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Some of the younger women who post with problems don't stick around long-term. The guys do, though. The older contingent, both male and female, are here mainly to help. The in-betweens, the 30-somethings, do a bit of both: advising but sometimes posting questions.
Help? Since when has anyone under 25 listened to anyone over 40?
The way a woman carries herself is a big deal. A woman can be above average in attractiveness but not very approachable, and so probably doesn't get asked out all that much.
Super hot, she's going to get approached no matter what, but that's a small minority.
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Originally Posted by jillabean
That's kind of what I was getting at with my shyness earlier. Me being shy was uncharismatic and I had no luck with men in my 20s. Now that I am personable, I have more charisma and better luck. I am the same person, look pretty much the same (but am older--and look older) but have better luck now and that's really the only factor about me that changed (that matters for dating anyway). That factor is important... and can be critical.
I know a few guys like this. One of my best friends, actually. He just sits and plays games all day, then watches porn. The sad thing is, he's a better looking guy than I am, and in better shape too.
I get like this sometimes. It can go on for months - then I'll get on a kick of working out, lose 20 lbs and date for a while. Then when we break up, I'll gain the 20 lbs back by eating pizza and beer and going home and just hanging out.
The difference is that I work. Hard. But after work sometimes all I wanted to do was go home, watch a movie, go to bed, and not worry about how I'm going to handle the woman in my life at the moment.
It was a lot of work for me. I tend to be tenacious, so that helps. People thought I was cold and "witchy" because I was shy. I knew that wasn't true and I decided to change things. What I did was just force myself to start talking to people, look at them (not my feet)... I'd talk about anything. I'd get really nervous and my heart would pound... I wanted to run, but I *made* myself do it. I also forced myself to look at people's faces and smile at them (which was hard for me too). I set goals to talk to X amount of people a day/smile at everyone I met, etc. In time, it got easier and easier and I relaxed. Now I am extremely personable and people think of me as outgoing and friendly. My true personality (which was bottled up for years) is now on the surface.
Yep. When I was a teenager and young adult, I was pretty shy and socially insecure. I would NEVER start a conversation with some random person, because ohmygod, what if they didn't want to talk to me and responded snottily or rudely?? I was very thin-skinned and preferred not to put myself in the position of potentially being rejected most of the time. Avoiding being embarrassed and shot down socially was of optimum importance. If people approached me first, or drew me out, then I'd jump in and be as chatty and outgoing as anybody, but I NEVER made the first step, ever. Just was phobic about being rebuffed, so I never presented the opportunity for that to happen.
Then, at some point or another, it was brought to my attention that somebody I knew marginally had an impression of me that I "thought I was better than everyone else," which was her incorrect interpretation of my being quiet and keeping to myself unless reached out to first/given social cues to join in. The girl wasn't right about me, but I also was making a bad choice by refusing to interact until somebody else made the first move. So, over the years after that, I worked pretty hard at being more friendly, and approaching others versus waiting to be approached first. That meant growing a thicker skin, and shaking it off when people are rude and DO rebuff you, or DO look at you like you have three heads for being friendly and initiating an interaction. It also helped me read people better, and not take it so personally if somebody was rude, and to recognize that if somebody IS rude to you, it's about them, not you.
I also feel like I finally got to be myself when I finally was able to stop thinking it would be the end of the world if I was friendly to somebody and they, horror of horrors, weren't friendly back.
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