Fiancé's baby mama upset we're getting married. (husbands, children, pregnant)

[Rakin]

Originally Posted by Just1Fan

The bond between husband and wife should be put before anything and everybody. Those who feel otherwise should not be married.

Gotta disagree. When there is a kid from a previous relationship, that kid is 1st and new wife 2nd. If you can't make kid #1, don't marry.

Kids trump wives.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Rakin

Gotta disagree. When there is a kid from a previous relationship, that kid is 1st and new wife 2nd. If you can't make kid #1, don't marry.

Kids trump wives.

Let me put it more succinctly:

Kids trump 2nd wives

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Let me put it more succinctly:

Kids trump 2nd wives

Agreed. In a one-and-only marriage, spouse trumps the child. In a second marriage, child trumps the spouse.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Rakin

Gotta disagree. When there is a kid from a previous relationship, that kid is 1st and new wife 2nd. If you can't make kid #1, don't marry.

Kids trump wives.

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Let me put it more succinctly:

Kids trump 2nd wives

The more this stand is advertised, the more single parents will never get a 2nd spouse, even if they don't share it.

[LookinForMayberry]

Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific

I WANT to be sympathetic but it's eluding me. Any advice?

Go sit and meditate a bit longer. Probably she was just shocked, and she will get over it. Maybe she thought you two would split apart the way they did, and she's now feeling left out. Let her alone, give her time to adjust. She'll come around as long as you give her space and stay open. Don't close your heart.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

The more this stand is advertised, the more single parents will never get a 2nd spouse, even if they don't share it.

And that might not be such a bad thing - they could actually focus on raising their kids instead of their love lives

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by LookinForMayberry

Probably she was just shocked, and she will get over it. Maybe she thought you two would split apart the way they did, and she's now feeling left out. Let her alone, give her time to adjust. She'll come around as long as you give her space and stay open. Don't close your heart.

Heck, I wouldn't feel very good in Tess's shoes myself. Being good enough to F, but not good enough to marry is certainly a pretty bitter pill to swallow.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

And that might not be such a bad thing - they could actually focus on raising their kids instead of their love lives

Perhaps... In many ways it's better for everybody involved, but adults have other needs as well.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by RandomlySpecific

I'm trying to be sympathetic to how she feels.

My man proposed to me a month ago today. We shared the news with our family and friends but I guess we left someone out. When my Fiancé's baby mama, we'll call her Tess, dropped off their son (her mom has her son most the time and that's who normally drops him off) yesterday she noticed the ring on my finger and I shared the news with her. She said congratulations and didn't show any disdain towards hearing the news. Let me say that her and I are cordial, there's never been any drama, ever. I've always thought she was a sweet person. We've even hung out a few times.

This morning I get a call from my Fiancé's grandmother saying Tess called her very upset. She said that Tess was upset at the news of us getting married and felt that it was a slap in the face because she gave my Fiancé six years of her life and a son, how could he marry me after only three years. How could he marry someone who doesn't even want kids. My initial reaction was to call Tess and curse her the f*%# out but I remembered that I'm suppose to have compassion & empathy towards others (I've been meditating for the pass few weeks and I'm learning to be more positive). I told my Fiancé about this and he also reminded me of my reasons for meditation, he said that this is probably my first test, lol.

I'm struggling with it though. First off, I can't sympathize with any woman who thinks a man is suppose to marry them because they have a kid together, I never knew she felt this way. Secondly, how dare she imply that me not wanting kids is some flaw men should be repulsed by? I feel she got it backwards: men should be repulsed by women trying to trap them by having their child. They've been broken up for 4 years, she doesn't have a right to be upset. I WANT to be sympathetic but it's eluding me.

Any advice?


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I have nothing to say to a woman that uses the term "baby mama"...except to grow the **** up.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

I have nothing to say to a woman that uses the term "baby mama"...

That, too... I was gonna say it at the beginning, but managed to refrain. The thing is the way of writing didn't quite match the usage of this term, so it must've propagated in more circles...