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To explain what I mean by this thread is how many of you won't date a single parent because of the poor choices your parents made and having to grow up in a family that was dysfunctional because of their poor choices in life? My mother and father were both married and had two children before they got together and had me and later got married. Of my four siblings I have I'm only close to my one sister on my Mother's side my other sister on my Dad's side I never met. My oldest brother who is on my Mother's side is currently serving a 15 year prison sentence. He absolutely hates my father and has repeatedly told him he can't wait till he dies. It's not like he's a teenager going through a rebellious stage this has been going on for decades because he is getting close to 50 now. My other brother is special needs and I've only met him like two or three times so nothing is really there.
Being honest none of us are really close and whenever someone says "were like a family here" when talking about a work environment it makes me want to vomit severely. I've talked to a few others that were products of single parents getting together having already had kids and they've pretty much said things were the same with them with the family just being dysfunctional and it's something we would never want to emulate in a million years. So my question since this is the relationship forum is those of you who are the product of a mingled family or who were even raised by a single parent do you exclude single parents as relationship material due to your family being very abnormal growing up?
To explain what I mean by this thread is how many of you won't date a single parent because of the poor choices your parents made and having to grow up in a family that was dysfunctional because of their poor choices in life? My mother and father were both married and had two children before they got together and had me and later got married. Of my four siblings I have I'm only close to my one sister on my Mother's side my other sister on my Dad's side I never met. My oldest brother who is on my Mother's side is currently serving a 15 year prison sentence. He absolutely hates my father and has repeatedly told him he can't wait till he dies. It's not like he's a teenager going through a rebellious stage this has been going on for decades because he is getting close to 50 now. My other brother is special needs and I've only met him like two or three times so nothing is really there.
Being honest none of us are really close and whenever someone says "were like a family here" when talking about a work environment it makes me want to vomit severely. I've talked to a few others that were products of single parents getting together having already had kids and they've pretty much said things were the same with them with the family just being dysfunctional and it's something we would never want to emulate in a million years. So my question since this is the relationship forum is those of you who are the product of a mingled family or who were even raised by a single parent do you exclude single parents as relationship material due to your family being very abnormal growing up?
I hate to break it to you but you see this same dysfunction in traditional families. It really has nothing to do with the family dynamics but the actual people involved.
How your future family interact with one another and the love and bond and loyalty that develop will depend greatly on you and your wife and the respect and commitment you show one another. A strong and loving foundation and sense of unity will influence and shape the children into loving functional adults no matter if they are hers, yours, both of yours or someone elses.
I'm trying to figure out the "poor choices" your parents made. Having a kid in prison? How is that your parents' fault? A special needs kid? Same question. **** happens.
It's very easy to blame your parents for your current issues when all they did was raise, feed, clothe, educate and house you.
I hate to break it to you but you see this same dysfunction in traditional families. It really has nothing to do with the family dynamics but the actual people involved.
Yeah this is a cop out answer. I have never seen a functional traditional family be abnormal like a dysfunctional mingled family. It really does boil down to family dynamics a lot of the times. You don't get the jealously, resentment, hatred or even apathy from your fellow siblings if they are full blooded like you do if they are only half brothers and sisters. You don't have a brother blaming his father who wasn't abusive for ruining his life into his fifties and longer in a traditional family were they are related like you do in a mingled family were they are not related.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
How your future family interact with one another and the love and bond and loyalty that develop will depend greatly on you and your wife and the respect and commitment you show one another.
Unless of course your wife or husband's kids from the previous marriage happen to be bipolar or schizophrenic since that ran in the family of there former spouse. In which case your life is going to be a living hell no matter how kind and loving you are if we are being honest. Even forgetting mental health disease the kids are going to most likely hate you and view you as having broken up "the family" anyway so the love and kindness you show them is going to be met with spite and hatred for the part from what I've seen. That's something that usually lasts even into adulthood for those kids as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
A strong and loving foundation and sense of unity will influence and shape the children into loving functional adults no matter if they are hers, yours, both of yours or someone elses.
Problem is the foundation is usually broken before the two even get together. Their not your kids at the end of the day and that does cause a lack of unity because you aren't there parent. The best you can hope for is to be somewhat of a mentor figure to the kids that aren't yours.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
I hate to break it to you but you see this same dysfunction in traditional families. It really has nothing to do with the family dynamics but the actual people involved.
How your future family interact with one another and the love and bond and loyalty that develop will depend greatly on you and your wife and the respect and commitment you show one another. A strong and loving foundation and sense of unity will influence and shape the children into loving functional adults no matter if they are hers, yours, both of yours or someone elses.
Yup, I come from a traditional family. No history of divorce, and we're just not close. I wouldn't say dysfunctional, we're just not close. That's fine, as you don't choose family, you choose friends. Those are the important relationships in my book.
I think it is false to attribute the fact not everyone wants to date single parents to any sort of dysfunction in their own upbringing.
Some people may just want to find someone to build their own family with, not walk into a situation with a ready made (and then broken) family with the baggage it usually entails.
No, but it did give me a keen sense of "smell" for the red flags of dysfunction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cwa1984
So my question since this is the relationship forum is those of you who are the product of a mingled family or who were even raised by a single parent do you exclude single parents as relationship material due to your family being very abnormal growing up?
I'm trying to figure out the "poor choices" your parents made. Having a kid in prison? How is that your parents' fault? A special needs kid? Same question. **** happens.
It's very easy to blame your parents for your current issues when all they did was raise, feed, clothe, educate and house you.
Believe it or not I actually get along with my parents really well. However they made some really horrible choices when they were young and that did have long lasting consequences.
Neither of my parents had a kid in prison or did any time in prison. The poor choices my mother made was leaving home and getting married at 16 and having a kid really young to escape her alcoholic grandmother. Unfortunately in her wishing to leave that house she married a guy quickly and way to young because he turned out to be abusive as in putting her in the hospital a few times and turns out mental health and addiction problems ran in his family. Eventually she left him after taking years abuse from him which my brother and sister witnessed at the time and still remember even being so young.
Unfortunately that was just the beginning and not the end. See when you have kids with someone whose family has history of mental health issues and when your ex has them as well they are usually passed onto the kids. My sister while not issue free from a long shot didn't end up with mental health problems. My brother on the other hand is bipolar and schizophrenic all of which are traits from his father. So the hell my mother dealt with when she was young in an abusive marriage didn't stop because her kid my brother ended up being just like his old man. That has caused problems in the family for decades and tons of tension in my parents. With my mother persuading my father against me and my sisters protests as well about letting my brother move back in after getting out of rehab, prison, jail, etc. constantly. It took my mother until her late fifties to stop being easily guilt tripped by my brother. She viewed trying to help him as the motherly thing to do even though it repeatedly almost tore everyone apart. While I love my mother and so does my sister that is one thing that still angers us to this day. However it's not something that keeps me up at night or has me seeing a shrink going on and on about.
As far as my father goes he didn't start to mature in life at all till his thirties. He he had a daughter when his 18 and abandoned her. He later had a son who was special needs and couldn't deal with that and left his mother. Then he got together with my mother. I never met my sister on his side since he abandoned her and my other brother well besides being special needs there is resentment in him from being abandoned and towards me since Dad didn't abandon me. So like I said earlier there isn't much there.
Anyway the point I'm trying to get at is that choices do have consequences and when I talk to people who were products of single parents who were already married and had kids before having them I'm actually shocked by the similarities between us all the majority of the time. Which is the reason why I posted this topic. To see if others here on City Data who were the products of two single parents getting together won't date single parents now that they are adults. Since when I talked to others who were the children of two single parents getting married most of them said they won't date a single parent in a million years because they don't want to emulate their family relationship growing up.
Yeah this is a cop out answer. I have never seen a functional traditional
family be abnormal like a dysfunctional mingled family. It really does boil down to family dynamics a lot of the times. You don't get the jealously, resentment, hatred or even apathy from your fellow siblings if they are full blooded like you do if they are only half brothers and sisters. You don't have a brother blaming his father who wasn't abusive for ruining his life into his fifties and longer in a traditional family were they are related like you do in a mingled family were they are not related.
I've seen it plenty especially the older I get. When I was younger I believed every ones family was like mine and I was shocked when I actually started paying attention to the rivalry and outright hatred in some traditional families. I have also seen lots of mingled/blended families that are closer than traditional ones.
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Unless of course your wife or husband's kids from the previous marriage happen to be bipolar or schizophrenic since that ran in the family of there former spouse. In which case your life is going to be a living hell no matter how kind and loving you are if we are being honest. Even forgetting mental health disease the kids are going to most likely hate you and view you as having broken up "the family" anyway so the love and kindness you show them is going to be met with spite and hatred for the part from what I've seen. That's something that usually lasts even into adulthood for those kids as well.
You don't think this happens within all families.
Quote:
Problem is the foundation is usually broken before the two even get together. Their not your kids at the end of the day and that does cause a lack of unity because you aren't there parent. The best you can hope for is to be somewhat of a mentor figure to the kids that aren't yours.
You have doomed yourself before your even out of the gate. Ever hear of a self fulfilling prophesy?
Its your attitude that prevents you from considering single parents. Some people for whatever reason don't want to and shouldn't date single parents and that is fine. I sincerely hope you can come to terms with your upbringing and not let the sins of the father dampen your future.
I've seen it plenty especially the older I get. When I was younger I believed every ones family was like mine and I was shocked when I actually started paying attention to the rivalry and outright hatred in some traditional families. I have also seen lots of mingled/blended families that are closer than traditional ones.
Were going to agree to disagree then. Not saying the above doesn't happen in traditional families. What I'm saying is that it tends to be more severe and commonplace in mingled/blended families from my own perspective.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
You don't think this happens within all families.
It does but it's your kids and the family usually can be helpful in dealing with it as well. When your a blended/mingled family there usually isn't much support in extended family like there tends to be in traditional families. So in the blended/mingled family the parent of the child and the step parent are the ones who constantly have to deal with it while the other parent usually doesn't want involved at all again from what I've seen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
You have doomed yourself before your even out of the gate. Ever hear of a self fulfilling prophesy?
I don't see how not wanting to date single parents is "dooming myself". I'm a 31 year old childless man and I have no debt, I have a good paying job that I like and where I live is safe with a low cost of living so what money I make is mine and my time is my own. I don't see how not wanting to date single parents on just that alone even ignoring me growing up in a dysfunctional blended family would qualify me as "dooming myself." If anything I would say I'm being smart avoiding the mistakes my parents made when they were young.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
Its your attitude that prevents you from considering single parents. Some people for whatever reason don't want to and shouldn't date single parents and that is fine. I sincerely hope you can come to terms with your upbringing and not let the sins of the father dampen your future.
Let's be honest here when you cut away the BS most people who are single parents were young and dumb with blinders on when they got married and it wasn't till years later they go "yeah I screwed up here" and get divorced. Am I being judgmental? Yes. We are all judgmental. A man or woman will look at someone and decide on the spot instantly if they would sleep with let alone have a relationship with the person they are looking at based on looks. Nothing wrong with that it's nature. The reason why I bring that up though is that major things that can negatively influence your life for years if not decades like getting married to a single parent is seen as limiting yourself even though it can absolutely wreck your life. Where as deciding not to be with someone on looks is seen as perfectly normal even though going to the gym and eating right can perform miracles and plastic surgery at the end of the day a lot of people can afford if they really cared about it that much.
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