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The OP sounds like a winner in general, and her hubby....doesn't. I think she should take the great job for her and her daughter's sake.
Thank you! If I am not pregnant things will be a lot easier. It is only three months before my baby is born. I don't know if I can handle starting a new job, relocation, having a new born baby, and emotional stress from separation/divorce all at the same time. If I move next April when my baby is two months old, I may still be able to catch the ride for the project. The company wants me to be there now to start conversation with the client. But I think they will be ok if I go there in April. I will talk about the timeline with them on Monday.
I have been with my husband for four years. I have to say on daily little things, he has outperformed more than I expected: the way he treats my family and friends, being very supportive after I lost my job, never denied any financial responsibility as a husband or father to his son, never interfered my decision on how i spend my money, always respected my opinion on where to eat, where to go for vacation, treats his son with respect and make him try new things and eat more vegetables, etc. On a scale 1 to 10, I give him 7 as a husband and father. I took 3 off for his stubbornness (unwilling to talk about certain issues), video games, no exercise, no savings, and wasting money on his expensive 'toys'.
When I was young, it was so easy for me to break up with a guy. I can break up with them for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes i regretted, sometimes i didn't. But now, it is a marriage I may end up breaking. I know if I take this job and leave, we are not going to survive. When my baby grows up and asks me why I left his father. Do I just tell him mom found a good job opportunity and left!??? Can he accept that? When I was little, my mom always worked hard and rarely had time to pick me up from kindergarten or school. It didn't really hurt my feeling because she did a lot for me as i grew up and has always been a strong mother figure, but I still felt something missing in my life. Recently I asked m stepson about how he feels about having two pairs of parents. His answer was very sad. He said: "I don't know why mom and dad can't live together!". I told him: "but you have more love: papa (his stepdad) and I love you too. You have us to take you out to do cool things, right?". he nodded, but i don't think he felt justified.
I only read the first page. OP, the only thing that really matters here is your child, not your husband's irresponsible nature.... If what you say about him is truth he's screwy.
That is what I am worried. You only hear my side of story but not his. I don't want to make a big mistake. When I was young, everything is black or white, but now everything seems to be gray. Since Wednesday I had the argument with him about his job offer until now, I have been feeling really depressed by his unwillingness to discuss like an adult. I know stress is not good for the baby. I need to stop.
That is what I am worried. You only hear my side of story but not his. I don't want to make a big mistake. When I was young, everything is black or white, but now everything seems to be gray. Since Wednesday I had the argument with him about his job offer until now, I have been feeling really depressed by his unwillingness to discuss like an adult. I know stress is not good for the baby. I need to stop.
You either have your shyte together and trust yourself or you don't. Only you know this. When it comes to kids, imo, I think parents need to develop the ability to compartmentalize. Write your situation pros and cons on a piece of paper (or in word). Understand what the best thing is going to be for your daughter. Try to be honest about it. If your husband is going to be another child you have to care for then that's going to be a detriment to your kid. You already have a track record. What are the benefits to where you are now (extended family, culture, school system, col, etc). What are the benefits of the new state?
There are several things the OP posts that sound like the marriage isn't on firm ground. The way he right off the bat said if she wants the job, she'll have to take it without him, and without her newborn! That just ISN't NORMAL, it's not a normal reaction, it's not indicative of a normal person.
The intransigence, and lack of communication.
The video game playing, to the point of neglecting his child.
This may sound radical, but I think the OP should take the job that offers her a step up professionally, and better pay. Take it as soon as possible, before her child is born. She doesn't seem to be married to a mature adult. Counseling is always a good suggesting (test his character by asking if he'll go, and see the reaction), but I don't think it will change his basic personality. But that's just me.
I won't say he neglected his son. He did choose to play video games most of the time when I took his son to swimming or playing tennis. I guess he trusted i could take care of his son so he wasn't worried. He told me he appreciated what I did. He did go to the pool with us a few times. His son used to have to beg him to take him to the pool and he rarely let that happen because he is interested in going (lazy). So I started taking his son to the pool without him even asking. I think a kid should never have to beg to be taken to the pool. It is a very good thing for him. Now, he is the only kid on his bday party who could swim in the river. I don't think he should play that much of video games with his son, but his son did always have so much fun and i can hear his son's laughters throughout the day. If he can cut it down to a couple hrs a day, I will be ok with it.
Youre struggling between what makes financially sense and what makes sense for him as a father.
Even if he agreed, this is what would probably happen. You guys move. The new child is born. You will eventually become resentful if he has to travel to go see his first son. Which the concept of a child having to travel to see his father makes no sense in itself. YOU WILL GET TIRED OF IT.
I think you need to respect that he was a father before you met him and he's gonna continue to be a father going fwd. Financially sound or not.
Only he can decide what is right. You cant say well youll have him in the summer so itll be the same. That clearly tells me youve never been a parent. No fn way. How would you feel if he became a part time father for the child yet to be born.
You either have your shyte together and trust yourself or you don't. Only you know this. When it comes to kids, imo, I think parents need to develop the ability to compartmentalize. Write your situation pros and cons on a piece of paper (or in word). Understand what the best thing is going to be for your daughter. Try to be honest about it. If your husband is going to be another child you have to care for then that's going to be a detriment to your kid. You already have a track record. What are the benefits to where you are now (extended family, culture, school system, col, etc). What are the benefits of the new state?
Thank you for your advice! If my husband can go with me and we work for the same firm, the benefit of that (more savings in 401k+my career advancement+easier to raise the baby together by working in the same building+he potentially will have a better career path) will definitely outweigh all the benefits of staying in Charlotte (no relocation+closer to his family+language school nearby for the baby+keep my real estate license). The teaching my stepson Chinese and registering him classes advantage I know is a bit of stretch. He won't like it if his father moves away.
But if I go there by myself, the only benefit will be my career advancement and my earnings. It is hard to justify relocating with a new born baby and dealing with divorce and custody.
If I stay in Charlotte and stay in this marriage, other than letting my husband take more financial responsibilities, I don't know what else I can do. I am not trying to 'revenge', but my husband won't appreciate anything I did to try to save the marriage and be with him. I want to work with him to build a stronger marriage, but I don't want him to take me for granted and I sacrificed my career advancement for nothing. Otherwise he will never grow up.
OP, you tend to characterize the dilemma as being about money. I don't see it that way. The prospect of a better job + move has revealed some problems in your marriage that were lying dormant, or came into sharper focus when the job issue arose, that's how I see it. So if, as you say, your child someday were to ask you why you and dad split up, it wasn't over a better paycheck. You split up because the marriage wasn't working out. Your husband seems to be all about him and his wants on most of the big-ticket issues. He defers to you on the small-ticket issues (where to go to dinner).
You list a number of pluses re: your husband, and how he handles day-to-day things. And the minuses. The pluses appear to outweigh the minuses (you gave him a 7 overall), because there are more of them. I would suggest, though, that the few minuses are actually more important, and fall on issues that are more serious than the plus items. Therefore it's possible to view the equation as the minuses outweighing, or at least equalling, the pluses. Will you be resentful later on, knowing you gave up a great job and career advancement (and a better job for him!), while he continues to play video games? You say you don't want him to take you for granted, but what if he does? What would you do then, how would you feel? Harping on how you gave up a great job and career move won't help anything.
All of that said, you are the one with the pregnancy, and the one who would have a lot on her conscience if you go through with the move (even though your husband should have a conscience about requiring you to stay in NC). And making a move in the 3rd trimester would be a lot to ask, thanks for sharing additional info with us. It sounds like the company is giving you a little flexibility as to when you make the decision, so you could put it to rest until after you settle into a routine with the baby. Also think; how will midnight feedings and chronic sleep loss affect your ability on the job?
Could there be a 3rd option here? What if you worked on the project long-distance, and flew in once or twice a month to meet with the client and with your colleagues?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-10-2012 at 12:19 PM..
Youre struggling between what makes financially sense and what makes sense for him as a father.
Even if he agreed, this is what would probably happen. You guys move. The new child is born. You will eventually become resentful if he has to travel to go see his first son. Which the concept of a child having to travel to see his father makes no sense in itself. YOU WILL GET TIRED OF IT.
I think you need to respect that he was a father before you met him and he's gonna continue to be a father going fwd. Financially sound or not.
Only he can decide what is right. You cant say well youll have him in the summer so itll be the same. That clearly tells me youve never been a parent. No fn way. How would you feel if he became a part time father for the child yet to be born.
I just got off the phone with my mother-in-law. She is very supportive of me and also thinks my husband should move to Indiana with me for this opportunity. But when we talked more about my stepson's situation, she pointed out one thing I had never thought of. She said even thought there are many advantages for the kid to stay with us for a whole summer and stay away from his mom, but my stepson may feel being left out because we will have our new born son and then we moved away from him. His mom probably will tell him constantly his father doesn't love him anymore. He is currently 8 years old. So it may create a real negative feeling for him. I don't think my husband has thought this far, but he may unconsciously know this is what will happen. His father wasn't in his life until he was 4 years old. This parents divorced when he was 17. So this is the main reason he doesn't want to leave his son, even just for two years.
I wasn't trying to be selfish and ignore my stepson's feeling. The reason I didn't think it would be a big deal to get him only in summers was because my husband only provides monthly child support, and foods and entertainment when he is here on the weekends. He never asked his son how he was at school or was there any problems at school or how he feels about his teachers or classmates. He never went to his son's parent conferences, he never asked what grades he is getting at school, he never went to school to have lunch with him. He never went to any of his graduation ceremonies. We went to his tee ball games a couple times two years ago, then he stopped playing and we were never invited to any other after school activities. Based on the child, there isn't any except this stepdad takes him to Boy Scout on Thursdays. Even after I told him his son told me he was having problem with classmates and they were isolating him, he still didn't even bother to ask his son what is wrong or went to school to talk to the teacher. That was why I wanted to go to his school to have lunch with him so I can meet his teacher and classmates to figure out what was going on. His mom always found excuses not let me go. So I gave up.
After my conversation with my stepmom and your post, I do understand a little more that frequent parenting is better although my husband is way too laid back and needs to get more involved in his son's life.
OP, you tend to characterize the dilemma as being about money. I don't see it that way. The prospect of a better job + move has revealed some problems in your marriage that were lying dormant, or came into sharper focus when the job issue arose, that's how I see it. So if, as you say, your child someday were to ask you why you and dad split up, it wasn't over a better paycheck. You split up because the marriage wasn't working out. Your husband seems to be all about him and his wants on most of the big-ticket issues. He defers to you on the small-ticket issues (where to go to dinner).
You list a number of pluses re: your husband, and how he handles day-to-day things. And the minuses. The pluses appear to outweigh the minuses (you gave him a 7 overall), because there are more of them. I would suggest, though, that the few minuses are actually more important, and fall on issues that are more serious than the plus items. Therefore it's possible to view the equation as the minuses outweighing, or at least equalling, the pluses. Will you be resentful later on, knowing you gave up a great job and career advancement (and a better job for him!), while he continues to play video games? You say you don't want him to take you for granted, but what if he does? What would you do then, how would you feel? Harping on how you gave up a great job and career move won't help anything.
All of that said, you are the one with the pregnancy, and the one who would have a lot on her conscience if you go through with the move (even though your husband should have a conscience about requiring you to stay in NC). And making a move in the 3rd trimester would be a lot to ask, thanks for sharing additional info with us. It sounds like the company is giving you a little flexibility as to when you make the decision, so you could put it to rest until after you settle into a routine with the baby. Also think; how will midnight feedings and chronic sleep loss affect your ability on the job?
Could there be a 3rd option here? What if you worked on the project long-distance, and flew in once or twice a month to meet with the client and with your colleagues?
You are absolutely right about our ongoing marriage problem exploded by this event and on the big- vs. small- ticket issues. It has always been an issue between him and me on finance. We are completely the opposite: I always managed to put lots of money in savings and still maintained a comfortable lifestyle being able to do or buy things I want. My husband always lives beyond his means. Don't give me wrong! i don't complain because he wasted lots of money on himself, he is very generous to me too. If i tell him to buy me a fancy car that i don't even need tomorrow, he will very likely do it. Spending money must make him happy. Lots of times I had to beg him don't buy certain things that I don't even need. For example, he dropped a $600 lens I have been using. He wanted to replace it. I begged him not to do it because we have many other lenses I can use. He said you liked this one. I said it is just happen to be the one you gave me first and I got used to it but if you have given me another one I would have liked it too. He registered a wish list on a camera website from which his parents and I get for his bdays and Christmas gifts. Guess how much is the total value of that list - $120k! he told me he will gradually get everything on it and he keeps adding things to it. So far he has at least $30k worth of professional gears that he rarely use. I asked him cannot he just get one or two lenses to cover most of features he needs. He said no, he has to get more than 10 to cover everything. When new versions released, he will go get the newest. The old ones are collecting dust. He used to have a house before we met. He had some issue with his subdivision (something to do with a certain style of mailbox) and hired a lawyer. He ended up spending a lot of lawyer fee on it instead of changing the mailbox. Eventually he decided to give the house back to the bank and lost his 10 years of equity so he didn't have to deal with it anymore (this all happened long before i met). This is how he makes major financial decisions. I offered to help him pay off his credit card debts so he doesn't have to pay hundreds of dollars of financial charges each month. his dad offered the same thing. but he rejected all of us and wants to handle it on his own. The result is it keeps growing. He just wants to feel like a man and doesn't think we are married so his financial problem is ours. Yes, on small, non-important issues like where to eat, he always consults me and makes me feel important. for example, he wouldn't eat anything if he couldn't get in touch with me by phone to discuss about what to eat and just wait until i get home. Strange!
So even if I stay in Charlotte, those problems will not go away. I am upset not because he won't go to Indiana with me but because he wont discuss with me to make sure it will worth it to let this opportunity pass, which is consistent with his irresponsibility, stubbornness and unwilling to compromise/corporate on major issues. His mom said his dad is worse and that's why their marriage didn't last.
I don't think it's possible for me to work remotely. Technically flying there once in a while for meetings and field walk should work because most of the time i will be reviewing consulting companies submittals and working on reports, scheduling..., but that is a financial burden on the company or project for me to travel and they want me to work with the client (city) closely as the client's extension staff. I am sure no matter how great they think i am, it would be much more efficient to hire someone local. So unless they want to open an office in Charlotte to get new business in this region, it is impossible for me to wok from here.
Last edited by Jane990775; 11-10-2012 at 02:31 PM..
I don't know if you thought just HOW your world will change once you have a baby. Suddenly the importance of the outside world crumbles... there is nothing more important than these 10 fingers and 10 toes.... So many of your current problems will be put on the back burner.... some will stay unfinished... Your husband may be shouldering the load with the newborn as stubbornly as he seems to be in small matters - to the point that you will thank heavens you've got him as a husband... In short, so much in your perception will change in 3 months...
Lot of career women think of birth as a small hurdle after which their life will resume as usual, with their career picked up where it was left off..... Only to find that the world will have changed and they don't care as much about their career life anymore... Until after some time when the kids are more or less independent. (By the way, what if you have another kid(s) in short sequence?)
But then again, the strength of your reasoning at 6 months pregnant (when other ladies usually are a mixed bag of hormonal emotions) may be an indicator that you will keep being an iron lady postpartum, as well.
(by the way, parents vary widely on how they parent their children - from tiger parents to completely hands-off parents who wouldn't know the names of their kids' teachers or the kids' grades. Usually people don't get into each other's parenting business.... it's just not done. Imagine the mother of your stepson trying to butt in on how you should parent your own son. Maybe you will understand then just why it is not your place to try to change their parenting methods, - no matter how bad they may seem to you and me.)
The more you describe your husband, the more he sounds like mine - the live and let live type, more comfortable with things at hand, with being polite and immediately considerate, than wrapping his head around some remote financial matters or some big pictures. Comfortable with status quo and uncomfortable with change. The difference between you and me, though, that in this situation, I decided to change myself, rather than trying to change him. (They say if you don't like the situation, change your attitude towards it). This may not be solution for you, as I sense you are a more ambitious type, though I was, too, when younger. I changed to being more down-to-earth. We live in a rural area and I consider it half-retirement. In fact, when I had time to actually think of my life in the downtime when having babies, I found I had never liked the go-go-go style of life to start with. Large self-discoveries and such.
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I think she should take the great job for her and her daughter's sake.
