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And I'm not agreeing that they're correct, just accepting and pointing out le roi's unnatural rigidity on the topic.
Exactly I notice that a lot on here. People get behind a computer screen and build this online persona of what they say is absolute undeniable truth not opinion. Then get fussy when someone disagrees with them.
Imagine this scenario. You're a single man in your late 20's with everything women state they want in a man. You have this crazy idea that a woman out there who is sane and doesn't have serious issues or baggage would be interested in you. But you don't care for the bar scene and have no other clear way of meeting women in person. So you go online and sign up for a couple of dating sites, expecting some chatting, flirting, and hopefully finding "the one."
And that's where it all comes apart.
First off, I don't believe I'm a picky man. I have a short list of what I expect from a woman who I'd date. No kids, no crazy ex that's in prison for murder charges, not a sagging blueberry shape, doesn't think Harry Potter is the greatest book series ever written (Seriously. You can't say you love reading and think that's the epitome of writing). So when I dove into online dating after a very long relationship ended, I thought it'd be simple.
A month in and I did have several contacts. Frankly none of the women were particularly attractive and virtually all were at least obese. But I was open minded and got to know a couple of them. A first date seems to always go well. A second and third is when it all comes out. I won't detail some of the things I found out on these second/third dates, but I think most sane men would jump ship after like I did. So I won't say women aren't there to contact you, but you start to build up an idea that there's a reason they're single. And sometimes a woman who seemed to be normal would get in touch and you'd have a great conversation. Only for her to suddenly go silent the next day and never hear from her again.
Not long after that initial count, contact dries up. I must have messaged something around 100 women or more in my year of OLD, and a tiny sliver of those ever replied. You eventually start to reflect on this. Am I unattractive? Is there something in my profile that is an issue? Do I just not make enough (and would I want to be with a woman that expects more)? And you start to check out sites that give tips on how to help you out. Most are pretty clear that they're there to get you into "hookups" (just tell her she's sexy, you're horny, and you wanna do her. It works, or so I hear). The rest all feel like you're playing this word jumble game and using "science" to figure out the best type of pictures, and in what order, you should post.
So now you're not only sitting there with no clue why you aren't getting any replies or messages, but it's sounding more and more like this game of fraud. This isn't you. This isn't who you are. Playing the pickup game isn't what you're after and if you were, you'd have settled on bar hoppers already. Depression kicks in. Something is wrong with you. You get self-destructive in your concerns.
But you stumble across something in your research. Someone states rather boldly that men outnumber women on dating sites dramatically. No figures are given, but for a moment you feel better. Then far worse. You're competing against all these other men for the attention of a handful of women. Women who probably long since wrote off all of you anyway because of provocative pics and "sup baby" messages filling their inbox. I still remember one woman I went out with telling me she gets few messages on the site we met on. "How many is a few?" I asked her. "2 or 3 a day." That was more in one day than I got my second month of OLD.
After a few months, as a man you have really three scenarios. You're an extreme outlier and get messaged by women frequently (odds are you're extremely attractive or a very high income posted then). You still cling to hope and message several women each time you log on, hoping one of them at some point will reply. Or you just log in, note the complete lack of messages as usual, and move on, not really caring anymore.
In my case I was hit by serious depression months ago and realized it came down to OLD. I felt worthless and disgusting because, as far as I could tell, women didn't want me. The fact that I am educated, intelligent, take care of my health, have a range of hobbies and talents, and am at least above average in looks meant nothing. I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I have everything going right for me. Except finding a woman. Yet there's this mystery left for WHY. And more so, why a guy that's a high school drop out, borderline retarded, drug addict, no ambition, and looking like he hasn't showered in years hasn't been single longer than a month. I deleted my OLD accounts and have no intention of ever joining one again.
I'm not looking for a pity party. Really I'm posting this for two audiences. Women, this is the battle that many men face in OLD and take it however you will. But for other men who are doing OLD and feel like **** because you're getting nothing from it, you're not alone. And my personal advice is to cut those ties and move on. There's nothing it can do other than drag you down into the abyss. I started to stumble into it all again by chatting with a couple of women on an app and the pattern came up again along with the dread. And it reminded me that this sort of thing needs to be said so you guys know that it's the system, not you. Well, not most of you anyway.
Great post and in many ways I can relate.
I've tried now 5 dating sites total (2 free - OKcupid and POF). Currently I'm talking to a lady which is very pretty, single, no kids etc, but I do not have much confidence it will develop into anything anymore.
Why? Exactly much of what you posted.
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised anymore if one day she just stops responding to me. Lost interest and has moved on apparently. It's happened to me now a number of times.
Online for the younger generations doesn't work well. Maybe it does for those 40 years +.
So as you I tried to not get back into the bar scene as much as I used to, but the HILARIOUS thing is that is where the opportunity has been.
Why deal with the frustration of all the foolishness of OLD when you can just meet people in real life situations? I'm a good looking guy, am fun to be around, exercise regularly, have a good job, have good hobbies, etc.
So while I have the profile up online it's just for fun really. I don't take it seriously at all anymore. I'm just getting out there now and meeting ladies in person. Works much better.
Things get BETTER for men at 40/50, but I'd hardly call it "huge odds". Simply "markedly improved over their 20's".
Online dating didn't exist when I was in my 20s. newspaper personals ads did exist, but I never used them. Having had no luck with "real world" dating, I was introduced to the woman who eventually became my wife (and later my ex) through the proverbial friend-of-a-friend.
Maybe dating is easier for me now, in my 40s, compared to what it was 20+ years ago. But it's still not easy. Consider an analogy: it is easier to lift 200 pounds than to lift 300 pounds, but it's still not easy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
Do you need stats on the woman to man ratio in the U.S.?
Statistics only consider demographics: how many single-women there are, in some area, within some age-bracket. But they say nothing about personal preferences. How many of the single-women are actively looking for a partner? How many have removed themselves from the dating-market?
Another analogy: there are lots of classic muscle-cars in the Midwest, but they are stored in garages. They're not regularly driven, especially in winter. Drive around Midwestern roads in the wintertime, and you'd think that there are no muscle-cars remaining in the Midwest. And there might as well be none – if your objective is to see them on winter roads. But the statistics probably report a strong percentage of muscle-car ownership in the Midwest.
The point is, that if those single women are unavailable, while all (or most) of the single men are actively looking, then the raw numerical advantage of the single men is moot.
I met my boyfriend through online dating. I found it hard to meet single men offline. Mostly my work schedule and the fact that I'm not a party type girl kept me from meeting single men. The men I work with are all married and even if they weren't it's a small office and I wouldn't date anyone. I tried a science fiction club. Met a lot of men but again most were taken or too old or too young for me. I joined a DnD club and met a lot of married men there too.
My boyfriend is someone I'd never have met offline. He lives and works a long drive away and his hobbies are home improvements and science fiction (but he's not in any kind of club). He had a lot of online dates, although he kept running into women who wanted to get married yesterday and women with emotional issues. I ran into the same kind of thing with men. I ran into men looking to marry or men with ex issues. He found flakes and I found much older men who lied about their age and posted 10 year old pictures of themselves.
I contacted him online because I liked his profile. I think I found him with a search for an age range, geographic range, and science fiction as a key word. He said he didn't think I was real when I fist contacted him and he said he couldn't get over that I looked like my pictures and I was so normal with no weird issues. I thought the same about him! It was nice to not run into a man much older than I was expecting or to date a man who didn't spend the whole date telling me all about how horrible his last ex was.
Online dating isn't perfect. You meet more people but my takeaway is that you meet more damaged people too. But in the end it worked for me and my boyfriend. So there is one man and one woman it worked for. You have to have patience with it.
Maybe dating is easier for me now, in my 40s, compared to what it was 20+ years ago. But it's still not easy. Consider an analogy: it is easier to lift 200 pounds than to lift 300 pounds, but it's still not easy.
As a middle aged (early 40's) sexually deprived, frustrated, and disgruntled man, who has had nothing but a steady torrent of rejection heaped my way, I guess if I can't find relief and happiness through a relationship, then I'll go take out my frustrations and find satisfaction another way.
Now...what to do.....
hmmm. And it seems also suspiciously interesting that the discussion I started which ran to over 300 replies where I chronicled what are both these frustrations as well as what I thought were fair, honest, and reasonable efforts...has also vanished.
As a middle aged (early 40's) sexually deprived, frustrated, and disgruntled man, who has had nothing but a steady torrent of rejection heaped my way, I guess if I can't find relief and happiness through a relationship, then I'll go take out my frustrations and find satisfaction another way.
Now...what to do.....
hmmm. And it seems also suspiciously interesting that the discussion I started which ran to over 300 replies where I chronicled what are both these frustrations as well as what I thought were fair, honest, and reasonable efforts...has also vanished.
Actually, know what's really ironic? The fact that you met your former wife online.
No idea what happened to that long thread, though.
No idea what happened to that long thread, though.
I have finally found reference to that topic, wondering myself if it had disappeared.
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