Conflicts from Going to Bed at Different Times? (wife, marriage, guys)
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Me and my wife have been together a little over 3 years. For the first year and a half or so, we pretty much always went to bed together at the same time. However, things were simpler back then, she was just a student (not working) and I had a job with flexible hours. We usually would not go to bed till 2,3 or even 4AM sometimes. (I remember quite a few fun 1AM pizza runs!, lol!)
Anyway, in the last year or so especially, she started working a strictly scheduled job from 9-5 usually. Since then she realized she can't pull the late nights anymore and she usually tries to go to bed by 11, at least before midnight. Me on the other hand started working from home and have even more flexible hours than I did before. I still like to burn the midnight oil and stay up late, so this basically created a situation where we were constantly going to bed and waking up at different times.
Getting to the point, my wife expressed to me she gets really sad that we don't go to bed at the same time anymore, and misses sleeping together. She said it makes her feel lonely and sad. I definitely understand where she's coming from as there has been a few instances where I went to bed earlier and definitely felt sad she wasn't there as I drifted to sleep. However, I really love burning the midnight oil and find it difficult to force myself to bed early at 11PM when I want to accomplish so many other things yet.
Not only that, but sometimes I feel that those quiet nights are my most productive times of the day. The hustle and bustle of the daytime is gone, work is over, it's quiet outside, the pets and wife are asleep. I've found this a great time to burn through some of my online classes, work on personal projects, or just finally have some personal time to play through a video game, read a book, or pursue some of my other hobbies. By going to bed earlier with her, I feel like I would miss out on all this time to have some "me" time.
I also feel it's somewhat common for couples to sleep at different times. I hear many stories from my married friends and acquaintances of them doing the same thing as me. Staying up all night till 3AM or so after the wife and kids are asleep so they have some time to themselves. We don't have kids yet, but I can only imagine I'm going to want to burn the midnight oil even more once we do.
So I'm just curious to see what people think about this situation. Should I compromise and go to bed earlier even though I don't have too? It's been challenging to force myself to sleep early and also get up early, (especially when there is no need to) and it's also very easy to fall off the schedule. Burn the midnight oil once and sleep in and I find it impossible to fall asleep early the next day. My body and mind are simply not tired enough! Any thoughts, suggestions? How common or uncommon is it for couples to have different sleep schedules. Is this something that can be a major problem down the road or no? Like I said, I feel most couples I know go to sleep at different times. Would be great to hear new perspectives!
Not only that, but sometimes I feel that those quiet nights are my most productive times of the day. The hustle and bustle of the daytime is gone, work is over, it's quiet outside, the pets and wife are asleep. I've found this a great time to burn through some of my online classes, work on personal projects, or just finally have some personal time to play through a video game, read a book, or pursue some of my other hobbies. By going to bed earlier with her, I feel like I would miss out on all this time to have some "me" time.
You can go to bed with her at 11, then wake up at 4 or 5 for that quiet "me" time.
You are making the choice of whether it's important to be with her and connect again understanding she went out on a vulnerable limb and expressed her sadness to you or getting those classes and other things done.
Simply ask yourself - in years to come, what will you look back on and cherish the most. Her or those things you got done and your 'me' time.
At some point if you lost your wife for some reason, would you feel any remorse for not being with her when you could have or will you be content with all those hobbies and projects and 'me time'?
Don't get me wrong, "me time' is important and it's why I'm not living with someone now - I'm into my 'me time' and if I am not willing to sacrifice that for time with someone else than I shouldn't be with them.
My husband and I have different sleep schedules. He goes to bed around 10:30 and he's up at 5:30. I don't need quite as much sleep so I go to bed around 12:30 and I'm up at 6. I also find I'm very productive when everyone else is in bed. That's typically when I grade papers, do my planning or read.
However, on occasion he'll ask me to come to bed. He knows I won't sleep, but he doesn't mind me doing those things next to him while he's sleeping.
Why does there need to be a hard and fast rule. I think you can go to bed with her sometimes, and sit up at others. Maybe I've been married too long, but it would feel clingy to me if my spouse "needed" me to come to bed at the same time as them every evening. Another option is to take your book, work, etc. to bed with you, so you guys are at least in close proximity. We don't lose our separateness when we get married.
I don't agree that you both need to go to bed at the same time every night but you could a few nights per week. You need to ensure that you have that emotional connection every day with her, the kind that you get from laying in bed in the dark, chatting about whatever until you drift off. If you spend the evening apart, or at least not bonding in any way, that will create an emotional distance that is exacerbated by her going to bed alone. I think it's the connection that matters most, rather than just sleeping side-by-side. YMMV.
Split the difference, go to bed with her part of the week. Sleeping together is a form of intimacy, whether or not there is sex.
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Wow my husband and I don't sleep in the same room anymore! I wish we did, but after 20 years, his snoring and my sleep apnea neither of us sleep well!
Do what is best for the both of you. Would it really hurt you to go to bed with her? No, it is a small compromise. That is what a long term marriage is about.
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