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Or it could have been the full-court press that turned them off. Who knows. But, yes, you're essentially depicting all women as the same.
I did not put any pressure on them. We would go out once a week on average. I'd contact them maybe a couple times per week just to say hi and ask them how they were. I did not convey any expectations to them.
Sorry you are frustrated. I assume you are meeting these women though online dating for the most part... or maybe speed dating and such? I am mulling around the idea of "dropping out" too... at least from "trying" to date. In fact, I took down my online profile already. I once swore off onine dating (not too long ago) but let some friends talk me back into it and I still hate it. Paid for six months and I am dropping out after just two out of frustration.
I find that the men I meet in those venues are too pushy, want an instant relationship before I really get to know them (some even push marriage on the first of second date). It looks like you have a problem too, maybe kind of the opposite. It looks like yours is with women wanting to just play around and not commit. It sounds like the women you are running into are using online dating to sew their wild oats and for fun and using men as booty calls... not for looking for a serious relationship.
I really am starting to think that the venue (online dating, speed dating, etc), what I dubbed "dating industry products" draws in a lot of very damaged people. Yes, there are great people using these products too. And these products work for some people (some people do meet significant others through these products after all). But I these dating products don't work for everyone (and I am not even sure they work for most people who use them). The flakes, the crazies, the users, the jerks... they just outnumber the good eggs in my opinion. It sounds like you are a lot like me, tired of kissing frogs looking for the right person. Some of us just have a lower tolerance for that kind of thing.
I am really starting to think that for some of us, just meeting people the old fashion way... first meeting someone and getting to know them over time, really know what they are like and what their personality is, THEN, if they seem like they are your type, date them; Works better. I am pretty sure it does for me because the only man I dated and ENJOYED dating since my divorce was someone I knew socially first.
I think you are making the right move by dropping out of the dating product industry (if that's what you are doing). Or even just taking a break from it (if that's what you mean). But you would only be hurting yourself if you let flaky women turn you bitter or jaded. It doesn't hurt them at all, it only hurts you. Like they say,it's a poison you drink yourself in the hopes that it will kill someone else. Take time to get out the anger and frustration, but don't let other people dictate your feelings in the long run.
Were you yourself or just trying to be what you thought they wanted you to be? Either way - as Timber said - it's about trying to find the one right person that you really click with. The rest do not matter. However, if you are too frustrated and jaded right now then there is no point since it's likely you wouldn't click with the right person in this condition anyway. Take a break. Get your head on straight and then see what happens.
The answer should be obvious, but since it isn't, (to OP at least) I will tell you why you received this response. Because women are generally intelligent creatures, and they suspected you were doing these things just to impress them, and not because that's the kind of guy you really are. It sounds like you really don't care to be nice to women and do these things as part of your personality, so you don't deserve an enthusiastic response. Thus they weren't interested.
You are so off base it's pathetic. I am a very good person. I always put my friends before me. I could go on and on about the things I've done for the people I'm loyal to. Why do you make sure terrible assumptions about me?
And it's not why you'd think. No, I didn't find any special person to share part of my life with. It's quite the opposite. The vast majority of women I pursued were flakes. They were wishy washy, at best, when it came to putting any sort of commitment in. There was little to no initiation on their part even when I made my intentions clear that I was interested in them. After this latest unimpressed woman, whom I've gone on three dates with (all lasted 10+ hours), slept with, and shared some nice experiences with overall, I've decided to throw in the towel. I'm done with the constant disappointment and being led on. This is no longer fun to me, and instead hurtful and frustrating.
I listened to all your advice. I made changes to my life. Before entering the dating pool, I got myself into shape and upgraded my wardrobe so I'd look nice. I always put my best foot forward. I treated these women like ladies. I brought them flowers on dates. I paid for dates. I opened car doors for them. I held their hands so they wouldn't slip on ice. I listened to them talk about their lives rather than take control of the conversation and talk only about me. I made them laugh. I contacted them regularly. We went on dates that went well and lasted hours and hours. We kissed. We made out. We were physically intimate. We cuddled. We did everything you guys say you like and I was everything you said you wanted.
Essentially I put my all into this and all I received was a lackluster response by the majority of women. So tell me again about how all you want is a nice guy who will listen to you and support your endeavors and choices. I was that guy and all I got was strung along and treated like I meant nothing to these women. Best of luck filtering your way through all the assclowns and dbags and bros out there that you claim to not be able to stand. Because you just lost one decent candidate from the dating poor.
Sincerely,
Frustrated and Jaded
Sorry to hear that, but sometimes you do get fed up.
Maybe it is just time for a break. Unplug from dating, do some fun things, and think about how the experiences went at some point down the road. I think if you disconnect a bit, you will be able to look at it with a new perspective and use these dates as a learning experience.
Part of ultimately finding a person you will want to build a longer relationship with (and who will want to do that with you) is as much about learning about yourself so you can improve your choice in women.
With this, it sounds like you need a woman more serious about building a longer relationship, or who places more importance on that. Beyond that, you also need a woman who's idea of a longer relationship and what it is like to be in one is closer to what you envision it.
No man, it's not an easy process for most. However, even a negative experience can be turned into a positive learning experience.
Sorry you are frustrated. I assume you are meeting these women though online dating for the most part... or maybe speed dating and such? I am mulling around the idea of "dropping out" too... at least from "trying" to date. In fact, I took down my online profile already. I once swore off onine dating (not too long ago) but let some friends talk me back into it and I still hate it. Paid for six months and I am dropping out after just two out of frustration.
I find that the men I meet in those venues are too pushy, want an instant relationship before I really get to know them (some even push marriage on the first of second date). It looks like you have a problem too, maybe kind of the opposite. It looks like yours is with women wanting to just play around and not commit. It sounds like the women you are running into are using online dating to sew their wild oats and for fun and using men as booty calls... not for looking for a serious relationship.
I really am starting to think that the venue (online dating, speed dating, etc), what I dubbed "dating industry products" draws in a lot of very damaged people. Yes, they work for some people (the normal ones who are lucky enough to find another normal person), but these they don't work for everyone (and I am not even sure they work for most people who use them). The flakes, the crazies, the users, the jerks... they just outnumber the good eggs in my opinion.
I am really starting to think that for some of us, just meeting people the old fashion way... first meeting someone and getting to know them over time, really know what they are like and what their personality is, THEN, if they seem like they are your type, date them; Works better. I am pretty sure it does for me because the only man I dated and ENJOYED dating since my divorce was someone I knew socially first.
I think you are making the right move by dropping out of the dating product industry (if that's what you are doing). But you would only be hurting yourself if you let flaky women turn you bitter or jaded. It doesn't hurt them at all, it only hurts you. Like they say,it's a poison you drink yourself in the hopes that it will kill someone else. Take time to get out the anger and frustration, but don't let other people dictate your feelings in the long run.
It was a mix. The last one was from an IRL meeting. We had a great time on all the dates, or at least I thought. She seemed to be really into me. Now it seems like she's 'meh'. Same with the one from last October, though she started contacting me last week. At any rate, I don't see the point anymore. I'm just setting myself up for more and more disappointment.
Essentially, I'm not good enough for these women is what they're implicitly telling me. They think they can do better, or else they would "snag a good catch when they find it".
If you want to forget about it, then forget about it.
Just chill out. Don't even make it a priority anymore. It shouldn't have been one in the first place.
You can't go into dating thinking things will work out immediately or whether or not you'll find your dream girl. It's not that simple, and it takes a lot of time. Until you develop a little more tolerance and patience, just leave it alone for a while.
The reasonable conclusion was you just didn't meet the right person. It is all about chemistry. You haven't met the person that you have the right chemistry with.
I have no doubt I could have a perfectly pleasant date with a significant a gigantic majority of the people +/- 5 years of me that I meet. Laugh, talk, get along, have a nice time. That isn't what it is about. It is about chemistry. That I might not find as a two way thing for 30 women in a row, then it may happen with three in a row. It's just the way it is.
We're not just talking and having a good time. We're spending hours together at a time. Being physically and mentally intimate. These are not typically things you do with just anybody. At least not IMO, but what do I know. I'm really beginning to question that as of late.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,063,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
It was a mix. The last one was from an IRL meeting. We had a great time on all the dates, or at least I thought. She seemed to be really into me. Now it seems like she's 'meh'. Same with the one from last October, though she started contacting me last week. At any rate, I don't see the point anymore. I'm just setting myself up for more and more disappointment.
Essentially, I'm not good enough for these women is what they're implicitly telling me. They think they can do better, or else they would "snag a good catch when they find it".
Good God, no no no no no. That is not what they are telling you.
Why do so many people take it this way? Not being a right match in no way, shape, or form, means "not good enough". It just wasn't a connection.
Criminy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
We're not just talking and having a good time. We're spending hours together at a time. Being physically and mentally intimate. These are not typically things you do with just anybody. At least not IMO, but what do I know. I'm really beginning to question that as of late.
No, not anybody, someone you think is a nice person and are attracted to. But that is just a start. If they're not feeling the chemistry then they aren't.
You're looking at it as an all or nothing thing. They're into me, or I'm not good enough. That isn't how it works.
When you get into dating is a failure or success dichotomy mindset, it is time for a break. So, yeah, good call.
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