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Just because you're not looking for a life partner doesn't give you the right to lie to the person you're dating. No decent person does that to someone else.
I always feel such sadness and pity when I read comments like this. And caution -- back away slowly.
How awful, if everyone you have ever known has lied to you and manipulated you. And how dangerous for anyone to be around you, as long as you believe that is the only way humans can treat each other.
Jet, I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like you have a double standard for you and the guys you date. It sounds like, if you like a guy you stop even talking to other potentials, but you assume he is dating others.
I also think you are still missing the OP's point. He did not assume anything. She lied to his face.
You read that correctly, but I'm not sure it would be a double standard. I deleted my OLD account fairly quickly, he still has his up and he still logs on. We haven't had the exclusivity talk yet, so he's still free to date others as am I...I just have no interest in doing so.
Maybe I have far looser terms of what is lying and what isn't then. I don't consider what she did lying and if the genders were reverse I still wouldn't consider it lying. If I was dating someone and they said 'Oh, I'm going out with a friend tonight' and it ended up being a date I wouldn't consider that lying.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers
Agreed, I understand dating around and seeing different people if you're only going on a date or two, but once it goes past that and whether you are "exclusive" doesn't matter.
It's disrespectful to the person that you're seeing, it would tell me that you can't trust the other person.
This is one of the things I hated about dating, it felt like a game and there were so many rules and protocols that you had to follow.
It's really very simple. If you agree to be exclusive, neither part dates other people or sleeps with other people. If they do, they are cheating scum.
If you never agree (both parties, explicitly and clearly) to be exclusive, either party can, or chose not to, date and/or sleep with other people.
Super simple. Adults communicate honestly and clearly. No ambiguity. No grey area.
If you never agree (both parties, explicitly and clearly) to be exclusive, either part either can, or chose not to, date and/or sleep with other people.
.
That's the problem, that's not a typical part of conversation on the first couple of dates, this is the gamemanship of dating that I grew tired of.
I also went with the rule of, if I've been going out with someone after a date or two, I wont be going out or with anyone else.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlotte Panthers
That's the problem, that's not a typical part of conversation on the first couple of dates, this is the gamemanship of dating that I grew tired of.
I also went with the rule of, if I've been going out with someone after a date or two, I wont be going out or with anyone else.
No, you're right. It is not part of the conversation. Neither is entering into a committed monogamous relationship after a date or two.
There is no gamesmanship. If you decided that after a date or two that you wanted to date no one else, you are free to do that (I've never heard of such a "rule") if that is what you are comfortable with. If you wanted the other person to not date anyone else, you have the discussion.
No games. Adult communication. It makes everything easier and fewer feelings get hurt.
It's really very simple. If you agree to be exclusive, neither part dates other people or sleeps with other people. If they do, they are cheating scum.
If you never agree (both parties, explicitly and clearly) to be exclusive, either party can, or chose not to, date and/or sleep with other people.
Super simple. Adults communicate honestly and clearly. No ambiguity. No grey area.
I agree with you, but back to the point of the OP though, I don't think dating and/or sleeping with others should be done in secret.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
I agree with you, but back to the point of the OP though, I don't think dating and/or sleeping with others should be done in secret.
Well, I don't discuss who I'm sleeping with generally. It isn't any one's business other than the person I am sleeping with.
If I am in an exclusive relationship, of course that changes.
If I'm asked by a person I'm dating if I'm sleeping with anyone, I can either answer truthfully or decline to answer at all and deal with the repercussions like an adult. Not always a pleasant conversation, but a needed one if you want a dating relationship to work out.
These things are really quite simple. The problem is people are afraid to receive answers they don't like, so they don't ask the hard questions. Or they're ok enough with the status quo that they don't want to rock the boat.
Last edited by timberline742; 10-30-2013 at 02:51 PM..
I think the OP's problem is he ran out of ammo while the enemy was still charging. I've been there before too and it sucks. I think your feelings were hurt, because you were essentially left powerless. She gave you no option to decide if her arrangement was even ok with you. She made the decision, without acknowledging your feelings at all.
When dating, you have to get used to dealing with this. You don't know if you're the one and only guy or guy number five. You just hope that you both have chemistry to where you end up being the only guy. You can say she lied, manipulated you, or whatever, but the fact of the matter is you can't change her decision. She made it and without your feelings acknowledged at all. It sucks, but it's better to see her actions now, then when you're in a relationship with her!
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