Hey all, thanks for reading this post. Me and my significant other have been together for over a year. One of the things that attracted me to him was how he interacts with people; he is very likable, assertive, the soul of the party and makes as well as keeps good friends easily. He has a lot of female friends- probably even more than male- and they like to confide in him.
Unfortunately, it makes me feel insecure and occasionally anxious about the relationship. I do realize the importance of keeping all kinds of friendships, and I am trying not to be clingy, but there are some things I think that a couple should prefer doing together naturally, one of them being vacationing together.
However, recently he told me he was making plans to go visit two of his female friends abroad in Italy. He had met them on an exchange program and has been keeping in contact ever since; they are friends, and a while ago the girls came to visit him (I was away) - and they had a road trip, having a great time, where he was showing them around the country. They even stayed in one hotel room together to reduce the costs. Now when I asked about why he has not even considered asking me if I would like to come along to Italy, he gave me the following reasons:
- that they want to practice a foreign language I do not know together (not true, I know they communicate mostly in English)
- that couples should do things separately sometimes
- that he does not think I would enjoy it (not true, I love that country!)
- that the girls would find it strange if he brought me along (I do not know them personally but I am pretty sure I'd make friends with them if I had the chance)
- it would make him miss me more (occasionally we live together)
- that it is ok for him to go without me because he is looking forward to visiting my home country with me before that (but for me it is more about seeing the family,and not having fun travelling and exploring that I'd enjoy doing if I went to Italy). I really wish we would travel abroad and have fun together, which we haven't done before.
I am uncomfortable about his close relationships to females, although I do not think he would cheat. He is encouraging me to make more friends (I am in a new location). If I were in his shoes, however, I would have asked my partner to come along and introduce him to my friends. That's why his choice puzzles me and seems unfair, especially since it is not a 'guys only' trip. His reasons do not really make that much sense to me, except that we would miss each other more; I have a feeling he has not told me the real reason.
Could it be that after all he is not really ready to be in a serious relationship? I moved to be with him and it seems I am the more affectionate one. I am more ready than him to make a serious commitment, to even consider starting a family. Not only that; I found out that a few months into the relationship he was unsure if he was ready to be with me and got involved with a female friend who knew me (kissing and fondling). I almost left him because of it, but ended up forgiving on the terms that he never contacts her again (he was not truly sorry about it, and could not understand why I wanted him to stop talking to her, for they were 'just friends' now)- seems he is susceptible to emotional infidelity to say the least. Or perhaps I am not enough...
At first, I tried not to think too much about his vacation plans, but it seems that it does bother me subconsciously, as I just had a really bad dream that I could only explain by making an association to this anxiety.
On one hand, I understand the need to maintain one's identity and integrity when in a couple, as previous heartbreaks taught us both the hard lesson. But then again, how do you hold back when you love, as a close relationship requires vulnerability? And how do I get over this issue of him and his female friends? I do not want to become the 'drama queen'. Do I accept it and work through managing my anxiety (that would probably involve me booking a trip with my male friends for a childish revenge
) and self confidence, or should I demand of him to respect my feelings- or rethink the relationship?
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