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How old is he? Sounds very immature and selfish so why are you still with him? Why is it so hard to dump him? I don't get that. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?
After being married twice and having roommates many more times than that, my personal feeling is that you can't get another person to do anything they do not feel is important.
He may feel it's not important to clean because he is an inherent slob so it doesn't bother him to live in a garbage heap, because he is passive aggressive and he knows you would like him to help around the house, or because he is lazy and knows that if he can hold out long enough, you will do what needs to be done.
The reason he won't help you doesn't matter in the least, because it is only an outward sign of the fact that he does not care enough about you to provide you with what you need from him in order to feel cared for and appreciated. In my experience, the one thing that will get someone to do something they don't personally feel is important is if they feel you are important enough to them that they want to do it for you. That is obviously not the case here.
My advice would be to tell him you need him to move out because you are exhausted and you see that your well being is not as important to him as having a full time housekeeper--and that you will keep the dog until he finds a place where it can stay with him (and be prepared to keep the dog a long time).
Maybe trade services with a friend, you walk the dog or cat sit and they help you clean your house?
You CAN kick him out but keep the dog, he can go to a shelter or flop on a couch somewhere. It appears he wants to live in a landfill so he can go and do that out of your home.
It is not being cold hearted, it is taking a giant step into the reality of the situation which is, he does not want to keep the place clean and he will not change to appease you.
Get over your pride and ask someone to come in and help you at least for the first get everything round, then try to keep it up after that.
Reread my second post, I have one close friend who lives over an hour away. Everyone else I know are just co-workers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bellakin123
I was going to ask the same. All the gaming and laziness sounds like maybe they're in their early 20's (but I could be way off).
And how does the house get trashed with just 2 people?
Sorry, I'd kick him out, dog or no dog. Give him 30 days to leave if he feels it's acceptable to live like that and not lift a finger.
By him not doing anything.
He works monday-friday, leaves at 730 (with our neighrbor who he works for) and gets home at 6. He could easily clean for an hour or two and still have time to relax. I work 5 days a week with rotating days off(never the weekends tho) and I leave at 845 and don't get home till 10 and I usually have to turn around and work that same shift the next day so my days off are the only time I have to clean, so for 5 days a week the house is never cleaned and I never can get it done in those two days because there is so much to do. It was managable before the accident but he let it go completely during that time and I haven't been able to recover it since.
It's a PS4, I wouldn't sell it, I'd keep it, its awesome. I payed for it anyways.
The dog legally is his, I couldn't do that either. We have two dogs anyways and the other is mine.
This right here shows exactly where your priorities are.
Ignore what I posted above and I hope you are prepared to continue to live in a landfill.
[quote=1986pacecar;36429069]How old is he? Sounds very immature and selfish so why are you still with him? Why is it so hard to dump him? I don't get that. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?[/quote]
I was looking at pictures of us from back home and we used to get a long a lot better. I mean we've had rocky points in the relationship but nothing to the point where I haven't wanted to be around him.
We used to go do things, we had our own activities we could go do. Things we're never this bad.
Like I said when we moved out here we were still doing fine, then I got my current job and went from working part time to well over full time and he and I started fighting. He was angry I was gone all the time and I was at him as well. We both have jobs where we work 40+ hours. Now I have an added 1 1/2 round trip commute to the store I am at now (not the one I started at). We never see each other. He has Sat and Sun off and I work 830am-9pm sat and 10-7 on sunday and my days off vary during the week.
He could still clean when he got home from work and on his days off but to him that's his rest and relax time not cleaning time.
He does care, he says he care but his actions rarely show it.
There's been little affection, we barely even have sex, I've pretty much been the one to cut that off because you can't have your cake and have sex with it too.
As far as support goes I get very little of that from him. He just doesn't seem to get it... Like he's had one crazy life as a young adult and nothing phases him. I guess he always thinks I am overreacting. He said he's had times where he COULD have died or someone gotten hurt from irresponsibility. However something having the potential for a bad situation to happen and something bad actually happening are two different things. He tells me stories like he got so drunk one time at 20 and mixed pain pills and he could have died and was lucky nothing bad happened. Well thats totally different from smashing into a 4dr massive ford truck going 50 and having to be pulled out of your car in extreme amounts of pain then taken to the best damn hospital in south to have a 7 hour emergency surgery to keep from being paralyzed. That's totally different.
You two started fighting even before this crisis? Fighting because you lost your together time, due to opposing work schedules? Then the accident put an added strain on the relationship?
The marriage obviously is going through a tough time. Sometimes these things can be overcome, if a change in work schedule can eventually be worked out. But that wouldn't resolve his lack of support for you. One thing I've noticed is that some men just don't deal with other people's illness well, whether a friend's or an SO's. Due to some sort of deep-seated issues of their own, they're not able to open up, be supportive/nurturing, and go the extra mile. They're just not wired for it. It seems like this crisis has revealed a fault line in your SO's character. You're finding out more about who he really is, and it's not someone who's a good match with you. He's not going to transform into a different person, and start cleaning and happily helping you out. That's how I see it.
First I tried to be funny and put sticky notes on his trash and laundry piles. Then I yelled at him. Then I put a CHORE board on the fridge. Then I compared him with other guys to make him appreciate how EASY his life is. Then I had cute guys come in the house and do HIS work to make him feel ashamed, which he wasn't.
Nothing but empty promises and half hour fights over a 3 minute task. Not worth it.
Then I did it all myself and we had peace for a few years but only because I didn't work.
He told me to go back to work and I said he needs to at least do MINOR stuff at home for me to be willing to work. He agreed. It didn't happen. I had to kick him out.
It took me 7 years and a few broken play stations later to realize that I really don't need such a lazy piece of ... in my house.
OP, there is nothing you can do - you already had the worst case scenario, you are sick and need his help and he didn't do it. He will be even less likely willing to do it when you are feeling better again.
Do you really wanna grow old with a person who doesn't give 2 Cents about how you feel and doesn't do anything to help you?
You need to ask friends help in this. Its a situation in where you have to ask help from others, you cant do it on your own. Ask them help to clean, and, then, after cleaning all the mess, kick him out.
Seriously, he is an adult, currently working, its not like he will become a bum. Kick him out or your life will continue being chaotic.
How old is he? Sounds very immature and selfish so why are you still with him? Why is it so hard to dump him? I don't get that. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?
I've already essentially dumped him.
We have separated finances. We do not share money anymore. I have another bedroom set up, we sleep in separate areas for the most part.
I just can't put him out on the street. We're 1100 miles away from home. I told him he could stay and save up money to leave or he can be part of a relationship and we don't have to do this crap.
I was married to someone like this. He was a slob and not just a slob like leaving clutter around - a slob that made unsanitary messes. We agreed it would be his job to take the trash to the dump (there was no trash pick up). I can't tell you how many times we got maggots in our garage from the trash piling up in the summer. I worked full time and it was exhausting trying to keep the house clean with zero help. If your boyfriend really cared about you he would have stepped it up with you being down and out from your injuries. The point of being in a relationship is to have someone that supports you. What positives are you really getting out of this relationship?
The truth is there's nothing you can do to make your boyfriend help you clean. You were in an accident for crying out loud and he still wouldn't help! I would give him a couple weeks to find a new place and then he's out of there. I really wouldn't care if he doesn't have anywhere else to go or doesn't know anyone else. This situation is miserable for you and he's not even trying to make things better.
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