Won't date single parents because of growing up in a abnormal family? (marry, women)

[2mares]

[quote=cwa1984;39386504]

Were going to agree to disagree then. Not saying the above doesn't happen in traditional families. What I'm saying is that it tends to be more severe and commonplace in mingled/blended families from my own perspective.

Your own perspective is all you have to go on but it seems to me it is keeping you from being open minded. I have no idea if dysfunction is more severe in blended families. I'm not aware of any studies and not sure how one would quantify severity. Its seems logical that there would be more challenges in blended families.

It does but it's your kids and the family usually can be helpful in dealing with it as well. When your a blended/mingled family there usually isn't much support in extended family like there tends to be in traditional families. So in the blended/mingled family the parent of the child and the step parent are the ones who constantly have to deal with it while the other parent usually doesn't want involved at all again from what I've seen.

Again, that is your perspective perhaps due to your own family. Not all are this way and many traditional families are this way. Just an example, my brothers first wife was a single mother of two. They divorced after a few years due to her drug problem, which she eventually overcame. To this day my brother and myself and other family members are close to her children and their children. Throughout my family there are children from previous marriages/relationships and they are no different than those that entered the family thru marriage and shared DNA. It is what you make it.

I don't see how not wanting to date single parents is "dooming myself". I'm a 31 year old childless man and I have no debt, I have a good paying job that I like and where I live is safe with a low cost of living so what money I make is mine and my time is my own. I don't see how not wanting to date single parents on just that alone even ignoring me growing up in a dysfunctional blended family
would qualify me as "dooming myself." If anything I would say I'm being smart avoiding the mistakes my parents made when they were young.

Well I never said not wanting to date a single parent was dooming yourself. Actually I said there is actually nothing wrong with that and not everyone is cut out for it. Your attitude that because it was this way in your family so it must be so for you, for everyone. It is a self fulfilling prophecy, sins of the fathers.

Let's be honest here when you cut away the BS most people who are single parents were young and dumb with blinders on when they got married and it wasn't till years later they go "yeah I screwed up here" and get divorced. Am I being judgmental? Yes. We are all judgmental. A man or woman will look at someone and decide on the spot instantly if they would sleep with let alone have a
relationship with the person they are looking at based on looks. Nothing wrong with that it's nature. The reason why I bring that up though is that major things that can negatively influence your life for years if not decades like getting married to a single parent is seen as limiting yourself even though it
can absolutely wreck your life. Where as deciding not to be with someone on looks is seen as perfectly normal even though going to the gym and eating right can perform miracles and plastic surgery at the end of the day a lot of people can afford if they really cared about it that much.

What can I say, people make mistakes, they grow and change. It is smart to go into a relationship slowly and with both eyes open. If you don't want to date single parents, well good for you, no one cares, do what is right for you but don't think for a minute that will save you from making other mistakes or bad choices or ending up in a dysfunctional relationship.

If you dwell too much on what ifs of a non-existent relationship/marriage/family you may very well miss out on a real one.

[cwa1984]

Originally Posted by 2mares

Your own perspective is all you have to go on but it seems to me it is keeping you from being open minded. I have no idea if dysfunction is more severe in blended families. I'm not aware of any studies and not sure how one would quantify severity. Its seems logical that there would be more challenges in blended families.

What's to be open minded about? Most single parents made bad decisions in life. I didn't and quite frankly I don't want to deal with there problems. I'm not a charity. I know that's cold to say but I'm not going to be a knight in shining armor to try and save someone from the bad choices they made in life that are effecting them to this day. The only way I would date a single parent is if all the kids were grown up and out of the house. Even than I would prefer a childless woman. I'm sure as hell not going to put with a bunch of disrespect from a kid that isn't mine like my father did with my brother either.

Originally Posted by 2mares

Again, that is your perspective perhaps due to your own family. Not all are this way and many traditional families are this way. Just an example, my brothers first wife was a single mother of two. They divorced after a few years due to her drug problem, which she eventually overcame. To this day my brother and myself and other family members are close to her children and their children. Throughout my family there are children from previous marriages/relationships and they are no different than those that entered the family thru marriage and shared DNA. It is what you make it.

This is the exception to the rule. Most families don't treat kids from someone marrying into the family as part of the family. There mostly ignored if not treated as second class citizens from what I've seen and others who I've known who have been in similar situations have said.

Originally Posted by 2mares

Well I never said not wanting to date a single parent was dooming yourself. Actually I said there is actually nothing wrong with that and not everyone is cut out for it. Your attitude that because it was this way in your family so it must be so for you, for everyone. It is a self fulfilling prophecy, sins of the fathers.

You implied heavily that not being open to dating single parents is dooming yourself. My attitude is that the choices people make can and often do having long lasting consequences and quite frankly I nor anyone else should have to pay for the bad choices of others.

Originally Posted by 2mares

What can I say, people make mistakes, they grow and change. It is smart to go into a relationship slowly and with both eyes open. If you don't want to date single parents, well good for you, no one cares, do what is right for you but don't think for a minute that will save you from making other mistakes or bad choices or ending up in a dysfunctional relationship.

Most relationships with single parents are dysfunctional if we are being honest. Avoiding them makes sense if you don't want or literally can't deal with a lot of BS. Not saying childless people don't have a lot of BS as well but you can walk away a lot easier and there tends to be a lot less destruction caused after a relationship ends between childless people seeing each other vs single parents seeing each other or a childless and a single parent seeing each other. At the end of the day it really is all about the children in these relationships.

Originally Posted by 2mares

If you dwell too much on what ifs of a non-existent relationship/marriage/family you may very well miss out on a real one.

Being honest as I'm getting older and noticing more grey hair every year now I'm comfortable right now if I don't have kids of my own. I'm 31 and if it doesn't happen in the next couple of years than it's not going to happen. My mind is already moving more towards looking at buying my first home on my own and making plans with next few years so I can retire at decent age instead of working till the day I die. As I'm getting older my mind is moving further away from having kids of my own. *shrugs* I'm just getting older is all and honestly I'm not going to become a father if I'm 40 years old that's just to late and I don't want to have to deal with a child of my own problems when I'm close to or in my seventies. With all that said if I don't have children of my own I sure as hell don't want to deal with another person's kids.

[TMBGBlueCanary]

If you don't want to date single parents, don't.

To answer your question I date based on if I am attracted to the individual person and want to date... I don't drag family baggage into my dating life.

[Cyn1976]

President Obama and Bill Clinton were both raised by single women.

I'm a single mother of two and I was also raised by a single mother.

I'm 38 years old and doing the best that I can.

[Idon'tdateyou]

Nope, my parents are still married and neither went to prison or had a baby ad a teen. I don't date dads because I don't want the stuff that goes with it like the baby mama or supporting his family or anything else.

[2mares]

Originally Posted by cwa1984

What's to be open minded about? Most single parents made bad decisions in life. I didn't and quite frankly I don't want to deal with there problems. I'm not a charity. I know that's cold to say but I'm not going to be a knight in shining armor to try and save someone from the bad choices they made in life that are effecting them to this day. The only way I would date a single parent is if all the kids were grown up and out of the house. Even than I would prefer a childless woman. I'm sure as hell not going to put with a bunch of disrespect from a kid that isn't mine like my father did with my brother either.



This is the exception to the rule. Most families don't treat kids from someone marrying into the family as part of the family. There mostly ignored if not treated as second class citizens from what I've seen and others who I've known who have been in similar situations have said.



You implied heavily that not being open to dating single parents is dooming yourself. My attitude is that the choices people make can and often do having long lasting consequences and quite frankly I nor anyone else should have to pay for the bad choices of others.



Most relationships with single parents are dysfunctional if we are being honest. Avoiding them makes sense if you don't want or literally can't deal with a lot of BS. Not saying childless people don't have a lot of BS as well but you can walk away a lot easier and there tends to be a lot less destruction caused after a relationship ends between childless people seeing each other vs single parents seeing each other or a childless and a single parent seeing each other. At the end of the day it really is all about the children in these relationships.



Being honest as I'm getting older and noticing more grey hair every year now I'm comfortable right now if I don't have kids of my own. I'm 31 and if it doesn't happen in the next couple of years than it's not going to happen. My mind is already moving more towards looking at buying my first home on my own and making plans with next few years so I can retire at decent age instead of working till the day I die. As I'm getting older my mind is moving further away from having kids of my own. *shrugs* I'm just getting older is all and honestly I'm not going to become a father if I'm 40 years old that's just to late and I don't want to have to deal with a child of my own problems when I'm close to or in my seventies. With all that said if I don't have children of my own I sure as hell don't want to deal with another person's kids.

Believe what you want and base your future on those beliefs and don't date single parents, I don't care.
There are lots of people out there that make it work, lots. Not every one is willing to try and that's great, again, don't care.

I never implied not dating single parents was dooming yourself, I implied having a ****ty negative attitude does. Again, nothing wrong with not wanting to date single parents, lots of people feel that way, I just don't agree with your reasoning. It is almost as if you are trying to convince yourself. I hope you never ever even look twice at a single parent and are never in a situation where you must co exist with children that are not yours biologically. That would be a win/win for everyone involved.

[Mikala43]

If you don't want to date single parents then don't. No need to come up with "theories" to justify it.

[cwa1984]

Originally Posted by 2mares

Believe what you want and base your future on those beliefs and don't date single parents, I don't care.

Then let's just agree to disagree then.

Originally Posted by 2mares

I never implied not dating single parents was dooming yourself, I implied having a ****ty negative attitude does.

I wouldn't call it a negative attitude. I would call it being honest and not lying to myself like many people do claiming things are alright and normal when they are anything but.

Originally Posted by 2mares

Again, nothing wrong with not wanting to date single parents, lots of people feel that way, I just don't agree with your reasoning.

So if you have never seen blended families workout before and in your own blended family you've seen strife and discontent you don't view that as a legit reason for not wanting to have a relationship with single parents? You realize your saying personal experience means nothing with that comment right?

Originally Posted by 2mares

It is almost as if you are trying to convince yourself.

I'm already convinced. I'm just seeing if anyone else on CityData is in a similar boot as me is all.

Originally Posted by 2mares

I hope you never ever even look twice at a single parent and are never in a situation where you must co exist with children that are not yours biologically. That would be a win/win for everyone involved.

I actually like children believe it or not. I just won't pretend to be a father to one that isn't mine or act like it would be a real family.

[North Beach Person]

Here's the problem with you eliminating single parents (I assume women). The older you get the more difficult it will be to find one.

This reminds me of a guy I used to work with, we're the same age. He spent part of his early adulthood in seminary. He left that and went on a multi decade search for the perfect virginal woman to marry. Since he was nearly 30 when he started the search the pool was pretty small to begin with and got smaller as the years went on.

He's still looking.

[cwa1984]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

If you don't want to date single parents then don't. No need to come up with "theories" to justify it.

Basically your telling me to shut up with this comment.

Look we as a society never ever tend to talk about the adult children and there views of growing up in blended families. Whether they would consider a blended family or if they are like me and others I know who don't want to emulate it in a million years. I think it's a great topic because you get to see the end results whether they be good, bad or ugly. I think it's something that should be discussed since how you grow up does influence your relationships as an adult. Yeah it will anger some single parents on here because it's not PC and that can lead to people getting there feelings hurt but hey it's honest.