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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
It's a given that we enter into relationships so we can get something out of it. Sadly, the whole selfless movement has turned that into something evil. It seems we are supposed to exist solely for the benefit of others in order to be deemed good people. It's bullshizz.
Still, there is no need to make a point of it. Again, it's a given. So, to start the acquainting process with "What's in it for me?" is off-putting. Anyone with half a brain knows you have to benefit. My response would be that it depends on what you're bringing to the table. I have lots to offer. You may or may not get it all.
This is really what I was getting at with this. Of course I would not verbalize the what's in it for me question.
In regards to the bank account analogy, if the person had cancer, the assumption would be that this particular partner has brought great joy to your life (i.e. made many deposits in the account) while you were together. If the person treated me like crap for most of the relationship, the thought probably would probably cross my mind whether or not to stick it out with them. You're right in that it's not about keeping a 1-for-1 tally. But the bank analogy was a pretty neat concept of the way it actually works in reality.
You sound like a very idealistic type of person btw. No offense. I've just noticed that you use a lot of idealistic concepts in your posts. I think that's why we don't agree on a lot of things.
Really? Show me where I'm using idealistic concepts. Here's why I have a problem with your bank account analogy. It's overly simplistic. I see that a lot on this forum. Guys who don't have a lot of relationship experience trying to boil relationships down to a formula. In answer to the OP's question, I said that the only thing I expect to receive from a relationship is happiness. But that's not idealistic nor is it simple. In fact, it's quite complicated. What makes me happy today may not be what'll make me happy a year from now. And what makes me happy in a relationship may not be the same as what makes you happy. There's no formula to it, no matter how much you and some other folks here want there to be. Relationships are far too complicated for it to come down to each person making enough deposits.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
It's a given that we enter into relationships so we can get something out of it. Sadly, the whole selfless movement has turned that into something evil. It seems we are supposed to exist solely for the benefit of others in order to be deemed good people. It's bullshizz.
Still, there is no need to make a point of it. Again, it's a given. So, to start the acquainting process with "What's in it for me?" is off-putting. Anyone with half a brain knows you have to benefit. My response would be that it depends on what you're bringing to the table. I have lots to offer. You may or may not get it all.
No, it doesn't seem like that at all. People don't enter in relationships to get something. They enter into them because they've come to the conclusion that a relationship will make them happier than they currently are, which is also why some people just stay single. Because they've concluded that they'll be happier that way. No one is telling you to be completely selfless in a relationship. In fact, people are encouraged to speak up and tell their partner what their needs are, especially if their partner isn't fulfilling those needs. When I start a relationship with someone, I don't ask myself what she brings to the table. This is not a business deal. It's only when I'm not happy that I'll start to ask what's missing and whether she's not doing enough. And a lot of times, it has nothing to do with what the other person is or isn't doing. In this thread, we saw someone make a bank account analogy about both people making equal deposits. But what if you discover the other person is making all those deposits, but you're still not happy? I've been in relationships like that. I'm sure some of the folks here who've been married have been had marriages like that.
Asking "what's in it for me?" Is it really that bad?
Yes. It's a BIG turnoff. The guy I dated for 5 months essentially told me that. His execution in telling it to me was extremely poor.
Compared to my husband when we were dating, he just gives, gives, gives. But that's who he really is. Not only to me.
And that's what separates the married men to unmarried men.
That guy who I call the group on coupon guy and ultimate cheapo, last time I checked, he's still on POOF.
That is a strong assumption you have there. For all the giving that your husbands does do you reciprocate in any fashion at all or do you just take take take?
I wouldn't ask such a question up front or early on and yes giving without expecting anything in return sounds sweet and nice but consider this:
-What if over the course of a relationship, one person is putting in all the effort to make it work.
-They have made all the sacrifices and compromises.
-Meanwhile the other person really isn't putting any effort in.
-They haven't made any sacrifices or compromises for the other
-They are not considerate of the other person's needs and feelings
-Basically this person has done absolutely nothing but take, take, take and has given nothing in return.
Is this the picture of a healthy relationship? I would say in the eyes of most people no and yes it does really happen so I would have to think for the person who is doing all of the giving and none of the getting will at some point ask "what's in it for me cross their mind"
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