I want a baby and my husband doesn't and wants me to stop getting upset about it (female, 2014)
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This is so flippant, it's crazy. So this guy in this scenario, who for all we know has been a good husband all these years who has loved on his wife and they had little traditions and inside jokes, and he has provided for her well. All of a sudden he gets hit out of left field with something like this. Yes, she is allowed to change her mind. But for all the IDIOTS calling him selfish and an a-hole he did what exactly?!?!?!?
He's not giving in to her..... demand?, whim?, request? We are not sure how the converstaion went but he is the d-bag?
Look it is sad, she is having a natural pull towards motherhood, fine. But don't villify the guy that you all know nothing about. As far as the above, I reallllllly hope the OP has more grace and forethought than PortNorth.
His only crime is standing steadfast in what he has believed since his early 20's. She hasn't told us his side. I feel bad for him as this probably will end in divorce and simply because he doesn't want to be a father. Not that he doesn't love her, not that he was abusive, not that he was a poor provider, his life will end too when she leaves him for a hypothetical baby. He promised her forever, she did the same but she loves someone who doesn't exist yet more. Even though he has upheld his end of the bargain. Again, not her fault, she changed her mind. but divorce is ANYTHING but a good resolution.
This is what I'm having the hardest thing understanding here. Her husband is getting raked over the coals by some of these people called all kinds of names because he doesn't want to have kids. Give him a freaking break. No man or woman should be forced to have kids if they do not want them, period. We have enough screwed-up people in this society without adding more unwanted children.
We have been seeing a counselor but it's not really helping.
I just noticed this. I wonder what "it's not really helping" means. It's not helping convince the husband to go along with the wife? I wonder what the counselor is doing/saying. It seems that if both sides are digging in their heels, there's not much a counselor can do, except try to get both sides to focus on the love they've shared for 15 years. Is that worth throwing away for a 50-50 shot at bringing a pregnancy to term with someone else?
Still, we have no idea how the OP would support herself if she got a divorce. We have no idea how realistic it would be for her to get a divorce, or if she even wants to chance going out on her own, and looking for another guy, and risking another miscarriage.
Hello-o-o, OP? Feedback, please? More info, please? Anybody home?
For those who are persuaded that reproduction is the perfectly natural and decent thing to do, and especially for those who believe that the "purpose" of marriage is to produce offspring, the OP's husband's position becomes illegitimate and cowardly. The wife is the one who changed her mind, but since the couple's original position is viewed as being jejune and irresponsible, well, the wife changed for the better, but the husband failed to follow.
Still others, who are perhaps neutral on the idea of reproduction, contend that a marriage is merely a contract to remain together, and not a contract to retain lifelong espousal of certain views held at the outset of the marriage. There is no shame in undergoing vast and comprehensive change.
I personally believe that if the marriage was contracted contingent upon certain core precepts remaining true, than beyond a certain point, the partner who does change radically is the one who is in the wrong.
And as for my position on reproduction - well, I believe that bringing new life into the world is an abomination. Full stop.
Wow wow wait what!
First of all not everyone believes as you do that "reproduction is the decent thing to do" So what you are saying is those that do not reproduce, they are not decent? Since having offspring=decent then childless marriages are improper, incorrect, poor, and inappropriate...right? These words are the opposite of "decent" so is this your position?
Second " the OP's husband's position becomes illegitimate and cowardly" What if he doesn't want to have children because he doesn't want them and so by having them he knows that he would be resentful towards them. Much like a lot of the stories told throughout this thread. What if he is self aware enough to know that he isn't fit to be a parent. Go to any CD thread of "why are you childless" or similar and people there KNOW they do not want children and KNOW that it would NOT be fair to bring a child into that kind of environment. "Well just have them, you will change your mind" Is that where you are going next? Because not everyone is like that. I know of people who tell me in confidence they wish they never had kids. That it killed the marriage. That it puts so many different kinds of strain on it. Go to TAM and see the threads there from men AND women where the whole thing changes after kids. Not always for the better especially the health of the marriage. Maybe he doesn't want that.
Third..."irresponsible?!?!?" really? This is the opposite of irresponsible. To be able to know yourself and not just give in and go with the flow, that is irresposnsible. You hear about kids taken out of bad situations all the time. Kids taken out of crack houses and kids taken out of filthy horders like conditions. I am NOT saying the OP is in this kind of situation but I am using YOUR logic on people like this. According to you, since they got married, they are then not only encouraged but REQUIRED to have children or else be thought of as not decent. Who cares if they run a meth lab to put food on the table. They're married so kids are the next step...right?
Four..."the wife changed for the better" In your eyes, not in mine. Better how?
Five.."I believe that bringing new life into the world is an abomination." - - Um..what?
^^^ (r4t's post)
Another good point. A counselor can only help folks change their perspective. A counselor can't DO the work FOR their clients.
I hate to put a negative spin on an already negative thread, but what if the OP can't have children at all (as R4T stated).
Losing a 15 year marriage to a person you still love is a helluva lot to lose.
This is making me think. What if the OP's real problem, deep down, is that she never recovered from the loss of that first pregnancy? What if she needs some grief and perhaps trauma therapy to help her finish processing that experience, and if she got that, it might lay her feelings to rest, and things might settle down and get back to normal?
What do you think, OP? Is part of you still grieving? I suspect the husband would say "yes, she's never recovered. She's still very emotional about it."
I'm writing now in a moment of desperation in hopes that someone can relate or give any helpful advice. I've been with my husband for 15 years. We're both 38 yrs old. When we got married, neither of us wanted children. 3 years ago, I got pregnant while on the pill. At first, it was shock but then we grew excited - he was also very excited. When I miscarried at 14 wks, we were both devastated.
Since then, I have now changed and want nothing more than to be a mother. He refuses. It's been 3 years of me trying to convince him how much it means to me, crying, depression, now anger. He won't budge.
It's to the point where I can barely control my emotions and it's causing us to consider separation because we aren't on the same page and we are both miserable.
We still love each other and want to make it work, but he's not willing to have a child. And I've tried for 3 years to come to terms with that and be happy without it. As the biological clock ticks away, I have increasing anxiety and resentment toward him. He is not sensitive to my feelings and wants me to just get over it, move on, be happy and stop talking about it. all of which is making me feel like he doesn't care about me.
I'm considering leaving him even though it's the last thing I want for us. I just cannot take this emotional stress and depressionanymore.
We have been seeing a counselor but it's not really helping.
Anyone going through this? Any advice? Am I being selfish to now expect him to sympathize with how I feel?
I'm so sad, devastated and lost....
OP, have you ever gotten professional help for your depression and grief from the original loss? How, exactly, have you "been trying to come to terms with that and be happy without it"? On your own, or with a professional grief therapist?
Google "psychologists" and also "counselors" + "grief, trauma" + your town. Get help. You'll be glad you did, and it might save your marriage. Your current counselor isn't a specialist in grief and trauma. There are people who specialize in that, and can help you work through it. Find a couple of them, and try them out, see which seems to have the most promising method. Buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_no...+Grief+Rituals and start doing the recommended exercises.
This isn't "just" a miscarriage you've had. A CHILD has been lost, a child whose arrival you and your husband had begun to anticipate with joy. You need to properly mourn this loss, and work through all the grief, bewilderment, and anger. See if there are any support groups in your area for couples who have had a miscarriage. (Your OB-GYN might be able to refer you to one.) Ask your husband to attend a few meetings, if you find a support group. He doesn't have to go to all of them, but it will help your process if he can be supportive and attend a few with you. Focussing on and properly processing this tremendous loss should be your project for the next few months.
Best wishes.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-25-2014 at 08:05 PM..
The Ops husband is (pardon me) a horses ass...plain and simple.
Make her cry and beg for something a husband should do at random and free will?
What a jerk.....lose this clown dear and find a better MAN!!
I guess you didn't read the initial post where he stated he did not want kids when they first married huh? It's not like he married her saying he wanted kids and changed his mind halfway into the marriage. She KNEW THIS going into the marriage, and SHE change her mind. People never cease to amaze me.
This is what I'm having the hardest thing understanding here. Her husband is getting raked over the coals by some of these people called all kinds of names because he doesn't want to have kids. Give him a freaking break. No man or woman should be forced to have kids if they do not want them, period. We have enough screwed-up people in this society without adding more unwanted children.
I've seen only a few people calling the husband selfish. Are you sure you weren't reading the posts about another poster's acquaintances, in which the husband agreed to be the sperm donor but has nothing to do with the kid despite living with her?
First of all not everyone believes as you do that "reproduction is the decent thing to do" So what you are saying is those that do not reproduce, they are not decent? Since having offspring=decent then childless marriages are improper, incorrect, poor, and inappropriate...right? These words are the opposite of "decent" so is this your position?
Second " the OP's husband's position becomes illegitimate and cowardly" What if he doesn't want to have children because he doesn't want them and so by having them he knows that he would be resentful towards them. Much like a lot of the stories told throughout this thread. What if he is self aware enough to know that he isn't fit to be a parent. Go to any CD thread of "why are you childless" or similar and people there KNOW they do not want children and KNOW that it would NOT be fair to bring a child into that kind of environment. "Well just have them, you will change your mind" Is that where you are going next? Because not everyone is like that. I know of people who tell me in confidence they wish they never had kids. That it killed the marriage. That it puts so many different kinds of strain on it. Go to TAM and see the threads there from men AND women where the whole thing changes after kids. Not always for the better especially the health of the marriage. Maybe he doesn't want that.
Third..."irresponsible?!?!?" really? This is the opposite of irresponsible. To be able to know yourself and not just give in and go with the flow, that is irresposnsible. You hear about kids taken out of bad situations all the time. Kids taken out of crack houses and kids taken out of filthy horders like conditions. I am NOT saying the OP is in this kind of situation but I am using YOUR logic on people like this. According to you, since they got married, they are then not only encouraged but REQUIRED to have children or else be thought of as not decent. Who cares if they run a meth lab to put food on the table. They're married so kids are the next step...right?
Four..."the wife changed for the better" In your eyes, not in mine. Better how?
Five.."I believe that bringing new life into the world is an abomination." - - Um..what?
I think some people here believe what a husband wants is secondary to what a wife wants. I'd be curious to see the responses here if it was some guy who had a change of heart about wanting kids but the wife was firmly against. My guess is you would see a lot of "her body, her choice" comments.
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