What Would YOU do - help (boyfriend, man, single, cheat)

[bikerscape]

I love her very much and would do anything for her

I guess that feeling has never been mutual

I give, last I'll say

Thanks for the advice

Time to move on

[Unbelievable50]

Dear Bikerscape,

It was a real interesting one-sided story I read this evening.

You left out so many important details that it is unbelievable !
But i hope you find comfort from these strangers, cause you ditching me and my children at our most time of need and going back to your wife so many times and sleeping with her and taking alone vacations with her and buying two houses with her and now moving back to the state she lives in and buy another house with her leads me to believe you are going to DIVORCE her ?

I will not have a man in my children's life that cannot get a divorce.
I got my divorce and unfortunately 4 months before found out that I have cancer and have been suffering ever since. The children's father for 20 years knew nothing of how to take care of them and this was his opportunity to learn about his children in case their mother died.

I don't care what you or this blog thinks of me cause I know I am a great person and deserve to be with a divorced man, not one that is keeping a closed hold on his wife just ing case his GF doesn't work out.

If you keep going back to her, she keeps hope, so why the hell would she even try to give you a divorce. I will not subject my children to that. Especially to a woman that verbally abused me and my x and threatened to contact my young children.

I am proud of how I have NEVER spent one night alone with my X, can you say that ? I am proud that I have swallowed my pride so he could take care of the kids while I was vomiting my guts out from chemo. Im proud that we can be at sports functions and not be at each others throats. Im proud he knows where he stands with me.

Im proud i don't have to freak out cause my supposed separated wife posts she loves you on Facebook and you have to delete it........ why you do that cause you are a player.

So you know I am not going into the details of my life but these people that have your back, they haven't seen your front.

I have.

[Unbelievable50]

For those of you that think i have a heart of ice
I pity you for believing a one-sided story

What a childish game this is, to listen to strangers and take their advise
Especially when you only give them 1/2 the story

Poor victim of his own mistakes.
Stop this NOW BIKERSCAPE... you are self destructive

[Hobokenkitchen]

Originally Posted by Unbelievable50

to your wife so many times and sleeping with her and taking alone vacations with her and buying two houses with her and now moving back to the state she lives in and buy another house with her leads me to believe you are going to DIVORCE her ?

.

Holy cow!
If the above is for real then we really have only heard half this story. It's even more pathetic than it initially sounded!

Originally Posted by Unbelievable50

For those of you that think i have a heart of ice
I pity you for believing a one-sided story

What a childish game this is, to listen to strangers and take their advise
Especially when you only give them 1/2 the story

Poor victim of his own mistakes.
Stop this NOW BIKERSCAPE... you are self destructive

You are right - we do only hear half the story on here, useful reminder.
It sounds like this is a very messy situation and pretty much a cautionary tale about starting new relationships before old ones are done.

Again if the above is really biker's other woman, then it is interesting that he chose to leave the details about stringing along his wife for years out. What kind of man behaves like this?

But can this be true? What are the chances of 'other woman' stumbling across this post. Or is this just some random person making a point?

Either way I would be interested to hear biker's response!

[bikerscape]

Yes I bought a house when her and mine didn't work out. I even tried to apply then to my girl friends house when I returned. I was not sleeping with my wife in any stretch of the immagination. The house I bought was cause I would of have had to forfeit 19600 not just the ten thousand. Like I said I offered it for my girl friend and my house. Was use it or lose it. Explained that to girlfriend. Separated wife put nothing into the house. I made it very clear it was my house. She agreed. It was either get this house or lose the money.

I never allowed her to pay a dime towards it. She was not on financing. It only required state law required her to sigh one or two papers since divorce was finalized. The gf new exactly that. Even encouraged me to go ahead and by since I had lived in RV for months and then tiny apartment.

Lawyer advices it was no big deal as money could be shown that it came out of separated funds and I file on her down there. She was in this house from June 30th until August 1.

She totally had no claim on this house. She proceeded to reinforce the original separation from June 6 2010.

The house I bought trying to get away from being so close was handled very similarly

I even sincerely offered that her ex could live in this house since he doesn't make enough money to ever able to get a decent house where kids could stay with him

There is nothing my separated wife has on house except that required by state law

Like I said I offered the 19600 to be applied to girlfriends house. Forgoing buying this house.

Was completely committed to buying house with girl friend up until the clear hiding, lack of respect, not seeing me and running around on weekends with him was acceptable to her

Just callous at that point to not have me even as just stated friend with her

[Urban Sasquatch]

Dude, I'm about to try and help you, but all I can do is offer some words. What you take from them will be up to you.


Maybe you can't see it, but you've started to go around the bend a little. Maybe more than a little.


When I say that I am NOT attacking you, I'm hoping to God Almighty that you'll pause and take heed.


Let's take a look at your situation as described from your first post. I'm not going to QUOTE it, I think we can pretty safely summarize.


You met this woman online, and developed a connection. You were both having harsh difficulties in your respective marriages and this online thing can be pretty heady stuff. However, I'd venture to say that a lot more marriages are BROKEN because of it than ever CREATED from it.

That's life; not quite "luck of the draw" but it takes all kinds. Getting caught up in this doesn't make you the brightest of people, but it is far, FAR from making you one of the worst, or even necessarily foolish. It can happen to most anyone who is trapped in a bad situation and suddenly finds some affection out there. We get hungry for just the chance to feel ALIVE when trapped in a bad situation, and regardless of what some of the doot-brains in here may constantly say (Just leave him/her because it's always that uncomplicated and easy, sure it is), it IS possible to be trapped -- at least for a while.

Read that again -- FOR A WHILE.


You "met" this woman and the affair began. You talked all the time, it built, it escalated.... you "planned" a future, you made those plans and then -- stick with me, because this is where it gets tricky -- YOU, yes YOU.... proactively.... pursued those plans.


Divorce... house... life together...

You've taken STEPS, real steps toward that allegedly mutual goal.


And while $#!+ can certainly happen in life and we can experience setbacks, it seems her life has been one setback after another.



Let me see if I can summarize your time, even the details you didn't necessarily give:


At first you two talked ALL the time, sought out those opportunities, MADE the time -- but such a thing DOES in fact start to infringe on everyday life, which MUST go on; and so you were both forced to cut back, make concessions with regard to time spent "together".


Nevertheless you wanted to have as much time with her as possible, and still made those opportunities when and where you could, acquiescing when the demands on HER time didn't allow her to mesh with YOUR time.

Were you the kind of guy who would lose sleep, sticking around late by the computer so that you could meet HER schedule? Were you?


And as time went by, did she just get more and more busy? More and more trapped and inconvenienced by circumstances and family matters, ensnared by forces beyond her control until you began to feel you were being quite shunted by the wayside?

Did you confront her about this, get reassurances and even a little step up in activity because she was "trying, really trying", a step up that stepped right back down in very short order and then got even worse?


Bikerscape.... did I just paint a simple yet hauntingly familar picture?


And you divorced, took this scenario as far as you could on your own, but she was still trapped.

Then you took this scenario farther than you could afford to go, by getting it into your thick skull that she was still being as proactive as she could and you went out and began to try to build that dream house.


Only... after being alone for a year... and more.... she's not making any moves at all, other than for whatever has come to pass for communication between you two to get WORSE rather than better.

She's convincing.... you HAVE to believe her, please, please believe she really LOVES you and is doing all she can, PLEASE....!


Fast-forward:

Originally Posted by bikerscape

So I came back into town Sunday (flew) and took a cab to where i work to get my car (no way she would pick me up I figured, and she only said depends on whats going on, and never once again offered even tho reminded). I went directly to a pharmacy I use. This is in the new place. I then drove down to Lowes to get some light bulbs. It was interesting that the way I entered I had to go down a street westbound and went to do a U'ey and coming from the west headed east was her and her Ex in her car (him driving). They proceeded to go into Lowes and he opened her car door for her. I just sat out in the parking lot until they left. It was 5:40 pm. I then waited 40 minutes for them to come out. It was 6:20 pm. They loaded some plants and soil. She pushed 4 wheel cart back and he drove over to pick her up, she got in. IRONIC WHAT GOD SHOWS YOU IN SHORT ORDER...read on

At 5:15 i had messaged her - not knowing any of this... Hello ? Where r u ?

She responded at 6:28

"We just got home. Been at basketball scrimmage. I'm exhausted. XXXXX dealing with boys. Trying to fix bikes. Ive vomited about 5 times. Going to sleep for a while. There are 4 boys here." (she has 2)

Of course I called her a couple times to see if she would pick up. No answer. I'm sure was on silent.

Now her car seats at most 5 and her Ex at most 4. No one other than those two went into Lowes and there was no windows down and I saw no one else in the car. No way four boys in back.

I said "hope u feel better". And asked "4 boys ride in car with you ?"

She said "No, (youngest) rode with me. All others rode with XXXXX. They have been with him since yesterday, I think."

Then she said "You here safe". I said "yea". She said "Glad ur safe, have a nice nite".

Now, I'm going to say right up front that I'm not entirely certain you "coincidentally" ran across them doing their thing. Why do I say that? Because I think you have gone around the bend at least a little, as I said at the beginning of this.

I'll try to support that some as we go -- not to "prove I'm right", dude. Seriously, I see where you're going and I WANT TO TRY TO HELP YOU.


Anyway, however this scenario came to pass, you see her and hubby doing their thing and you KNOW the truth.

And when you talk to her, this woman lies.... pay attention here, pay close effing attention.... this woman lies to you quickly and easily, the words just flowing from her tongue totally no problemo.



Let me tell you a little thing about lies and love, a little thing about the nature of lies and the nature of love.


We do not lie to those we respect. We do not lie to them BECAUSE either we respect them enough we'd never debase the relationship we have with them through lies...

...or because we know they're intelligent enough to figure things out and we'll be caught in our lie.

One of two, but both typically there.


I've already written on this elsewhere: //www.city-data.com/forum/21953209-post18.html



As for love itself and the way things are often mistaken for it, and some of the tanglements, here you go; different guy, different situation, but some of it really applies and is stuff you need to STOP and THINK about: //www.city-data.com/forum/23369621-post8.html



Let's look at this further. The woman didn't just lie to you, she lied to you and had to basically brush you off because she was just worn out, no? I believe her word was "exhausted".

Let me translate by slapping you upside the head: "I really don't want to deal with you right now."


Let me translate THAT even further, so you can get it through your thick, effing skull:

"I have a REAL life that I am tending to, and I am perfectly willing to feed you a line of garbage to just -- pay attention here -- GET YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE FOR NOW, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU RIGHT NOW. I might want you later, I don't know; but for NOW you are IRRITATING me, even though I have to keep a calm voice in order to perpetuate my hobby, which is not really about YOU, but about the special feeling I get knowing some guy out there is essentially my emotional slave and at my beck and call."


I hope to God you actually read that. I hope to God you start waking the hell up.



Now let's talk about you some rather than her and what's she's "doing to you".


I said it once and I'll say it again: I fear you're obsessing and well on your journey around the bend. You've divorced your wife and tried to build a house, which is a HUGE investment both financially and emotionally.

You're actively pursuing a woman who is making it abundantly clear that regardless of whatever was said before, she now has virtually NO interest in you.

How long does it take to jump off a hot stove?


Meanwhile you.... however it came to pass.... sat in a parking lot for 40 minutes just to see her and her husband come out of Lowes, and KNOWING that when you spoke to her it was going to be a pack of lies.... and it was....


And yet you post this:

Originally Posted by bikerscape

The next day she said she was going out to get some sun and clean up some dead stuff in the flower beds and remove some leaves. Talked about getting furniture she had "...seen yester(stop), last week at lowes".


So probably just cleaning. Did say in conversation she had nothing to plant and I couldn't see close enough but know they had gotten some kinds of plants. So give her the benefit here...cause may just be potted things to set around.

LISTEN to me! LISTEN! You're analyzing whether or not this woman told you the truth, making excuses FOR her, when you know damned good and well she just lied through her teeth and into the phone equivalent of "to your face".

That's not the sign of health there, Bikerscape. It's the sign of both desperation and a DOORMAT.


And you go farther:

Originally Posted by bikerscape

So ... "IT CONTINUES".

Bikerscape, SHE is no longer doing this TO you. You are actively seeking it out and you're not just riding IN the handbasket to Hell, you're helping to carry the damned thing.


Listen to yourself:

Originally Posted by bikerscape

Just you would have to hear how convincing she can be.

...and...

Originally Posted by bikerscape

Why in the world can't someone see that waiting alone for nearly two years is immensely incredible giving thing ? It's like there is no respect whatsoever for having to endure his presence there for the first year. Right after divorce and while committed to house and building, then since then and all this time ?

Why can't they see after waiting for a year ... doing the building thing ... the last thing to do was NOT see me for 3 weeks. Then allow him to be with them on weekends ? Is that not very very cold and callous or is that just me ?

How is it even possible for a person to do this to another ?

And not realize the sacrifice and effects ?

Trying to determine if I'm out of line here.

Trying to determine if you're out of line?!?!?!?


THIS stuff, friend -- this is why I fear you've gone around the bend more than just a smidge.


Allow me to sum it up for you ere I wash my hands and walk away, for no amount of help will help a man who refuses to help himself.



This woman may have once felt affection and no doubt PASSION for you, but those are not the same as LOVE. It was all very exciting, but you have stepped across a different line now and you are an INCONVENIENCE.


This woman is no longer healthy for you in any way. Never really was, BUT it spurred you to end a marriage you were already unhappy with, so what the hell? Still, that's done and NOW the raving, blubbering idiot who has posted all this stuff is what you've become. What a LONG, long way you've come with all this, baby! You must be pretty proud.


This woman is perfectly willing and ABLE to lie to you; if you didn't know it before you know it NOW -- and yet you're still attempting to justify and squeak out ways to ... let me get this straight... give her the benefit of the doubt?!?


She has NO intention of leaving her husband, her kids, her life -- period. Again -- PERIOD.


YOU, Bikerscape, YOU-YOU-YOU need to wipe your hands of the travesty you're turning your own life into and WALK.


It's over; the only one who can't see it is you.

She's not too busy, she's just too busy for YOU. Her life isn't too complicated to make the dream you both pretended for a while actually happen; she has NO intention of helping you MAKE it happen because it was fun-fancy and play-pretty, nice words to pass the evenings when she felt otherwise dissatisfied. The only REAL complication in her life....

He's sitting here reading these words and making himself crazy for love of a woman whom he has probably come to digust.


You, Bikerscape, are a complete IDIOT if you do not reach around and delete everything regarding this woman from your life: Messages you've saved, old texts, physical gifts you have in your home, clothes she's bought you, her phone number, emails, email addresses, pictures -- ALL of it, and go put YOUR life back together.


Are you scared because that's really hard to do?

Brother, let me assure you -- I agree, it IS really hard to do. I've been there myself and I really do understand. It's why I'm willing to be harsh with a complete stranger, and why I'm so adamant in trying to rattle your brain into action -- because I don't want to see someone go through this.


But as hard as it is, you've got a choice ahead of you: Save yourself, or accept misery in pursuit of madness.


Let it go NOW and each and every day that passes will be a little easier.


If I believed there was the slightest chance you could work this, make it happen, I'd encourage you to damn the torpedoes and go full steam ahead; but there's not. You're deluding yourself repeatedly and it's killing you.


Don't you think two years with NO promise is quite enough to put your life on hold? We're all given a finite amount of time, whether by God or by Fortune; either way, you're wasting yours.

She doesn't love you.

STOP this.

[zentropa]

Awwww, you two crazy kids! I just wanna knock your heads together!

[zentropa]

Buy the way, Urban, he never divorced his wife. He keeps going back to her, then she when gets on his case for having an affair, or expresses her desire to get back together permanently, he dumps her and the kids again.

The OP is a tool.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by zentropa

Buy the way, Urban, he never divorced his wife. He keeps going back to her, then she when gets on his case for having an affair, or expresses her desire to get back together permanently, he dumps her and the kids again.

The OP is a tool.

Zentropa, somewhere in there I missed that. Thanks for pointing it out.

And you know, it does make a huge difference.



Bikerscape, forget I said anything. You keep right on going the way you are, because if you haven't even divorced your wife with all this.... dude, God forbid you hook up with anyone else.

Now *I* feel like an idiot for having taken that kind of time to craft what I thought would be help for someone in pain.

[Rakin]

Urb... that was a lot of work putting together your post, yet a waste of time. Biker dude is either making all this up and playing us or he definitely is not looking for advice.

I'll say it for a 3rd time that no man would put up with all this drama. I can just imagine the wife... surely she's told him to get lost by now.