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Ofc......BUT that doesn't mean I was lined up in a dance line waiting passively for somebody to pursue me......... Hitting on somebody takes a mutual interest to go anywhere & it doesn't matter who started it.
I never said it didn't. But someone has to make the first move, and that is true for any kind of relationship.
I think men are typically the ones to make the first move, historically and even today, though maybe women are starting to initiate more often than they used to. You can disagree of course.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00
I never said it didn't. But someone has to make the first move, and that is true for any kind of relationship.
I think men are typically the ones to make the first move, historically and even today, though maybe women are starting to initiate more often than they used to. You can disagree of course.
A 1st move can be made by either one.......that's way different than saying men are the pursuers & we're waiting IMO. So.....we disagree.
If I was interested in a man & I knew he was interested in me.......I would do my part & meet halfway. That makes for a healthier relationship IMO...........than either 1 being too overbearing or rushed or desperate.
A 1st move can be made by either one.......that's way different than saying men are the pursuers & we're waiting IMO. So.....we disagree.
If I was interested in a man & I knew he was interested in me.......I would do my part & meet halfway. That makes for a healthier relationship IMO...........than either 1 being too overbearing or rushed or desperate.
Making a first move equals being overbearing or rushed or desperate?
I am not sure what you qualify as a first move, but I am talking about things like...sitting next to someone at a bar and asking if you can buy them a drink, sending someone a DM on social media or on OLD, going up to a stranger in public and starting a conversation to become friends.
I have never done any of those things. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it even if I was interested in a guy. I want to know a guy has enough interest and the gonads to pursue me, because to me that is a reflection of his personality, shows that he must be a gogetter, he has initiative, and I was worth the effort to him. But that's just me. A lot of women on this forum have disagreed with this.
But of course once the first move has been made (by him) I don't stay passive, I am active in the relationship.
She doesn't have to have never been hit on by a stranger in order for her statement, that women, too, are the pursuers sometimes, to be true. Some women have to be the initiators, if they want anything to happen, or if they want to get the attention of their particular type of guy, vs. random street people, marginally-employed types, or whatever. Initiating doesn't have to be with strangers, either. It could be with someone from one's circle of friends or acquaintances, the friend of a friend, etc.
I never said it didn't. But someone has to make the first move, and that is true for any kind of relationship.
I think men are typically the ones to make the first move, historically and even today, though maybe women are starting to initiate more often than they used to. You can disagree of course.
I am kinda "yes and no" on this one. I think that a woman who sees a guy who hits a lot of notes of interest for her, a lot of us will attempt contact. And that begs the question, too, of what "the first move" means...
My fiance reached out to me online first with a message, and noticed I had RSVP'ed to an event, and asked if I would mind if he searched me out there to say hello. He was not pushy with any kind of a dating agenda. But then we continued to interact socially and and such for like 2 months, and I was dropping what I thought were very obvious hints of sexual interest...I hesitated to be too forward about it, because I'd previously had an interaction with another guy where I thought I probably came on too strong and he did not react well...so I was practically inviting him to make his move, but he did not. Then one day he said something to the effect that he didn't think he took hints very well, so I came straight out and said, "Hey so I am interested in having sex with you, if you've been waiting for my consent you have it...what do you think?"
That's the thing, dating is not ONE move, it's a series of moves. Steps. Stages. The dance, trying to ascertain if the other person is thinking what you're thinking ("Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?" lol) That's a big part of the fun of it, for me anyways. But who made "the first move" there? He was the first to make contact, which would have been necessary because he does not have the kind of looks or personality that stand out. He's more of a "still waters run deep" kind of guy. He had to get my attention. But once he had it, I was the one to push things forward. And we likely wouldn't have ever had sex, or a relationship, if I hadn't.
But on OLD, I sent the first message a number of times. But I sent it to people I thought I had compatibility with. And I received messages from men who were such completely inappropriate matches that it literally made zero sense to me. I often felt like, "Why on earth would you even think that this is a good idea, dude?"
I am kinda "yes and no" on this one. I think that a woman who sees a guy who hits a lot of notes of interest for her, a lot of us will attempt contact. And that begs the question, too, of what "the first move" means...
My fiance reached out to me online first with a message, and noticed I had RSVP'ed to an event, and asked if I would mind if he searched me out there to say hello. He was not pushy with any kind of a dating agenda. But then we continued to interact socially and and such for like 2 months, and I was dropping what I thought were very obvious hints of sexual interest...I hesitated to be too forward about it, because I'd previously had an interaction with another guy where I thought I probably came on too strong and he did not react well...so I was practically inviting him to make his move, but he did not. Then one day he said something to the effect that he didn't think he took hints very well, so I came straight out and said, "Hey so I am interested in having sex with you, if you've been waiting for my consent you have it...what do you think?"
That's the thing, dating is not ONE move, it's a series of moves. Steps. Stages. The dance, trying to ascertain if the other person is thinking what you're thinking ("Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?" lol) That's a big part of the fun of it, for me anyways. But who made "the first move" there? He was the first to make contact, which would have been necessary because he does not have the kind of looks or personality that stand out. He's more of a "still waters run deep" kind of guy. He had to get my attention. But once he had it, I was the one to push things forward. And we likely wouldn't have ever had sex, or a relationship, if I hadn't.
But on OLD, I sent the first message a number of times. But I sent it to people I thought I had compatibility with. And I received messages from men who were such completely inappropriate matches that it literally made zero sense to me. I often felt like, "Why on earth would you even think that this is a good idea, dude?"
Yeah, I have done something like this too, with a guy I ended up having a 5 year relationship with. He was moving waayyy too slow and I was getting kind of frustrated, so I ended up being pretty forward about my interest. However, he had been the one to initiate the first contact though still. But yes, I had to help it along.
Making a first move equals being overbearing or rushed or desperate?
I am not sure what you qualify as a first move, but I am talking about things like...sitting next to someone at a bar and asking if you can buy them a drink, sending someone a DM on social media or on OLD, going up to a stranger in public and starting a conversation to become friends.
I have never done any of those things. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it even if I was interested in a guy. I want to know a guy has enough interest and the gonads to pursue me, because to me that is a reflection of his personality, shows that he must be a gogetter, he has initiative, and I was worth the effort to him. But that's just me. A lot of women on this forum have disagreed with this.
But of course once the first move has been made (by him) I don't stay passive, I am active in the relationship.
I love this. It's beautiful. Here's why.
You're being totally self aware with this, you're telling us the fact that ambition and assertiveness are attractive traits for you! So you want prospects to demonstrate those traits to you in early interactions.
I've been one of the women who doesn't "agree" (I only disagree in the sense of "all women/men are this or that way") with this... Based on MY experience it's not like that, but then, I don't need or want ambition or assertiveness in a mate! Not to say that I wanted a submissive man, but what was perfect and what I found is one who is more zen and philosophical, a good companion to me, supportive to me in my ambitions, and I don't care if he's climbing the ladder in life, so long as he is stable. Stability and peace with himself, a lack of aggression and conflict, that's what I wanted. I knew that to find what I needed the most, I might have to do some work, be patient, and see below the surface of a person.
You're being totally self aware with this, you're telling us the fact that ambition and assertiveness are attractive traits for you! So you want prospects to demonstrate those traits to you in early interactions.
I've been one of the women who doesn't "agree" (I only disagree in the sense of "all women/men are this or that way") with this... Based on MY experience it's not like that, but then, I don't need or want ambition or assertiveness in a mate! Not to say that I wanted a submissive man, but what was perfect and what I found is one who is more zen and philosophical, a good companion to me, supportive to me in my ambitions, and I don't care if he's climbing the ladder in life, so long as he is stable. Stability and peace with himself, a lack of aggression and conflict, that's what I wanted. I knew that to find what I needed the most, I might have to do some work, be patient, and see below the surface of a person.
Yeah, I guess a lot of it is I want the "proof" that he really is interested in me, and to prove that to me he has to jump through at least one hoop (make the first move).
If I were to ask a guy out, such as that last guy I liked that seemed to show interest but he didn't ask me out, well, I could have asked him out and he might have accepted, but then I would have wondered "Did he accept just to be polite? Am I bothering him? Is he just too nice to reject me?"
I wouldn't have felt confident in his attraction or interest in me, and that would have made the relationship feel awkward to me.
I think I know where this comes from. My father always acted put out as a child whenever I approached him, called him, or anything, because he was a very busy and stressed guy, so I got kind of trained not to do that.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,610,520 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00
Making a first move equals being overbearing or rushed or desperate?
.
No ....being one sided & the role of "pursuing" while somebody waits to be pursued is tho
edit: IMO saying hi 1st or seeing if there is a spark.....isn't being the pursuer in a relationship. They might just be the more outgoing one.....shrugs.
Last edited by TashaPosh; 04-16-2020 at 12:09 PM..
No ....being one sided & the role of "pursuing" while somebody waits to be pursued is.
All right. Well I am just talking about the very first move. After that, it is equal between the two people in the relationship (or should be, if the relationship is healthy).
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Hitting on somebody takes a mutual interest to go anywhere & it doesn't matter who started it.
....being one sided & the role of "pursuing" while somebody waits to be pursued is tho
