Why do too many women still look at American Men over 35, who don't have their own place like a scarlet letter? (cities, romantic)

[skywalker2014]

I've found that divorced women with children could care less about looks or how much money you make specially if they are doing well financially. They care on how they feel around you and take time to get to know you better. Their responsability is to their children first and foremost.

As long as you aren't a bum or not doing anything, divorced women like to go out and let time decide if the dating become serious within time.

They are not in a hurry, they have been there before, so going that path is actually quite familiar.

I won't say no to a divorced woman, because they will not be annoying you, or being a drama queen like the single ones usually does, but I won't pay her bills, and most are okay with that, not all of course, but I've found out divorced women with children are more down to earth than single ones and the divorced ones without children.

However eventually you will want your own independence. Either married or being a mature single.

But what happens if you don't have the means?

[ohio_peasant]

Originally Posted by LowonLuck

Then why is he dating?

I believe in dating for a purpose.

The purpose depends on the individual. Some people are substantially interested in marriage - but they happen to be child-free. Is their desire for marriage illegitimate? Some people want a committed relationship, but for whatever reason are leery or skeptical of the institution of marriage. Does that make them disingenuous, or "players"?

To recap, I fully agree that like should marry like; a marriage (or even just a committed relationship) of unequals is unstable. But even so, we shouldn't be so quick to erect implacable criteria. This or that aspect of advancement in our lives, can outstrip others. What if somebody gets a medical degree, and goes on to live in a communal arrangement during medical residency? Compare that to a mere high-school graduate who entered one of the trades, and bought his/her own house at age 24. Who is further ahead in life?

[skywalker2014]

Originally Posted by ohio_peasant

The purpose depends on the individual. Some people are substantially interested in marriage - but they happen to be child-free. Is their desire for marriage illegitimate? Some people want a committed relationship, but for whatever reason are leery or skeptical of the institution of marriage. Does that make them disingenuous, or "players"?

To recap, I fully agree that like should marry like; a marriage (or even just a committed relationship) of unequals is unstable. But even so, we shouldn't be so quick to erect implacable criteria. This or that aspect of advancement in our lives, can outstrip others. What if somebody gets a medical degree, and goes on to live in a communal arrangement during medical residency? Compare that to a mere high-school graduate who entered one of the trades, and bought his/her own house at age 24. Who is further ahead in life?

I think a marriage is sharing equal responsability, if a woman brings the "dough" to the home, the man can either contribute with another job or staying home and help on any way he can.

I dont think "equals" means having the same income. I think it means sharing the household responsabilities.

Personally I would hate having a woman to "take care" of me financially. But I don´t mind if she makes more money than me, I will have my means and I will contribute.

Having your own place helps, but why to be alone when you can have roomates or family. I dont think you NEED to be alone to prove a point. Independence is not just living by yourself. Sure it gives you some freedom but still there are other factors.

Everybody has different expectations when it comes to dating. The important thing is to not label anybody based on situations, but rather in actions.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by LowonLuck

Then why is he dating?

I believe in dating for a purpose.

Companionship and getting to know someone better and enjoying doing things with another person is a perfectly good purpose. Not everything needs nor should have an endgame.

[LowonLuck]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Companionship and getting to know someone better and enjoying doing things with another person is a perfectly good purpose. Not everything needs nor should have an endgame.

Well I want marriage. I can be alone all by myself without the work of a relationship, if that is the best that I can hope for.

[UsAll]

I'm a male on the verge of turning 62 per this writing. I left my parents permanently by the time I was 16. Being in the hippie/countercultural days, I typically lived in hippie commune-like living arrangements (when I wasn't otherwise living, working, and wandering around the U.S.-at-large as a transient). I came back to my city/metro area of origin, furthered my education (while working) and, by the time I was 20, I had my own private space to live in with no roommates or housemates (albeit in an SRO or single-room-occupancy rooming house where there was a common bathroom or two on each floor of the 4-story building but each tenant otherwise had their own private living unit all to themself) and, at the same time, also secured a more professional-type office position and worked my way up-and-up from there.

The point is that, after my earlier days from ages 16 through 20 of being a hippie type and living in hippie commune-like settings, I never had roommates or housemates ever again (up though this present writing, with my now being nearly age 62) -- other than nearly one year spent sharing an apartment with my older brother between the time of having my first two apartments of my own and then maybe 8-9 months of taking in a roommate inside my newer one-bedroom apartment that I had occupied by myself for 3 years prior (because I knew that I was to be relocating relatively shortly to an out-of-state location and deemed it best to save money before the move and the rents had notably increased, as rent controls were abolished). So, beyond the hippie communal living years from ages 16-20 and then other than a 1.8 or 1.9-year stretch of sharing an apartment with one other person (the first time being my older brother and the second time being a local undergraduate male college student whom I’d met), I have otherwise never had roommates / housemates . . . nor having ever lived under the same roof as my parents (since age 16) and my parents are now both deceased anyway, so living with both of them or just one of them again is not an option anyway.

In summary: If I can help it, I really really really would prefer to not be living with roommates / housemates (and can’t live with one or both of my parents anymore anyway, as they are now both deceased). If I am going to live with another person again, let it be a female significant other with whom I have a committed relationship or to whom I am married. If my income and assets are or become that low to be challenging for me to maintain my own traditional apartment (studio or one-bedroom or larger), then I can always go back to living in a rooming house situation whereby you have your own wholly-private living space and just share a bathroom on your floor with others (though I have seen rooming houses where some living units have their own bathroom within them). The point is that I try my very best to avoid living with other strangers or even friends or relatives sharing the exact same living space. I want my own abode and will do whatever I have to do to maintain my own abode . . . even if it means reducing myself to living in a rooming house instead of in a traditional apartment or possibly relocating to a less-expensive metro area. I would likely even rather do that (relocation) than to live with however many roommates or housemates ever again. Of course, being an early senior now, I do qualify for “affordable” senior apartments, housing complexes and communities which would still entail having my own personal living space without roommates or housemates.

Now, would I care if a woman I was considering for a relationship was living with roommates/housemates? I would consider it on a case-by-case basis (I would not like it ideally, but it depends . . . as I understand the very high cost-of-living in my region). But living with her parents? Meh, I’d likely be rather hesitant (unless she was taking care of a seriously-physically-infirmed parent or one who has senility, dementia, or Alzheimer’s). Other than that, if she and I are trying to have a loving and intimate relationship (and most certainly if we are to be married), we are both long past the life stage of having to have others to contend with and to come between us within the same household. I want an independent adult for a life partner, not an overgrown child. Even I myself, throughout the decades, have taken whatever steps I had to (when I was of lesser means) to live on my own without roommates / housemates or parents in the same household. Forget about it! And I don’t imagine that nearly any woman out there (and especially an older adult woman now, being that I am an early senior myself now and would most likely be involved with a woman more-or-less of or near my own generation) would want to be involved with a man who didn’t has his own adode . . . and it appears that, for the much greater part than not, the women whom have responded in this thread thus far bear this all out (with the great majority saying that they very much prefer a man who doesn’t have roommates / housemates and most certainly doesn’t live with his parents). So, just based on the great amount of feedback provided by the great majority of the women in this thread thus far, I was right in my self-determination that I wouldn't be an attractive prospect to any or nearly any woman if I didn't have my own living space all to myself.

[AlfredB1979]

Originally Posted by JimBrown333

and if the guy has no plans of ever marrying or wanting kids?

Be honest. Those broke guys typically don't get that choice, anyway.

Originally Posted by homina12

Most of the threads where someone is stressed financially apply are disproportionately aimed at men. I get that to a certain extent. Some is a holdover from an earlier time, and some is due to lingering inequalities. If a woman is interested in LT and especially if she wants me point, her interest in a man being stable financially makes lots of sense.


Having said that, expecting a man to not live with his parents at 35 is not setting the bar very high, especially if he's never moved out. But in any case and for whatever compelling reason he may be living with the folks, I'm not sure any dating other than the most casual makes any sense, for him. More would just distract from what really should be his priorities, and letting himself be distracted would be another indication that he's not doing grown up very well.

I get that former bit. But, it's the current year! Women got their equality and get paid more and the wage gap doesn't exist. They should have it in them, being the fairer gender and all, to cut a fella a bit of slack. Jobs aren't infinite, you know! In theory, sure, a guy shouldn't be taking on that distraction. In reality, a fella should enjoy what life he's got. I managed not to date for that reason when I was unemployed as a pencil pusher (just side work via other avenues kept me afloat) and had to reinvent myself turning wrenches to get back in the saddle, so that part is easier said than done.

Originally Posted by Akonyo

Because of traditional gender roles, which women use when it's convenient for them.

Originally Posted by reneeh63

And you just LOVE those women! Oh...except do you still live at home?

Snarky kiddo, you are. Very feminine quality these days, indeed. Would just about bet your own OLD profile would have something akin to the mention of "sarcastic humor" in it. (No, I don't live at home, either. Nor is sarcasm a form of humor.)

[ryhoyarbie]

I'm a 34 year old man and I still live with my father. If I moved out, it would be him in a three bedroom house by himself. I really don't see the point of moving out if he and I are contributing paying bills and such on the house.

On the flip side if I decided to move out and got my own apartment, I'd be doing what I'm doing now which is staying at home on the weekends and being a hermit.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by LowonLuck

Well I want marriage. I can be alone all by myself without the work of a relationship, if that is the best that I can hope for.

Marriage vs alone is a false dichotomy. There are many other choices. You want marriage again, that is fine. But lets not pretend there are only two choices. That's up there with someone saying you can either be in a relationship or be lonely.

[Detguest]

35 and roommates in any place but single in NY City, maybe San Fran (overvalued at this point) is off putting, male or female. Even there, weird. You should be successful enough in your career at that point to have your own spot.

Women at their parents, anything past mid to late twenties, and even then should be on a temporary, in between places basis, is also off putting to me.