How can I get him to help clean (boyfriend, married, guys)
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To make a long back story short, my boyfriend(kinda ex right now) and I moved out of state together, a long ways from family. I think this move has been the downfall of our relationship(but that's another story).
Now, 4 months ago I was severely injured in a car accident. Broke my L1 vertebrae, chest and foot, ICU for a week and had to have surgery. 6 weeks in bed at home. He stayed home during my recovery. He did nothing, I barely had clean clothes, I had to beg him to do laundry, the dishes piled up. He fought me on helping me shower because he didn't think I needed to shave and I didn't want to be all hairy (I was miserable enough).
I'm currently a lot better, still having a lot of back pain, body isn't the same, I am back to work but I suffer a lot of depression and frustration from the effects the injuries have had on my body. I've been begging him to get on the same page as me, I've been begging for help. Not whining, straight up begging. Like "the house is awful please help me clean I can't do this alone" type begging.
The house is completely trashed, it is always a mess, he still never cleans, I spend my days off from work cleaning, at work I clean all the time. I am exhausted. I don't sleep very well anymore due to the back pain, I am always dead tired and in pain and yet I still can manage to do more than he can but it doesn't even put a dent in the crap that needs to be cleaned. All of our dishes are currently dirty and have been for more than a month, laundry is sitting in baskets or piled in a chair or on the couch. I NEED help. I can't clean this all alone.
As soon as I was medically released to go back to work 6 weeks after the accident, I did. I went back to working full time. We fought so much during my recovery(over the not cleaning or doing anything). I didn't want to be here. I work between 42 and 50 hours a week then on my few days off I clean and try to get the house looking nice.
I recently have told him I need a break, I can't cope, I can't deal. I've told him he doesn't respect me or this house and that until he starts acting like the other half in this relationship, we are not together. He gets mad and says he wants to be with me, he moved here to be with me and I simply tell him then help me out. Then we just go in a circle until I can't take anymore and go spend the night at my grandmothers. We have separated finances and I even moved the other bed in the house into the living room as a second bedroom for me and I sleep in there most night. I'm serious. I will do it alone rather than keep pulling both our weight.
All I want is some help around the house. I'll spend my entire day of cleaning and he'll come home and trash it with the trail of mess he leaves coming home from work. Then will tell me that I've barely cleaned at all. He refuses to do anything at all. Wait, he'll go mow the lawn, that's about it and then talk about how hard he worked on the lawn that day. We have a ride on mower, its more fun than work.
I just recently got the opportunity to go to Cali for 10 days, I leave the 13th and return the 22nd. I know the house is going to end up worse off than it is now with me gone and that I am going to come home and return back to the mess and fighting.
Its just gotten to the point that today I wake up, go to make something to eat and the kitchen is trashed and instead of cleaning I make myself some food and come and sit and write this. I have ptsd like symptoms to a degree still from the accident, I am always anxious and I look at every room and I just know how much work is required to make it look nice and clean and I get overwhelmed, like honestly want to cry. It straight up makes me feel like I am about to have a panic attack. I am so tired of having to be so strong and push myself day in and day out without any support or help. I may be a strong person but I am getting so sick of this. I have trouble bending, lifting etc. If I am pun intended going to keep breaking my back working hard everyday and never enjoying a day off then he can too.
I'm half tempted to hide the playstation controllers to the playstation that I bought him a few months back until he helps me put a dent in some of the filth. It's the first thing he'll do when he gets home is play on that damn thing and do nothing.
And to the questions/suggestions I know are to come.
No I can't hire someone to help me clean, no extra funds.
Can't just end it completely and kick him out, he'd be homeless with a dog. I'm just not that cold hearted. He doesn't have anyone to stay with either.
The one best friend I managed to make moved back home and now lives an hr and a half away plus I am too ashamed to have someone over to help.
And again besides my grandmother who is 75 and doesn't get around easy neither one of us has family.
What are the good sides to the relationship? Does he give you affection and moral/emotional support? Before the accident, what were the reasons for you two staying together? Until you two settle this matter, would you be able to afford a few hours of cleaning service/week, like a 1/2 day?
Get treatment for the PTSD. Look for psychologists who offer a treatment called EMDR. That should clear it up in a few sessions. From what you say, it doesn't seem like he cares about you. But we don't have the whole picture. I think you're right to do a partial separation for now, so as not to add to the stress.
I'm half tempted to hide the playstation controllers to the playstation that
I bought him a few months back until he helps me put a dent in some of the
filth. It's the first thing he'll do when he gets home is play on that damn
thing and do nothing.
I am at a loss.
seriously? Sell the playstation, kick him out (keep the dog) then use that money to pay someone to come in a clean.
You should not have to beg an adult to do something as basic as keeping the house clean.
What are the good sides to the relationship? Does he give you affection and moral/emotional support? Before the accident, what were the reasons for you two staying together? Until you two settle this matter, would you be able to afford a few hours of cleaning service/week, like a 1/2 day?
Get treatment for the PTSD. Look for psychologists who offer a treatment called EMDR. That should clear it up in a few sessions. From what you say, it doesn't seem like he cares about you. But we don't have the whole picture. I think you're right to do a partial separation for now, so as not to add to the stress.
I was looking at pictures of us from back home and we used to get a long a lot better. I mean we've had rocky points in the relationship but nothing to the point where I haven't wanted to be around him.
We used to go do things, we had our own activities we could go do. Things we're never this bad.
Like I said when we moved out here we were still doing fine, then I got my current job and went from working part time to well over full time and he and I started fighting. He was angry I was gone all the time and I was at him as well. We both have jobs where we work 40+ hours. Now I have an added 1 1/2 round trip commute to the store I am at now (not the one I started at). We never see each other. He has Sat and Sun off and I work 830am-9pm sat and 10-7 on sunday and my days off vary during the week.
He could still clean when he got home from work and on his days off but to him that's his rest and relax time not cleaning time.
He does care, he says he care but his actions rarely show it.
There's been little affection, we barely even have sex, I've pretty much been the one to cut that off because you can't have your cake and have sex with it too.
As far as support goes I get very little of that from him. He just doesn't seem to get it... Like he's had one crazy life as a young adult and nothing phases him. I guess he always thinks I am overreacting. He said he's had times where he COULD have died or someone gotten hurt from irresponsibility. However something having the potential for a bad situation to happen and something bad actually happening are two different things. He tells me stories like he got so drunk one time at 20 and mixed pain pills and he could have died and was lucky nothing bad happened. Well thats totally different from smashing into a 4dr massive ford truck going 50 and having to be pulled out of your car in extreme amounts of pain then taken to the best damn hospital in south to have a 7 hour emergency surgery to keep from being paralyzed. That's totally different. It's like he's trying to compare apples to effin pokemon cards.
seriously? Sell the playstation, kick him out (keep the dog) then use that money to pay someone to come in a clean.
You should not have to beg an adult to do something as basic as keeping the house clean.
It's a PS4, I wouldn't sell it, I'd keep it, its awesome. I payed for it anyways.
The dog legally is his, I couldn't do that either. We have two dogs anyways and the other is mine.
And to the questions/suggestions I know are to come.
No I can't hire someone to help me clean, no extra funds.
Can't just end it completely and kick him out, he'd be homeless with a dog. I'm just not that cold hearted. He doesn't have anyone to stay with either.
The one best friend I managed to make moved back home and now lives an hr and a half away plus I am too ashamed to have someone over to help.
And again besides my grandmother who is 75 and doesn't get around easy neither one of us has family.
Maybe trade services with a friend, you walk the dog or cat sit and they help you clean your house?
You CAN kick him out but keep the dog, he can go to a shelter or flop on a couch somewhere. It appears he wants to live in a landfill so he can go and do that out of your home.
It is not being cold hearted, it is taking a giant step into the reality of the situation which is, he does not want to keep the place clean and he will not change to appease you.
Get over your pride and ask someone to come in and help you at least for the first get everything round, then try to keep it up after that.
First I tried to be funny and put sticky notes on his trash and laundry piles. Then I yelled at him. Then I put a CHORE board on the fridge. Then I compared him with other guys to make him appreciate how EASY his life is. Then I had cute guys come in the house and do HIS work to make him feel ashamed, which he wasn't.
Nothing but empty promises and half hour fights over a 3 minute task. Not worth it.
Then I did it all myself and we had peace for a few years but only because I didn't work.
He told me to go back to work and I said he needs to at least do MINOR stuff at home for me to be willing to work. He agreed. It didn't happen. I had to kick him out.
It took me 7 years and a few broken play stations later to realize that I really don't need such a lazy piece of ... in my house.
OP, there is nothing you can do - you already had the worst case scenario, you are sick and need his help and he didn't do it. He will be even less likely willing to do it when you are feeling better again.
Do you really wanna grow old with a person who doesn't give 2 Cents about how you feel and doesn't do anything to help you?
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