Is my husband too selfish? (children, pregnancy, college, advice)
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The OP made it seem as if getting this position is neccesary for your family, after reading further it becomes obvious that it's more an opportunity, a "dream" you'd like to pursue. Something that might help validate your education? professional experience? and independance as a woman. That's all great! and looks good on paper, and nothing is at all wrong with pursuing your dreams, but you have more than you to think about. You might argue that all you have been speaking of is what you want for your child, husband and stepson and I'm sure you want what's best for them all, but this move, it greatly seems is about you!
Did someone rate your husband on a low scale and you thanked them?(even though you stated you thought it should be a bit higher?) Don't allow anyone to disrespect your husband! In doing so, you, yourself disrespect him, yourself and your unborn child. For whatever reason, you chose to marry and bare a child with this man- whether there are or not better choices out there is a moot point! That attitude indicates that it doesn't matter who you married, if they're not in line with your thinking then they are selfish and must not love you
You stated that this situation is causing you to rethink your perspective on marriage? I think your perspective/attitude about this situation is causing you to view marriage as you do. You're going to have quite a few who would suggest you gotta do what's in your best interest and not listen to a man/husband. Is this advice coming from someone who is currently happily married who has faced a similar situation of compromise and growing?
If your husband was posting I'd tell him to do what it takes to fight for his marriage. He's not the one posting. Get over yourself, and fight for your marriage. Can you be a demonstration for your child and stepson that two people who have disagreements can work through them? It won't just come to you when you roll out of bed in the morning. Marriage is work, dear!
ETA: we cross-posted! looks like you're making some sense now.......
You knocked on my head hard AFTER I already figured all things out!! Where have you been earlier today!!!!! just kiiiiiding. It is great to get support on the titled subject so I can blame it all on my husband, but it is even better to hear opinions against me. I would rather believe I am the bad one who is causing problem here than I am the loser who married another loser who is only worth a 2 from a scale of 1 to 10. BTW, I did not thank him for giving my husband a low rating. I meant to thank him for simply responding to my post. It did make me question my people judgement skill for a second, but I knew whoever gave a 2 to my husband did not have all the facts. If my husband posts here, you will hear a totally different story. He was not granted his right to testify in this trail. I certainly hope he will never come across this forum.
A yoga teacher once told in a class that 'if you want to be loved, love first'! I will give my husband the benefit of the doubt this time. I will work on my marriage and make my sons proud of me that I can be both successful in my career and in my marriage. There are lots of hurdles to jump though since i failed to marry a guy from my planet.
I don't need to pay to see a counselor because this forum has lots of great ones. I may start another thread tomorrow with a million dollar question: how to make a stubborn husband less stubborn? Other than love him first, what else can I do? That is the key to solve all our issues.
Ni hao ma - my wife is Chinese and I am ashamed to say that is the extend of my Chinese vocabulary after 15 years of marriage! Ni hao! nothing to be ashamed of. It is hard for adults to acquire new language. We learn things thru conscious learning. We want to make sure everything we say is elegant and grammatically pristine. Kids in contrast just want to get their ideas across and understand others. That is why they can learn so fast.
Anyway, I wanted to offer a few thoughts about your dilema:
You and your husband absolutely should pursue custody of his son. Given the circumstances I believe you would prevail for reasons others have stated. The problem I see is your husbands "go with the flow" attitude. I don't know that you will be able to convince him to fight for custody as it is simply less hassle for him to leave things the way they are. Additionally, it will add to your financial burden. I already gave up on the custody issue, but after today's discussion and hear all the positive feedbacks, I will step up to make things happen. My stepson is at the age when he can absorb so much. I don't want to wait until it's too late. I do feel a strong connection with my stepson. It is just his current living situation that is blocking him from getting to a higher level. I told my husband once that his son is my soulmate and if one day things don't work out between us, I still want visitation right to his son. He laughed. I was serious.
Your husband and his son need to get away from the video game routine. They should be outside playing catch, riding bicycles, flying kites, roller skating etc. Not only would it be much better for his son, you will see this pattern repeated with your own child if his habits don't change. His son must get excercise and lose weight or he will go all through school being bullied. He's young enough to change his habits but his father must insist on physical activities regardless of what the ex does. This is gonna be a hard one. My husband, in my stepson's words, is an vampire - very hard to get him out of the house. When I took my stepson to swimming pools, most of the time his Dad stayed play video games. His sons may grow up before he does. I will do the best I can to get him out of the house to have more outdoor activities with the kids.
Your husbands attitude toward finances will sink your marriage eventually if he doesn't change. I know, I speak from experience. The ego needs to be set aside and he should invite your inclusion on maintaining a sensible financial budget. It was extremely painful for me but several years ago I let my wife take over our finances completely. Now instead of being 100k in debt we have a very nice nest egg that would have never happened if not for my wife. I had to completely change my spending habits but I did, otherwise my soon to be retirement would be impossible. How were you convinced to let your wife take over finances when it was painful? That is amazing and I am happy for both of you. But how did she do that? Can I buy her lunch sometimes?
Getting him to move would be the best thing he could do but I doubt it will happen. That you landed a job for him should convince him to go but he will use his son as the main reason not to move. Even if he didn't get custody of his son, sometimes you just need to man up and go. Again, ego and foolish pride are probably driving his actions more than his relationship with his son. For now, i will 'follow the flow' and focus on the new coming baby. I will contact the Indiana company next year to see if the offer is still on the table if by that time I decided I need to go, with or without my husband, depending on the then present situation.
I wish you the best with your decision and hope you can overcome the obstacles in your path to happiness!
I sincerely thank you for your kind and practical advice! This is the kind of marriage counseling I need - very constructive. I want to make it work. You outlined all the important ones I should start with. So THANK YOU! I owe you lunch too!
I read the last 5 pages and for the life of me I am wondering why your SO is behaving this way.
I will break it down as to what I mean…
1. You have an excellent career that could support your family and allow you to give your newborn child a good life, changes are not easy but often times necessary.
2. You appear to be a go getter, I can respect this 100%
3. You were trouble shooting on how to continue to bring in money and get ready for the new baby and this is honorable.
4. The fact that you love your SO’s child from another marriage and have valid concerns for his health and well being? Should be rewarded not condemned..
I will indulge you in a little fact, not a lot of new MOTHERS would readily accept a child from a previous marriage, trust me I am divorced and the last two g/f;s my ex has had have been *******!
IMHO, your SO and his ex should be damn grateful that you are a good, decent and understanding woman.
I cannot understand why your SO is so against a move that will mean a better opportunity and a better life for your family? It does not mean “forever” it means “For right now”
I get that he has a son from a previous relationship, well most of us haveto go through this whom have undergone a divorce..the decision is never easy but one does what is in the best interest of the family.
Separation? Is sometimes unavoidable..
My ex was military ( active) since he was 18. He is 41 now and still in the reserves and has been activated 3 times for 3 tours in Afghanistan lasting one-two years since he retired to join the reserves back in 2002.
That meant? He did not see our son but once a year for 14 days at the very most. Before that when we were married? He had 2 tours in Korea and he missed a lot of our son’s life but it needed to be done.
At least his son will have the option of coming to see you guys during the holidays and summer until there is another opportunity back at home.
One thing has me confused a little bit…
It was okay when he lost his job soon after you lost yours and relocating to China and England was the topic of conversation? Why wasn’t his son a point of concern at that time? Moving to a different state is a lot better than relocating to a different country, why was this okay for him to request this of you but you relocating to a different state so wrong?
This seems unbalanced in my opinion..It almost seems as if he sees his decisions to be more important than yours and this is not okay on any level.
The fact that you were so compliant to move with him because he is your SO and ready to leave the country to follow him a great sacrifice yet him doing the same for you all of a sudden has him raising the points of his son and how he is unwilling to sacrifice every other weekend with his boy?
The reality that you stated to him that your new company would make a position for him still was null and void and had him stating that you could leave and do this on your own and his only request was that you leave your child with him?
Giving up your child? Ridiculous and not even to be considered! I mean after all if he was so serious? Why does he not have custody of his other son or request it after he and his ex split up?
These are all scare tactics and unfair that he put you in this position so far into your pregnancy, shame on him!
I think what is going on here is a little struggle of power and control and he needs to have that power and control..
So whether you choose to leave or stay? Counseling should be sought out..
Bless you and your new baby and I wish you the best of luck!
How is being Chinese reason enough to give someone their walking papers? Jane I would suggest you and hubby go to counseling just as cozzy suggested and if he won't go then go by yourself. It will at least make you feel better. I wish you and baby good luck!
If you're wondering if you should take my advice, I will share this little info with you to help make up your mind, I am working on my PHD in Psychology and have a Masters in Counseling.
I read the last 5 pages and for the life of me I am wondering why your SO is behaving this way.
I will break it down as to what I mean…
1. You have an excellent career that could support your family and allow you to give your newborn child a good life, changes are not easy but often times necessary.
2. You appear to be a go getter, I can respect this 100%
3. You were trouble shooting on how to continue to bring in money and get ready for the new baby and this is honorable.
4. The fact that you love your SO’s child from another marriage and have valid concerns for his health and well being? Should be rewarded not condemned..
I will indulge you in a little fact, not a lot of new MOTHERS would readily accept a child from a previous marriage, trust me I am divorced and the last two g/f;s my ex has had have been *******!
IMHO, your SO and his ex should be damn grateful that you are a good, decent and understanding woman.
I cannot understand why your SO is so against a move that will mean a better opportunity and a better life for your family? It does not mean “forever” it means “For right now”
I get that he has a son from a previous relationship, well most of us haveto go through this whom have undergone a divorce..the decision is never easy but one does what is in the best interest of the family.
Separation? Is sometimes unavoidable..
My ex was military ( active) since he was 18. He is 41 now and still in the reserves and has been activated 3 times for 3 tours in Afghanistan lasting one-two years since he retired to join the reserves back in 2002.
That meant? He did not see our son but once a year for 14 days at the very most. Before that when we were married? He had 2 tours in Korea and he missed a lot of our son’s life but it needed to be done.
At least his son will have the option of coming to see you guys during the holidays and summer until there is another opportunity back at home.
One thing has me confused a little bit…
It was okay when he lost his job soon after you lost yours and relocating to China and England was the topic of conversation? Why wasn’t his son a point of concern at that time? Moving to a different state is a lot better than relocating to a different country, why was this okay for him to request this of you but you relocating to a different state so wrong?
This seems unbalanced in my opinion..It almost seems as if he sees his decisions to be more important than yours and this is not okay on any level.
The fact that you were so compliant to move with him because he is your SO and ready to leave the country to follow him a great sacrifice yet him doing the same for you all of a sudden has him raising the points of his son and how he is unwilling to sacrifice every other weekend with his boy?
The reality that you stated to him that your new company would make a position for him still was null and void and had him stating that you could leave and do this on your own and his only request was that you leave your child with him?
Giving up your child? Ridiculous and not even to be considered! I mean after all if he was so serious? Why does he not have custody of his other son or request it after he and his ex split up?
These are all scare tactics and unfair that he put you in this position so far into your pregnancy, shame on him!
I think what is going on here is a little struggle of power and control and he needs to have that power and control..
So whether you choose to leave or stay? Counseling should be sought out..
Bless you and your new baby and I wish you the best of luck!
Thank you for your advice and sharing your story! What you and your husband did was amazing! I am a true believer that in a relationship two people have to do what is the best for the 'team' and truly understand each other, at least try through communication, very often this requires one person to compromise for the other. My husband and I always have a communication issue although we love each other.
About relocating to England or China: at the time, he was talking about having his son spend a summer in Landon or Shanghai will be a great experience for him! Maybe Indianapolis is not as cool as those other places?! Now it is all about seeing his son more often. How can I ever win a debate if he keeps says the two same things: no Midwest and see his son often over and over again without giving any reasoning!? He refuses to sit down with me and list all the pros and cons for all our options and choose what is the best for the family. You said exactly the same thing as his mom said: he wants the power and control over me. His mom, dad and I tried to figure out my husband's rationale on certain things, it drove all of us crazy. Everybody loves him to death but says he is stubborn. He is not a team player.
People always say if you love someone you should accept who he is... If you ask me if I love him. yes, absolutely form the bottom of my heart. But do I love him unconditionally while watching him sinking our marriage and he doesn't even realize it? It is very hard to say. I cannot love someone 100% by giving up my principles.
My stepson was not from a previous marriage. But it doesn't change the fact that he is my husband's son. If he could live with us, I would be ok not having my own baby, but he doesn't. It is very easy to accept him in my life because he is a good kid with a good heart. Although sometimes it makes me want to walk away when I see things his parents do to him that I would never do to my child. But a step mom really doesn't have any power to make any major decisions for the kid. For example, his mom had been having issues with my mother-in-law for years. Finally after this summer, I was sentenced that I could never take the kid to see his Grandma anymore. I used to do that from time to time. My mother-in-law lives by the lake. I used to take my stepson there to swim during the summers. He had so much fun. But now because his parents have issues with my mother-in-law, I cannot do that anymore. I cannot understand why my husband and his ex use the kid as a leverage to hurt my mother-in-law who loves my husband and his son so much! This is another problem I have with my husband. He does not have the child's best interest in mind.
I have no intention to use my baby as a leverage to make my husband sacrifice anything for me. But he sure doesn't seem to be concerned what my stress level can do to my baby. I need to stop thinking about the words Indiana or Indianapolis. They make me sad. Not just because of the opportunity but also because how much I am worried about the strength of this marriage. You and your husband can have an ocean in between and still maintain a great relationship and raise a child together, but I have to worry about a 1.5 hrs flight between my husband and I may cause my son not having a father on daily basis.
This seems unbalanced in my opinion..It almost seems as if he sees his decisions to be more important than yours and this is not okay on any level.
... Giving up your child? Ridiculous and not even to be considered! I mean after all if he was so serious? Why does he not have custody of his other son or request it after he and his ex split up?
...
I think what is going on here is a little struggle of power and control and he needs to have that power and control.
I will be strict about my son learning Chinese. It is his heritage. My parents and I will teach him when he is young. Charlotte has a great language academy where I will send him to when he is 4 to 5. He will be able to attend the school for years learning Chinese for most of the time. Kids may want to go easier path and not want to learn another language. But this is something I won't compromise. My son is not even born yet. I already decided I am gonna be a tiger mom. He can thank me later!
Good luck with your plan. It's not that I am letting things just be, neither. My kids are going to live for a couple of years in my birth country with their grandparents, sponging up the language and the culture.
That also means they will be away from their father for a couple of years (I will be back and forth). There you go, life happens and decision like that happen. It doesn't mean the end of the world, the end of the marriage, separation or battle of wills. It's the mutual decision in the name of the kids's development and using an opportunity to their advantage.
How is being Chinese reason enough to give someone their walking papers? Jane I would suggest you and hubby go to counseling just as cozzy suggested and if he won't go then go by yourself. It will at least make you feel better. I wish you and baby good luck!
If you're wondering if you should take my advice, I will share this little info with you to help make up your mind, I am working on my PHD in Psychology and have a Masters in Counseling.
I was offended when I saw that comment and had a very strong reaction to it at first. But he later explained. I think he didn't mean it. In the past, I have had someone yelled to my face, in front of his a van full of kids, that I should go back to China. I also had people on the phone who as soon as sensed my Chinese accent said: sorry ma'am but I cannot understand what you are saying. In this country, some people are biased about Chinese only because they didn't have a chance to know any Chinese in person. If they do, they will change their mind.
I tried to make an appointment yesterday for marriage counseling but found out my insurance doesn't cover it. So I will start with general counseling and after I feel better and stronger I will try to talk my husband into going to a marriage counseling with me. For now, even if I schedule a marriage counseling it will be just myself going anyway. Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it!
He told me if he got custody of his son, it will totally destroy his son's mom. However he did let me call a couple of lawyers (i have legal plan because of my previous job) to evaluate his chance of winning. Nothing really positive came back. NC is a very conservative state on custody issue. Mom has the right by default. we don't have enough evidence to prove she is not a fit mother. About the weight issue, she can easily say the child was born big (he was born over 10 lbs), and he has been over 100 percentile for his whole life and its in his gens... So we put it on hold. When he told his son's mom that he wants to have temporary custody until they get their finance straight(the stepfather makes a salary that is just above the poverty line and they couldn't even afford rent and was chased out of the last place they lived. In winters when his stepfather has no work to do, they pretty much live purely off of the child support. They currently live in a house my father in law bought and they pay $200ish per month rent on it) his mom screamed and cried which really scared my husband off. We both agreed if we pursue custody, she will try every way to prep the child and lie in the court. The child has a tender heart and loves his mom. If the judge asks him where he wants to live, we both think he will say live with his mom. That is why we haven't taken any actions now. We don't want to choose the wrong battle. My husband doesn't handle stress very well. If we go to a custody war, it will impact his health and work performance. So I am hesitant to push although I do think we have enough evidence to make a case. My stepson is currently doing well at school with his grades.
My husband indicated to me that he would fight for custody for our child if we fell apart. I don't think he has a chance at all. he has no prove that I won't be a fit mother and he knows that. If he is not confident enough to win the war with his ex, he is definitely smart enough not to fight with me. I am not worried. It did hurt me and made me extremely mad when he said that, but I believe he said that just to pretend that he cares about his second son as well.
Last edited by Jane990775; 11-09-2012 at 07:42 AM..
Good luck with your plan. It's not that I am letting things just be, neither. My kids are going to live for a couple of years in my birth country with their grandparents, sponging up the language and the culture.
That also means they will be away from their father for a couple of years (I will be back and forth). There you go, life happens and decision like that happen. It doesn't mean the end of the world, the end of the marriage, separation or battle of wills. It's the mutual decision in the name of the kids's development and using an opportunity to their advantage.
It is great that your kids will spend a couple years with their grandparents to learn your native language! I am happy for them! I have a fiend who has two sons. She always spoke Chinese to them here. they could understand her but always chose to respond in English. My friend quit her job and stayed in China for 3 months with her sons. After they came back, the two boys started to speak Chinese all the time with her mom. Two years is plenty for a kid to learn reading, writing, and speaking another language. It will make their language acquisition so much easier for the rest of their lives after they come back. Bilingual kids are so cute and lucky!
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Don't allow anyone to disrespect your husband! In doing so, you, yourself disrespect him, yourself and your unborn child. For whatever reason, you chose to marry and bare a child with this man- whether there are or not better choices out there is a moot point! That attitude indicates that it doesn't matter who you married, if they're not in line with your thinking then they are selfish and must not love you
