Felt she deserted both me and our child, and I started to resent her for it. And then came the anger. Never been a silent sufferer, besides, our kid needed her, and we had some real Pier 6 brawls over this one. Never in front of our child though. We both knew that was the last thing our child needed; then not only would they have the initial hurt do deal with, but also the guilt of thinking that they were the cause of our discord.
At that time I was in a business where I had "access" to a lot of beautiful women. It started with a few drinks, some hand holding, a kiss goodnight, but soon it escalated to sex. And after the first, there was a second and a third and so on. This went on for months, all with different women, was more like a rampage than a series of affairs. I'm not one for soulless sex, believe it or not. I get caught up and easily crossover to some kind of emotional attachment. But it was never love. I always loved my wife very much.
The problem was that we couldn't talk about the issue. Anytime we tried it always turned into an argument, and once that happens all logic goes out the window and you have no chance of understanding each others point of view. It was on my own that I finally realized that what had happened to our child was just too much for her to handle. She was hiding from it, just couldn't cope. She is stronger than I am in some ways. I think we all have our strong and weak spots. Once I got it, I easily forgave her and that anger was replaced with compassion. We were stronger for each other than ever, on a much deeper level, and all these years later I have never been unfaithful again.
Very nice of you to ask... I'm touched. Great! Very accomplished and happy.
In the interest of fairness, I'd have to say that my philandering was in part my way of coping or hiding, too.
I think of those days and cringe.
Your welcome and glad to hear that all is good!
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