Asking "what's in it for me?" Is it really that bad? (dating, Christian)
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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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One thing I've heard a lot over the last few days here is it is very selfish to approach a relationship with a "what's in it for me" mindset. I have to wonder, why should relationships be any different from any other aspect in life where before you do something, you ask what you are going to get out of it for the price of whatever the hell you are giving up?
I feel with that statement, I'm being asked to cast aside ANY self-interest for the sake of "love" for another person and being asked to put up and tolerate whatever for another person. I feel that I should have the right to feel in a functioning relationship, I'm getting something out of the effort I'm putting into it and I should have the right to leave a relationship if I'm not feeling I'm getting enough of a rewards for what I'm putting into it.
Sometimes you have to be selfish, and selfishness isn't a bad thing. But by choosing to enter into a relationship, you're agreeing that your thought process has to shift from "all me" to "at least sometimes us".
Walking up to your partner and asking "what's in it for me?" is bad form. However, you should ask yourself that. What benefit am I getting from our relationship? How is this relationship making me feel? Is there a good balance of give and take? Those are all very important. But they're important for you (the generic you, not accusing you of anything, dissenter) to ruminate on.
But if you're getting into a relationship with an expectation of being "rewarded" for things you're "putting up with", you're also doing it wrong. Sometimes that give-and-take balance is off. Sometimes it's off for a long, long time due to things that are outside of anyone's control. Relationships require sacrifice, and it's just the nature of the world that sometimes, someone is sacrificing more than the other.
One thing I've heard a lot over the last few days here is it is very selfish to approach a relationship with a "what's in it for me" mindset. I have to wonder, why should relationships be any different from any other aspect in life where before you do something, you ask what you are going to get out of it for the price of whatever the hell you are giving up?
I feel with that statement, I'm being asked to cast aside ANY self-interest for the sake of "love" for another person and being asked to put up and tolerate whatever for another person. I feel that I should have the right to feel in a functioning relationship, I'm getting something out of the effort I'm putting into it and I should have the right to leave a relationship if I'm not feeling I'm getting enough of a rewards for what I'm putting into it.
Thoughts?
I think it's ok to consider what's in it for you, but you should also consider what's in it for her.
the best relationships are when both partners ask what can i do for you? what makes you happy? in every relationship though you sometimes do have to ask, what is in it for me? but the time to ask is not as the beginning of the relationship, but rather later on as the relationship settles down into a routine of, why am i always the one putting out? why am i not getting anything back?
but then you also need to ask, what am i putting out if i am not getting anything back?
One thing I've heard a lot over the last few days here is it is very selfish to approach a relationship with a "what's in it for me" mindset. I have to wonder, why should relationships be any different from any other aspect in life where before you do something, you ask what you are going to get out of it for the price of whatever the hell you are giving up?
I feel with that statement, I'm being asked to cast aside ANY self-interest for the sake of "love" for another person and being asked to put up and tolerate whatever for another person. I feel that I should have the right to feel in a functioning relationship, I'm getting something out of the effort I'm putting into it and I should have the right to leave a relationship if I'm not feeling I'm getting enough of a rewards for what I'm putting into it.
Thoughts?
Clearly no one should stay in a relationship where they are not happy - no matter the reason. However, if you approach every possible relationship with a "what's in it for me" perspective, you won't ever have to worry about it.
I don't understand why one wouldn't initially ask "what's in it for me?" at a subconscious level
Why would you date someone who offers you no "reward"? I don't mean physical or material, but isn't the beginning of a relationship one big question of "what does this person have to offer me?"
Presumably you're dating someone you find attractive and fun to be around - you know, someone you enjoy being around and who ADDS TO YOUR HAPPINESS. That's really what's in it for you in any relationship - they should add to your happiness. If they don't, I can't imagine why you would date them.
I doin't think there's anything wrong with asking that question. Time has value and only becomes more important as time passes on. I believe the question becomes more important the older we get. In my early 20s, I never thought much about what am I getting out of this relationship. It was fun and we were both having a grand ole time getting to know each other. As you age you see things in a very different light. You may have kid(s) through a previous relationship or have a career path that doesn't allow you to accept someone with a criminal background, even if it's just a misdeameanor. Everything in a sense continues to become more real till we breath our dying breath. So, during lifes trials and tribulations, we tend to ask more often what am I getting out of this person, activity, friend, etc.
One thing I've heard a lot over the last few days here is it is very selfish to approach a relationship with a "what's in it for me" mindset. I have to wonder, why should relationships be any different from any other aspect in life where before you do something, you ask what you are going to get out of it for the price of whatever the hell you are giving up?
I feel with that statement, I'm being asked to cast aside ANY self-interest for the sake of "love" for another person and being asked to put up and tolerate whatever for another person. I feel that I should have the right to feel in a functioning relationship, I'm getting something out of the effort I'm putting into it and I should have the right to leave a relationship if I'm not feeling I'm getting enough of a rewards for what I'm putting into it.
Thoughts?
Nope, that isn't it at all. Your impression of that statement is false.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Presumably you're dating someone you find attractive and fun to be around - you know, someone you enjoy being around and who ADDS TO YOUR HAPPINESS. That's really what's in it for you in any relationship - they should add to your happiness. If they don't, I can't imagine why you would date them.
^^^^^This.
If you are looking to date and have a relationship, you are looking for a connection with someone where happiness and love can flourish, sometime to spend time with, share with, get to know, bond together. A healthy relationship has both people adding to the happiness of each other and the relationship and the giving and taking just naturally flows. As Jrz said, that is what's in it for you.
1) Mirror gods image - God’s first purpose for creating man and woman and joining them in marriage was to mirror His image on planet earth. Center your attention on those words, mirror His image. The Hebrew word for “mirror” means to reflect God, to magnify, exalt, and glorify Him. Your marriage should reflect God’s image to a world that desperately needs to see who He is. Because we’re created in the image of God, people who wouldn’t otherwise know what God is like should be able to look at us and get a glimpse.
2) Complete each other and experience companionship - Scripture clearly outlines a second purpose for marriage: to mutually complete each other. That’s why God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). Adam felt isolated in the Garden, and so God created woman to eliminate his aloneness. Writing to the first-century church in Corinth, Paul echoed the teachings in Genesis 2 when he asserted, “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Think of it like this - the man alone is the hardware and he needs the software (woman) to form a complete team in life.
3) Multiply a godly legacy - A line of godly descendants—your children—will carry a reflection of God’s character to the next generation. Your plans for children may still be in the future, but if He gives you a child, you will be in for an amazing adventure.
Sacrifice is necessary in life and you do it in small ways everyday (going to work rather than sitting @ home doing whatever). You shouldn't be asked to sacrifice everything to be in a relationship, but you should make some sacrifices to ensure that your relationship succeeds.
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