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At the end of the day, we are the only ones who suffer by not fixing what is wrong. I can blame, blame, blame the "X" (bad parent, mean guys I've dated, etc.), till I'm blue in the face, and it can be 100% fair, but what good does that do me in day-to-day life?
His option is too fix himself in order to be happy, he can't go back in time and change things, you can't prosecute the parents, etc.
You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and health. It's the ONLY thing you have control over to change in these situations.
you can punish those who wronged you , deep down victims know its the only way to restore some pride
At the end of the day, we are the only ones who suffer by not fixing what is wrong. I can blame, blame, blame the "X" (bad parent, mean guys I've dated, etc.), till I'm blue in the face, and it can be 100% fair, but what good does that do me in day-to-day life?
His option is too fix himself in order to be happy, he can't go back in time and change things, you can't prosecute the parents, etc.
You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and health. It's the ONLY thing you have control over to change in these situations.
A friend just posted this on her Facebook wall:
Quote:
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."
His parents could be put on the front page of the next newspaper, as the worst parents of the year.
The OP would still have the same problems, nothing fixed.
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I am so sorry your parents were psycho nutjobs . Not joking.
I do not date people who don't have close friends, and I don't date people who need therapy but have not had it.
Completely separate from who I date, I think that you will be a much happier person, and have much happier relationships, if you take care of the therapy part and the friends part first. You are putting the cart before the horse to consider dating right now.
Dating is something you do when the rest of your social and emotional life is working well .
I have been married to my husband for close to 30 years. It doesn't seem that long. He was shy, did well at work and now I know he was emotionally (and some physical) abused as a child. It's not you - it's them. (The abuse stopped when my husband was 16).
I only found out that my husband's father had the same and much worse done to him as a child. Once my husband really knew that, it kind of helped him deal with those feelings. He is a wonderful father to our 2 children.
The next time your co-workers ask you to go out for a drink, go!! They are being friendly! Just be yourself. Seek out your own interests. Volunteer. Find something you like!
I would first start by not focusing on how others see you but how you see yourself. I think that your view of yourself might be deformed, from what you have said. People ask you to join them but you decline because you feel unworthy. I suggest you take some time to seek counseling. I if you have a faith (such as Christianity) many churches have councilors or a pastor can speak with you as well. If not I would seek out a reputable councilor or life coach and hash out all the things you see as being unworthy to others. From there you can see yourself in a more truthful light and open your life to other people. It would not matter if someone would date you right now, at this point even if you managed the courage it took to accept or initiate a dating relationship I think you might inadvertently sabotage it with your doubts or focus too much on what you find negative about yourself. I can understand where you are coming from. I had a less than stellar childhood and had to concur many doubts and still do at times of stress. It might not be something you will be completely free of but it is something that you can over come. And honestly, if someone choses to not be involved with you because of a lack of partners or exs there is something wrong with them. Really. And that isn't something you need to reveal to them early on in the relationship. It can be something you talk about after you have gotten to know one another and from there they should value you enough to not care and see you as something rare and special. Most people by your age have had too many partners and a line of exs. You don't have baggage from other relationships to carry into a new one. You do however have parental baggage and that is some of the hardest baggage to drop at the relationship door, so to speak. So, chin up. Have some courage and seek help and definitely know that your value should not be gaged by others. You will be in my prayers.
And also you have to have positives that are going to be attractive to people in general and women in particular. I've never heard anyone say, "well, he's kind of quiet and boring, but his employment history is spectacular."
I think there are girls out there who wouldn't mind quiet and boring. To be honest, they should love it, but due to lack of foresight, they usually don't. They can still do their exciting things with their girlfriends, enjoy a relationship (assuming that boring doesn't mean lacking compassion or enthusiasm in a relationship), and don't have to worry about the guy cheating on her.
Thank you all. Some of this is hard for me to accept, but I know it's true.
To answer some questions.
1. I have virtually no relationship with my parents. They made it very clear that they don't want anything to do with me. As in, they literally said that.
2. I have not tried therapy, partly because of the stigma around it. I would feel too embarrassed to go, or to admit that I saw a therapist. It's like admitting that I have a problem, and I can't bring myself to do that now.
3. Re: my social life. I really don't know what it's like to enjoy spending time with people in social settings. I was often forbidden from spending time with friends (well, people from school who asked me to hang out on the weekends) growing up. I never went to parties, never played sports. It was always school, then home. As I grew older I got a job working at a store, which at least got me out the house. A couple times I mentioned to my parents that some coworkers wanted me to hang out with them. On one occasion my father threw a glass at me and said that I wasn't worth anyone's time. I guess I just internalized that sentiment. I just assume that I'm not worth being around. I can't imagine having actual friends. The only things that have ever brought me any joy in life have been school and work. I was good student and at work I've been promoted several times (I work in an admissions office in a community college). I'm afraid that if I took my focus away from work, and directed it towards making friends and dating, then I run the risk of not only being rejected in social settings, but also seeing my work suffer. And then I might lose my job, and at that point life truly wouldn't be worth living anymore. I wouldn't be able to go on.
Sorry if this sounds like I'm a sad sack, but I'm just trying to be honest here.
Based on the story you're telling, you have nothing to lose. I don't think any rejection you get in the dating world could be as deflating as the life you have gone through thus far. That's the positive take on this situation, and thinking that way ought to help, though I know it's not easy.
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. Not joking.
.
From someone
