Stuff men do to prevent rape (young, friend, responsible, serious)
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I don't and have never known any guy who would rape someone. Quite frankly I find the constant fear of it insulting.
It's not a constant fear, at least not from all of us. I know how to protect myself if the issue arises, but I don't assume every man is going to rape me. I'm a rape survivor too, but that's one person out of the thousands of people I've known in my life.
There really was no need for this thread to even be created. Rape has nothing to do with relationships, and the OP knows better.
NillaJones, I'm not sure what your point is here. The vast majority of men would never rape someone. Some of your posts seem to imply malice toward all males because some of us have committed a horrible crime. Perhaps I misunderstand the tone of your post.
Having said that, I do have a story. Last year, I was riding the light rail in San Jose, and there was this psychotic/drunk guy there. The way the light rail units are laid out is that there is a raised platform with some seats, then a level platform with empty floor space where the doors are, then more seats. A picture might help: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...l_interior.jpg
Anyway, so I'm sitting on the upper platform and the psychotic/drunk guy is on the lower part. He tried to take a woman's purse, she pulled it away before he could, and he said "I'm sorry I didn't know". An army veteran sitting across from the woman -- I knew he had been in the Army because I had overheard him saying so in the past -- glared at the psycho/drunk guy. But a couple stops later, the Army guy got off the train. The psycho guy changed seats, to sit behind another woman. He stroked her shoulder with his finger. She turned around and glared at him. He leaned back in his seat. The woman got off the train at the next stop. Then another woman near him starts to leave, and he tries to follow her, but she runs off the train before he can get close, and he doesn't follow.
Finally, the only three people on this unit in the train are myself, a woman, and the psycho guy. The psycho guy starts speaking nonsense to the woman, saying that she can't leave the train. She gets up as we approach the next stop, and he moves closer to her. This time she wouldn't have a chance to run, as the train is not stopped, so I stood behind him and put my hand on his shoulder and told him "that's close enough". My other hand was up in the configuration we were taught in Taekwondo when I did it in high school (like a boxer's stance). He turns around and glares at me, but then sits down. The train stops and the doors open. The woman runs out, and the psycho runs after her, following her onto the street. I run out as well, past the psycho, so I am between him and the woman. She stands behind me, and he resumes his psychotic behavior, screaming that "if you don't get out of my way, I'm going after both of you!". So I assume the Taekwondo stance (boxer stance), ready to use martial arts for the first time since using it against bullies in high school. Luckily, I didn't have to; he flailed his arms a bit, took a couple steps closer, then decided to go back in the light rail train.
Myself and the woman explained what was going on to the light rail train operator, and he closed the doors of the train so the guy couldn't get out. He said he had already called the sheriff, who was on the way to arrest the man. The woman said to me "thank you so much, that was really scary". I didn't know what to say ("it was nothing" or something like that didn't occur to me) so I didn't really say anything. She turned around and walked to the other side of the train from me. When the train left, she was gone.
So if a guy's friends are vocal about saying, "hey man, not cool," rather than being afraid of cockblocking him, then that goes a long way in changing attitudes and behavior.
I think some of that does happen, but never in the circles I hung around with.
In fact, a couple of my buddies in college (circa 1992 when this happened) beat a rapist who raped a girl we knew within an inch of his life. I only wish I could have been there to participate.
I think some of that does happen, but never in the circles I hung around with.
In fact, a couple of my buddies in college (circa 1992 when this happened) beat a rapist who raped a girl we knew within an inch of his life. I only wish I could have been there to participate.
That's how date rape happens, dude. Try checking in a little more.
My point being, I am not stopping every three seconds and asking permission: "Is this ok? Can I do this? What happens if I do this, are you cool with it?" That is a one way ticket to being like these lonely souls on the forum who constantly post whiny threads about "why can't I get a girl?" Be respectful for sure, but be a man and just go for it!
I worked part-time as a volunteer in a Rape Crisis Center and created administrative meetings for the directors to meet with persons in official capacities in the community. I was given a broad education on language (rule of thumb and ma'am) and the autonomy of the individual. I walked in a number of protest meetings in NJ and CA. I wear a number of shirts calling forward attitudes and actions that are despicable. I have completed multiple evaluations for persons in my professional pursuits - a number of persons with diverse disorders were also victims of rape and molestation and I was able to quickly and efficiently identify them. I have empowered a number to seek help from longer-term resources, including the local rape crisis centers and women's health organizations. I have seen this happen to women, men, and little children, after the fact and after a discussion. For many, being able to discuss this topic is cathartic and brings them to another level for seeking help for themselves. I speak out regularly about misogyny and sex roles. I call rape for what it is, every time; let the courts call it otherwise, but I will call it rape - one is an individual standard and the other passes a legal standard. And rape crisis centers offer services after the court cases have been completed, whether the perpetrator is guilty or released. Many women are disempowered by ignorance and ongoing victimization and a lot of men put themselves in other men's place by thinking they would do the same, to the freedom of the real criminals. Sex is a secondary gain for a person engaged in a power trip like rape. Rape is an act of violence and it is taking something of another's by force, every time. There is trust, innocence, safety, and the reverberations felt through families, friends, and across generations. I have had older women talk about their violations like they occurred yesterday. Chilling details, each and every time. It takes a lot of trust for people to talk, but people will talk when they can trust another and that person shows integrity and respect.
I believe it is a woman's right to say no each and every time. When I am in synch with a partner, I may pursue but she will stop long before we get there. There is everything right about doing everything else until she is ready, and time may be an element if a dry spell goes on for a week, but waiting a few days is worth it. Equality in a relationship means both people can say yes and both can say no, and when the time is right, both can make each other deliriously happy. There is freedom, liberty, and reciprocity in a superior intimate relationship. With sexual assault/rape, there is violence. The easiest way for a guy to understand is to ask if someone could 'sheath' a dull knife is a dark, vulnerable spot on their body or to imagine an intrusion from a baseball bat. Once they get that, they understand the difference between volition and acceptance, violence and coercion.
Man most people don't have time for all this garbage. One night stands can totally happen without having 45 pages of release forms.
Men, what have you done that you are proud of? How did you head of bad situations involving other guys? What do you do, yourself, to make sure all sex is enthusiastically consensual?
Things I have been impressed by:
A lot of guys (probably every one I have dated) wait for the woman to initiate the first kiss, and to move things forward. Of course, this would not work for some women on this forum! But I think it works for most women IRL.
I was once on a long car trip, for work. It was me and two men, we all worked in separate units, none of us new each other before the drive. After a couple hours it became clear that one of the guys was pretty out there. At the next gas stop, the other guy offered to drive, and got weirdo guy up front with him, and me in the back. He kept weird guy talking and distracted for the rest of the night. And that guy got stranger and stranger, let me tell you. When we got to our destination, instead of all getting out at once he offered to drop strange guy off where he was headed (a separate part of the worksite). I felt kinda rescued .
And I'd like to see a heck of a lot more support for men who are raped by women. It happens. I know of guys. And the reaction they get is kind of like what a guy in another current thread here got when he tried to talk about how he wants a relationship and the woman he is dating doesn't. Complete invalidation of their feelings, and a lot of dictating of what they should feel -- e.g. you should be happy. I'd like that to change. Men should be allowed to have feelings, too. Including the feeling of being violated, and of wanting freedom of choice and sovereignty over their own bodies.
Some interesting ponderance here. I'm a bit more intrigued to comment on the latter part of the OP however. Verily, a LOT of men, I among them, have experienced the quashing of male individuality and of male emotion and feelings. In my case my now VERY ex had a vindictive and hateful sense of female entitlement. Nothing ever accomplished in our 17 years would have happened without her being in control, and the blood , sweat and tears I poured out meant nothing.
I heard the mentioned adage SO many times I almost started to believe it; "You should be happy, why can't you just be happy?!" Ummm...yea..its that easy. When a guy gets treated as an appendage, and no more than a means to the furtherance of satisfying a sense of entitlement, happiness can be ...elusive.
Men are raped and violated in non sexual ways in alarming numbers. That the assaults are not sexual (though sex may be often i used as a justification and a weapon) does not make them any less soul crushing and even violent. We men face our children being weaponized, malicious lies and disgustingly false accusations that can RUIN an entire life. And lead to an early death.
By per femTaking my life back was a , literal, total war. Emotionally and financially devastating. These are issues a lot of men endure. Aided by a biased and skewed legal system, the "rape" so many men experience goes on with gusto, and is often , publically, lauded, by loud and vocal "feminist" minority groups.
This ties to the beginning questions the OP posed, regarding male "responsibility" in rape prevention. As a man, I know where the boundaries are, and respect them. A man who forces himself past a woman's boundaries in sex is pushing more than personal space. The question of "enthusiasm" , to me anyway, would be glaringly obvious. A man knows when he's being invited in. When its real, a man knows. Thing is, and this also happens with alarming frequency, certain types of women are far from being hesitant to call enthusiastic, consensual sex, "rape", should their ire be aroused or if they wish to exert control.
Thus, a man need be doubly careful in respecting boundaries, and reading the situation and the woman involved. If it seems to good to be true, it probably ain't good at all. Its a minefield out there. I'm so over the moon to be out of the dating pool. I was quite fortunate to have , at least, a soft landing, in moving to a new relationship and life, after experiencing the worst type of treatment at a vicious woman's behest. My feeling in this matter does not pin responsibility for rape prevention solely on men. All sane and decent men and women should be in lockstep with this.On the same page in the same book.
We, as men and women both, must be aware, actually care, and be proactive. Not just for ourselves, but for all around us. We can't afford to look the other way when we see warning signs, are confided in, or , at worst, actually witness something. I don't see physical self defense as being to relevant here, since we are talking more about preemptive measures, however, it does tie into the extreme end of "prevention". How a woman, or a couple, choose to prepare for that possibility is very personal, so I won't mention any methodology in regards to that.
So, just a few musings. This is an issue that effects men and women equally. So, there is no segregation of responsibility. We all need to keep a weather eye out .
The issue of a mans responsibility and methodology in rape prevention are, to my way of thinking, as much self defense as defense of the honor and
While I respect the intent of the thread, and I applaud those men who have intervened to provide a safer environment for women when potentially dangerous situations arose; I'm concerned with the premise that it is the responsibility of men to control the behavior of other men.
I'm not talking here about instances in which there would seem to be some immediate danger to a woman. Rather, my concern is the emerging feminist political concept that, as a demographic group, men somehow carry the culpability for the inappropriate or criminal behaviors of other men. Men don't rape, rapists rape. The overwhelming majority of men never have and never will engage in this crime.
We have neither a "rape culture" nor a "rape epidemic". We have a society with individuals who make individual decisions to engage in acts of violence against other human beings. This is nothing new. It has almost certainly existed ever since human beings formed into social structures.
Sexual assault is a crime which is clearly defined within the statutes of every state in the country. Statistically, it is both an under-reported crime and an over-reported crime. All accusations should be taken seriously and investigated impartially by law enforcement. If evidence of the crime is shown to be present, sentencing which recognizes the violent nature of the crime should be consistently applied.
I would like to believe that most people, male or female, would intercede as best they could if they were physically present when a potential assault seemed to be imminent. However, it is simply not possible to "prevent" actions which arise out of another individual's personal psyche.
With the state of the legal system, especially in light of the ridiculous "affirmative consent" bill recently passed in California, I recommend men men video each sexual encounter for legal protection.
Lol. Just don't upload that video online...
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