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Thank you! I agree with every word you said. They are all true. I wish things can be more black and white so it is easier to make a decision. I admit I have been very 'soft' on him and let him do things his way. I thought that was my way of loving him. I am just trying to figure out what is the best way to handle this:
1. I can go quiet and accept his stubbornness by staying in Charlotte to have my baby and wait for the next opportunity. This may lead to a long time of unemployment for me and we will be tight financially. If I choose this route, I will definitely ask him to pick up some of my bills until I get a job. It will add to his debt I know.
2. Or I will stand up for myself to tell him I am going and taking my baby with me. He can visit us whenever he wants to. This may lead to a divorce and my baby will have to stay with him on weekends or summer.
3. Or try harder to persuade him to go with me and accept the offer with the same company. Going to counseling sounds like the first step.
Is placing the child up for adaption an option? I just couldn't imagine raising a child with a man like this, or sending the child for visitation often. If you are comfortable with being a single mother, I would suggest leaving and trying to obtain full-visitation rights.
Thank you so much for your advice!!! If consistent visit does make parenting more effective, then that is a legitimate reason to stay here. If my husband had told me what you just said, i would happily accept it. Also thank you about telling me how other people feel about Indianapolis. i didn't know that. I felt the city looks just like Charlotte when i had the chance to drive through it after my interview. Housing market is also very similar like Charlotte.
I do want custody of his son. there are so many things i wish and think I can help him with if he lives with us. I love his son. He is a very good boy with good manner which I do give some credit to his mom. But the fact that she doesn't want to do anything extra for her son even meet us in the middle so we can take him to a swimming class once a week for 6 weeks in a roll drives me crazy. She told her son she doesn't have money to register Him for a karate class but she turns around got a YMCA membership for herself so she could loss 40 lbs. She cannot see that her son is overweight and needs to exercise too. He stayed with us for two weeks last summer. I took him to the YMCA pool and cooked for him everyday. When he bragged about it to his mom, she went ballistic and told her son all I gave him was garbage. That hurt me a lot. I think the boy need different love, from his parents, grandparents and from his step mom. i don't understand why she is so threatened About my love. i would be thrilled if my son is treated like his step mom's (if there will be one) own son. If i do fear mu son would love another woman more than me, i will just find out why and strive to be a better mom. The boy accidentally told me that and he cried so badly because he said he promised his mom not to tell me anything. That is why I think staying away from his mom for a couple of summers is not a bad thing for him. My husband tried to talk about having custody for a little while with her. But she jumped up and down and cried like my husband abused her in a parking lot right in front of the kid. After that my husband never mentioned about getting custody anymore. I know it is the right thing for him to do but don't want to push to start a custody war because I think it should up to the boy and his parents to decide where he will live and going to court will definitely impact all of us especially the kid in a bad way. I did tell my husband whatever he does I will support him. Another reason I think my husband is too 'laid back' is if I saw my son overweight, I would have definitely jumped up to do something about it, but he tells me it's all baby fat and it will go away as he grows.
Ok, now the stepson's biomom sounds nuts (and you sound like a pretty awesome stepmom - that kid is very lucky). I'm going to lay bets that she LIKES her kid being fat - it means he's going to be more dependent on her and more socially isolated and she can probably bribe him with junk food. He really does need his dad as a constant presence in his life.
Seriously, I think couples therapy would be money well-spent. You guys need to determine what your goals and priorities are as a couple and parents.
Is placing the child up for adaption an option? I just couldn't imagine raising a child with a man like this, or sending the child for visitation often. If you are comfortable with being a single mother, I would suggest leaving and trying to obtain full-visitation rights.
No, I wont give my baby to anyone. I am not afraid of being a single mom at all. I will make sure he can grow up just fine without a father. I just hate to send my baby away to another house. I am sure he won't get a step mom as good as I am. Of course if things get out of control, I can take him and move back to China for good.
Ok, now the stepson's biomom sounds nuts (and you sound like a pretty awesome stepmom - that kid is very lucky). I'm going to lay bets that she LIKES her kid being fat - it means he's going to be more dependent on her and more socially isolated and she can probably bribe him with junk food. He really does need his dad as a constant presence in his life.
Seriously, I think couples therapy would be money well-spent. You guys need to determine what your goals and priorities are as a couple and parents.
His mom did use him to blackmail his grandparents for a lot of money and she succeeded (now they realized what kind of person she is and not offering money to her anymore). She gave her first son away when she was 16 because that boys father won't support the baby (that was 16 years ago). Now after I got pregnant, she told my step son that she gave her first baby away when she was pregnant with him because she loves him the best. I cannot imagine a bio mom would tell such lies to an innocent boy and who knows what else she has been putting into that little head. My mother in law told me when my step son was just a few weeks old, his mom put him in a chair to let him watch TV a lot so she doesn't have to hold him. He couldn't lift his head at that time. So his head was always tilted or falling down. She wouldn't even let my mother in law to hold him because she didn't want to spoil him in her words. It made me cry when I heard that story. That is why my step son had speech problem when he was younger. I wanted to go to his school to have lunch with him sometimes to meet his teacher and class mates. He told me he had issues with some students. They were kind of bullying him. But his mom always found excuses not let me go. I asked the child if he had certain event at school when school provided lunch as his mom said, his answer was always no. I trust the child for an honest answer. He was excited to hear I wanted to bring lunch to him. It gives my headache when i think about what kind of care the child is being provided. It is so sad. We give her mom a lot of money each month. But i think she uses it mostly as her income to pay for her own expensive cell phone plan, manicure, gym membership...
I know I will treat my step son just like my own son. We have a lot in common actually. I enjoy teaching painting and playing piano because he is very gifted. It only took me 5 mins to teach him how to play twinkle twinkle little star, the child version. He has no problem with remembering the notes and separating his fingers. He is at the age when he can learn a lot stuff very easily. He just need some guidance, discipline and a parent's time. When I took him to Monkey joes or the pool I was like a proud mom chasing after him to take pictures of him with my cell. I didn't feel like wasting time at all siting there for 2 hrs to watch him play and have fun. His own mom won't do any of this.
Yes, I am going to see counseling with or without my husband.
I think there is a bit of a cultural clash is going on: an ambitious woman from a disciplined ambitious upbringing (a shade of the Tiger-mom), and certain laid-back American parenting with an inverted value system (1. computer, 2.video games, 3. high-fat, high-calorie food ....8.swimming, 9. music). A woman who feels more comfortable when there is a plan for her family financial stability and a man who "goes with the flow."
No one has the right to grade YOUR marriage, Jane. It is of the grade that you, yourself, put on it. You are trying to respect your husband wishes, to the point of rejecting a job managing a $600K project. WHO on this thread has even got close to that in their careers?
Jane, many families live long-distance lives for a while, if that's what the circumstances dictate, and if both partners agree. For example, people working in far-away oil fields fly over there for a few months at a time. There are also "commuter jobs", where executives hop on a plane early Monday, and fly back home on Friday evening. As well as plain few years stints away, when the other partner keeps the hearth burning at home, so to speak (what you were thinking about, 2 years away, as well).
I actually feel bad for you missing that Indiana opportunity. As you said, your parents would come over and help looking after the baby. The project seems like a huge booster to your career. Is it possible for you to backtrack and talk to them again?
One wrinkle I see, though, is your reasoning that you wouldn't want your kid grow without a father, yet you are OK with his 8yo son growing without a father for 9 months out of a year (if your DH moved with you to IN).
On the other hand, divorced parents (and sometimes twice- or trice-divorced) have to make do with custodial issues from 2-3-4 marriages. That doesn't mean staying in one place for one set of children only. They have to be more creative than that.
His mom did use him to blackmail his grandparents for a lot of money and she succeeded (now they realized what kind of person she is and not offering money to her anymore). She gave her first son away when she was 16 because that boys father won't support the baby (that was 16 years ago). Now after I got pregnant, she told my step son that she gave her first baby away when she was pregnant with him because she loves him the best. I cannot imagine a bio mom would tell such lies to an innocent boy and who knows what else she has been putting into that little head. My mother in law told me when my step son was just a few weeks old, his mom put him in a chair to let him watch TV a lot so she doesn't have to hold him. He couldn't lift his head at that time. So his head was always tilted or falling down. She wouldn't even let my mother in law to hold him because she didn't want to spoil him in her words. It made me cry when I heard that story. That is why my step son had speech problem when he was younger. I wanted to go to his school to have lunch with him sometimes to meet his teacher and class mates. He told me he had issues with some students. They were kind of bullying him. But his mom always found excuses not let me go. I asked the child if he had certain event at school when school provided lunch as his mom said, his answer was always no. I trust the child for an honest answer. He was excited to hear I wanted to bring lunch to him. It gives my headache when i think about what kind of care the child is being provided. It is so sad. We give her mom a lot of money each month. But i think she uses it mostly as her income to pay for her own expensive cell phone plan, manicure, gym membership...
I know I will treat my step son just like my own son. We have a lot in common actually. I enjoy teaching painting and playing piano because he is very gifted. It only took me 5 mins to teach him how to play twinkle twinkle little star, the child version. He has no problem with remembering the notes and separating his fingers. He is at the age when he can learn a lot stuff very easily. He just need some guidance, discipline and a parent's time. When I took him to Monkey joes or the pool I was like a proud mom chasing after him to take pictures of him with my cell. I didn't feel like wasting time at all siting there for 2 hrs to watch him play and have fun. His own mom won't do any of this.
Yes, I am going to see counseling with or without my husband.
Ok, this is where I feel like I'm moving into meddling territory rather than just advising, but I've had firsthand experience with that kind of mother. My one ex had a child with a woman who had serious mental health issues, who did everything in her power to keep him from his child so she could maintain control over the kid. The child was severely damaged by her actions, and it really really wasn't pretty.
Please consider with your husband that the two of you should go for custody. This kid will lose NOTHING by having his mother's presence in his life reduced, but he would likely gain much. She's going to fight tooth and nail, but not because she loves her son so much - because he's something she can control and manipulate. Her kid makes her feel powerful.
Here's my idea, which you may want to explore: Go to counseling with your husband. Try to work on maintaining your skill set in your professional area and work your contacts. Freelance if it is possible, or maybe volunteer - it sounds like you are a very valuable employee and have a lot of opportunities if you are in the right place. Seriously consider (with your husband) getting custody of your stepson - with custody of him, there are fewer obstacles to moving elsewhere, and he sounds like he will have a much happier and healthier life. What's happening to him now in his mother's house is that grey area around clearly defined abuse - he'll never be removed by child services for his safety, but he WILL fail to thrive. If I were you, I'd table your more ambitious career plans for a few years to concentrate on getting your family to the point it needs to be at.
This is just how I would handle it - I've never been in your situation exactly though, of course.
I think there is a bit of a cultural clash is going on: an ambitious woman from a disciplined ambitious upbringing (a shade of the Tiger-mom), and certain laid-back American parenting with an inverted value system (1. computer, 2.video games, 3. high-fat, high-calorie food ....8.swimming, 9. music). A woman who feels more comfortable when there is a plan for her family financial stability and a man who "goes with the flow."
No one has the right to grade YOUR marriage, Jane. It is of the grade that you, yourself, put on it. You are trying to respect your husband wishes, to the point of rejecting a job managing a $600K project. WHO on this thread has even got close to that in their careers?
Jane, many families live long-distance lives for a while, if that's what the circumstances dictate, and if both partners agree. For example, people working in far-away oil fields fly over there for a few months at a time. There are also "commuter jobs", where executives hop on a plane early Monday, and fly back home on Friday evening. As well as plain few years stints away, when the other partner keeps the hearth burning at home, so to speak (what you were thinking about, 2 years away, as well).
I actually feel bad for you missing that Indiana opportunity. As you said, your parents would come over and help looking after the baby. The project seems like a huge booster to your career. Is it possible for you to backtrack and talk to them again?
One wrinkle I see, though, is your reasoning that you wouldn't want your kid grow without a father, yet you are OK with his 8yo son growing without a father for 9 months out of a year (if your DH moved with you to IN).
On the other hand, divorced parents (and sometimes twice- or trice-divorced) have to make do with custodial issues from 2-3-4 marriages. That doesn't mean staying in one place for one set of children only. They have to be more creative than that.
Thank you for you advice! You are right. I think there is a huge cultural difference between me and him. Probably more because how we were raised. He was raised by a father who wanted to control everything and wasn't nice to him mom. His mom is a great mom but she spoiled him. In my family, my mom was always the one more successful, earned more money and respect than my Dad did.
I made a typo. The project is worth of $600 million. It is exactly the type of work I have been dreaming of, like QA/QC, budget and deadline control on a variety of engineering projects that i have personally worked on and delivered before. So i know exactly what to look from from consultants submittals and know how much it takes to get everything done. The company gave me a month the consider the offer. When I found my husband was firm about not wanting to go with me, after a week of pondering, I turned the offer down. It was a very hard decision but i chose to be with my husband because i thought he is worth it. I was almost over with it and accepted peacefully that i will say in Charlotte wait for the next opportunity and have my baby, then yesterday they called me again saying they can hire my husband too. This is when the whole thing get started again. I am going to tell the company in a little bit that I will need a few days to think about it. Based on my husband's reaction last night, I am pretty sure he won't even consider talking to that company and I will have to take the baby to Indian with me. That is what I am still trying to weigh all the factors for.
My parent can only stay with me until end of June. Then they have to leave the country for 3 months before they can come back due to the visa issue. Even if they can stay with me all year round, I want them have their choices. They have their lives in China that they enjoy. I cannot ask them to take care of m baby forever. So the baby will have to be sent to day care.
I do admit it is a little selfish on my part to try to pull my husband away. It's either for him not seeing my baby on regular basis or not seeing my step son on regular basis. there is no good solution. I still believe staying with us for a summer will be good for the 8 year old. I will do everything I can to make it up for him during that 2-3 months. He will have fun with us. He is a very quick leaner on Chinese. I have no doubt he will be able to speak a lot of Chinese by the time he leaves. I can arrange for my parents to be here during the summer. My mother was a school teacher and she is super passionate about teaching kids. She taught my niece a lot of Chinese starting from 5 months. My niece could speak Chinese fluently and identify many characters when she was just 3 years old. My step son could barely make up a whole sentence when he was 4. What I am trying to say is my Mom can teach my step son lots of Chinese if they live together for a long period of time and he won't forget those words. So for two years, doesn't it worth it to give it a try?
Thank you for you advice! You are right. I think there is a huge cultural difference between me and him.
Why didn't you want to date Chinese men then?
Quote:
My mother was a school teacher and she is super passionate about teaching kids. She taught my niece a lot of Chinese starting from 5 months. My niece could speak Chinese fluently and identify many characters when she was just 3 years old. My step son could barely make up a whole sentence when he was 4. What I am trying to say is my Mom can teach my step son lots of Chinese if they live together for a long period of time and he won't forget those words. So for two years, doesn't it worth it to give it a try?
What makes you think that your step son's father and mother is interested or not agains his son learning Chinese? That's what you want. Is that what they want?
Ok, this is where I feel like I'm moving into meddling territory rather than just advising, but I've had firsthand experience with that kind of mother. My one ex had a child with a woman who had serious mental health issues, who did everything in her power to keep him from his child so she could maintain control over the kid. The child was severely damaged by her actions, and it really really wasn't pretty.
Please consider with your husband that the two of you should go for custody. This kid will lose NOTHING by having his mother's presence in his life reduced, but he would likely gain much. She's going to fight tooth and nail, but not because she loves her son so much - because he's something she can control and manipulate. Her kid makes her feel powerful.
Here's my idea, which you may want to explore: Go to counseling with your husband. Try to work on maintaining your skill set in your professional area and work your contacts. Freelance if it is possible, or maybe volunteer - it sounds like you are a very valuable employee and have a lot of opportunities if you are in the right place. Seriously consider (with your husband) getting custody of your stepson - with custody of him, there are fewer obstacles to moving elsewhere, and he sounds like he will have a much happier and healthier life. What's happening to him now in his mother's house is that grey area around clearly defined abuse - he'll never be removed by child services for his safety, but he WILL fail to thrive. If I were you, I'd table your more ambitious career plans for a few years to concentrate on getting your family to the point it needs to be at.
This is just how I would handle it - I've never been in your situation exactly though, of course.
Thank you for your kind words! It really helps me to get things straight. My plan is to either go to Indiana with my son after he is born or to start my own consulting business if I cannot find a good job in Charlotte. I don't want to just find a job. You are right, I need to be at the right place where I can use my skills to the fullest extend. I am not expecting to find a firm like the Indiana firm, but I don't want to settle when it comes to job. I think I have a good shot on having my own business. Plus, I can fill out my spare time doing interpreting and real estate which I also like. So things are really not bad if I stay in Charlotte.
I will see if I can encourage my husband to go to the court for custody. We already talked about it many times. He knows it is the right thing for his son, but in NC, unless you can prove the mom is abusing the child or she is using drugs, it is a hard battle. I talked to several lawyers already. We may be able to claim on her negligence to the child due to the weight issue. But the judge may simply just order to put the child on weight control program and we will pick up the bill. His mother will still be the primary care and has control about what to feed him everyday.
Personally I think your being way too hard on your husband. Last year, my sister and I both graduated college and she got a great job offer 6 hours away from where we lived. My parents nervous about her moving so far by herself really pressured me to move with her and how "great" it would be for us. Well as happy as I am for my sister and her great job opportunity that feeling only goes so far to smooth over how much I HATE where I live.
I hate the fact that I am no longer an hours drive from my parents and can't go home to see them as often as I want. Even when I went off to college I wanted to commute but my parents pushed the "college experience" and made me go into the dorms (where I was miserable), so I choose a school not too far and considered any weekend I wasn't home with my parents a weekend loss. Whereas one of my other sisters choose a school as far as she could while still in state (actually in the same city I live now) saw my parents only during breaks and holidays and was happy as a clam, then went even farther away for grad school.
My point is their are certain people who are just born to fly the coup and others who don't and trying to change them just doesn't work. Judging by what you said your husband seems to be more of my variety and I can tell you if your husband needs to have his family and son around then moving away from them isn't going to make him very happy. I don't think that makes him a bad person and certainly not a rating of 2, and I can't believe people are trashing him for just wanting to live near his family. You don't marry a 40 year old man who lived in one place all his life and think your going to come home one day and say "Honey I'm going to Indianpolis".
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