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Well this thread has given me pause as far as entering the online dating world LOL.
I can see why!
Based on what you've written before, I'd think you should add some activities to your life (once we're allowed to emerge from our cocoons) that you're into, and see if you can meet people who share your interests that way, more organically, rather than through a set-up that probably isn't tipped in your favor.
Isn't there stuff you've always wanted to do or learn that you could try now, beyond travel and golf?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,711 posts, read 41,912,279 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Yeah, I mean it's true, a thing that ThisTown123 has complained about where women try to soften romantic rejection by saying that they can be friends instead, but then they put zero actual energy into making a friendship happen after that.
I mean think about it, what does that even mean? What would that look like? Friends presumably have conversations, hang out together sometimes? Given the fact that you KNOW then and there, that this person was a stranger, with whom you have no established personal investment, and they wanted to date you but you were not feeling it... Any ongoing time/energy put into continuing to talk and hang out would feel like giving them false hope, I think.
Unless you had other friends in common, and you were spending time in groups of people socially. But heck, even guys that I didn't meet on a dating site, where it was never a "maybe we could get naked?" vibe...if they're straight dudes and especially if I ever had the feeling they might find me attractive, I avoid being alone one-on-one with them.
You just can't ever 100% trust that a guy who viewed you as a sexual prospect, is going to be able to stow that attraction and actually be a FRIEND...and whenever we have those interminable conversations where people are saying that men and women CAN'T be just friends (which I disagree with, but I think boundaries are needful) it's usually men, and they usually eventually add, "Well not if there is attraction involved."
Though I have found that it's fairly easy to become "just friends" with former lovers, if whatever we had going on ran its course and he in particular was ready to move on from it.
I guess this is one of few areas where I can acknowledge some pressure from the old "evo-bio mating strategy" talk. Guys are more driven to get some if they haven't yet had a taste. After that, maybe they attach and maybe they cool off. Women are more apt to hesitate or say no before sex ever has a chance to happen, and feel attached once it has. Which would make a lot of sense given who wins and who loses, if a careless conception happens and the Daddy doesn't stick around. But as I always say, all of that might work in theory but in practice, humans are just so much more complex than that. It's far from absolute. Very far.
But I do think that it can color our perceptions when we are dealing with strangers. And people on OLD are exactly that. Strangers, who might become prospects for sex and/or romance. Gaining friends online is done more on sites like Facebook, or here, anywhere there's a forum or group setting where conversations are happening. There are a number of posters here on CD that I consider to be the online version of "friends." I've met up with a couple of them in person, and I'd be willing to do that with others, it's fun. The men I knew from OLD back in the day? No, not so much.
I think this is a good breakdown. I personally respect a woman more when she shoots straight and tells me we aren’t going anywhere. The “let’s be friends” angle is just an empty promise in my experience. I think women just mean “please don’t hate or hurt me because I don’t want you” when they say that. I’m gonna be fine being rejected but know that others won’t be and that is why they say that.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,643,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
I personally respect a woman more when she shoots straight and tells me we aren’t going anywhere. The “let’s be friends” angle is just an empty promise in my experience. I think women just mean “please don’t hate or hurt me because I don’t want you” when they say that. I’m gonna be fine being rejected but know that others won’t be and that is why they say that.
IMO profiles are an easy way to shoot straight for us AND MEN.....most say if they are looking for a relationship or just "casual"............
Let's be friends is a nice way of saying "I'm not interested"......or "you seem crazy with a lot of issues"....BUT who wants to say that directly to a crazy?
I think this is a good breakdown. I personally respect a woman more when she shoots straight and tells me we aren’t going anywhere. The “let’s be friends” angle is just an empty promise in my experience. I think women just mean “please don’t hate or hurt me because I don’t want you” when they say that. I’m gonna be fine being rejected but know that others won’t be and that is why they say that.
Speaking honestly to this, and how I have felt...
It's not necessarily FEAR. For some women, yeah, but not for me. It's more that I feel legit bad because I am a decent human who takes zero pleasure in hurting someone else's feelings. And I hear so much about how rejection after rejection wrecks men's self esteem, and damned if I don't totally get it. I can easily imagine how painful that would be. It's easy to act like you'd be above letting it get to you, when you're not right there feeling it, but the times I've felt rejected by people I was into, yeah...it hurt. And I won't lie, I was kind of a petulant mess about it, for a bit, when it happened.
So having to do that to someone else, who I presume is a perfectly decent person with feelings? Especially if I know that they are lonely? Agh, it sucks. But I can't make desire or compatibility be there if it isn't. So I feel very much caught between a rock and a hard place, and I want so much to reassure the man that I am not judging him and finding him inadequate or not good enough in some way. It's not like that, it's not ABOUT that. You can be a wonderful, amazing human being and just not be specifically right for me. Just like I know I'm not an ugly woman, but I also know that I am not attractive to every single person (who is into women)... It isn't a value judgment.
I know it kinda sucks, because like I said, I know those "let's be friends" offers really aren't sincere and that's kind of crap, too. But I can't figure out a way to tell a guy who wanted a romantic or sexual connection, that I'm just not down, without feeling like a jerk about it. If anyone ever thinks of the perfect words to use, let me know. Just please understand that when women say this, usually they are feeling awkward and unhappy about the possibility that they might be hurting your feelings. We don't think you deserve to suffer, just because you're not a good fit for our needs. We can't say yes, but we sure wish we didn't have to be saying no.
IMO profiles are an easy way to shoot straight for us AND MEN.....most say if they are looking for a relationship or just "casual"............
Let's be friends is a nice way of saying "I'm not interested"......or "you seem crazy with a lot of issues"....BUT who wants to say that directly to a crazy?
Can’t really have it both ways though. You were interested in your fiancé so you said it’s important to be friends, but if you’re not interested in a guy you also say let’s be friends?
No one is there looking for a friend, or they wouldn’t say “hi” to a guy who’s checking all their boxes for a relationship. It would be OLF not OLD. There is an option on Bumble for Bumble friend though in case anyone actually wanted that.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,643,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
Can’t really have it both ways though. You were interested in your fiancé so you said it’s important to be friends, but if you’re not interested in a guy you also say let’s be friends?
"Let's just be friends" or...."this isn't feeling right so maybe we can just stay friends".......is "no thank you get away from me" in dating language & it's super common instead of being blunt or telling a crazy person with issues "you are crazy & got issues" IMO.........
When I talked to a guy I was interested in.....like my fiance....I did N O T say let's be friends or this isn't right so maybe we can stay friends. We just talked....flirted.....& became friends organically as we got to know more. Don't tell somebody you're interested in IMO.....that they are in the friend zone or that you just want to be friends.
It seems like most guys who use online dating will never get a date, even if they message 1000 different girls. If you are not very attractive and have a good paying job, most women wouldn't even bother with you. It seems like a waste of time and money for most guys since women can be extremely selective.
Yes, most women are extremely selective, as often they have a lot to offer.......the may reason is that MOST men do nothing to look ATTRACTIVE, and first impressions, in a photograph or in person are extremely important. It deciphers whether he is going to get a date or not.
Take for example the new trend with haircuts, tattoos, and hair on the face: I love a man with a nice haircut, even a ponytail, I dislike with intensity Tattoos, and love a nice-short beard with a mustache or without it. I love a man to be 5"8 or over, in shape, and I do not mean MUSCLES, only a well- define body via exercise. I love the AROMA of a man that has chosen it well.....not bathe in it.....I love sweaters on a man, and if he uses a shirt, I like it tucked in........
Truthfully, most men need to examine their looks, and do something about how they look, first, if they want women to date them. Take for example: Vice-President Mike Pence......an older man that any woman, even a 21 year-old, will date. In shape, clean looks, sophisticate, poised, and very desirable.......to most women.......
It does not take too much for any man to be in-shape, and clean-cut........any woman will respond to this two issues......
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,178,375 times
Reputation: 40641
Quote:
Originally Posted by sasie123
Yes, most women are extremely selective, as often they have a lot to offer.......the may reason is that MOST men do nothing to look ATTRACTIVE, and first impressions, in a photograph or in person are extremely important. It deciphers whether he is going to get a date or not.
Take for example the new trend with haircuts, tattoos, and hair on the face: I love a man with a nice haircut, even a ponytail, I dislike with intensity Tattoos, and love a nice-short beard with a mustache or without it. I love a man to be 5"8 or over, in shape, and I do not mean MUSCLES, only a well- define body via exercise. I love the AROMA of a man that has chosen it well.....not bathe in it.....I love sweaters on a man, and if he uses a shirt, I like it tucked in........
Truthfully, most men need to examine their looks, and do something about how they look, first, if they want women to date them. Take for example: Vice-President Mike Pence......an older man that any woman, even a 21 year-old, will date. In shape, clean looks, sophisticate, poised, and very desirable.......to most women.......
It does not take too much for any man to be in-shape, and clean-cut........any woman will respond to this two issues......
See, but what you like, lots of women don't. That's ok too. I look at the guys most of my professional female co workers and friends date or marry. Big bushy beards are common. Ubiquitous tattoos more common (I don't have them and its a big strike against me). Mod cut. There are all types out there. That's ok. Its about finding your tribe.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 04-17-2020 at 07:36 PM..
Reason: Political comment.
Well this thread has given me pause as far as entering the online dating world LOL.
Don't let the pessimism sway you; as with any dating, it can be an enjoyable process - and you're going to meet women who aren't a match for you in any dating environment. The thing about online dating is you can often glance at a profile and have a fairly good idea if they have match potential and/or learn how to ask the right questions over time (or over dinner or a drink, if it comes to that). You'll meet professional, intelligent, attractive women and have great dates; you'll also meet women with lots of negativity, desperation and issues (who don't get beyond the first exchange). No sense in hiding from it; if you're serious about dating (or even if you aren't), it can (and does) work. The only thing you lose is a few hours or the cost of some dates if it doesn't; it's not like you're asking them for financial advice or anything, lol.
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It would be OLF not OLD. There is an option on Bumble for Bumble friend though in case anyone actually wanted that.
