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I honestly think people should just do what works for them and what they feel comfortable with. It's usually better to do that, because then you attract a like minded person. That's really all it takes. I don't think there's really a right or wrong.
Oh, please. When women go nattering on about how sex is some precious, precious thing and how they would never, ever have it outside of marriage, and how a man must prove himself worthy of it, it implies that they think the ol' snatch is some miracle to behold, like some Holy Grail, and only a knight of the bravest and rarest order could ever hope to glance upon it and fill it with his hot wine of love. You and a few others have gone on about it. It's gag-inducing, to be honest with you. Sorry, but no one's genitalia is all that. Plenty of good women around who don't play such priggish, prissy games. Then y'all wonder why a good man is hard to find. The women who enjoy sex have them all.
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Originally Posted by Molli
I've NEVER thought that good men are hard to find. I've never had a problem finding and having relationships with good men. As a matter of fact, I am dating one right now.
I'm with Molli.
It has never been my experience that good men are hard to find. Ever.
And I enjoy sex immensely (can't believe I'm openly saying that on a public forum, but what the heck. ).
BTW, I don't think I've ever read any posts on CD by women saying that they would never have sex outside of marriage. Are posts like these common and I've just been missing them? (that's an honest question).
What's with this 3 dates nonsense? When I was dating, I used the 12 hour rule. If I liked someone, I had sex with them after spending 12 hours with them. This could be on date one or date 6 or 7 depending on how long each date lasted. I took my stop watch with me to make sure I had sex with them at the 12 hour mark exactly - whether we were in the car, in a restaurant, walking around campus, etc. At 12 hours, I dropped trou and did the deed.
BTW, I don't think I've ever read any posts on CD by women saying that they would never have sex outside of marriage. Are posts like these common and I've just been missing them? (that's an honest question).
I won't, but it has nothing to with any sort of pride filled assumption on my part that I'm God's gift to all men and he better be grateful for waiting LOL. It worked fine for me when I found my first husband and I dated some wonderful men in college and just out of college. I've just started dating again -- a year after he passed --- and finding that it is still very easy to find good men.
I think this is the initial thought of young women (virgins) before they are tainted by the ugly truth of dating. That ugly truth being if they don't put out, the man can get it easily somewhere else.
I agree with Ruth, a woman holds out for her own self-preserving reasons.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
What the heck is being "preserved"? Both sexes can get attached to people they sleep with, and both sexes have had sex bring them closer to another person... and both have had experiences where it doesn't work out (people dump them right after). I had it happen this past spring, sucked, but she either wasn't into me or didn't like the way we had sex and decided to move on. Oh well. That's life!
The only self-preserving reasons I could think of is fear of her own lack of good judgment or fear of what society or her deity will say. If you're a good judge of character, you don't live in a small town in BFE, and you're not prone to listening to preachers who wave books written by and for men and letting them shame you for being sexual, you should be able to determine whether a man is a decent human being. And even then, you still run the risk of being duped by a sociopath--and that can happen even if you wait until marriage.
STDs are a concern, but that's why you talk before you jump in, and you have the safest sex you can. No method is 100% safe other than complete abstinence. You could wait some arbitrary amount of dates and the condom could still break, or he could be carrying an STD like one of the bazillion strains of HPV and not know it. Unwanted pregnancy? Use spermicidal foam or gel with the condom. If he has some kind of uber sperm that gets through all of that, call Planned Parenthood.
It does take strength, confidence, and eyes wide open to jump in. But what's the alternative? Fear? Shame? I've been through a couple of frightening scrapes of the date-rapey variety, back in my 20s. So what? I'm still here. That which doesn't kill me, etc. I can't let that traumatize me for life. If anything, it helped me learn and grow, because now I know the signs of a scuzzbucket, and above all, I've learned to trust my instincts.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
It does take strength, confidence, and eyes wide open to jump in. But what's the alternative? Fear? Shame? I've been through a couple of frightening scrapes of the date-rapey variety, back in my 20s. So what? I'm still here. That which doesn't kill me, etc. I can't let that traumatize me for life. If anything, it helped me learn and grow, because now I know the signs of a scuzzbucket.
The alternative is people often keep emotional and physical barriers up in the name of protecting themselves, and they stay emotionally non connected and cry about there being no good people out there and why can't the find someone. Sometimes they use "morality" as part of this shield. Finding love takes emotional and physical risk.
(And Lilac, you're on fire in this thread today, nailing it 1000%)
It's amazing the medical technology they have to prevent/lessen transmitting of STDs and prevents pregnancy (or deal with it after), and you can always ask/get proof of medical history.
what medical technology? You mean condoms? They don't prevent the spread of STD's 100%. Proof of med history? So you're ok with displaying the results of your latest blood test on your wall, or carrying a copy in your wallet, in case she asks for it? Not all guys would be ok with that.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
And so what that I'm stronger? That doesn't even register. If were dating and going to have sex, what does that matter? I mean, seriously, what is this living in fear stuff? People watch too many crime dramas. After hanging out awhile any woman with a bit of a clue is going to know if the guy is a total piece of sketch. I mean seriously, a woman is going to think I want to have sex with him, but he's stronger, so I should have sex with him? How does that make sense?
I seriously would not want to date anyone that was afraid of me. Super not fun or hot. Shoot, if I was sketch and I did anything inappropriate the women I know would belt me and I'd deserve it!
Many women always have at the back of their mind that a date could go wrong. That's one reason they wait until they feel comfortable with the guy, however long that may take. It has nothing to do with crime dramas. (Some of us don't even watch TV.) It has to do with life experience and/or observing our friends' lives. In Seattle, one woman meeting a guy from OLD for a museum date was assaulted in the middle of the museum, and ran screaming out the front door, her date in hot pursuit. A guard stopped him, and called police. There have been several cases of women dating from Match who, after dating a guy a few times, ended up dead. This happened to someone in my friend's church group.
These are only the extreme cases. There are many lesser transgressions that happen more routinely. But it's because of such cases that the OLD site urge women to meet first for a coffee date. That's for safety purposes. Whether you like it or not, women, to some extent, are afraid of you. At the very least, they have a "proceed with caution" reminder up in the back of their minds. They may be looking forward to seeing you, but they know that people aren't always what they seem, and that it's important to be a little guarded. Not all women. But the majority.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 03-26-2014 at 12:31 PM..
The alternative is people often keep emotional and physical barriers up in the name of protecting themselves, and they stay emotionally non connected and cry about there being no good people out there. Sometimes they use "morality" as part of this shield. Finding love takes emotional and physical risk.
If someone were to count the posts on this site about people complaining that there are no good people out there, I'd guess the vast majority of those posts would be from people who have had sexual relationships with many many partners. Having sex really has nothing to do with an emotional connection for many people - its simply a physical release.
It happens enough that people write on C-D about it. And in my younger days, when all of my friends and I were single, we actually had a joke about it. "Finally, we got to messing around, and...mwah-mwah-mwah MWAAAAAHHHHH..."
That right there was why I stopped playing the waiting game. Got let down a few times, myself. Not worth it. Three, four dates max. If it doesn't happen by then, I'm just not that into him.
I can't remember the last time I waited more than three dates. My 20s. In my experience, if someone likes you, and you get along and have common interests, sleeping with him early isn't going to matter. He's going to stick around because he likes you and you have fun together.
I think it's kind of ridiculous the way some people act like their vaginas are some precious bar of gold worthy of security on the level of Fort Knox. It's sex, not signing over your house, bank account, and eternal soul. Crikes.
Yep.
More than 2-3 dates over a period of a couple weeks? Not happening. My husband and I were together even before our actual first date, and we had sex on the second "official" date. No way were we waiting any longer.
I want to know early on if I'm sexually/intimately compatible with someone.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
For most adults this is the case. Oh, I've met a few (and read a few) on this site that say "If I'm really attracted to them, we can work through the issues" or if "I really like him, the sex can't be bad".
But that is absolutely a minority among adults. If you're attracted to the person, you have sex with them to determine if there is potential. If it doesn't work you might give it a couple of chances... still doesn't work? Goodbye. Life is too short for sub par sex.
I've been in a LDR situation, and when it came time for physically intimacy, well, it left a lot to be desired, but then I could just be picky. It wasn't "bad" sex, but it wasn't my style, and I even felt that way after we closed the distance and lived together. The sex was just off, and was a letdown for me.
And some can see the emotional wrecks, the confusion and bitterness that prevails among many women who allow their bodies to be nothing more than a vessel with man after man after man, all the while telling themselves how important it is to get the sex very early on in a relationship. That is why many women choose to hold off - they don't to become one of them.
Unable to rep you again, Molli.
I don't understand why it's so hard to understand that a woman would feel an inherent need to protect herself emotionally and physically.
We don't live in a traditional culture in which fathers, brothers and male cousins openly protect the interests of their female family members, so I figure, if I don't take care of myself, who's going to?
Incidentally, in many ways, I WISH I could feel comfortable having sex early on, or having casual sex. I really, really do. But I simply don't.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 03-26-2014 at 01:30 PM..
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