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I have been thinking a lot about "solving problems backwards" lately. For instance, most will say that withholding sex has some deeper emotional or even physical culprit behind it, and that this needs to be solved first; sure, in many cases, that is true. But sometimes taking action BEFORE we feel fully mentally or emotionally prepared or sorted out can help us to develop the skills we need to dissolve the emotional issues. It is like people who stress about being awkward in dating and so they avoid it, but if they jumped in and dated more, then things would likely get better over time.
There is some evidence out there that sex drive can increase the more sex you have...which seems "backwards", but makes some sense if you think about it. Of course, communication is still necessary for working out details in order to solve what led to the dry spell to begin with.
if I had to choose 3 basics for a relationship it would be:
Love
Sex
Money
if one of them is missing, the rest is not working either.
You can't be happy if there is no love in your relationship.
You can't be happy if you need sex and your partner doesn't.
You can't be happy if you have no food to eat and no money to get any.
of course there is more down the list like common goals, interests, blabla ... but these are all negotiable/flexible
That's TV simplistic but if it works for you, good. I don't believe the average person is going to be truly happy in any long-term relationship unless he/she is happy, secure, confident on his/her own as an individual first. All the love, sex and money you can get in a relationship won't fill that hole (metaphorically speaking). It might make you pretend happy in the short term, but not truly happy in the long term. I think 3 better basics would be:
Self-respect;
Mutual respect;
A solid foundation w/shared values;
Just curious, have you ever had sex with someone who wasn't really into it but was just being dutiful?
There have been times when I am just not feelin it, but he is so..... I give it up!
Not too often though because being young and not ALL that experienced... I am pretty much down 24/7.
Resentments and unresolved relationship issues can cause one spouse to "hold out" on the other. However, I have also observed that problems tend to fester less when the intimacy is there. Otherwise, if it's just a matter of being tired, not into it, or that perpetual case of "I got a headache"... yeah, you need to make the time. Life gets hectic with all of the responsibilities that come with work, kids, etc, and those things will continue to back-burner your sex life unless you make it a priority. Seriously, it doesn't have to be a XXX-throwdown 5 nights/week..
Why can't you guys just spread your legs for 10 minutes 1-2x per week ... or for men - get it up to make the other person happy?
If I no longer want to have sex with someone, it's because I don't feel that way about him anymore or don't particularly care about his happiness. In other words, the relationship is pretty much over, anyway. I've had enough relationships to know that it's not worth the discomfort (sex when not in the mood is uncomfortable, even painful, for me) to let someone use my body, because that is pretty much what a man who would stick his penis in a woman who has made it clear she's just doing this as some kind of chore would be doing.
In other words, even if I did take the attitude that I should do it for him, the fact that he would take advantage of it is so self-absorbed and selfish of him that I would probably find him repulsive emotionally, too.
A good lover only wants to be with an enthusiastic partner he or she knows will be present and enjoy the experience. I know I certainly wouldn't want to hop on a man who was probably fantasizing about someone else just to get it up, anyway. That's not going to do a dang thing for a relationship that is falling apart enough for one party or another to not want sex in the first place.
I have been thinking a lot about "solving problems backwards" lately. For instance, most will say that withholding sex has some deeper emotional or even physical culprit behind it, and that this needs to be solved first; sure, in many cases, that is true. But sometimes taking action BEFORE we feel fully mentally or emotionally prepared or sorted out can help us to develop the skills we need to dissolve the emotional issues. It is like people who stress about being awkward in dating and so they avoid it, but if they jumped in and dated more, then things would likely get better over time.
There is some evidence out there that sex drive can increase the more sex you have...which seems "backwards", but makes some sense if you think about it. Of course, communication is still necessary for working out details in order to solve what led to the dry spell to begin with.
This is so true. The best way to confront something that is problematic is to face it head on and continue to put yourself in situations where you have to face it so that you must deal with, get better at dealing with it, and examine the way you deal with it.
There is a method I remember reading about, where when individuals within a relationship or a marriage feel distant with each other and haven't been intimate as much, it is recommended that they have sex everyday to bring the intimacy back. I'm not sure the motivations, or what it does but I know a friend who did this in her marriage because her and her husband had grown distant, and it did help. How much it helped I'm not sure but I know it helped.
I like sex but only if it's with someone I want to have sex with. I'd never withhold consciously with the intention to hurt the person, but typically if I'm withholding it's because there are other problems that have led to me no longer desiring sex with that person and if I did force myself to sleep with him it'd be very apparent.
Ideally in a relationship between a man and a woman, a woman should understand a man's physical needs and try her best to meet them, but a man also needs to understand his wife's emotional needs and do his best to meet them. If she's withholding physically, chances are it's because emotionally something's not right, or there are other internal issues going on within her that have little to do with the marriage/relationship that are in the way. In those cases, having sex just to meet that man's need, will not help the couple--it's almost a two way street. Emotionally a couple needs to be good just as much as physically. And I think it's simplistic to conclude that it's easy just to lay on your back twice a week when there are issues brewing that need to be dealt with that will impact the quality of sex and the relationship far more than the quantity of sex itself.
I have been thinking a lot about "solving problems backwards" lately. For instance, most will say that withholding sex has some deeper emotional or even physical culprit behind it, and that this needs to be solved first; sure, in many cases, that is true. But sometimes taking action BEFORE we feel fully mentally or emotionally prepared or sorted out can help us to develop the skills we need to dissolve the emotional issues. It is like people who stress about being awkward in dating and so they avoid it, but if they jumped in and dated more, then things would likely get better over time.
There is some evidence out there that sex drive can increase the more sex you have...which seems "backwards", but makes some sense if you think about it. Of course, communication is still necessary for working out details in order to solve what led to the dry spell to begin with.
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