I want a baby and my husband doesn't and wants me to stop getting upset about it (guys, single)
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I am 37 and most men my age or older want a woman much younger for having children.
Not as true as you think. I'm 40 and if I was single I would date people my own age, no younger than maybe 35 or so. Sure 27 year olds are attractive physically, but if you are looking for a serious relationship are you really going to go after someone that young? I look at someone that young as risky bucause they probably haven't figured out what they really want yet in life. High divorce risk
Speaking for myself, I married at 29 but probably should have waited until my late 30's. I really didn't fully mature until I was 35 or so, this is true of a lot of men actually. Honestly I would have married someone very different if I had waited.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Port North
Not as true as you think. I'm 40 and if I was single I would date people my own age. Sure 27 year olds are attractive physically, but if you are looking for a serious relationship are you really going to go after someone that young? I look at someone that young as risky bucause they probably haven't figured out what they really want yet in life. High divorce risk
Its pretty true. I would date my own age, but I don't want kids. OLD data shows the people (single males in late 30s+) wanting kids tend to date much younger.
If you're Catholic and having a Catholic wedding it used to be the case that you have to be open to having children and you would agree to raise them Catholic in order to be married in the church, so this issue probably wouldn't arise.
Has that changed?
Still true, though I'm sure a lot of people just give it lip service
I'm writing now in a moment of desperation in hopes that someone can relate or give any helpful advice. I've been with my husband for 15 years. We're both 38 yrs old. When we got married, neither of us wanted children. 3 years ago, I got pregnant while on the pill. At first, it was shock but then we grew excited - he was also very excited. When I miscarried at 14 wks, we were both devastated.
Since then, I have now changed and want nothing more than to be a mother. He refuses. It's been 3 years of me trying to convince him how much it means to me, crying, depression, now anger. He won't budge.
It's to the point where I can barely control my emotions and it's causing us to consider separation because we aren't on the same page and we are both miserable.
We still love each other and want to make it work, but he's not willing to have a child. And I've tried for 3 years to come to terms with that and be happy without it. As the biological clock ticks away, I have increasing anxiety and resentment toward him. He is not sensitive to my feelings and wants me to just get over it, move on, be happy and stop talking about it. all of which is making me feel like he doesn't care about me.
I'm considering leaving him even though it's the last thing I want for us. I just cannot take this emotional stress and depression anymore.
We have been seeing a counselor but it's not really helping.
Anyone going through this? Any advice? Am I being selfish to now expect him to sympathize with how I feel?
I'm so sad, devastated and lost....
It is utterly insane that the person who wants to have a a kid is on the pill. If he is so concerned about not having a child he should wear a condom. Plus women over 38 being on the pill is a health concern.
It is utterly insane that the person who wants to have a a kid is on the pill. If he is so concerned about not having a child he should wear a condom. Plus women over 38 being on the pill is a health concern.
I agree, no openess to fertility, no kitty cat for him.
Zeurch, you don't speak for everyone. You have your own opinions, and that is great.
In a marriage/partnership/relationship, both parties need to work together and compromise on things. If one cannot, and it is a matter of both timeliness and life-changing importance, then it is time to evaluate things. The OP changed her mind, her husband did not.
And YOU may think a husband must yield to his wife's needs and wishes, and that may be the case in your life, but for most, it would fracture things even further. No one likes to be forced into a situation they do not like. A child is a HUGE responsibility that requires the cooperation of BOTH parents. It is not to be taken lightly at all. Please do not attempt to speak for all wives/women, thanks.
there is no case in my life any way. It is not what I think that is how it is if there is a thing called marriage they both need to respect each other wishes and feelings may be they had a commitment when they both were very young. And yes now she changed her mind so you say that men wont change their mind? Then why men start cheating behind there marriage? that also under agreement?, by the time pass when people grow old people can change, if her husband cannot understand that what else there to say. If I cannot speak why this place call a forum any way? Who are you to tell me not to speak? As you give your opinion every one else does, as they see the problem or the trouble if some one does not like about what some one said just go to the next post that is it. No need to find something to argue. and in most forums OP subject wont follow either. Taking child as less responsibility was not OP intention. How to convince her husband now look what you all talk now? Please mind your language tone when you write next time. I feel like you insulting me by this phrase
Quote:
Please do not attempt to speak for all wives/women, thanks.
Last edited by Zeurich; 09-25-2014 at 10:45 AM..
Reason: I wanted to add something extra because this is not the first time this person talked to me arrogantly I felt insulted.
They had an agreement, she broke it and now she is called SELFISH? Not fair towards the husband.
Now you seem to have a pretty good life with a pretty good man. You want to give this all up? Others (like me), never had a long and great marriage like you. Do you realize how difficult it is to find what you have?
Do you know it may take many years to find a good man again? You might go to countless dates with weird men, just read through all these dating horror stories here on CD.
However, OP, consider this: You are leaving a great guy whose only fault is to not want children. If you get divorced, it will take a while to heal. Then you need to find a new man. To find a GOOD new man can take a while and what if you never find one who you click with as good as with your current husband? You dont really have the time to be with him very long to find out who he is because you want children right away. Then you have a baby with somebody who might not turn out to be a good dad, who might leave you, cheat on you, doesn't treat you well ...And then you are stuck alone with a baby.
Of course you can just get divorced within the next half year, meet a new guy within a month and have a baby right away and he will stay prince charming forever and that all before you are 40 but that is most likely not going to happen.
I am 37 and most men my age or older want a woman much younger for having children.
My friend is currently 51 and him and his wife were party people who got married in their late 20s and agrreed to never have children. He was dead set on it and she was ok either way but agreed.
She just turned 48 and he turned 51, he is getting near early retirement from work, she still works full time and all their party friends have moved or are busy with families.
A year or two ago her Mother in law said she resents the fact they never had kids. It is a selfish thing to do to her as they wanted to be grandparents. She was like it was your son. But she was like BS, my son said that, but you were one on the PILL. Obviously, you could have forgot to take it. So she talked to husband and he said you know what I still am dead set against having kids. She was happy and then he added but if you accidently got pregant of course we would have kept it
Now she feels like a dope She is too old to have kids, but her husband still looks good, is fairly well off and what if he wakes up at 52 and decides I really want a kid, he can go find a attractive 35 year old lady and have a kid and start a whole new life and leave her as a 50 year old divorcee with no kids and not even child support. Even worse they both worked entire marriage so most likely she would not get alimony. Meaning he could just split it in half move on and have a younger and pretty wife and a kids. It is a big dice to roll for a women as she is guessing what her husband wants and her clock is ticking faster.
In truth, I am really suspicious of any of these pacts made at the beginning of a marriage. They suppose that nobody is going to grow or change. If you were being truly honest about matters, how different were you at 35 than you were at 25? How many times have each of you said, "Why I'd never..." in your youth, only to eat those words a few years later? Life is humbling that way.
I mean, my attitudes, philosophies, tastes, values, and priorities changed radically within a ten-year period. The only things that were unaltered was my love for my wife and our position of mutual respect.
So, if each of you were being honest about people in general and yourselves specifically, you'd acknowledge that people do indeed change over time. It's not about being capricious or dishonest. It's about how they have grown and been molded by the lives they have led.
Back to the OP. I'm not sure what to tell you here. My guess is that you'll have to choose between your husband and having a child. It is an agonizing choice, and I don't envy you your decision.
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