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I think this is a great post but for the last sentence. None of us truly knows anything but hearsay about the wife. She has not been able to come on here and say the first thing about her self.
We don't know that the wife isn't taking the kids to do constructive things and is just plopping her kids in front of the tv. Many of the young kids are emulating people from tv, whether it be from first hand watching, or from their friends.
She also may be the most God awful person. What we also don't know is whether the OP isn't also a God awful person. Of course he is going to talk highly of himself! He is here to complain about something his wife did!
I am not trying to talk highly of myself, I have done terrible things in my life, but the situation is complicated enough without adding the subtleties.
I think this is a great post but for the last sentence. None of us truly knows anything but hearsay about the wife. She has not been able to come on here and say the first thing about her self.
We don't know that the wife isn't taking the kids to do constructive things and is just plopping her kids in front of the tv. Many of the young kids are emulating people from tv, whether it be from first hand watching, or from their friends.
She also may be the most God awful person. What we also don't know is whether the OP isn't also a God awful person. Of course he is going to talk highly of himself! He is here to complain about something his wife did!
I dont think my wife is a poor role model. She doesn't just dump the kids in front of the TV and she is a good mother:
Sticks up for herself
Loving, caring, compassionate
Reasonable and open, never harsh
We don't spank
Takes kids to park
Does homework with oldest etc., etc.,
GOOD MOM STUFF! Her parenting has never been a concern, and our ability to communicate and cooperate as parents is a conscious effort on both our parts.
That's true.... I'm only going off unverified snippets from the OP about her child-rearing style. I will also admit my views are clouded by my often irrational bias against child TV watching and Disney pop stars/fashions aimed at young kids. I probably am pretty extremist in that area, so I've been told. I tend to try to fill my kids' head with overly academic/worldly things all the time (which is not always good as it can verge on Tiger Mom behavior lol). It's all about balance. Nothing wrong with childhood fun and camadary with friends. I have recently accepted my daughter's Instagram (though very closely monitored) - that's a big step for me.
We sound very similar. I have always enjoyed academia and it is difficult to see why others would not, because learning and experience are so intrinsically connected to life. I find that I have to be extreme about everything, and thats one of the reasons I may be having this relationship problem now. I cannot moderate how much TV I watch, so I don't watch TV. I cannot just run, I have to run a marathon. Probably a result of my crippling ADHD, to focus I have to hyper focus.
We sound very similar. I have always enjoyed academia and it is difficult to see why others would not, because learning and experience are so intrinsically connected to life. I find that I have to be extreme about everything, and thats one of the reasons I may be having this relationship problem now. I cannot moderate how much TV I watch, so I don't watch TV. I cannot just run, I have to run a marathon. Probably a result of my crippling ADHD, to focus I have to hyper focus.
I can relate. BTW, I have the same sentiments about going on vacation and people who fully participate in an experience vs. those who stand on the sidelines taking pictures. But I can also get too extreme and don't relax enough... don't watch any TV, don't eat junk food, only go on "learning" vacations, train for the marathon not the 5K (did that one too). That can be a problem (but one that can be balanced out nicely with the right person).
But this doesn't seem like the main problem in your marriage - the deception about pregnancy is. Despite all your personality flaws (we all have them), you did not deserve to be deceived like that. To be lied to. It seems only natural to be mad and resentful about the behavior, and hold it against her. These are understandable feelings. But you do not want them to fester. That is not a good way to live. She needs to make some changes and truly want forgiveness for her deception. She needs to be responsible for how her deception risks your marriage/your feelings toward her. You are defensive of her and point out her good qualities, which is a good sign. It indicates you still care about (hopefully love) her. Are you going through marriage counseling (I haven't read all 18 pages of this thread)? If not, I recommend it.
I am not trying to talk highly of myself, I have done terrible things in my life, but the situation is complicated enough without adding the subtleties.
Quote:
Originally Posted by readyjack
I dont think my wife is a poor role model. She doesn't just dump the kids in front of the TV and she is a good mother:
Sticks up for herself
Loving, caring, compassionate
Reasonable and open, never harsh
We don't spank
Takes kids to park
Does homework with oldest etc., etc.,
GOOD MOM STUFF! Her parenting has never been a concern, and our ability to communicate and cooperate as parents is a conscious effort on both our parts.
OK. So this is what I have been getting at. None of us are perfect, as were are only human. I am not against divorce, I am divorced!
It sounds to me like your wife has some good parenting qualities.
OP I am wondering if you are still in love with your wife. If the spark is still there. There seems to me to be something more than this pregnancy you do not want, she does not want, but she was not taking her birth control.
Many others have mentioned counseling, and I think it is a good idea. You both have to want it and be ready for it to do anything, IMO.
I don't suggest kicking her down the stairs.
You know I raised my kids pretty strictly on the academic side. I understand about that.
I just really have been getting the vibe that there is more to all of this. I don't know what it is. Are you attracted to anyone else? Is she, that you are aware of?
Deception on this scale crosses into divorce territory, imo. I'm not saying it would be automatic, but unless everything else in the marriage was amazing, it would be over.
In theory, I agree. In practice, I think divorce would cause more problems than it would solve in this situation.
I have not read every single post, but the bottom line, as I see it, is the marriage is OK (could go up or down), husband loves his kids and his wife (with reservations). He is committed to bettering the family and raising his children, and giving his, less than ideal, wife a reprieve...for now.
His focus needs to be on his children and achieving his goals.
Best case: Wife really only wants to be a stay at home mother, and will carefully raise their children to their standards, but will never become CEO of a company, and will probably be able to choose the best wine with dinner.
Worst case: She's a total f up and only wants to have enough money to get her nails done, hire a babysitter while she goes to the pool, and hire a cleaning lady.
Erm, I don't really have anything to say. I read about a story like this in a book some time back (family with three children now has another on the way even though they didn't plan to), but the mom was under so much pressure she suffered a miscarriage. If I were you, I'd be at least somewhat alarmed she didn't respect your decision to stop at two children.
I have some friends who were originally the second of 2 kids, but when the second one was 10-16 the moms had third and youngest children. Like JustJulia posted, all of them were also "daughter-daughter-son". It resulted in a strange dynamic where the girls were in their 20s with a brother in elementary school. That's a bit different since it was planned, though. My cousin's friend also had an older sister, but his mom divorced and remarried before he could remember. When he was a junior in high school, she provided them with another sister. Her own daughter's kids are barely younger than her lastborn.
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